I'm furious. What can I do for my sister?

[Deleted]

She is 22, married a little over 2 years. She married her DH who she dated pretty much all through high school. They had a baby when she was 19 and recently had another baby. It was important to him that she SAH, so he brought in the income. She recently took a job at Walmart, but it's seasonal and she only gets less than 20 hours. Everyone, including my sister, thought their marriage was great. No signs at all that anything was wrong.

He told her today that he's leaving her. He said for the last FIVE years, he felt like they were holding each other back and he's done. He doesn't want to even try to fix the relationship.

I'm so heart broken and furious for her. She's so in love with him. I guess she's been hysterical all day.

What should she do? What can I do for her? She's in KS and I'm in CA. They are also the couple that are signed to take Rosie if DH and I should pass...do I do something about that now or wait to see if they divorce?

Everyone is floored about this. His own mother won't even speak to him because of this. I want to punch him so hard right now.

[isabel]

Your poor sister! I can't even imagine how shocking that must be for her. No advice, just wanted to say that I'm sorry she's going through this.

[Captain Serious]

Just be there for her. Offer to watch the kids, let her stay with you, vent to you, and figure this out in her own time.

As for Rosie, wait. You don't want to make a decision about guardianship when you are upset or before you've had a chance to think through all the possibilities. Give it all some time, but I recommend making any change within a year, if you decide a change is necessary. You don't want to wait now and then not make the change because it no longer seemed pressing.

[bonquiqui]

I am sorry.    Be there for her is the best thing you can do, and she needs to get a lawyer.  I was blindsided with mine too, and it is not fun.  

[melindafelinda]

That is classic "he's fucking someone behavior." Help her get a lawyer. Be gentle and supportive.

[WOT?*]

"They're holding each other back" is code for "shit I'm too young for a wife and kids and I want to party with my friends who aren't married and get laid and do all the things I didn't do in high school and college and screw responsibility and being a grown up." BTDT.

First things, get a lawyer and take at least half the money out of the accounts to pay bills and living expenses. More, since she has the kids too.

[Deleted]

Sue, she's in Pittsburg. I hope she doesn't have a hard time finding a lawyer. They badly struggle for money, so they have no savings. It's classic "we'll figure tomorrow out tomorrow". She's such a sweet person and I would have been lost without her help with Rosie.

I fully think he's got a piece on the side. I'm sure of it. I also think they should have not gotten married, but they had been together for years, had a baby together and all seemed well, so they thought why not. I kind of figured they might beat the odds, which is something I'm normally really pessimistic about.

Thanks for the advice.

[sonrisa]

Oct 28, 2013 23:38:39 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

And bullshit that for five years he's felt held back. lol He's banging someone else.

That's what he has felt held back from: admitting he's screwing around on her.

[katfco]

I'm sorry. Is she near family who would help her out? I agree; she needs to get a lawyer and get her share of the money fast. She also should start making plans to be a single mom. This guy isn't going to live up to his responsibilities. She needs to find a full-time job and childcare. She also might want to start looking into WIC, although that might have to wait until the divorce is final.

[strawberriquen]

Why would you have TWO children with someone you felt was, "holding you back?" He's an asshole and when all the dust settles from this she'll be far better off. I think the best you can do for her right now is to help her find a lawyer and a full-time job.

[Deleted]

I talked to her a bit last night. They are going to do a separation for a while, but he's not very interested in trying to work it out. She's hoping they can. I talk to her about a lawyer and such...thank you all so much. I just can't believe this is happening to her. I'm firmly in the "he's an asshole" camp.

[katfco]

Oct 29, 2013 11:11:27 GMT -5 @otterama said:

I talked to her a bit last night. They are going to do a separation for a while, but he's not very interested in trying to work it out. She's hoping they can. I talk to her about a lawyer and such...thank you all so much. I just can't believe this is happening to her. I'm firmly in the "he's an asshole" camp.

Was the separation his idea? Because it's setting him up for being able to leave her with nothing. She needs to set up a bank account in her name only and protect her assets and her kids. If they're only separated, he could easily clean her out in a second.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 11:14:40 GMT -5 katfco said:

Oct 29, 2013 11:11:27 GMT -5 @otterama said:

I talked to her a bit last night. They are going to do a separation for a while, but he's not very interested in trying to work it out. She's hoping they can. I talk to her about a lawyer and such...thank you all so much. I just can't believe this is happening to her. I'm firmly in the "he's an asshole" camp.

Was the separation his idea? Because it's setting him up for being able to leave her with nothing. She needs to set up a bank account in her name only and protect her assets and her kids. If they're only separated, he could easily clean her out in a second.

It was totally his idea. I think she is planning to set up a bank account. They don't have any savings or anything. Without his income, she will lose her car and her rental house. They are very poor.

[Deleted]

No advice. Just so sorry for her.

[katfco]

Oct 29, 2013 11:23:10 GMT -5 @otterama said:

Oct 29, 2013 11:14:40 GMT -5 katfco said:

Was the separation his idea? Because it's setting him up for being able to leave her with nothing. She needs to set up a bank account in her name only and protect her assets and her kids. If they're only separated, he could easily clean her out in a second.

It was totally his idea. I think she is planning to set up a bank account. They don't have any savings or anything. Without his income, she will lose her car and her rental house. They are very poor.

Then she needs to see a lawyer and make sure he lives up to his responsibilities. Depending on the state she's living in, if she files for legal separation, she might qualify for aid, like WIC (in fact I think she'd qualify even if she were still married) and other resources.

