Ok, I need help. Update (kind of) in replies.

[MixedBerryJam]

I don't have any additional suggestions or ideas other than what's been mentioned, but as the mother of teen boys I just want to thank you so much for everything you're doing for this young man. I'm hoping he's just "testing" you to see how far he can push you before he learns, "Hey, maybe I have an actual home and family in this gig." Because the kinds of behavior you're describing really does sound "normal"ish, just on steroids! Good luck, and I hope the school counselors can help him come to this realization sooner rather than later.

[vicky]

Huge hugs.
I was a troubled teen, and I would have given anything for someone to notice and care like you are. It is helping, believe me.

So, when I was a kid and I continually cut school, my high school sent a dean to my house to do a check on me. Maybe someone could be dispatched from school?

[greenapple]

You are doing a terrific job. I'm sorry you have hit a rough patch.

I wonder if showing him what would happen if he dropped out of school (since he asked what would happen) would sort of show him the other side of not completing HS. I know there are exceptions but for the most part HS dropouts make very little money doing hard, hard work. He has things at your house (tv, option to earn a phone, food) that he might not be able to afford if he dropped out and went to work.

I wonder if he feels there would be less expectation of him if he dropped out and went to work. If that is the case I would try and validate his feelings because I imagine to him they are very, very real. Often times anger stems from fear. Maybe he is fearful he won't be able to keep up the pace he managed while trying to earn the phone and is trying to curb letting you down by threateing to give up.

Just a few ideas.

[TrickyBob]

I'm glad he went to school. I know in PA you can drop out at 16 but you have to have a full time job and the means to support yourself first.

[vicky]

Repeat after me, repeat to him: we love and support you. We want you to make good choices. We encourage any choices you make that will help you to a positive outcome. You are the best you when you try your hardest. We love you.


This is what I wish I heard when I was his age. It will help tremendously. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, it will settle into his subconscious and make little happy thought babies eventually.

[vicky]

P.s. You are awesome, everyjuan.

[EmilieMadison]

He's lucky to have you. It sounds like you are truly doing the right things with him, and he's testing these boundaries- not just to see how much shit he can get away with, but as a test of how much you really care about him.
What if you sat down with him and ask him to compare the responsibility of dropping out and working vs going to school (reminding him that at this point, it's not a choice). Where would he work? How would he get there? How much would it pay? Would he get his own place (he's not old enough do that but he might not realize it)? How would he pay for everything? When would he see his friends? What would he do for fun and when? You could have him help you come up with an actual budget based on what is realistic for a dropout. Then remind him of all the freedom he has as a regular kid who goes to school.

Tell him how proud you are of all of his accomplishments at school and in his activities. Tell him you love him and you want to see him succeed, and that you will fight for that. Tell him that you would be really disappointed if he ever dropped out. I think, deep down, wanting to please and not disappoint the adults that care for you is one of the biggest motivating factors for teens. Hopefully he will begin to respond to that soon when he sees that you're not just giving up on him.

[noodleoo]

Wow, you guys are really amazing. I admire you and your H for loving and wanting to help him so much.

Regarding the dropping out, it sounds like he has no idea how much it costs to live. If I were you, I sit down with him and explore the idea of dropping out of school. Not with judgement, just objectively draw up a budget showing what everything would cost. Assume a realistic income (probably minimum wage, right? What kind of job does he think he's going to get? Talk about it.) Then go over taxes, cost for housing (I'm assuming if he's not in school he'd either have to get and apartment or pay you rent), food, transportation, cell phone, utilities, etc, etc. the most gentle thing might be to say he can continue to live with you until he's 18 but he has to contribute to the bills. Then show him actual bills for utilities, housing, cell phone, food, etc. reality can be a hard pill to swallow. After 18, he's on his own. Then maybe you can also talk to him about the difference in salary with and without a high school or college degree. Right now he seems to think he'd be better off on his own. Time to burst his bubble (gently) with reality. I'd probably literally draw up a theoretical budget in a spreadsheet and go over it with him.

Good luck, you really are amazing and I hope he can realize how lucky he is that you are trying so hard to help him.

