The good thing about not knowing what you want is nothing has to be decided today. Sometimes just giving yourself a little space from the pressure of making such a monumental decision is the best thing you can do.
If your husband is a good man (no abuse, contributing and you are safe) then perhaps meeting with a counselor could be good. Counseling for a disjointed marriage can be an exploratory point.
Does your husband meet your needs? If not is he aware what your needs are? Can you pinpoint any specific problems? Do you have expectations of how the marriage should be and he has no clue? Are you interested in anybody else?
I'm really sorry you are having a hard time.
I recently went through a mind numbing, clinical anxiety inducing and very protracted divorce. No matter what you decide it's not easy.
Post by sunshineluv on Oct 30, 2013 7:01:00 GMT -5
The thing that sticks out about your post, is that you said, it is my fault, I let it happen. If you let yourself fall out of love with him, it sounds like there is a chance you can let yourself fall back in love with him.
Post by ElizabethBennet on Oct 30, 2013 7:15:17 GMT -5
I was in your position a year ago, and it lasted a long time.
I was convinced that I my marriage wasn't going to work and that I was not in love with my husband, and I didn't think anything would change that.
I know that this gets thrown around a lot, but counseling (individual) has been a life saver for me. I realized that my issues within my marriage were my issues, and really had nothing to do with him. It was just easier to blame him.
I don't know if it would help you, but I do encourage you to give trying to fix your marriage a shot. At least that way if things don't get better you'll know that you tried.
Has that relationship gotten physical or is it emotional? I'm torn on whether you should tell him either way. TTC troubles can have an impact on even the strongest marriage. But you weren't giving your marriage a fair shot while talking to that guy. If you take him completely out of the picture, it would be easier to completely focus on working on your marriage, if you're so inclined.
I know that this gets thrown around a lot, but counseling (individual) has been a life saver for me. I realized that my issues within my marriage were my issues, and really had nothing to do with him. It was just easier to blame him.
This is so exactly spot on for me.
TR, you may need a new therapist who can frame things in a different way for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Post by ElizabethBennet on Oct 30, 2013 7:20:56 GMT -5
I will also say that I was pretty honest with my H about my feelings before I started counseling. I never went so far as to tell him I felt that I didn't love him, but I did let him know that I felt trapped and that I had been thinking about leaving.
The conversation sucked, I'll never forget it, but for us it ultimately helped.
TR, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would try to find another counselor and see how that goes. Good luck with everything and hopefully you can be happy again soon.
It's not possible to work on or examine a marriage if you are in lust or thinking about another man. To be honest it's not really fair to your husband that he be jumping through hoops to make you happy if your attention is elsewhere. Something shiny and new is always more appealing than the day to day when there are issues and real life things to deal with.
No matter how you paint it divorce *is* damaging when you don't have any say in the matter. I'm probably projecting a bit too much here but as somebody who found out about my exH's affair in the most horrifying way I would really ask you to consider not being dishonest about what is going on. It's going to hurt him either way I gather but the world becomes small when a 3rd party is involved.
Post by sunshineluv on Oct 30, 2013 7:50:27 GMT -5
Well your follow ups make this a whole different ball game.
This is why whenever someone's DH just all the sudden says he isn't in love with the wife anymore everyone jumps to the he has someone on the side thoughts. (Like ottermom's sis yesterday).
I know I may be in the minority here, but I think your DH deserves to know the truth.
Have you talked to your therapist about the other man? I imagine it might be hard to say even to her, but I think that's probably a big part of the issue. If you don't talk it over it might be hard to get resolution either way.
Yeah. This is about your affair, not your husband.
Get out of the affair and pursue counseling with your H. Be honest. If he wants to leave then you're free. If he doesn't then maybe there's hope for your marriage to a man you openly admit is good.
I think you owe it to yourself, your H and your marriage to give it a real shot of working. This means being honest with him about how you feel. I also think you have had so many other things going on that perhaps your judgement and emotions are clouded by it. When did you really start feeling this way about your H? After your first loss? Before you even got pregnant? I think the timeline is important here.
And I would stop talking to the guy out west until you really figure your marriage out.
TR, I'm so sorry. I know, from things you've posted, you've been struggling with this for a while. In my opinion, your marriage is worth the effort to try and save it, especially since you openly admit that your husband is a good man. I think you should put your feelings for J aside, and focus on yourself and your marriage - it will be impossible to do that unless you stop communicating with him.
Has your counselor urged you to drop Mr. West? If not you may consider finding a new counselor who is more solutions based rather than feelings/talking based.
I know this is going to sound ugly but if Mr. West is so great then why did he just up and leave to go to CA? He had nothing to lose since he is single. You have lots to lose on so many levels. How much can he respect you if he was willing to put you in a position to lose so much? Now he is out in CA "keeping in touch" when it feels good to him with his life in tact and you are <insert where you are > pondering an end to your marriage and craving a man who is far, far away. That is quite an imbalance, no?
(((Hugs))) Sorry for all the questions. My only suggestion would be to try a different individual therapist. Some are better fits than others. Good luck
I think you should be honest with your H and then proceed from there. If you want to give it a fair fight, you have to stop talking to J and focus on repairing your marriage - if that's what you want. If you don't want to be married, let your H know ASAP and don't string him along and prevent him from starting over sooner.