Ugh. I don't know what I want to do.

[Deleted]

So my birthday was Saturday and I was getting texts/phone calls from people all day. Saturday night was the Halloween party and most of the time I didn't have my phone on me, it was in my purse in another room.  I had a missed call during the party from my mom's cell number, and also a text so I just texted her back to say I was at the party etc and I didn't bother listening to the message.

I finally got tired of seeing the "new voicemail" icon on my phone right now so I listened to the message. It wasn't my mom.
It was my dad . On my mom's old cell phone that he took from her in May when he physically assaulted her.

I haven't spoken to/seen/talked to him in any capacity since before that happened.

I don't know what I should do.

[sugarbear]

Ugh. Has he responded to your text? What did he want?

[sharknado]

Yeah, what did he want?

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 15:03:32 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

Ugh. Has he responded to your text? What did he want?

No, he was calling from her old cell phone. Sorry I didn't explain it well.

After he took her cell that night in May, I bought her a new cell phone/new number on my plan. I didn't even realize until today that the numbers were different because they're both under just "Mom".

I texted her back since she's the one who texted. I still haven't said anything to him.

[lime]

Ok, so to clarify, your mom is safe. And you are wondering if you should respond to your dad? Do I have that right?

I would not call him or text him back.

[sugarbear]

Oct 28, 2013 15:05:26 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

Oct 28, 2013 15:03:32 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

Ugh. Has he responded to your text? What did he want?

No, he was calling from her old cell phone. Sorry I didn't explain it well.

After he took her cell that night in May, I bought her a new cell phone/new number on my plan. I didn't even realize until today that the numbers were different because they're both under just "Mom".

I texted her back since she's the one who texted. I still haven't said anything to him.

Ah. That makes sense. What did the voicemail say? Does he want to reestablish a relationship with you? Or is he harassing you?

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 15:08:15 GMT -5 lime said:

Ok, so to clarify, your mom is safe. And you are wondering if you should respond to your dad? Do I have that right?

I would not call him or text him back.

Technically she is... I guess. She was planning on leaving him which was why I bought her the new phone. But she hasn't yet. They're both doing individual and couple counseling and my mom says she's given herself a deadline of December 31st this year to leave if he doesn't change anything. I doubt she will leave him ever.

I don't know if I want to talk to him or not. For the most part I feel like I don't want to talk to him but a very small part of me feels like I should.

[Deleted]

He just said Happy Birthday and he hoped I was having a good day. Nothing else. He sounded depressed.

ETA: This is the first time he's contacted me since before shit went down in May. We used to text/talk a couple times a month before that.

[Deleted]

I took pictures of her bruises for the report, gave her phone numbers to loval DV shelters/hotlines, gave her some info on local lawyers that could give her advice, etc.

But she said she got to the sheriff station to file the report and she just couldn't do it. He stayed with my brother for about 2 weeks then moved back in with my mom. I check in with her every week and when I ask how things are she just says they have good days and bad days.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

[lime]

I'm so sorry. I missed the point that they were still married.

Unfortunately, your mom can't leave until she is ready. There is not much you can do, other than support her.

((Fuckstick))

[ax2]

Ugh. That's so hard. I'm sorry you're going through this.

My gut instinct says that I'd ignore, he doesn't deserve a response. Ever. He gave up any right to be in your life when he assaulted your mom.

But I know it's not nearly that simple.

[8675309]

Does your dad know that you are aware of the assault? If so, he has some nerve contacting you. My dad did something stupid earlier this year and my mom was about to leave him over it. (Drinking related)

Anyway, he knew that I knew and stayed away from me for a few months because he knew I'd rip him a new asshole. It took him awhile to build up the nerve to talk and see me. Maybe your dad thinks it's been enough time?

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 15:23:27 GMT -5 8675309 said:

Does your dad know that you are aware of the assault? If so, he has some nerve contacting you. My dad did something stupid earlier this year and my mom was about to leave him over it. (Drinking related)

Anyway, he knew that I knew and stayed away from me for a few months because he knew I'd rip him a new asshole. It took him awhile to build up the nerve to talk and see me. Maybe your dad thinks it's been enough time?

 He knows I know. It turned into a whole family thing with my brother and SIL because my dad was staying with them after the incident and SIL wanted us to all have a family meeting and play nice and insinuated blame on my mom and I said fuck no. 

I'm assuming he thought its been enough time to at least say happy birthday to me, but like I said he didn't mention wanting to see me or anything else, just happy bday.

[gozf]

Ugh, I am so sorry. I hate that you're dealing with all of this.

[Deleted]

He called Saturday night, its now Monday afternoon. My guess is he assumes that I'm ignoring him... and I don't know if thats what I want to do or not.

I've spent months going back and forth wondering if I want to talk to him or not. I still just don't know..

[8675309]

Oct 28, 2013 15:34:01 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

He called Saturday night, its now Monday afternoon. My guess is he assumes that I'm ignoring him... and I don't know if thats what I want to do or not.

I've spent months going back and forth wondering if I want to talk to him or not. I still just don't know..

It doesn't sound like you're ready. If anything let him try to contact YOU again. Don't call him back but he's your dad so you can't blame him for wanting to wish you a happy birthday. I don't know what your relationship was like before this whole thing but he would be an even bigger asshole if he didn't say Happy Birthday right?

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 15:44:28 GMT -5 8675309 said:

Oct 28, 2013 15:34:01 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

He called Saturday night, its now Monday afternoon. My guess is he assumes that I'm ignoring him... and I don't know if thats what I want to do or not.

I've spent months going back and forth wondering if I want to talk to him or not. I still just don't know..

I don't know what your relationship was like before this whole thing but he would be an even bigger asshole if he didn't say Happy Birthday right?

Not great.

It honestly didn't even enter my mind that he might call or text me for my birthday.

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 15:36:16 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

Oct 28, 2013 15:10:40 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

Technically she is... I guess. She was planning on leaving him which was why I bought her the new phone. But she hasn't yet. They're both doing individual and couple counseling and my mom says she's given herself a deadline of December 31st this year to leave if he doesn't change anything. I doubt she will leave him ever.

I don't know if I want to talk to him or not. For the most part I feel like I don't want to talk to him but a very small part of me feels like I should.

no no no. you tell this part to shut the hell up. if you want to talk to him, by all means, you go right ahead and do that, okay? he's your father and if you want to open communication back up, there's nothing wrong with that. but any part of your brain that tries to guilt you into talking to that abuser? no. that part of your brain doesn't get a say. i will keep telling you this if you need to keep hearing it in case the guilt voice gets louder. do what is best for YOU, love.  (heart)

I know its so ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like I'm being rude by not at least texting to say "Sorry I missed your call" or something. I know I don't owe him anything. I'm just so conflicted between still being angry at him for what he did, and feeling sorry for him knowing that he's probably got an undiagnosed mental illness/psychosis that he can't control...


My head fucking hurts from my brow furrowing so hard. Fuck.

[lime]

Don't worry about being rude.

The single most important thing here is your mental health and happiness.

(I cut my dad off in 2004, about 2 seconds after my parents got divorced, so I know how hard this is.)

[Deleted]

I don't want to hate him.. I want to be able to forgive him... I just don't think I'm ready to yet..

[bonquiqui]

You don't owe him anything, and it is only natural to have inner conflict about this.  There is no time limit, and no "right" response.  I am sorry that you are dealing with this.   (hug) (hug2)

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone. I'm still not sure what to do, so I'm just not going to do anything right now. :/

[pantsparty]

Hugs fucky.