Heartbroken and confused

[Deleted]

H and I have been married for two years. Before we got married and up until about last night, H seemed okay with the idea of having kids. We both have been very fickle about the subject. Right now is a bad time for us to have kids anyway but I'd like to know that in the future it would be a possibility. Last night we got on the topic and he basically says he doesn't want the responsibility and worry of having a child. He also said he didn't think that I would be able to handle a screaming crying baby which I know would be difficult but it's unfair of him to make that assessment of me. We currently have nine furbabies, horses, dogs, and cats, and he said that taking care of our furbabies is not a drop in the bucket compared to raising a child.  It's a 24/7/365 job. I know that's absolutely true.

I am fully aware that having a baby and taking care of a baby is the hardest thing that either of us could do but I still want to have one. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't have a baby but I cannot get rid of this longing for one. My H is the oldest of three and helped take care of his younger brothers and when FIL had a girlfriend over, he would have to take care of the GF's kids. So H knows how hard it is to take care of kids. I kept telling him that it would be different if the child was his own but he kind of just rolled his eyes. 

I don't know what I'm really asking but I'm just really heartbroken over this. Since we both have been so fickle on the issue, I'm hoping in two years he will be ok with it although that is not a guarantee. Maybe he's just scared to have a child? He's made cute comments about when we have a kid that they will have such and such like dirt bikes and four wheeler's like he did as a kid. I'm just at a loss right now of what, if anything, I should do. 

Sorry so long!

[noodleskooze]

That's a really hard place to be in. I'm sure the ladies on here have better advice than I can give, but just know I'm thinking of you. Sorry

[winnied]

Take a deep breath. Revisit the conversation in a few days or weeks. What he said is hurtful, but perhaps he was in a bad place last night. I'm so sorry this is happening but let's not completely freak out yet. Let him know that what he said was hurtful and talk about what he meant by that.

[janegold]

I'm so sorry, that would be devastating to me. Having children or not having children is one thing on which I think a person should never have to compromise; it's just too big of a deal. Hopefully the two of you can sit down when the water is settled and talk out whether this would really be a deal-breaker for either of you.

[verypunny]

I would not silently sit thinking " he will change his mind in a couple years". You could just end up two years older in the same exact place. You need to tell him that the flip flopping for both of you needs to end and you need a game plan. This way you can put a plan in place for yourself ( accepting a child free life or moving on without wasting two more years.)

[Deleted]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry.

I'm honestly not sure what I would do if I learned my husband and I were no longer on the same page about having kids.

A very good friend of mine went through something similar though. They got married in the early twenties and both agreed they wanted kids in the future just not for a few years. After a few years, my friend was ready and talked to her H about it - and was put off and put off and put off to the tune of 10 years.

Finally, he told her he did not want kids and never did - something he should have told her long before they got married.

So she had to decide what to do - stay with this man she had been with and adored since high school or give up on a lifelong dream of becoming a mother.

Ultimately, after a few agonizing months of trying to convince herself that she could be ok with being childless, she decided that though it would crush her to part ways with her H, it would change who she WAS to NOT have children and no man - the love of her life or not - was worth sacrificing that.

So, they divorced and within two years following that, she had met and married the real love of her life and was expecting their first child. She's now a mom of three and has no regrets at all.

Though you say that you are fickle still about having kids, my sense is that deep down, you really DO want kids. It just doesn't seem like he does but maybe he is just scared and that's understandable. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. But honestly, I don't know that I would wait two whole years to have a "serious" discussion about it in the hopes that he'll have changed his mind.

But obviously only you can decide where to go from here and I am truly sorry.

((hugs))

[gozf]

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to hear.

[shopgirl07]

I could be wrong, but I don't know that this is necessarily about children. The fact that he said he doesn't think you could handle a kid is a big red flag for me. Is he mad about something else? It just seems more like a deliberate conversation to hurt you rather than him really not wanting kids.

Is he insensitive like this often? I'd have a serious look at your marriage right now because something is going on with him. I'm sorry.

[Kristinmo]

Oct 25, 2013 8:24:28 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

And hoping he'll change his mind is not really a strategy. Get to a counselor, for the both of you, and figure out how you're going to live your life, with or without this man.

This.  You need to get a third party involved here.  If not having kids is a dealbreaker for you then you need to find that out now.

[rex]

His comments are harsh. I'm sorry.

[Deleted]

I would be so devastated to hear those words from my partner. I definitely agree that there needs to be a third party involved to help you guys figure this out one way or another. It probably won't be easy, but hopefully it will allow you both to get everything out on the table and figure out what kind of future each of you wants.

[LauraMoser]

Oct 25, 2013 8:21:00 GMT -5 verypunny said:

I would not silently sit thinking " he will change his mind in a couple years". You could just end up two years older in the same exact place. You need to tell him that the flip flopping for both of you needs to end and you need a game plan. This way you can put a plan in place for yourself ( accepting a child free life or moving on without wasting two more years.)

