Throw in some emotional abuse to keep me around (like "you are such a bitch, nobody else will ever love you or put up with you like I do") and honestly, the best thing I ever did was get the fuck out.
I hope you can find some sense in all of this. I wish I had this place to slap me upside the head and tell me I neeeeeded counseling. I did. But I didn't have anyone to support me through that decision at the time. You should find a counselor. Don't let anyone or anything talk you out of that.
I was just so blindsided. There is no emotional abuse in my relationship. I don't claim to have the perfect marriage becuase nobody does, but we were so happy. Limited fights, we support each other, I'm just completely in shock.
Thanks, I do know that I need to find a counselor and I've already pulled up a list off of my insurance website.
Hi there. I'm a lurker as well but when I saw your post I had to comment. Someone in my family had a similar issue and it came to light a few years ago. This family member has done a complete 180 by truly coming clean and seeking help. They attend Sexaholics Anonymous meetings (almost daily) for 4 years and have been "sober" since. It's a 12 step program, just like AA or NA, and has changed their life.
If you want to stay, or even if you don't, there is S-Anon for spouses and family members in your situation. It's a family support group. I've gone before and I found it very helpful. While you feel very alone, you're not. There's a world of people out there who have had their life rocked in the same way, and S-Anon can help. Even if you choose to leave, this is a great step to take.
Please know there is no right or wrong, but there are services and supports if you want to stick with your husband and get through this.
Here's the link for S-Anon... it will tell you where there's local meetings, links to resources, etc. Whatever you choose to do with your marriage, I still suggest seeking this out. www.sanon.org/
ETA- if you have any questions I'd be happy to talk through private messages or off the board... It's hard to feel so alone in such a shitty situation. I'm sorry you're in this spot.
My husband is a "sex addict" and I have lived through this. I have to ask, do you have children? By the time I found out about my husbands true addiction we had 2. If we had none, I would not still be here. What is your reason for even considering staying?
I know it makes me an idiot but I do not know. I've known he has had issues when it comes to sex for a long time. His childhood was pretty fucked up, and there was some (what I would call) abuse. I really think he needs help but I've also been betrayed.
You are not an idiot and you don't have to know right now. That's OK. I can't imagine what a shock this is. You don't need to make any decisions when you are still trying to wrap your mind around this. You can take all the time you need to figure out what your next steps are going to be. See a doctor, a therapist, and a lawyer. See what they all have to say and listen to your gut. Insist that your H start counseling. I'm so sorry that you are going through this! As the others have said, you do not deserve this.
I'm so sorry. I have no advice. Best wishes to you.
As cliche as it as, I'd really suggest counseling as well, talking about this with a real live person may help you digest some of your feeling and help guide you to a decision you are comfortable with.
Post by wrathofkuus on Nov 9, 2013 21:23:58 GMT -5
If you even consider staying, make sure there's more in it for you than there is for him. Forget about helping him through his issues, or anything like that - think about what is in YOUR interests, since a man who uses your joint funds to secretly pay for sex while not satisfying you doesn't give a good godsdamn about your interests.
What Ang said--sex is one thing--keeping a 20 year old secret from your spouse (who is supposed to be your partner for life) is another thing. Clearly he's a sex addict. and I'm wondering if he wanted you to find out? I mean why would he be making those charges on a joint credit card account? He could have easily got a separate credit card and kept this secret from you for another 20 years.
I hope he gets help, but MOST IMPORTANTLY I hope you get help.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I generally don't comment on these, but honestly, he's lied to you for your entire relationship. All of it. which has taken away your right to decide if this was acceptable to you. You have a relationship built on what he wants you think is true, rather than what really is.
This is not a one time mistake he's asking you to forgive, this is a behavior that is ingrained in his entire adult life. A behavior that very well could have put your health at risk.
You have to decide what's acceptable to you, but in your shoes, I would be done.
This is pretty much what I was going to say. This isn't a one night stand he has been having sex with prostitutes ffs. For twenty years. JFC as much as I love my husband I would be out of there so fast. If he were a "sex addict" why is he not having sex with the woman he married who wishes to have sex with him? So he's refusing something he's addicted to because it's coming from his wife? That a serial cheater IMO, not a sex addict. My understanding of addicts is they get their "drug" of choice wherever they can get it, they don't pick and choose, see? (I have a lot of addiction in my family so while it's not sex addiction, an "addicts" behavior and mentality are very similar, it's just the drug that changes, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, etc)
I'm unbelievably sorry this happened to you. Me? I'd get out while I could. If my h did this I would have to face he clearly doesn't love or respect me if he is using joint funds to pay prostitutes for the past twenty years. That's just far too much. He isn't husband material I have a friend like this, he cries poor me my mom left when I was eleven so even though I was raised by a fantastic father, I justify my prostitutes and million affairs on my wife by claiming that constant sex with strangers helps deal with my mom leaving. Thirty years ago!
I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but for your sake I hope you are able to get out. Half a lifetime is a long time to be "addicted" to something and just give it up I for one would never for a single second trust one single word that he ever spoke again. But that's just me.
Good luck and please take the wonderful advice from pps regarding doctor first lawyer second Again I'm so sorry
I generally don't comment on these, but honestly, he's lied to you for your entire relationship. All of it. which has taken away your right to decide if this was acceptable to you. You have a relationship built on what he wants you think is true, rather than what really is.
This is not a one time mistake he's asking you to forgive, this is a behavior that is ingrained in his entire adult life. A behavior that very well could have put your health at risk.
You have to decide what's acceptable to you, but in your shoes, I would be done.
This is pretty much what I was going to say. This isn't a one night stand he has been having sex with prostitutes ffs. For twenty years. JFC as much as I love my husband I would be out of there so fast. If he were a "sex addict" why is he not having sex with the woman he married who wishes to have sex with him? So he's refusing something he's addicted to because it's coming from his wife? That a serial cheater IMO, not a sex addict. My understanding of addicts is they get their "drug" of choice wherever they can get it, they don't pick and choose, see? (I have a lot of addiction in my family so while it's not sex addiction, an "addicts" behavior and mentality are very similar, it's just the drug that changes, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, etc)
I get where you're coming from. But having dealt with both in my family (my mom is a recovering alcoholic and pill abuser) I can tell you that with sex addiction it's normally an addiction to a specific form of "acting out"- not sex itself. So in this person's case it would be massage parlors/prostitutes. In my family member's situation it was something else. Often in the case of sex addiction the addiction takes the place of normal sexual relationships and they DON'T want regular sex bc it's not the same "high" as their acting out.
Totally not defending his actions, and I don't know what I'd do in OP case, just sharing my experience having gone down the sex addict road with a family member.
Thanks again for all the advice. I left last night and went to a hotel. He has an appointment Monday for a STD screening, and as I said last night I already had an appointment for Thursday and will make sure to have a screening. He called a couple of places last night regarding treatment for himself. I'll be making a therapy appointment for myself on Monday. Thank you again.