To unblock MIL or enjoy the space?

[twoslicehilly]

Most of you know MIL is nutso. Cliff note version:
She's always been nutty, wanted a girl very badly, only had H instead. Is unstable, would consider DD "her baby girl" and often ignored the fact that I was actually the mom, etc.
After we PCS'd overseas last year she left her H of 15 years ( H's stepdad) and moved in with another man.
She quickly started loosing weight, not communicating with us, and lying to H when she was texting/ talking.
When we visited home last summer, we didn't want to go to strange man we didn't know but "she wasn't in a relationship with" 's house and let her see DD there. We offered to go to eat/ play at the park a few different times. More than once, she turned down meeting up because we didn't give her enough notice, or, she would say she had just eaten. We also gave her a mini- computer we weren't using with a built in webcam so she could Skype.

She never called on Skype to see DD. She de-activated her FB, so she wasn't seeing any pics of DD. She would call H every now and then ( maybe 3 or 4 times this last year) and she sent DD a christmas/ bday gift.

Since re-activating her FB, I blocked her. She hasn't spoken to me in a year, she makes no effort with her grand daughter, and uses my pics of her as her profile pictures. The man she's still living with is rumored to be a drug dealer, and she's not exactly stable herself. She had to get surgery, and talked about trying to open up an account in H's name, move all of her money there and then get assistance for her surgery. that didn't work out ( obviously ) and she got the surgery, but WTF?

Now I am visiting home, will be in the town she lives in and I have two options:
A) Face her head on. Un-block, let her know we're coming in and set up a lunch date, that way I will know I still did MY best for their relationship, and she won't be able to say I didn't give her a chance.
B) keep her blocked, let her find out from the other people she's friends with on FB ( C's step mom, my mom ) that we're in town and potentially deal with a huge dramatic melt down at her convenience.

[twoslicehilly]

To be clear: H is not coming to visit the states with me. So I will be visiting his family with DD on my own, and dealing with her by myself as well.

[brandienee]

If he isn't coming, I would not go see her. Keep her blocked. You do not need to let her know you're coming.

[twoslicehilly]

Jun 26, 2012 21:31:12 GMT -5 brandienee said:

If he isn't coming, I would not go see her. Keep her blocked. You do not need to let her know you're coming.

So let her figure it out, come and find me and cause a huge scene???

[housegeek]

Do you really need to tell everyone on Facebook where you're going to be?

C. Visit town, get in touch via phone, leave FB out of it.

[brandienee]

Jun 26, 2012 21:32:25 GMT -5 twoslicehilly said:

Jun 26, 2012 21:31:12 GMT -5 brandienee said:

If he isn't coming, I would not go see her. Keep her blocked. You do not need to let her know you're coming.

So let her figure it out, come and find me and cause a huge scene???

My general rule is to not see H's family if H isn't with me. If my MIL was as crazy as yours is, I would just deal with the backlash. But that is me. I would be more nervous if she was around my DD at all.

Maybe keep her blocked on your FB and just call her to set up something, if you really think she will start drama.

[iluvmytxrgr]

I would continue to ignore her and tell anyone who tells her you are coming that they risk not seeing either of you as well. You don't have your husband with you to help with her, you are pregnant and you don't need all this drama bullshit.

[amaristella]

Jun 26, 2012 21:48:29 GMT -5 iluvmytxrgr said:

I would continue to ignore her and tell anyone who tells her you are coming that they risk not seeing either of you as well. You don't have your husband with you to help with her, you are pregnant and you don't need all this drama bullshit.

^ I was about to say exactly that. You have more than enough going on in your life right now without her brand of crazy. You deserve whatever peace and quiet you can get.

[twoslicehilly]

Jun 26, 2012 23:05:41 GMT -5 @ojo said:

Keep her blocked. If she finds out through other sources and comes through in true MIL fashion, she will have only reinforced why she got blocked to begin with.

This is what I was thinking, too. But my mom, who never gives advice and usually just lets us make our own decisions with out handing any opinions ( I love her) just asked if I would be proud of myself in 10 years looking back. Went on with how we don't know what she's been through, haven't walked in her shoes, and at least if I gave her a chance, I would come out knowing I did all I could.

Then, I had a dream that we did have lunch and she planted drugs in my purse, called the police and became DD's guardian. I decided if I did go, I would take H's StepMom in case any thing crazy/ dramatic DID happen, she would be there to step in for Ava if I needed to handle MIL.

[beans]

I'd offer maybe to meet for coffee or lunch or something at a park, but still keep her blocked on facebook. I also wouldn't go out of my way to meet up, like give her two times that work and let her choose one. If neither works, sorry lady. I agree with taking someone else along with you.

But I also think you would be totally validated to just ignore her completely.

[prettyinpink]

Jun 27, 2012 7:43:14 GMT -5 beans said:

I'd offer maybe to meet for coffee or lunch or something at a park, but still keep her blocked on facebook. I also wouldn't go out of my way to meet up, like give her two times that work and let her choose one. If neither works, sorry lady. I agree with taking someone else along with you.

But I also think you would be totally validated to just ignore her completely.

This. But if you absolutely feel you have to go make sure you take someone with you.

[ilovelamp]

I agree with PP. She hasn't made any effort to communicate with you (or her grandchild), why should you? If you do end up visiting her bring someone with you. But I really see no point in making the visit IMO.

[twoplustwo]

I second Ojo's opinion.

You do not need to deal with the stress and drama while you are dealing with DD by yourself, and while pregnant. She hasn't made the effort, so I don't think you should go out of your way/ put yourself and your children in a stressful situation/ put yourself in a situation (her planting something ect) where you are uncomfortable or even fearful. If your husband is okay with you not seeing her, I would skip it.

[drunkpeggy]

Jun 27, 2012 8:16:55 GMT -5 @ojo said:

Jun 27, 2012 4:45:42 GMT -5 twoslicehilly said:

This is what I was thinking, too. But my mom, who never gives advice and usually just lets us make our own decisions with out handing any opinions ( I love her) just asked if I would be proud of myself in 10 years looking back. Went on with how we don't know what she's been through, haven't walked in her shoes, and at least if I gave her a chance, I would come out knowing I did all I could.

Then, I had a dream that we did have lunch and she planted drugs in my purse, called the police and became DD's guardian. I decided if I did go, I would take H's StepMom in case any thing crazy/ dramatic DID happen, she would be there to step in for Ava if I needed to handle MIL.

You know that saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?" It applies here. My XH's mom guilted me into inviting my dad to our wedding. He showed up with his girlfriend and they got so drunk they started a fight at my reception. What are the chances that WHAM, today is the day your MIL suddenly becomes a functioning, normal adult? What would have caused the change?

I'm telling you, if you want to look back in ten years and be proud, you can sure as heck be proud that you limited the drama in your children's lives. You can teach them that you love your relatives without subjecting them to the drama and stress. There's also a valuable lesson to be learned when they're older that regardless of relationship, you don't have to let people treat you poorly, even your own mother. Respect and the Golden Rule apply in families too.

Any time I start feeling guilty or wishing I had a nice relationship with my dad I remind myself of his crazy behavior and all the chances I have given him over the years which he has failed to take despite his promises. I still love my dad and I think wishing I had a relationship proves that but I do not want to subject my daughter to his behavior and the disappointment and chaos he leaves in his wake.