[greenapple]

In addition to showing him the budget/realities of life as a HS dropout on a day to day basis it might help to present him with the long term.

My neighbor dropped out of HS. She had a horrid home life and simply wanted out. She got a job at a gas station, lived in a horrible apartment with 5 other people and had a side job cleaning offices. She was stuck in her gas station/cleaning job for 9 years. She had no benefits/insurance and could not afford a car.

She is now in her early 30's and really just trapped. She did get a much better job at a hospital working in environmental services but she still doesn't make much and just scrapes by. Her goal is to go to nursing school but the cost of school, needing a car and so on doesn't feel doable to her. She has lots of debt to pay that goes back 10 years when she needed credit cards just to survive. Once you get in that cycle it's very hard to get out. She budgets down to the penny and some months she hardly can afford to buy food and lives off a few dozen eggs, a few loaves of bread and mac and cheese. She is ready to live alone but needs a roommate to help with the bills. She can't afford a vacation, in home wifi, cable or any extras. Forget the extras, she can hardly afford the basics. She can hardly walk each morning her back is so sore from her old and terrible mattress but a new one isn't in the budget.

He might just not have a clue how expensive life can be once you are on your own. Dropping out may feel like a good short term solution to avoid the stress of three more years of school. Three years of school stress is far less than decades of spinning wheels just to have food and shelter.

Maybe his case worker knows people that dropped out of HS that would share their experience. He might be more willing to look at things if a 3rd party talks to him.

[gretchenindisguise]

Can you do a great Cliff Huxtable on him, give him money and then take it away for payment of 'bills'?

You're really doing a fantastic job.

Focus on the positive tonight: he went to school. That's a great thing - lap on the praise of him for that.

[mrsukyankee]

I would say that right now you should congratulate him and praise him for going to school even though it was difficult. Ask him some curiosity questions..."What was hard about today? What made you decide to go to school? What was good about today?" Get him thinking about how he was actually resilient for going and pushing through (even if it took some encouragement from his mentor - he still decided to go). That speaks a lot about his abilities and his strength. He can do this!

[housewife]

I have no advice, but just wanted to say you and your H are awesome and doing a fantastic job!

[wannabe]

I have no advice to offer, but I'm sorry you feel like you might have been flamed for this

[Deleted]

everyjuan I think you are amazing. AMAZING.

[UnderProtest]

Just a random thought....could he have some guilt about wanting to be better than his mom? It just struck me as long she might be putting pressure on him because she doesn't want him to achieve more than her. It's sad, but I've seen it in intact families.

[gretchenindisguise]

Oct 28, 2013 12:27:08 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

Just a random thought....could he have some guilt about wanting to be better than his mom? It just struck me as long she might be putting pressure on him because she doesn't want him to achieve more than her. It's sad, but I've seen it in intact families.

I've seen this before too - guilting of "what, you think you're so much better than me?!" They even touched on it during the last season of Friday Night Lights.

[lime]

No advice, but I want to give you another round of support. You guys are doing an amazing job.

[malibu]

Big round of support. What you are doing for this boy is awesome.

I feel sad for him. His mother is obviously failing him. It's too bad she's planted the idea of it being OK to drop out of school into his head. This'll make things a lot harder for you guys, since you want to see him succeed.

[janiejones]

I like some of the ideas posted. I think one thing kids/teens forget is that even if they can foresee an entry level job meeting their immediate desires (food, cell phone, whatever stuff they are into and maybe a cheap room in a shared apartment), it's hard to comprehend how it limits them overall in life.

This is not the time for that type of conversation, but later, on one of his good days maybe you can look at what sorts of options people have when they enter the workforce with no skills. Sure you can get a fast food or factory job, but you can't really grow from there... and then how can you afford to accomplish future goals, like travel or owning a home (or renting a nice place), etc. Compare that to working hard, entering a fews teps above and having the ability to upgrade skills on an ongoing basis. Then you can build a career and be rewarded for it.

