H thinks he is depressed. I need advice.

[looseseal]

Yesterday, H told me that he thinks he is dealing with some depression. He said he has difficulty sleeping, feels like he only wants to lay in bed and sleep, doesn't take joy in things he knows he should or normally would, and can't enjoy things because he has a sense of impending doom. He took on a new position at work about a month ago, and says he thinks the new job is contributing to his feeling this way. This position is very different for him but is temporary, and probably will only last another month or two. I told him he could quit the new position if he wanted, but he said it would be difficult since it was a temp position and that he would be back to his normal assignment soon anyway, and that it wasn't just the job. I told him we could make him an appointment with his doctor. He asked a few questions, like would he have to go to therapy and what would he even tell them. We talked about it, and agreed that I would make him an appointment. Then, right before we went to bed last night, he told me to hold off because maybe it was just that yesterday was a particularly bad day and let's just wait and see.

I tried very hard to be understanding and supportive, but when he told me that he didn't want to get an appointment I was so disappointed. I have certainly noticed that he's not been himself, and frankly things haven't been great. He has barely helped out around the house, spends so much time in bed playing his stupid game on his phone, is quick to anger, and our sex life is not good. DS2 is 5 mos old, and I think I started noticing it while I was still pregnant, he was barely interested in my pregnancy and doesn't interact with him nearly as much as he did DS1.

To be honest, I was about to have a serious discussion with him about the state of our relationship when he mentioned the depression yesterday. I was so excited about things getting better that when he told me to hold off on the appointment I wanted to tell him it wasn't an option. But I know he's scared about going on medication, and having, you know, feelings, that he might have to discuss with someone that I didn't really say too much because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does.

So, how much do I push him here and how much do I let him lead the course? I mean, it sounds like depression to me. Any thoughts or experiences about starting ads for me to relay? Is that likely what his doctor will do?

[Deleted]

I would also hang back. He is the one who brought it up. Don't push anything and let him come around.

[VillainV]

I think it's great that he was willing to talk about his feelings. It's important for him to understand that depression is an actual medical issue, and that it can be treated. And it rarely goes away on his own. It sounds like what he was describing (and what YOU are describing) sounds like a lot more than one bad day. I would see if you can convince him to go see his doctor. Most likely he'll be referred to someone else for treatment (I don't think most GPs will prescribe anti-depressants). He will most likely need to see a psychiatrist, who may or may not prescribe medication. I honestly have no idea what the normal treatment for depression is, but I know there are treatments that don't involve medication.

[studytime45]

Just a quick thing - why do you assume he needs medication? If it's the job/new baby/general life getting him down, that doesn't necessarily mean meds are the answer.

I wouldn't push too hard yet, but I would bring up your concerns re: his behaviour recently.

[looseseal]

Oct 28, 2013 11:51:15 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

Oct 28, 2013 11:45:35 GMT -5 looseseal said:

To be honest, I was about to have a serious discussion with him about the state of our relationship when he mentioned the depression yesterday. I was so excited about things getting better that when he told me to hold off on the appointment I wanted to tell him it wasn't an option. But I know he's scared about going on medication, and having, you know, feelings, that he might have to discuss with someone that I didn't really say too much because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does.

your attitude right here is pretty shitty. maybe i'm reading your tone incorrectly, but you seem a little flippant about his feelings instead of being supportive.

anyway, i would make the appointment for him as planned and encourage him to go. having the support to make that first step is huge when you're stuck in the quicksand that is depression. good luck to you both.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be shitty. I'm all for him going to talk to someone if he would, but he's not good at it and that was a lot of his hesitation about pursuing any treatment at all. We've been together for 15 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times he's said 'i love you.' He's just not a words, talking kind of guy. That's kind of why I was questioning how a doctor would start treating him. I think if he could be certain that he could go to the doctor, they would say, 'you're feeling kind of down? here's some pills,' he would be more okay with going.

[studytime45]

Oct 28, 2013 11:55:32 GMT -5 looseseal said:

Oct 28, 2013 11:51:15 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

your attitude right here is pretty shitty. maybe i'm reading your tone incorrectly, but you seem a little flippant about his feelings instead of being supportive.

anyway, i would make the appointment for him as planned and encourage him to go. having the support to make that first step is huge when you're stuck in the quicksand that is depression. good luck to you both.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be shitty. I'm all for him going to talk to someone if he would, but he's not good at it and that was a lot of his hesitation about pursuing any treatment at all. We've been together for 15 years, and I can count on one hand the number of times he's said 'i love you.' He's just not a words, talking kind of guy. That's kind of why I was questioning how a doctor would start treating him. I think if he could be certain that he could go to the doctor, they would say, 'you're feeling kind of down? here's some pills,' he would be more okay with going.

Of course he'd be more okay with going if there was a quick fix. Who wouldn't be?  ^o)

The reality is that he will need to talk about his feelings if he wants to start feeling better. Even if he does start meds. ADs don't CURE anything. Maybe he's not ready for that yet, but it sounds like he's getting closer.

[5thofjuly]

I'd give it a few days, then say something like, "Look, DH, I've been thinking about our conversation the other day about depression. It was brave of you to bring it up. But, honestly, if you hadn't have brought it up, I would have. I've noticed over the last few months that you're not yourself. And, quite frankly, it's affecting our entire family. I think it's time for you to get help, and I'll do absolutely anything I can to support you. If I make you a doctor's appointment, will you go and tell your doctor about how you've been feeling? I'll be happy to go with you if you'd like and share a few of my observations as well."

[aprilsails]

My DH always gets a case of the November Blues at this time of year - it's the shortening of the days and the time change which usually brings it out. Additional stress from work and a bit of a depressive tendancy don't help.

He went in and talked to his GP about it last year as it was quite noticeable. They decided not to go with medication since he usually comes out of it at Christmas. We changed out the bulb in his reading lamp for a SAD recommended lamp, and I also just take it easy on him for a few weeks, while making the freshest, most vitamin laden food possible. This seems to get us through the rough patch, but it's obviously not a solution for everyone.

I hope you and your DH are able to find a solution that works for your family.

[pixelpassion]

Give it a little bit of time. Also, try not to take his reluctance to make an appointment to heart, in addition to his apprehension about talking about his problems to someone he doesn't know (totally normal), it could also be a lack of motivation that's also a symptom of the depression in of itself.

[ElizabethBennet]

Let it go for now.

Dealing with depression and coming to the realization you made need therapy is terrifying. Just try to support him the best you can.

If this continues encouraging therapy or a visit with his doctor is a good idea.