I Might Kill My Husband

[Amaryllis]

I leave in a few weeks for training and because I don't want to stress before I leave, I told DH he could be in charge of the bank account, especially now that he's agreed to try counseling before we call it quits. Surprisingly I was the reluctant one when it came to counseling. Anyway he's in charge. Great cause it was driving me crazy cause I could map out in my head what we were spending and it was nearing too much (we've been trying to pay stuff off cause we were pretty irresponsible with money before. This has come at the sacrifice of our savings so we basically live pay check to pay check. Basically I left him in charge and because I did, if our rent check and phone bill come out before I get paid Thursday night, something is going to bounce...period. I want to murder him and now am worried I can't trust him to take care of finances while I'm gone.

[Amaryllis]

I'll add. I mentioned this to him and he freaked out because he had it under control and I'm a liar cause I didn't keep my word about not checking up. It would have pulled it out of HIS savings (which is not linked to our checking) instead of bouncing the check. He proceeds to tell me that when I get out if training we'll separate our bank accounts and I'll have no access to his money while he also has no access to mine. Most people would say "well all righty then". Not me. I will not be married to someone who cannot compromise with me on budget or refuses to work with me on it and have an adult conversation about it. I told him if he wants separate bank accounts I'm out. I know it seems trivial but after that he reamed me about how much he can't stand me and how I'm a know it all and then when I defended myself he started mocking me. I'm just really f*cking angry and upset.

[partiallysunny]

First, deep breath.

Second, call your land lord. Ask him not to cash the check until after Thursday. Offer to pay extra, or follow the guidelines in your lease for late payment.

Third, call the phone company. They maybe able to defer payment as well though I admit with them it's a long shot.

Fourth, what the fuck kind of marriage is there if you can't trust your spouse with money.

[Deleted]

First - you should BOTH be a part of your financial plan. Secondly, why on earth would you just hand it over to someone who has shown that he is irresponsible with money to take care and hope that things change?

Why in the world are you even going to counseling with someone who tells you that they can't stand you?

[Amaryllis]

All very good questions that I don't really have a good answer for. While I'm at training I won't have access to internet, phones, etc. so I have to leave finances in his hands at that point no matter what. I thought this would be a chance for him to prove I don't have to worry. On the why go to counseling with someone who says they can't stand me, he says a lot of things out of anger and I know that's not a good excuse but it's the best I've got.

[partiallysunny]

So HE calls the landlord and HE calls the phone company and if it's not taken care of HE pays back the fees.

Done and done.

The whole "well when you get back we are dividing our finances, blah blah blah" bullshit is so childish.

What are you going to do?

[Deleted]

I still don't know why you expect him to "prove" that you don't have to worry based on zero experiences. How do you think this behavior is going to magically change ?

Also, saying mean things out of anger is not okay. It is not a healthy dynamic.

[bowies]

Nov 4, 2013 5:57:10 GMT -5 Amaryllis said:

he's agreed to try counseling before we call it quits.

How you phrased that?  That should tell you something.  Why even go to counseling?  It's like dying your hair before you shave it all off...what's the point?

When you divorce, you'll need separate bank accounts anyways.  I'd be beating a hasty path to the bank to get my own account if I couldn't trust my spouse with our finances.  The only person you're hurting is yourself if you don't. 

[smock]

I agree with bowies: if you think this marriage is already circling the drain, and your H is terrible with finances, you'd be better off with a separate account. At least that way he can't blow all your money before you call it quits.

[starrieskies]

I'm afraid this may be one of those times when he's going to have to sink or swim on his own. You told him that you won't check up, so don't. If something bounces, that's on him to deal with. And seriously, get your own account post haste!!

I get being angry at the situation, but he's going to have to figure it out.

[10nille]

I'd be separating my money before I left for training. Chances are you will be in financial ruin if he has access to your accounts. He'll probably spend or hide his funds and then want half of yours in a divorce. Protect yourself and what he says in anger is what he feels.