I agree with this. I always had that longing you talk about OP. Kids were a major, major non-negotiable thing for me. I can't say for sure what I'd do in your shoes, but I know I would spend the rest of my life unhappy without kids.

Wait a few days, let the dust settle and revisit the conversation. Make him aware of what a big deal it is to you. If he still is in the "no" camp after that, then I would probably be making plans to find someone who does want to have kids with you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. (Hugs)

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2013 8:21:38 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Yeah, I'm with Frkls. "You would not be a good mother' are not words I'd like to hear from my spouse. Asshole.

I wouldn't focus so much on this though. He says HE does not want the responsibility and worry of having a child (and only throws in that little assessment of you as a backup to support his own feeling, nothing more.) Focus on those words, that he's saying about how he feels and what he wants. He is telling you, loud and clear, he doesn't want children. And he's giving you a pretty good reason for not wanting them. The work and responsibility are astounding.

He MAY change his mind. He clearly changed it already once. people often vacillate on this issue, and there are only two sides to it, so the swings are pretty wild.
He may not change his mind, however. And this is something you have to be prepared for. I told my dh a long time ago that I don't like to play 'let's pretend', and I think maybe it's possible that all your dh's little 'aw, we'd have such cute children!!!' gooey moments with the two of you might have been just that, AW wouldn't it be sweet, blah blah blah but no real intention behind them. 'We'd have adorable children someday!' is not the same as 'what is our time line for having the number of children we'd like to have in this marriage'.

Did you ever have actual serious talks about children?
How old are the two of you?

And, 9 pets is a lot.

We've had a lot of small talks about children and in the past he said we could start out with one kid and see how it goes. That's why I was so surprised by last night. I am 29 and he is 31, so we definitely have time to decide on the issue. We have both wavered on the idea a lot since we've been together. I'm thinking that if I really wanted kids, he would be ok with it. I know he loves me a lot and doesn't want to lose me so divorce wouldn't be an option for him.

Yes, 9 is a lot but my parents help with the two small dogs (they love them as their own) and the cats pretty much can take care of themselves. The horses are the ones that require more effort. I love all of them though. 

[verypunny]

You don't want him to relent just so you don't leave him. This could lead to boatloads of resentment.

[mrssandro]

I would be livid and this would be a major game changer for me. I would insist on a deep conversation and come up with some sort of solid plan.

DH recently pulled this on me after my last m/c. He just didn't see the need to have a second child if having it would mean risking my health. It came from a good place but we argued for 4 days about it because I am not just going to have my dream smashed based on his opinion alone. We talked a lot and and we wrote down a plan together.

You guys need to be on the same plan. Otherwise it will cause some major resentment.

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2013 8:38:57 GMT -5 @rennido said:

I'm sorry he said such hurtful things. I agree with previous posters, kids isn't something you compromise on.

That being said, H didn't want to have kids. And we actually broke up about it once. He was terrified he was going to end up like his father, emotionally and physically abusive, which couldn't be further from the truth of what his personality is.

When we got back together. His nephew had just been born and he went and did the uncle thing, that was his first exposure to a baby. Then from there everyone started having them and he slowly got used to the idea of having kids.
When I got pregnant, he was excited. When he held our DS in his arms for the first time, I'll never forget what he said "this is the best day of my life, I'm sorry baby, our wedding is a close second. Meeting Huey Lewis is third. But this? This is the best day of my life"

I was even texting him yesterday about a friend who divorced over the fact that she wanted kids, he didn't. H's response was "well, I didn't either...thank god we have DS"

My point is, guys can change their mind. And yeah, he's scared. That's normal. And you're right, it's completely different when it's your own child. I can't stand two year olds, but when it comes to my own child, he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Hugs to you. You shouldn't compromise, I think he just maybe scared about it actually happening now? Doesn't excuse his behavior for being a douche though. Give it a week and revisit. ((Hugs))

OMG, that seriously made me tear up. 

[winemaker]

I was in a very similar situation about the children conversation. My H never bluntly said what yours said to you but the issues were similar. I recommend counseling for sure. My counselor was amazing and gave me a safe place to share what I was really feeling without scrutiny. My H and I are in a better place about children now.

[LauraMoser]

Oct 25, 2013 8:48:30 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

if you two were 22 and 24, I'd be inclined to say wait. You dont really have a lot of time to divorce, find a new fellow, meet, marry, and then have kids. I'd be looking to resolve this sooner rather than later and I would not let the matter drop.

:Y: :Y:

[flex]

Let's not leap to divorce talk right away.