[purrbox]

I agree with everyone else about her getting a lawyer ASAP.

And if I were in your shoes, I would change who gets Rosie ASAP. Maybe it's not necessary to do so right now, but I'm a big planner. What if something, God forbids, happens to you and DH before the guardianship arrangement is changed? Things could get really nasty among the family if they all end up fighting over it. That's why I would go ahead and make the change.

[emjacobs]

Oct 29, 2013 6:04:08 GMT -5 strawberriquen said:

Why would you have TWO children with someone you felt was, "holding you back?" He's an asshole and when all the dust settles from this she'll be far better off. I think the best you can do for her right now is to help her find a lawyer and a full-time job.

He had two kids because he likes putting his penis into things and sometimes kids happen when you do that. 

She needs a bank account, a lawyer, and at least part time employment.  She might be able to find a nanny like job that she could keep her kids with her as well.  Would you be a reference for her as child care for the time that she helped you with Rosie? 

Help her however you can, researching information, sending her references, proofing resumes, etc. 

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 11:40:25 GMT -5 purrbox said:

I agree with everyone else about her getting a lawyer ASAP.

And if I were in your shoes, I would change who gets Rosie ASAP. Maybe it's not necessary to do so right now, but I'm a big planner. What if something, God forbids, happens to you and DH before the guardianship arrangement is changed? Things could get really nasty among the family if they all end up fighting over it. That's why I would go ahead and make the change.

OMG, I know! I have no clue who to even choose. We wanted her to go to family, but DH is an only child and none of my other siblings would be appropriate. The only friends of mine that are married and stable is one couple that has 2 children, adopting their third, and wants 5 total. I worry Rosie wouldn't get the love and attention I would want her to get. The other couple, well, I don't like her H. We'll have to do some serious thinking.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 11:51:44 GMT -5 emjacobs said:

Oct 29, 2013 6:04:08 GMT -5 strawberriquen said:

Why would you have TWO children with someone you felt was, "holding you back?" He's an asshole and when all the dust settles from this she'll be far better off. I think the best you can do for her right now is to help her find a lawyer and a full-time job.

He had two kids because he likes putting his penis into things and sometimes kids happen when you do that. 

She needs a bank account, a lawyer, and at least part time employment.  She might be able to find a nanny like job that she could keep her kids with her as well.  Would you be a reference for her as child care for the time that she helped you with Rosie? 

Help her however you can, researching information, sending her references, proofing resumes, etc. 

I would be willing to do that, but she's looked for that before and found nothing. She was in a CNA class, but had to drop out for the kids. I wish she had finished it.

[vanillacourage]

Can you pay for a lawyer? 

You could also point her to Legal Aid of Kansas - kansaslegalservices.org/

Does she have any experience as a child care provider?  At all the daycares my kids have been in, they give a sharply discounted rate to parents who have their own kids at the center.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 12:12:08 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Can you pay for a lawyer? 

You could also point her to Legal Aid of Kansas - kansaslegalservices.org/

Does she have any experience as a child care provider?  At all the daycares my kids have been in, they give a sharply discounted rate to parents who have their own kids at the center.

Not right now. Six months down the road, maybe, but not right now.

[purrbox]

Oct 29, 2013 12:08:53 GMT -5 @otterama said:

Oct 29, 2013 11:40:25 GMT -5 purrbox said:

I agree with everyone else about her getting a lawyer ASAP.

And if I were in your shoes, I would change who gets Rosie ASAP. Maybe it's not necessary to do so right now, but I'm a big planner. What if something, God forbids, happens to you and DH before the guardianship arrangement is changed? Things could get really nasty among the family if they all end up fighting over it. That's why I would go ahead and make the change.

OMG, I know! I have no clue who to even choose. We wanted her to go to family, but DH is an only child and none of my other siblings would be appropriate. The only friends of mine that are married and stable is one couple that has 2 children, adopting their third, and wants 5 total. I worry Rosie wouldn't get the love and attention I would want her to get. The other couple, well, I don't like her H. We'll have to do some serious thinking.

Well, damn. That's going to be a tough decision.

[pixelpassion]

No new advice, just sympathy Sorry your family is going through this

[hopecounts]

She needs to get this legal fast, it doesn't sound like he really has any imtention of coming back so better to get herself and the kids in a more stable situation.
As a single Mom she would be eligible for things like WIC, food stamps, possibly a child care subsidy allowing her to work/go to school and get her feet under her, plus child support of course.
Wishing her the best.

[livinitup]

Oct 28, 2013 23:38:39 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

And bullshit that for five years he's felt held back. lol He's banging someone else.

My first thought when I read "he's done, he doesn't want to try to fix it" is that he has a new girlfriend.

So, STD testing for your sister, a good lawyer to split their finances and set-up a custody agreement, and an education plan so your sister can support herself.

And a lot of sympathy that she has been so badly treated by someone she loves.

[Deleted]

Everything livinitup just said. She probably feels like she doesn't have many/any options since she hasn't been working much. Could you help her find the resources she can call on to help her so that he can't just run off and bang whatever skeeze he wants and shirk all sense of responsibility?

[Deleted]

I'm trying to help her as much as I can, but I'm limited to what Google tells me. Today she's on the hopes that maybe they'll work it out

[livinitup]

She's going to emotionally crash when she realizes that there is (most likely) another woman. You need to prepare for that.