Article about spanking affecting children negatively

[Wrath0fKuus]

Spanking ruins people's grammar permanently, looks like.

[Deleted]

I got spanked as a child and look at the sick demented freak I am today.

[Gato]

The one thing constant throughout the age of time is that cranky old farts will think that kids these days are lazy and spoiled.

[Wrath0fKuus]

I'll be honest: I was spanked. And arguably, I turned out okay. BUT the spanking wasn't an effective punishment at all; since it was just momentary pain, knowing it was coming made me reason that if I were likely to get caught and spanked anyway, I may as well go all out and make whatever I was doing worth the spanking.

[thebamker]

I would be fine to do away with all 'spanking' as long as other punishments were just as harsh w/o being physical. I believe children need to have a healthy fear of their parents. If you can achieve that w/o physically touching your child, I'm all for it. (that's not sarcasm)

[Gato]

I don't understand why children need to be afraid of their parents. I'm honestly asking, why?

I never feared my parents, but I respected them. They led by example. *Especially* now that I'm a parent I see how hard that is, and I respect them even more.

[Deleted]

My mom spanked us and really, it was ridiculous and she did it because she was too lazy and inconsistent to follow through with any other punishment. It wasn't effective at all.

[fuckyourcouch]

I mean, I am not pro spanking, but I was spanked a few times and I'm not a deviant or anything. I don't think it's effective and I don't have plans to do it.

[Deleted]

I was never spanked.... I was threatened with being spanked, but I don't think I ever was...

My cousin hits her kids hands every time he touches anything that isn't a toy ( so like the door to her media cabinet, the shelves at the library with the shiny metal brackets, the bread basket at a restaurant). Seriously.. It's so fucked up. Her son is in turn aggressive and pushes other kids around. She never corrects him for that and wonders why? LOL.

[Deleted]

I definitely don't think my kids need to fear me, but Sofia knows when I start doing the talk through my teeth/crazy eyes thing, I mean business.

[jennysmitten]

The older I get the more confused I am by spanking. I just don't get it. How does hitting a kid get your point across? It is not like when they do something 'bad' as an adult the punishment will be someone hitting them. I am not a parent, and I have no idea what kind of parent I will be; I am just a little bewildered at the whole spanking thing.

[melodramatic26]

I was spanked a lot. Mostly by my father (hand and belt), but my mother would tell him to spank me so she played a part in it. I was once spanked so hard it left bruises on my ass for days. I couldn't sit down for days.

And I turned out great. Or so I thought. It's just been the past few years that I've realized that all the spanking did was make me afraid of my parents. I would lie to them anytime I thought that what I might say or do would be "wrong".

I still do this. I have a relationship with my parents that exists solely on the surface. I'm not close to them and never will be because I was afraid of them. Always judging me and punishing me.

I think I'm super relaxed about most things, but not spanking. I took a lot for me to explain to my husband why I didn't want to spank when we originally said we would use it for punishment. We are on the same page now and I won't even let the grandparents (either side) JOKE about "swatting" them or giving them a spanking. Never.

[Gato]

Oct 23, 2013 10:59:06 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Oct 23, 2013 10:55:33 GMT -5 Gato said:

I don't understand why children need to be afraid of their parents. I'm honestly asking, why?

I never feared my parents, but I respected them. They led by example. *Especially* now that I'm a parent I see how hard that is, and I respect them even more.

I don't think children need to fear their parents per se; but they do need to fear consequence, and parents are the stewards of consequence.  When I was little, I wasn't afraid of my father, but I was afraid of him yelling.  I wasn't afraid of my mother, but I lived in mortal terror of disappointing her. 

In our house, it has been a really fine line. I'm still looking for that magic formula that instills respect for authority without overdoing it.  We've done yelling.  We do consequences.  After a while, my daughter was like, whatever, mom, I lost my TV privileges again.  I still do what I want! 

So yeah... still working on it.  One thing I do know is that hitting her would *really* piss her off.

[game blouses]

Oct 23, 2013 11:08:24 GMT -5 melodramatic26 said:

And I turned out great. Or so I thought. It's just been the past few years that I've realized that all the spanking did was make me afraid of my parents. I would lie to them anytime I thought that what I might say or do would be "wrong".

I still do this. I have a relationship with my parents that exists solely on the surface. I'm not close to them and never will be because I was afraid of them. Always judging me and punishing me.

This is me too, especially the lying as a kid. Even now, I lie easily to my mom to keep her from getting mad at me. I've been working on it a lot but it's hard. My mom always spanked in anger, so I definitely grew up to fear her anger.

