I don't think this is about your DH or J, it's about YOU. you made the decision to cheat, to 'fall out of love' with your dh, all of these things are based on who you are versus who you think you are or want to be. I doubt your feelings for J are real or sustainable, and I doubt your lack of interest in your marriage has anything to do with what your dh has or hasn't done.
You sound depressed, and you sound kind of immature. Spend some time figuring out why you cheated and what you don't like about your marriage or your future with DH, as well as who you are and what you want. Until you do that, you wont be able to move forward or make healthy decisions.
Good luck.
ETA: Sorry, this comes across as snarky and mean, and I didnt mean it that way. I do think you need to focus on figuring yourself out before you can move forward and I wish you all the best with that process. It isnt easy, but it is worth doing.
I think you should be honest with your H and then proceed from there. If you want to give it a fair fight, you have to stop talking to J and focus on repairing your marriage - if that's what you want. If you don't want to be married, let your H know ASAP and don't string him along and prevent him from starting over sooner.
I agree with this. And I also think that even if your H is a great guy, that isn't necessarily enough to build a marriage on. Someone can be sweet and nice and wonderful and still not necessarily be the right partner for you.
I agree with other posters that you need to explore more counseling and be honest with your H. I can see how it could be real easy to "fall in love" with someone you're not sharing your life with. You're not sharing responsibilities or stress; essentially just the fun parts of a relationship, which is not a fair comparison to an actual marriage.
So I can only go by what you've shared here, so forgive me if there's anything else going on that isn't good.
But, this is marriage. You have your ups and downs and your times where you're madly in love ad when you're checked out. The secret to a lasting marriage is weathering the storms.
Being honest, you can leave your H and marry someone else and you'll probably have the same issues in 5 or so years. Maybe marriage just isn't for you, I don't know, but I think you need a little self-realization here. Most married people get crushes from time to time. And that's fine, and even healthy. But you need to realize that Mr. West isn't special, or the great love of your life. He's your H, only he's new and exciting. Think about that.
Ok, it doesn't sound like you're out of love with your H as much as into this other guy.
I'm of the opnion that if your H is the good guy you say he is, you owe him a fair shot at things. This means cutting contact with the other guy and actually trying with your H.
And I do agree that you should be honest with him about the other guy. You should both know what you're dealing with so you can both make an informed decision about divorce, counseling, etc.
Ok TR listen - you've done a bad thing. You have made a bad decision. THAT SUCKS. But you are not a bad person and you are not incapable of making the RIGHT decisions.
Get a new therapist. Immediately. You've been going since July and you feel the same. Bad sign.
Meet with the new therapist and set up a plan for 1. telling your H the truth and 2. your self care plan after the news comes out.
You're in a bad place emotionally and I know that that sucks. The ONLY way to get out of that place is to DO IT. So, you have to put together a plan and then you just have to put one foot in front of the other until you walk out on the other side of this shittiness. You can do this, even if it is hard.
Just make sure you have the right support systems in place before you take the first step. Maybe even like, tell your mom or bestie before you tell your H (RIGHT before) so that you KNOW when you're done having this conversation with your H you have somebody to turn to.
IDK - I think you just have to start making some plans to get all this shit cleared up. It seems almost like you've had too much time to think it over in your own head and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger and I think once you start dealing with it you'll find it's more manageable than you think.
TR, get a real therapist. It will be costly but nothing is more important than your emotional, mental, and physical well-being at this point. I'm not going to advise you on anything else. I think it's best to just wait to make any decisions until you've met with a licensed professional.
I'm sorry, hon. I know you've been struggling with this for a long time. I also think there are several issues that y you may be trying to escape by setting J. Those might be addressed by counseling.
But, ultimately, you need to be totally honest with him no matter how hard it is. You owe it to him and its the only way you can move forward. If you just run away and say you want a divorce, he will eventually find it about J anyway. And think how much harder it would be on him then.
