A little suprised, a little sad

[livinitup]

I have a new SIL who's having a baby in March. Everyone is thrilled. Her family is pretty scattered across the country, and we adore her, so I volunteered to throw a baby shower. I was really excited and made a point to ask her if I could host the shower and gushed how much I wanted to do this for her. I've hosted several showers and big parties in my home, so I was really looking forward to it. She accepted and I began my plans. Not much, but she secured a date when her family would be in town.

So, after 2 months of ducking me and being vague, today, she left a voice mail message that she found a great place, (like a VFW hall), her sister "didn't mind" paying for it + bringing food/wine, and SIL went on to say that she found a great site for invitations that she would use to make and send them out. She said there was lots of room an everyone can bring food and her other sisters would decorate.



Okay, then.

[Deleted]

Well, that works?

[Deleted]

Yikes. I would be hurt. And I would for sure say something.

[janegold]

I can understand that her own sisters would want to be involved with the shower. Can you talk to them and see if you can incorporate both of your plans in some way?

[flutterfly]

Do you think maybe because you were so excited about throwing it she felt like she had to say yes at the time? Maybe she had her own ideas and just didn't know how to vocalize at the time. I agree that avoiding you was shitty and I can totally understand why your bummed I love to throw parties too.

[leeann]

Maybe her family felt douchey for not taking the reigns on it. Just offer to help if they need it and don't take it personally.

[amberlyrose]

I'd be upset, too It wouldn't be bad if she had told you up front that she wanted it in a bigger place or to involve her sisters.

[dcannie]

it is understandable that her sisters would want to do this so ask them how you can help/be involved. it sucks that your sil didn't refuse your offer in the first place or let you know about everything sooner.

[Deleted]

i get why you're hurt, but here's what i think was going on for two months.

sil: wow, livinitup is going to throw me a shower!

sil's sisters: WTF?!? you're new to her family, but we've been your sisters for 28 years! WE want to throw your shower!

sil: but livinitup was so enthusiastic and i really like her.

sil's sisters: throwing you a shower is OUR privilege and right. besides, we know you better. look at all these ideas we have--a VFW hall potluck? won't that be cozy and fun and just like what mom/grandma/dad/uncles/aunts would have wanted for you? livinitup can help out.

sil: um, okay.

[miniroller]

Nov 11, 2013 14:44:06 GMT -5 cville said:

i get why you're hurt, but here's what i think was going on for two months.

sil: wow, livinitup is going to throw me a shower!

sil's sisters: WTF?!? you're new to her family, but we've been your sisters for 28 years! WE want to throw your shower!

sil: but livinitup was so enthusiastic and i really like her.

sil's sisters: throwing you a shower is OUR privilege and right. besides, we know you better. look at all these ideas we have--a VFW hall potluck? won't that be cozy and fun and just like what mom/grandma/dad/uncles/aunts would have wanted for you? livinitup can help out.

sil: um, okay.

App like & totally agree with.
Sorry OP, but I can definitely see where sil might've been in a tough spot. Espec as you guys had a good relationship before.

[thebreakfastclub]

Uh... I did almost exactly this to my SIL.

DH and I went baby shopping right after we found out it was a boy, and he called his sister to let her know the news.   She ambushed me on the phone and asked to host a shower.  

Now unlike your SIL, I did not want a shower at all and did not register.   I did not have a wedding shower, and it just makes me uncomfortable to be the center of something like that.    But she was excited and I just found out the sex, blah blah, so I said OK.    It is really hard to say no to someone who is excitedly asking to do something for you.   I did not see it coming so I was unprepared for what to say.

She pressed on a guest list and a date until I said that I had thought more about it and it just wasn't my thing after all.   She ended up having a Superbowl party for family and incorporated a small shower into half time.   I think it ended up fine.   DH's mom is deceased so there were no other relatives pressing for an event at any rate.

I did end up having a coed work shower on a Saturday evening (DH and I work for the same company), but I did not tell her about it.   It was more of a fun party than a baby thing anyway, and I was still not sure I wanted to do that either.

I do agree it stinks that she couldn't come clean with you sooner.   She might not feel she knows you well enough to ask you to host.   Perhaps you could offer to be in charge of a cake and/or decorations.    

[snickers]

I would also have to agree that her own sister probably made her feel bad about things. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt.

[yourmother]

I'd be a little bummed. But maybe look at it as her family wanting to take the reigns on this event and maybe even think that a VFW Hall may be a better fit with the number of people they want to invite. It's a stretch, but could be that they don't want to burden you with this event.

[purrbox]

Damn, that's cold.

[noodleoo]

She didn't handle it well, but yeah, I'd be pissed if my sister let her SIL throw her shower with our family without even talking to me about it. She probably felt she couldn't tactfully say no to you.  It is sweet that you wanted to do it, but you really should have given her sisters first right of refusal on this and only offered if her family said they didn't want to.  You can always host a shower for your family if they aren't going to the one her sisters are throwing.

