Why I Lie To My Parents About How Much Money I Make

[wise_rita]

Interesting read but nothing novel here.  I feel so badly for those of you with financial train wreck parents.

www.businessinsider.com/why-i-lie-to-my-parents-about-how-much-money-i-make-2013-10?IR=T

I love my parents dearly and will always be grateful for the love they’ve shown me. That’s why lying to them about how much money I make—and resisting the urge to bail them out of the financial messes they continually find themselves in—is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

When I was growing up, I wasn’t really aware of the fact that my parents weren’t very smart about their finances. My dad is a member of the clergy and my mom is an executive assistant. While they never made a ton of money, it always seemed like we were fairly comfortable. My parents could afford to send me to summer sleep-away camp and to sign me up for extra-curricular activities, and they always portrayed this image of us being a we-can-keep-up-with-the-Joneses kind of family. It wasn’t until I got to high school that I realized there were some holes in the well-woven story that my parents had spun.



My Parents’ Money Problems

When I was in 12th grade, my dad lost his job, so my mom, dad, brother, and I moved to Colorado. When we got there, my mom was suddenly out of work as well. Money-wise, things went downhill very fast after we moved. I sensed that my parents were in financial trouble; I could see that they weren’t working, but they were still spending, and the numbers just didn’t add up. I guess I just assumed things would work themselves out.



When I left home for college, I was grateful for the distance from my parents. Then, I began to get phone calls early in my freshman year—from my parents asking me for money. They weren’t requesting cash, but they wanted me to put a utility bill on a credit card. Plastic seemed like an easy way to fix our no-money problem, so I ended up opening a ton of credit cards. It was so easy to sign up; there were tables everywhere with simple application forms to fill out. Suddenly, I had a ton of credit cards and was charging everything—both my own living expenses and my parents’ bills that they couldn’t afford to pay on their own.



In the spring of my sophomore year at college, my dad called with especially bad news: My parents had filed for bankruptcy. Neither of them were on track to find new careers; they were taking jobs here and there to help pay for stuff, but nothing was enough. They sold their house and started renting. I was afraid I was going to get another call, and that this time my dad was going to tell me they were homeless. I knew the situation wouldn’t improve any time soon, so I started helping them even more, paying for whatever they needed by putting it on one of my credit cards.



The Never-Ending Debt Spiral

I continued bailing out my parents in this way for years, and it went on after I graduated from college in 2003 with a degree in theater performance. But my first job out of school (doing administrative work for a nonprofit) wasn’t in my field and only paid $15,000 a year—and I had $25,000 in student loan debt. My income was barely enough to support myself, let alone two other people, but I always used credit cards to make up the difference. Even though I was scrimping, living in a tiny place with a roommate in a bad neighborhood of Denver, I still helped my parents financially, getting into even more debt. I even footed my parents’ bill for extensive medical and dental work. In fact, I got another credit card—The Care Card—which I used exclusively to pay for medical procedures that my parents needed. My parents promised to pay me back before the 0%-interest-for-one-year promotion expired, but they never did give me the money.



In January 2011, my debt hit an all-time high: I had $90,000 in student loans (which included loans for graduate school; I earned my master’s degree in marketing and communications in August 2010) and $10,000 in credit card debt. I couldn’t believe it, and I didn’t know how I was going to get myself out of that financial mess.



For the next year, I tried to pay down my debt but I didn’t feel like I was really getting anywhere. Then, in March 2012, I was set up on a blind date with David—the guy who’d eventually become my husband. After a few dates, I knew I was going to marry him. And while I was so nervous to talk to him about my debt, I sat him down and spilled the beans. I told him that I had a ton of debt, but that I was working on it. I also told him that I had recently read a LearnVest article about a woman who didn’t spend money on clothes or other non-essentials for a few months and that I was starting a similar kind of spending fast. I told him that I didn’t want to hold him—or us—back with my debt.



I put myself on a tough financial diet, spending money only on the absolute essentials, and I started aggressively paying down my debt. Within eight months, I paid off about $4,000 in credit card debt. David was impressed and soon after, he proposed. He helped me pay off the rest of my family-incurred debt, though I was against him taking it on at first.



David and I were proud of the progress that I’d made, and I felt like I was finally breaking free of the financial hold that my parents had on me.



Cutting the Family (Money) Ties

Then, one night, David and I were sitting on the couch relaxing when my mom called, crying, saying that my dad’s tooth was hurting him and he needed to see the dentist. She told me I had to help.