Will telling your H cause some pain for a bunch of people? Yes. Will it help you move on and get to a better emotional place? Probably. There is no reaction that your loved ones can have that is worse than you hurting yourself.
You are not a worthless person for what you did.
Please take care of yourself and tell your therapist, or a new one, what you shared here.
It's "easy" to tell/convince yourself you are a bad person or not able to be in a healthy relationship. It's a nice crutch to lean to self soothe and sort of dodge the actual issue but it won't fix anything.
Having an affair doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person who made a bad choice. Even if you or your H decide to end the marriage it should end without the influence of a third party.
An affair is a very blatant symptom of a broken marriage but not the actual reason a marriage ends. Before you can clean up the house so to speak you have to put the fire out. The fire is your affair.
You will go through a terrible period of withdrawal from J. Cut off all contact, do not ask around about him, don't seek "closure" or one last goodbye. You will mourn the lost of the thing that helped you feel good when everything else felt like major shit. Feeling are just that though. Feeling. They *should* be worked through but should not be how you make your decisions.
Some people picture a big red STOP sign in their mind when they begin missing their affair partner. Another common method is to keep a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you begin to think of J. Do not let your bad choice lead to resentment towards your H. It will hurt to rid yourself of J but it is a consequence of the choice you made as a married woman.
Make small goals for the time being. It could be something simple like taking a 10 minute walk with your H once every few days. Nothing will be fixed, healed or recovered overnight and the real key is to start enjoying each other under non stressful conditions.
When you do tell your H keep in mind you can only control how you act and his reaction is his to own. You have had a long time to process and think about all of this. To him this will be new information and he will need time to catch up.
I certainly don't advocate widespread exposure but he deserves to create a support network for himself if he decides to give you a chance. You will have to earn his trust back. He will also have to show you he is asking you to do certain things to help build a new foundation and not just to torture you for the mistake you made.
If you feel like you may harm yourself pleas seek help.
TR- Please remember self care is so very important. Great work (I think ya'll say strong work on getting support and calling a dr for help. You should be really proud of yourself!
Do not do what I did. I let my anxiety manifest for so long I was hardly able to leave me house. It took months and months of work just to get that under some sort of control. I'm very happy to hear you are smarter than I was and reaching out now. Be kind to yourself.
Post by juliagoulia on Oct 30, 2013 9:55:08 GMT -5
Many, many hugs to you OP.
I feel like you need to hear this; If you would kill yourself, it wouldn't stop anyone's pain. It would only make it so much worse- both for your H and for a the other people in this world who love you and care about you. You made a bad decision, that is going to hurt some people once they know about it. But that is pain that you can fix. It may take a long time and it will leave a scar- but you can fix it. If you hurt yourself, you would leave so many people devastated- and you could never fix that. You have an opportunity here to right your wrong, and I believe that you are strong enough to do that. You are worth giving yourself the grace to try.
If you need to talk, please PM me. I'm sure anyone here that you are comfortable with would offer you the same. But please, whatever you do- don't let yourself get sucked into the lies in your head that might tell you this is hopeless, it's not. It's a hard situation, for sure. But it's not the end of the world- even if it feels like it.
But please, whatever you do- don't let yourself get sucked into the lies in your head that might tell you this is hopeless, it's not. It's a hard situation, for sure. But it's not the end of the world- even if it feels like it.
So, so, so, so true.
The shit that I've said to myself and berated myself over are far worse than anything anyone else has said to me. I have made a conscious decision to say to these negative thoughts "GO AWAY. You're not helping here. I'm going to be ok, it's going to be ok" and then I take a deep breath and think about something else and revisit the feelings when I am more calm. Like, in the bathtub or at my relaxation place. It's normal to have overwhelming feelings through things like this. Expected really. You just have to pick and choose when to deal with the feelings in the most constructive way for you.
Post by pantsparty on Oct 30, 2013 10:22:03 GMT -5
I am recalling a few more of your posts and while of course it's very easy to romanticize an affair, I am almost sure my marriage would be over if my H decided to explore a new career path that left me financially responsible for our lifestyle.