[circa1978]

I don't know how I feel about this. My father hit me with his belt. He also called me stupid, fat and threatened to leave me on the side of the road because he wanted a boy. They both hurt, but I hear his voice in my head 30 years later and the physical stuff healed. We can fuck up children in so many different ways. I guess my takeaway is, I'd prefer not to hurt my child at all.

[Deleted]

My siblings and I were spanked a handful of times. My mom admits it really was just when she was at the end of her rope. Like, three kids in a five year span, but spanked us less than five times total.

As a kid I totally would have gone for a spanking instead of like, real consequences.

[Deleted]

Oct 23, 2013 11:17:16 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

I don't plan to spank J, but I feel defensive of my parents whenever spanking comes up.

I did too, except I did realize that my parents whole philosophy wasn't centered around spanking. That's a huge difference to me. Parents are human, sometimes they do things that aren't the most effective, but that doesn't make them bad parents. 

There really are people who justify just swatting the shit out of their kid for everything. 

[Gato]

Oct 23, 2013 11:14:55 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I don't know how I feel about this. My father hit me with his belt. He also called me stupid, fat and threatened to leave me on the side of the road because he wanted a boy. They both hurt, but I hear his voice in my head 30 years later and the physical stuff healed. We can fuck up children in so many different ways. I guess my takeaway is, I'd prefer not to hurt my child at all.

Well said.  And I'm sorry your dad was an ass.

[joshlyman]

Oct 23, 2013 11:08:24 GMT -5 melodramatic26 said:

I was spanked a lot. Mostly by my father (hand and belt), but my mother would tell him to spank me so she played a part in it. I was once spanked so hard it left bruises on my ass for days. I couldn't sit down for days.

And I turned out great. Or so I thought. It's just been the past few years that I've realized that all the spanking did was make me afraid of my parents. I would lie to them anytime I thought that what I might say or do would be "wrong".

I still do this. I have a relationship with my parents that exists solely on the surface. I'm not close to them and never will be because I was afraid of them. Always judging me and punishing me.

I think I'm super relaxed about most things, but not spanking. I took a lot for me to explain to my husband why I didn't want to spank when we originally said we would use it for punishment. We are on the same page now and I won't even let the grandparents (either side) JOKE about "swatting" them or giving them a spanking. Never.

Ditto this. It is something I had to talk about in therapy the last couple of years, and is a reason I still hate conflict. My mom had a temper like woah. And would spank, hit, slap and even pull my hair. Through my teenage years even. I didn't realize what a big impact it had until recently. It is also the reason I was so complacent with being in an abusive relationship at 18-20.

I don't have kids yet, but one thing about future parenting I am 100% certain about is that I will not ever ever spank my kids.

My mom and I get along well now. She got help too. And our relationship is getting deeper, but there is a certain barrier there that will probably never be broken.

[meganew]

Why do they hate commas so much?

[papie]

Oct 23, 2013 10:55:33 GMT -5 Gato said:

I don't understand why children need to be afraid of their parents. I'm honestly asking, why?

I never feared my parents, but I respected them. They led by example. *Especially* now that I'm a parent I see how hard that is, and I respect them even more.

Agreed.  I was scared of my mom.  But I still never listened to her.  I was not scared of my dad, but the idea of disappointing him was heartbreaking.  It was far more effective.  The worst thing my mom could say (as in, the only thing I would actually care about) was "I'll tell your dad". 

My kids are not afraid of me.  I'd be sad if they were. 

[melodramatic26]

It's crazy because I couldn't figure out why, as an adult, I would lie to my parents about certain things. I couldn't figure out why I had this issue, not just with them, but with others in my life too.

When I finally realized it was because I feared my parents for so long that I never got to a point where I felt like I could tell them anything because what if what I did was SO wrong that I would be punished for it? I never knew either when I was "too old" to spank. I was still spanked in the 6-7th grade and it was never said that i wasn't going to be spanked anymore- so that fear was/is always there.

[cinnamoncox]

I haven't read all the replies yet, but ewwww

I think I hate everyone on Facebook today (see my post re:alienating people)

I read somewhere it's effective BUT only when the spanking is hard enough to really hurt, so not a spanking, to me that's a beating, but semantics shemantics

I have this debate with people regarding the use of hot sauce on the kids' tongue when they say fresh stuff.
Oh it's so hot it'll burn their mouth so they'll remember never to say it again

Um ok carry on with that shit yourself because I'm not going to look at my kids while they cry in horror at the burning in their mouth caused by THEIR MOM

They won't understand it's "their" fault for saying something bad in the first place

Maybe that's flame worthy and hot sauce I commonly used but I find it no different than hitting your child so hard they cry from pain (not embarrassment I mean pain)

[cleo29]

ugh.   I was spanked here and there as a kid, mainly by my dad, and in fact I can remember one of those times very, very well. I don't remember pain, but I do remember his large hand coming at me in slow mo. lol

I can say I felt very uncomfortable when i was out with a friend at a fair and her son was kicked out of moon bounce (bounce house) for pushing. Now, we didn't see it happen, whether it was by accident or intentional. Well, she was having him sit a time out in the stroller but he was really fighting it. He's going to be five, so not a real little kid. as this continues, she tells him, "J, do you want me to pull down your pants and spank you? Because that is where this is heading." 