The irony is that while my mom was telling me they had no money, and I had to help, I knew that they were spending a lot of the money that they managed to scrounge up on non-essentials. For example, they always buy organic food—the most expensive eggs, butter and milk at the grocery store. They refuse to buy the cheap stuff or generic brands of anything. They also spend far too much money on my nephew, buying him the latest gaming system or whatever else he wants, including a big-screen TV.



That night when my mom called about my dad’s tooth, I was about to tell her I’d help—like I always did—and David just looked at me. He’d overheard what my mom was saying on the phone, and he just shook his head and said, “No.” I summoned up my courage and told my mom that I was sorry, but I couldn’t help out by giving them any money. I could tell it hurt my mom, but it was the right call. In that moment, I realized that if I continued to bail my parents out, nothing would ever change for them. They needed to get on a better financial track, and coming to their rescue wasn’t going to help them do that.



David and I got married in March. Right before my wedding (which, obviously, my parents couldn’t afford to help pay for), David and I had a tough conversation with my parents. We told them we’d closed the medical credit card and made it very clear that we couldn’t help them financially anymore. I think that really embarrassed them, and I felt badly about putting them in the hot seat, but David helped me see that coming to their rescue wasn’t really helping them in the long run.



Why I Still Feel the Need to Lie to Them

My salary has come a long way since the $15,000 I was making when I first graduated. Thanks to raises, promotions and bonuses, I now make $70,000 a year. Even though my husband and I made it clear to my parents that day that we’d no longer be helping them out, since then, they’ve still asked for help every now and then—particularly after each time I told them about a raise or a bonus I received at work. So, I stopped giving them that information, and I lie to them about my paycheck. I don’t feel guilty about this. It’s sad that I’m not able to share my successes with them and all of the accolades and promotions I’m getting at work, but I know it’s how it has to be.



Now, when they call to ask me for money or complain about not being able to afford something, I say, “O.K., I’m really sorry to hear that,” and I tell them about how David and I are saving our own money. I also show them our budget (without going into exact numbers) and how I track every expense in a spreadsheet so I can see where my money is going. I’m hopeful that I will set a better example for them and encourage them to be more responsible. When David and I visit them, we stock their fridge with extra food so that I know they’re not going to go hungry. Somehow they’re getting by—they’re about to rent a room in their house, so that’ll be a bit of a break on their rent—but I still worry. They still don’t have steady jobs, and they often rely on friends to hook them up with odd jobs, like housecleaning or babysitting, so they have some cash.



Watching my parents struggle and have no retirement savings has made it clear to me that their situation is not what I want for myself. That’s why my husband and I have been paying down debt aggressively before we buy a house or start a family.



I’ve learned so much from my parents’ lack of financial fitness. Now, with my husband’s support, I finally feel like I really can say “no” to them when they ask for money, whereas before I felt like it was my daughterly duty to help. And having a support system—someone who has my back when my parents cry or yell, who’ll sit on the couch with me, hold my hand, and tell me it’s O.K. to say “no” to my parents—has made it so much easier.

[sh10]

I had a similar situation in college, but the parent always paid it back. It was still stressful and I've since refused to help. Things have gotten better, they seem to be doing better, but I often have to discourage them from wanting to buy things that aren't necessary. Such as a boat. I have sympathy for this person and any others in similar situations.

[y4m]

Ugh. My ILs dog just tore a tendon in her knee. I know that will be $2500-$3000 out of my pocket. I can do tough love on the people, but not on the dog.

[Deleted]

That would be really tough. DH and I are really lucky that all of our parents and siblings are reasonable with money. We're actually probably the worst spenders but not terrible by any stretch.

[Stingyshark]

MIL is horrible with money. We don't have a lot to give, but every time she asks we fork it over. DH has finally seen the light. The Stingshark bank has been closed.

[ssmjlm]

I wonder what the author's brother does to help. I don't think he does if they're buying his kid video game systems, which makes me even more ragey.

We don't lie to DH's family, we just don't share. They must know we're doing well b/c we buy nice things or do projects on the house, but it's easier to not talk numbers.

[takeonyou]

We lie to the IL's about money for reasons stated in the article.

And honestly to my parents too but for different reasons. My parents are really cheap. They have a ton of money sitting in the bank and never ever use it. I get the mentality, but dh and I like to take trips and go on family outings. We like to have fun with the money we work hard for. We are really great savers and are doing very well, but I still think myparents see it as being irresponsible.