You do need to be honest with him, but don't forget about being honest with yourself. Try to set aside your guilt and find out if you really want to be with your H. You shouldn't let guilt make you stay if you don't think you'll ultimately be happy.
Hopefully a therapist can help you gain clarity. Big hugs.
I think you need to decide what you want. Me reading into it, you don't want to be with your H. If you decide that, I see no reason to tell him about your affair. I know I'm the minority, but I find it selfish to tell him if your leaving him anyway. If you want to stay with your H, then he needs to know and he can decide whether he wants to continue your marriage. And you need to stop your relationship with j regardless.
Oh honey, you are not a terrible person. You made some bad choices but those do not define who you really are.
And I can say that because I have been in your shoes, even to the point of feeling like there was no point in my going on.
I had a affair several years ago (while mostly emotional, there was several kissing/make-out sessions involved). My marriage had hit rock-bottom (or so I thought) and for a number of reasons, I felt completely alienated from my husband and turned to someone else to make myself feel better.
So I can absolutely understand the need to feel wanted and desired, but after numerous fights with my H where I tried to tell him how I was feeling, instead of giving him the ultimatum of counseling or divorce, I chose to lean on a close male friend, we'll call him X, and confide in X, which of course, led me down the path to cheating on my H.
Were the problems in my marriage to blame for my actions? Of course not, but as someone else said upthread, these things do not happen in a vacuum. The shitty situation that was my marriage then helped create an environment where we both were vulnerable to an affair.
I ended the affair with my X but a few days later, before I had the guts to confess, H intercepted a message from X wanting to maintain the relationship, and H confronted me.
So I absolutely agree that it will be better for you to confess - regardless of what you decide to do about your marriage - than be found out. Trust me, you do not want this hanging over your head like a ticking time bomb - especially if you do decide to reconcile.
I also agree with those who have said you need to go no contact with "J." I still see X on occasion - we work for the same (large) company, but I made it clear I wanted no further contact with X to X and he has abided by that so far. Was it hard? Hell yes, it was hard, especially when H was hurting like crazy and lashing out at me on a daily basis. It would have been very easy to go back to X and rekindle things, if only to soothe my hurt feelings and get the high I was receiving by spending time with him.
But H and I decided to work on our marriage and there was no room for someone else in that marriage so I went no contact and never looked back. And honestly where my X and your J are concerned, why in the world would we have wanted to be with someone who was okay with being with a married woman? Don't pick at the scab - rip off the band-aid and be done.
It was a very hard, long road that H and I both faced as we repaired the marriage but there is no way over or under this - only through this. We both agreed to go to counseling (before he learned of the affair, H swore he would NEVER go to counseling) and we even separated for a time when his anger got the best of him so much that he feared physically hurting me.
Counseling and the support of a few close, non-judgmental friends was a lifesaver for me - literally. And our counselor, whom we saw jointly and separately for many, many months, made it very clear that her number 1 priority was for us as individuals to become whole, healthy individuals. For me to figure out what was missing in me that I would think so little of MYSELF that I would cheat on my H and for H to figure out how he could be so caught up in himself that he could ignore my literal cries for help where our marriage was concerned.
Our marriage is so much better than I ever imagined it could be - in some ways, it's like a brand-new marriage because we scrapped what wasn't working (which was a lot of stuff) and started fresh. But it did take a lot to get to this place.
For you, right now, in these very scary moments of what the fuck have I done and now what? I wouldn't even worry about your marriage right now - you need to take care of you and getting in to see someone who is there to focus solely on your needs. I do think you should tell your husband soon as he has the right to know that information so he can make decisions about his future with full disclosure, but I want you to talk to someone first so you can hear from someone else besides us that you are a good person, that you have so much to offer in this world, and to please, please, please don't hurt yourself or worse. Give yourself a chance to heal from this.
Every day is a brand-new opportunity to be the person you want to be, to live the life you've always wanted. And you deserve that 100%.