oh parents - with an update!

[EmilieMadison]

Time to put her in daycare M-F. Sorry

[Deleted]

Oh no! I would go ahead and secure daycare full time.

[Deleted]

We had this issue. When I first went back they were helping us and it became such a hassle trying to schedule around their doctors appointments and such, it was too much stress and we just switched to full time.

Sorry you're trying to adjust to being back and this stuff.

[revolution]

Put her in five days a week. If they would like her every once in a while, they can have her. They are being ridiculous.

How's being back to work?

[Deleted]

Looks like M-F daycare it is.

[sonrisa]

Oct 30, 2013 10:46:50 GMT -5 11d said:

 how do I have this conversation without my Mom, the martyr, breaking down in the "I'm the worst Grandma in the world" reaction. They do a ton for us and I feel like they are very fragile when it comes to their grandchildren, especially my kids as these are their last grandbabies.

If you want to coddle her: "Hi Mom! You are such a great grandmother. It was so sweet of you and dad to take care of my child this week. Thank you so much. You two are so busy right now. We are putting her in daycare five days a week. I'm sure we can find another time for you to spend time together."

But frankly, she's an adult. This isn't working. If she can't see that without throwing a temper tantrum, that is on her. 

[snickers]

That would be extremely annoying.

[livinitup]

Then just tell your father, "No, I can't be there at 11 AM. Sorry about the registration, hope a buddy can do it for you. I can get there at 1:30 PM. Sorry."

That way it's on them to say this isn't working out. Not you.

[Deleted]

When we did it, we said we were happy to pull her when here and there when they did not have stuff going on so they could spend the time with her. They were hurt, but they understood.

[papie]

I think sometimes you just need to do what is best for you and not waste too much time worrying about hurt feelings, especially when you know your mom is naturally dramatic. Maybe I'm just mean though.

[ECB]

Good luck. This sucks. But you know that this can't continue. The SECOND week and they are already making other plans on the one day they have their granddaughter? You need to be able to rely on them.

[mudslide]

I'd be so frustrated.

[ECB]

Well, I would suggest telling your mom as this is only the SECOND week and there has been a problem, you are going to need to see how the next couple months go. If watching DD on Fridays is too difficult for them, once the new year starts, you may have to look into care 5 days a week.

Let her get upset. Assure her that it isn't HER, but that you need reliable care.  If this one week was just a bad week, o.k., great. Nothing to worry about.  But it can't continue.

Then she has 2 months tomake sure it doesn't keep happening! 

[livinitup]

Your father put you in a terrible position. That's just awful.

[mushmouse]

Oct 30, 2013 10:46:50 GMT -5 11d said:

I truly prefer to have her in daycare 5 days a week but they really wanted to have that experience, so we wanted them to have that experience. It's a cost-savings for us but it certainly is not more convenient as they are in the opposite direction of work.

I don't even know how to reply to the email at this point.

And if the Friday spot is even available for daycare, how do I have this conversation without my Mom, the martyr, breaking down in the "I'm the worst Grandma in the world" reaction. They do a ton for us and I feel like they are very fragile when it comes to their grandchildren, especially my kids as these are their last grandbabies.

Well the experience is that babies need constant care and AREN'T flexible. lol I would be really worried that your Mom said 'OK' when they called and asked her to work instead of "I'm not available".  She knows you can't take off on Friday but just canceled on you anyway.  I wouldn't worry about her feelings if you send her to daycare on Fridays because she has clearly left you in a lurch here.

[mushmouse]

I was really just trying to sympathize, sorry if I was harsh! I think my head would explode from stress if this happened to me.

[Alyssa]

My FIL is like this....he wants to watch the kids but then informs me that he's going on a month long trip to India. Nice, this leaves me scrambling.

[speckledfrog]

When this does finally reach a breaking point for you, let your mom have whatever reaction she wants to have. They aren't your feelings to take ownership of and you'll likely never be able to put it in a way that she doesn't take selfishly so don't bother.

[Deleted]

Weird. You complain. Then say you don't want to do anything about it. Then say you can't afford it.

What the eff?

[livinitup]

Oct 30, 2013 14:04:21 GMT -5 11d said:

Oct 30, 2013 13:59:09 GMT -5 mushmouse said:

Well the experience is that babies need constant care and AREN'T flexible. lol I would be really worried that your Mom said 'OK' when they called and asked her to work instead of "I'm not available".  She knows you can't take off on Friday but just canceled on you anyway.  I wouldn't worry about her feelings if you send her to daycare on Fridays because she has clearly left you in a lurch here.

In her defense, she didn't know about my Dad's tournament at the time she accepted.

I will give it the few months trial I already had in my mind and then if this happens again, will see about more daycare.

Isn't that just an excuse? I mean, it might be technically true, but isn't the whole point of making this commitment to you, is that she agreed to babysit?? And now she's not. I guess it's a "defense" to say that she thought she could skip it because grandpa would do it. But did she even check with grandpa? Did she actually say to your dad - "They want me at work, can you babysit alone?" And when it turns out he can't/won't - they both shift it back to you. YOU were the one who got your aunt to cover.

Maybe you can't see it because you've been condition to let your mom off the hook. But she CHOSE to break her commitment as much as your dad CHOSE to break it.

[Deleted]

That is annoying after you made all the plans to have your aunt watch your child. I would tell mom politely sorry but you said you couldn't and aunt is very excited. You can call her and tell her yoruself you are going to be home. and next time you make the arrangments

okay I wouldn't say that... but time to put your child into daycare five days. this is only the second week? this could become a trend

[Deleted]

Oct 30, 2013 10:46:50 GMT -5 11d said:

I truly prefer to have her in daycare 5 days a week but they really wanted to have that experience, so we wanted them to have that experience. It's a cost-savings for us but it certainly is not more convenient as they are in the opposite direction of work.

I don't even know how to reply to the email at this point.

And if the Friday spot is even available for daycare, how do I have this conversation without my Mom, the martyr, breaking down in the "I'm the worst Grandma in the world" reaction. They do a ton for us and I feel like they are very fragile when it comes to their grandchildren, especially my kids as these are their last grandbabies.

you say "we decided to put X in daycare five days.  I know you wanted to have her one day a week but with our schedules we have to have a secure place for her until 130 every friday.  I know you will understand"

[Deleted]

Oct 31, 2013 8:54:00 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Oct 30, 2013 14:04:21 GMT -5 11d said:

In her defense, she didn't know about my Dad's tournament at the time she accepted.

I will give it the few months trial I already had in my mind and then if this happens again, will see about more daycare.

Isn't that just an excuse? I mean, it might be technically true, but isn't the whole point of making this commitment to you, is that she agreed to babysit?? And now she's not. I guess it's a "defense" to say that she thought she could skip it because grandpa would do it. But did she even check with grandpa? Did she actually say to your dad - "They want me at work, can you babysit alone?" And when it turns out he can't/won't - they both shift it back to you. YOU were the one who got your aunt to cover.

Maybe you can't see it because you've been condition to let your mom off the hook. But she CHOSE to break her commitment as much as your dad CHOSE to break it.

One of your parents should have said "I am sorry I can't work/play poker because I babysit my granddaughter that day"

The problem with family watching your kids is that they are more comfortable saying this stuff to you.  A daycare provider wouldn't ever be all "hey pick up your kid early I want to go play poker" I am not trying to be mean, but you shoudl have a serious talk with them about the commitment and making sure this doesn't happen again.  Its stressful enough going back to work and then add the stress of who can watch your baby in the event that something comes up with your parents is a lot