[sproutmd]

My parents are divorced and both are horrible with money. Horrible. Thankfully, I stopped giving them money a fews years ago. They both got one time "loans". My Dad paid me back and my Mom didn't. Every time my Mom sees me, she is bringing my kids crap. So frustrating, but I don't even say anything anymore. There's no point. She constantly complains about not having money, and I just change the subject.

[vanillacourage]

I bet they hate her DH.

[savan]

Ugh, that reminded me a lot of my BFF and her family, It ended tragically when her dad committed suicide to save the house. I wish she had married someone like the DH in the article, but it appears she is following the same path as her parents.

[dAZ]

Oct 29, 2013 8:29:15 GMT -5 savan said:

Ugh, that reminded me a lot of my BFF and her family, It ended tragically when her dad committed suicide to save the house. I wish she had married someone like the DH in the article, but it appears she is following the same path as her parents.

That is so sad.

It is stressful to worry about parents.

[Deleted]

This is my in-laws. It makes me rage-y to think about all the years before me, when DH was living on peanuts and giving his family hundreds every week. And even after we got together, how much we sacrificed for them.

I know they blame me. But we've been together 10 years and my fucks to give have ran dry. Middle fingers for everyone.

[krisandgrace]

Oct 29, 2013 7:30:38 GMT -5 y4m said:

Ugh. My ILs dog just tore a tendon in her knee. I know that will be $2500-$3000 out of my pocket. I can do tough love on the people, but not on the dog.

My dad is terrible with money, he saved nothing then took early SS. I got them pet insurance last year for my own peace of mind, they would bring the dog in but the cost would end up on a CC.

[heyrebekah]

I hope her parents don't read this article.

[pamela]

Oct 29, 2013 9:28:11 GMT -5 heyrebekah said:

I hope her parents don't read this article.

Honestly, I hope they do.  And it's a wakeup call that the have been taking advantage of their daughter and that they need to grow up and act like responsible adults.  Especially infuriating is the part where if she did share good news about a raise or promotion, they'd turn around and ask for more.

We're lucky that while both of our parents have been/are in tough financial situations, they don't behave badly then expect us to support.  My parents have never asked and actually gave me Dave Ramsey to read. I know they don't really follow it, but they wish they did. DH's parents are very poor, but have done what they need to take care of themselves (spend mostly within their means, have paid off their house, etc).  We have helped them with replacing a vehicle, larger than normal gifts of things like tires and retiling their house, and funeral costs. But it's never an expectation from them, just an area we see they need help in and we can help.

I need to send this article to my best friend. She's in a similar bad situation with her parents.  While she's not in debt from them yet, it's coming to a head and quickly. 

[hbomdiggity]

It's still amazes me how my DH Has any money smarts considering the financial mess his parents are in. They haven't asked for money, but they have asked him to co-sign a loan (he declined) and they definitely make comments like "must be nice."

[Deleted]

This sounds somewhat familiar to me. My parents were kind enough to give me a little money to help with college. Not much (<$2,000 total in 4 years) but it was always much appreciated. After I graduated and married DH my mother would call every few months saying essentially, "Remember that money we gave you for school, well we are short on cash and it would be nice if you could pay us back." I was floored the first time I heard this since I was under the impression that the money was a gift to pay for school, not a loan.
Long story made short- We paid back more than I ever borrowed until DH said he had enough and that with the last payment we would tell them that we were done and we had tracked all the payments we made. I now lie about how much we make because my mom would think DH's salary was an invitation to ask for more money. And yes, she still hints about us giving money but does not directly ask anymore. I ignore her hints.

[obladi]

Oct 29, 2013 9:51:05 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

It's still amazes me how my DH Has any money smarts considering the financial mess his parents are in. They haven't asked for money, but they have asked him to co-sign a loan (he declined) and they definitely make comments like "must be nice."

This is where we are .  His father is always asking for him to co sign on this loan or that loan which thank god he declinces.  His parents and siblings are financial DISASTERS. It gives me nightmares.

[ElizabethBennet]

Oct 29, 2013 9:51:05 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

It's still amazes me how my DH Has any money smarts considering the financial mess his parents are in. They haven't asked for money, but they have asked him to co-sign a loan (he declined) and they definitely make comments like "must be nice."

I'm an ML lurker, but this can be my mom sometimes.

I've stopped telling her anything about our finances but she makes all those little comments when we do fun things or buy something a little more expensive. I find myself avoiding telling her these things just because I'm tired of hearing it.

The funny part is, is that my parents make more than we do and have less expenses, they are just terrible about managing it.