I was so uncomfortable. 1) the pulling the pants down made me squirm 2) we are in this big public venue which I think would be pretty humiliating for the kid, especially since his pants would be down.  Luckily, she did not do this, but that is honestly the only time I have felt that way in regards to how my friends discipline their children.

[cinnamoncox]

Oct 23, 2013 11:14:55 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I don't know how I feel about this. My father hit me with his belt. He also called me stupid, fat and threatened to leave me on the side of the road because he wanted a boy. They both hurt, but I hear his voice in my head 30 years later and the physical stuff healed. We can fuck up children in so many different ways. I guess my takeaway is, I'd prefer not to hurt my child at all.

((Hugs))
That's really sad and I sorry this happened to you
How awful

[winnied]

I was spanked. I don't have kids yet but I don't imagine that I'll do it. I don't have negative feelings about it with my parents (it only happened a handful of times anyway) but I'm I don't think it's the best tool for discipline.

[Deleted]

I can count on one hand the number of times I was spanked as a kid and 2 of those, I don't remember because I was too little.

One of those was because I was running out into the street and nothing but a that one hard swat would make me (then 3) listen. My one older brother (then 5) had been hit by a drunk driver at the age of 3, so of course, my mom flashed back to that. Totally understandable.

The other times were a similar circumstance. I don't feel it was out of line or permanently damaged by it but I know for others, being spanked even once can stay with them forever.

I will say that with those few instances notwithstanding, my mom was very creative with her punishments - banishing to our rooms but removing the toys/books/tv etc and the rule was to sit on the bed - no laying down - and think about what you did. Or if we fought over dishes, she make us take every dish out of the cupboard, including the Thanksgiving turkey platter!!!, and wash and dry and put away under her close inspection. Yeah, that dishes argument was resolved after one round of that. If my siblings and I fought, we had to hold hands and hug and say nice things to each other - and almost always this was in front of "company."

I won't judge parents who spank when it's the rare exception and not the rule and where it is not their go-to punishment. Because if you spank for every little thing, that is lazy-ass parenting, pure and simple. DH's parents spanked him for every last thing and yes, sadly, used a spatula, paddle, and (gulp) a belt a time or two. And I think that was abusive and don't give a rat's ass with the "well, that was that generation" excuses. Abuse is abuse is abuse. And if we did have kids and they ever dared lay a finger on our kids, there would be the proverbial hell to pay.

I also have a serious issue with parents who threaten the old just wait until we get to the car/home, etc. Whether they make good (and I hope they don't) on the threat or not - that is just wrong. Kids should never fear their parents.

[pedanticwench]

Remember that video of the judge in Texas spanking his daughter? How traumatic that was? That was what spanking was like for me.

I remember my dad spanking me like that. Running me down the hallway, grabbing my shirt collar and ripping it, then making me bend over on the bed and spanking me with his belt. Telling me to move my hands from my butt (I was instinctively protecting the area).

It was terrifying and awful and sickening. And when I think about how I remember those experiences, I realize I never want to do that to my children, if I ever have any.

Do I think, at those times, I deserved to be punished? Of course. I needed the discipline. But do I think my dad went overboard most of the time? Fuck yeah he did. He has a horrible temper.

I love my dad and think that overall he was a really great father to me. But that doesn't mean I can't separate his shortcomings (like whipping me with a belt) with his goodness (like staying up with me all night when I had food poisoning or reading to me when I was little).

All I really wanted to say is that spanking is not good, for anyone, even though I turned out "all right." That's just not a good argument for spanking your children.

[circa1978]

Thanks @gato and cinnamoncox

I've thought about this quite a bit in my life, and particularly since having a child. A lot of things happened that were wrong in my childhood. But, many things also were right. And on balance, I turned out to be a successful, motivated member of society and a fine parent myself, despite multiple forms of outright abuse, much less a smack on the leg once or twice a year. Another child in the same circumstances, maybe not.

That's why these discussions are so hard. Really bad things happened to me and I turned out fine. That is NOT an argument that they should have happened at all or that the same would be true for any other human being. Or that it would have been true for me even, had many other large parts of the equation, like my socioeconomic class, access to education and support from my extended family, been different.

[eddy]

I have a temper. I would never trust myself to spank. I am against it to begin with, but I can see myself letting my frustration get the best of me.