[UnderProtest]

Oct 28, 2013 12:35:41 GMT -5 everyjuan said:

Oct 28, 2013 12:27:08 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

Just a random thought....could he have some guilt about wanting to be better than his mom? It just struck me as long she might be putting pressure on him because she doesn't want him to achieve more than her. It's sad, but I've seen it in intact families.

I think that could absolutely be a part of it. He'll have phases where he'll do really well, and then stumble a bit. Like he likes doing well, but is afraid to do TOO well. It's probably hard to differentiate between wanting to love someone and not wanting to be like them. We've mentioned a few times that it's okay to love her and still feel disappointed/frustrated/etc. about how things have turned out. I think that's easier said than done, though.

That's a tough thing to process for him. It sounds like his mentor could be a good person to try to talk to him about it. He can still love his mother and not want to be like her.  Is he in any kind of counseling/therapy?

[Gato]

You really are amazing. And 26 - you sound much more mature than I was at that age!

My XH was a foster child. His foster family made a big difference in the life of a kid who was pretty miserable before entering foster care. Abuse, neglect, drugs were all facts of life in XH's bio mom's home. He went from flunking most of his classes his freshman year to doing OK his first year in foster care, then really well his next year, then getting full scholarships to three colleges his senior year.

His foster parents, whom I got to know well, just offered a lot of support and a lot of structure to his day. He had never had either of those things before. It was so great for him simply to have consistency, expectations, and food on the table every day. He (and I, even to this day) will always be grateful to the family who gave him a real home and a chance at normalcy. His FF was even the best man at our wedding.

I think another thing you can offer your FS, besides a realistic view of what will happen if he doesn't graduate, is a window to the possibilities in his life. Show him what he could be and could do with some effort. If he has some interests, lay out the steps he can take to make those interests into a career. One thing both my XH and H have expressed to me is how hard it is to imagine the future when the adults in your life have no clue how you get from point A to point B. And I think those steps are very clear for a kid like me whose parents DID go to college and had professions.  Parents are really a kid's first mentors but it doesn't sound like his bio mom is doing a great job at this.

Good luck!  I hope your FS gets through this rough patch and starts making better decisions soon.

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 12:32:21 GMT -5 everyjuan said:

Oct 28, 2013 12:23:54 GMT -5 wannabe said:

I have no advice to offer, but I'm sorry you feel like you might have been flamed for this

Oh, it's ok - I realize that I shouldn't have! I see this place as a source of support for others, and I genuinely like hanging around here, so I don't know why I was hesitant to ask for advice.

We are 26... I'm not sure how much my age shows through on this board, but I was worried we would get lots of "this was obviously a stupid choice and should have thought more about it" and  faces. Since people don't know me that well, I wasn't sure where it would go, so I just thought asking to be spared in the beginning would be the safest route to take. lol

I can see how you would think this -- I'm 27, and while I can teach teens yoga the thought of one in my house right now is terrifying, TERRIFYING!

But you seriously have a great instinct about you.  And you and your H are a team.  Really -- these two things, with love, are what you need.  So you're set!  You're okay!  You'll make it through!!

Details on how, I dunno, but the others have great ideas.  My only other thought was the next time he is sitting alone in the dark doing nothing, maybe just sitting in silence with him.  My mom, god love her, talked way too much.  And I always appreciated, in my angsty times (nothing like this) the silent support my dad offered me (when appropriate, obviously).  Just things like sitting with me, walking, etc.  Letting our heads sort of run but being together.

[hulley]

everyjuan - you're fantastic. What you are doing for this boy will have far-reaching affects for the rest of his (and your) life.

I took in my sister when I was a little younger than you are now. She was living with my mom and mom's boyfriend, and it was not the best situation. We had similarly rough times, which were compounded by the fact that we were related (she's my half-sister). While she did eventually leave us to go back and live with mom, she tells me today that the time in my house gave her the structure and confidence she needed to go the "right" way in life, and for that I am so proud.

[UnderProtest]

everyjuan

How did you even start to think about fostering at your age? I am truly amazed that you would open your home to an angsty teenager at this time in your life. I've got several years on you and I'm not in that frame of mind.