[Deleted]

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

[ElizabethBennet]

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

I don't, but H's salary is public knowledge because he's military. He also runs a website that does pretty well and I made the mistake of saying that to my parents when I was excited about it one day.

They also assume that because we can do things like go out to dinner or buy clothes when we need them that we must be rolling in money.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

That was my first thought when reading the title to this thread -- why would you have to lie to them? because why would you be telling them what you make in the first place?

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 10:40:57 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

I don't, but H's salary is public knowledge because he's military. He also runs a website that does pretty well and I made the mistake of saying that to my parents when I was excited about it one day.

They also assume that because we can do things like go out to dinner or buy clothes when we need them that we must be rolling in money.

I always think these are weird answers to these things, because just because someone COULD look the info up, doesn't mean that: (a) they know they can look it up, and (b) they're nosy and/or tacky enough to do so.

[ElizabethBennet]

Oct 29, 2013 10:45:26 GMT -5 v said:

Oct 29, 2013 10:40:57 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

I don't, but H's salary is public knowledge because he's military. He also runs a website that does pretty well and I made the mistake of saying that to my parents when I was excited about it one day.

They also assume that because we can do things like go out to dinner or buy clothes when we need them that we must be rolling in money.

I always think these are weird answers to these things, because just because someone COULD look the info up, doesn't mean that: (a) they know they can look it up, and (b) they're nosy and/or tacky enough to do so.

Honestly, I wouldn't put it past my mom to look up his salary.

[hbomdiggity]

Oct 29, 2013 10:43:56 GMT -5 v said:

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

That was my first thought when reading the title to this thread -- why would you have to lie to them? because why would you be telling them what you make in the first place?

My H is an open book. And I'm a lawyer so I'm obviously rolling in it.

[Deleted]

Parents shouldn't be asking their damn kids for money! they created their own mess, they should get out of it. Everyone has to make sacrafices at somepoint in their life.

[sunshineluv]

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

My DH tells his parents what he makes, and I don't care if they know. My mom doesn't ask or want to know. She is a retired teacher, when she was teaching with over 30 years experience I got an offer for a job out of grad school making more than her (frustrating that she makes so little). She knows that much about how much I made then.

She would be astounded at our HHI and it isn't astounding by any stretch of the imagination, just compared to what she has always had.

I used to worry about the situation in the OP, with my dad. He made a lot of money, but spent it all and lots more. He lived in the same house for 20ish years, and owed on it WAY more than its value. Almost filed BK in his retirment (where he still recieved a hefty income). He only asked me for money once, and did pay it back. I vowed not to give him any more, only because of decisions he had made (alcohol), I didn't want to enable him at all. But I never had to grow a spine and say no, he never asked again for money, and has since passed.

[emilyinchile]

Oct 29, 2013 10:43:56 GMT -5 v said:

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

That was my first thought when reading the title to this thread -- why would you have to lie to them? because why would you be telling them what you make in the first place?

Oh my dad totally knows. I guess it just depends on your relationship with your parents? I could tell my dad about my raises/commissions without using numbers, sure, but since we're open about things and not in any way competitive or comparative I don't feel the need to cut out that information. Besides, I want him to be $$$ proud of me, not just $$ proud of me

ILs don't know, and we kind of downplay some of our spending, because they come from a different mindset and financial background.

[orangeblossom]

I agree with a lot that's in the article, but I think for us we draw the line at medical bills and things related to shelter.

We never give cash, but if you have a legitimate need and we can lag the bill directly then we will think about it.

My biggest issue with helping MIL is the sense of entitlement. I want to help you because I want to, not because she feels like she should.

I think sometimes we as a country our too harsh with our parents. In other cultures and countries it seems the parents are revered and the children are expected to take care of them even to their own financial detriment. I think here in the U.S., it can be more like you made your bed, now lie in it, hope you have enough saved for retirement and an old folks home.

It can be hard to find a happy medium, but I am far more willing to help when a parent doesn't feel entitled and is actively trying to help themselves and not trying to take advantage of you.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2013 10:34:43 GMT -5 @mjmksb04 said:

For the longest time, we had issues with MIL and her money, borrowing from us, etc. I think she has gotten better since she hasn't asked for money in ages. On a different note, do people really tell their parents their salaries? My mom and my ILs don't know what we make.

A few weeks ago, my FIL said "if you don't mind telling me, how much do you make?" (We had been talking about money, so it wasn't completely out of the blue.) I said "I do." He looked completely taken aback but laughed it off.