You say the two of you have been fickle about this subject in the past. The fact that he was so insulting to you about your mothering capabilities leads me to believe he's being ultra sensitive about something, and it may not be about having a child. I think counseling is in order here, or, at the very least, better communication between the two of you. Try to set aside your hurt feelings for a minute, and sit down with your DH and say "hey, what is this anger REALLY about??"

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2013 8:09:34 GMT -5 frkls said:

dude. i can't really think of anything more hurtful than "i don't think you'd make a good mother." omg i'm so so sorry

I went here too.  I have so many questions in my head. You say you can think of a million reasons why you shouldn't have a child but I don't believe it.  That is a lot of reasons.  EDIT: what I mean is that I feel like you are being hard on yourself saying there are a million reasons you shouldn't have a kid.

I have friends who never had kids.  They never wanted kids, either of them.  So they never did. She told me she never had that longing for a child. 

Listen I am not saying having kids is easy.  but I think given the fact that you have that longing for a child, this may come back to you in two years and you will feel resentful and angry. 

On paper one would think I wouldn't have been able to handle children either.  I was selfish, self absorbed, work a holic, loved to spend money on myself, travel  etc.. totally independent and a bit of a wild child (and adult lol). 

But here I am three kids later.  I settled into it nicely. I am the happiest I have ever been and I feel complete.  This was right for ME (not everyone).

I am all over the place right now bc I guess I just don't get what he means by you couldn't handle it???

Bottom line I am sorry you are going through this HUGS

[papie]

Oct 25, 2013 8:09:34 GMT -5 frkls said:

dude. i can't really think of anything more hurtful than "i don't think you'd make a good mother." omg i'm so so sorry

Agreed.  My brother says that about SIL to justify why they won't be having them.  Dude, it is ok to say you guys don't want kids, no need to insult your wife in the process.  


I am so sorry.  (((hugs))) And it is kinda BS to put it all on "kids are so incredibly hard".  Maybe he doesn't want them.  It happens.  But although kids are hard, you just roll with it and most people do just fine.  

I guess you need to think about what this means for you.  Are you willing to stay with him? Is your desire to be with him stronger than your desire for kids? I'd suggest talking to someone (yes a therapist) to sort this all through.  

[eddy]

I think his "You wouldn't be a good mother" comment is bullshit and trying to put the blame on you for his own feelings. Total cop out.

[sparkythelawyer]

I am so sorry this is happening in your marriage. I think he spoke harshly out of his own emotions and needs and not any shortcomings you might have.

That being said, you have to decide if you are ok with staying with this man even if you never have children. I could not. I could not proceed with someone that said they did not want children. What is at stake is too important to me to be with someone who is not on the same page and "hope" that they change their mind. It is not a good risk to me. You have to figure out whether this is a good risk for you. I wish you all of the best luck in the world.

[cheeseandcrackers]

Gosh.. I'm sorry

[tacocat]

I'm sorry he pulled that on you. It was completely unacceptable to say you wouldn't be a good mother. I would try to talk to him again when you have time to really discuss it, and then determine if you need to involve an outside party.

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2013 8:48:30 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

if you two were 22 and 24, I'd be inclined to say wait. You dont really have a lot of time to divorce, find a new fellow, meet, marry, and then have kids. I'd be looking to resolve this sooner rather than later and I would not let the matter drop.

I would agree with this--DH and I started trying to have a child when I was 29. It took two unexplained missed miscarriages and 2 years for us to have C. Age is no guarantee regarding the ease of having children, so I would agree with figuring out how critical being a parent is for you as soon as possible, and seeing if your position can work within this relationship much sooner than later.

[Deleted]

He is unkind. That was unkind. Do you want kids? Do you want their father to be a kind, willing participant in the process or someone who was arm twisted into it to avoid divorce? These are 2 of tons of questions you need to ask yourself.

Fwiw, I have kids and think I'm doing okay at it, and I know caring for 9 pets would break me.

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2013 9:21:07 GMT -5 cville said:

Do you want their father to be a kind, willing participant in the process or someone who was arm twisted into it to avoid divorce? These are 2 of tons of questions you need to ask yourself.

Please work through these questions (maybe in counseling). I know it is possible for men to change their minds regarding having kids. Just make sure HE changes his mind. Rather then being forced or pushed in to having kids.

Parenting is hard. Very hard! And having a partner that is ready and willing to co-parent is really really important. You don't want to have kids with someone that deep down doesn't really want kids.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Wait a minute. Did he only say that he didn't think you'd be a good mother after he said how awful caring for his siblings and dad's gf's kids was, and you told him that it'd be different if they were his?

I don't know. I think someone who says "well, I guess we'll have one and see how it goes" doesn't sound like someone who ever actually wanted children.

[lissaholly]

I think horse people can definitely handle a crying baby. Seriously, horses pick up on false bravado, so you can honestly keep your cool.

I am sorry you are in this position. I hope you can find peace with your decisions.