[livinitup]

I think she WANTS her sisters to help, but they haven't stepped-up at all. I've been trying to get them involved - maybe it's me? I don't want to pressure her to ask what's going on. But she's been chasing them down - each apologizing for not answering calls. She set-up a FB shower planning chat, that they don't participate. SIL tracked down this place herself (I would have been happy to choose another venue if she wanted), she's doing the invitations, and she's asking people to bring pot luck type dishes.

I don't get it.


ETA: I do get it. You all have been very insightful. I guess I complicated a family dynamic by offering to do something they have a hard time doing as a group. I'm going to be helpful with what's asked and focus on a great gift.

[youbetcha]

This update makes me all WTF! So her sisters want to do the shower but she's basically ending up throwing it herself? She's the mom-to-be so it's up to her I guess, but she should tell them to go fly a kite. They just want to slap their names on this thing. I would be bummed if I were you too. You were all set to give her a nice shower and now she's doing it all herself.

[AmeliaBedelia]

This is exactly why in my family and my husband's family everyone gets multiple showers. People want to do things their way and don't want to plan with the "other side" of the family.

I'm sorry

[sonrisa]

I find the whole kerfuffle extra funny since outdated tradition says it's gauche for a close family member to host a shower for the parents (ie. grandparents, aunties, and such of the baby shouldn't do it). My mom is a stickler for old tradition and would talk to me sternly if I suggested throwing one for my SIL. Having two sets of close family feuding over who throws the shower would give her the vapors.

(She is such a stickler that it mattered to her when DH's mom called first after the engagement - because that was "the rule" and she blanches if anyone congratulates a bride.)

[pinkeggs]

I totally get being hurt. I would be, too. She should have been more upfront with you right away.

Although, my sister is currently 21 weeks pregnant. I live 1200 miles from her and her SIL lives about 5 miles from her. I am still flying 1200 miles in January JUST to throw her a shower, and I would be crushed if her SIL did it just because she's closer. So, I would guess that that is what is going on.

Sorry

[livinitup]

Nov 11, 2013 19:29:16 GMT -5 @smace said:

Nov 11, 2013 14:32:11 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I have a new SIL who's having a baby in March. Everyone is thrilled. Her family is pretty scattered across the country, and we adore her, so I volunteered to throw a baby shower. I was really excited and made a point to ask her if I could host the shower and gushed how much I wanted to do this for her. I've hosted several showers and big parties in my home, so I was really looking forward to it. She accepted and I began my plans. Not much, but she secured a date when her family would be in town.

So, after 2 months of ducking me and being vague, today, she left a voice mail message that she found a great place, (like a VFW hall), her sister "didn't mind" paying for it + bringing food/wine, and SIL went on to say that she found a great site for invitations that she would use to make and send them out. She said there was lots of room an everyone can bring food and her other sisters would decorate.



Okay, then.

is she expecting guests to bring food to a party that they're expected also to bring presents?

Yes.

Including me.

Which is why I wanted to throw the whole shin-dig (plus everything - food, wine, favors -- with any help from her sisters) for her.  

[youbetcha]

Nov 11, 2013 19:04:30 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I find the whole kerfuffle extra funny since outdated tradition says it's gauche for a close family member to host a shower for the parents (ie. grandparents, aunties, and such of the baby shouldn't do it). My mom is a stickler for old tradition and would talk to me sternly if I suggested throwing one for my SIL. Having two sets of close family feuding over who throws the shower would give her the vapors.

(She is such a stickler that it mattered to her when DH's mom called first after the engagement - because that was "the rule" and she blanches if anyone congratulates a bride.)

This reminds me of Gilmore Girls. What does she say to a bride? "Best wishes" a la Emily Gilmore? (Apologies in advance if you didn't watch this show and think I'm nutty right now.)

[sonrisa]

Nov 11, 2013 23:45:01 GMT -5 youbetcha said:

Nov 11, 2013 19:04:30 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I find the whole kerfuffle extra funny since outdated tradition says it's gauche for a close family member to host a shower for the parents (ie. grandparents, aunties, and such of the baby shouldn't do it). My mom is a stickler for old tradition and would talk to me sternly if I suggested throwing one for my SIL. Having two sets of close family feuding over who throws the shower would give her the vapors.

(She is such a stickler that it mattered to her when DH's mom called first after the engagement - because that was "the rule" and she blanches if anyone congratulates a bride.)

This reminds me of Gilmore Girls. What does she say to a bride? "Best wishes" a la Emily Gilmore? (Apologies in advance if you didn't watch this show and think I'm nutty right now.)

Yes. She is otherwise much more pleasant than Emily Gilmore but don't try and flout etiquette rules willy nilly ;-)

[noodleoo]

Nov 11, 2013 20:29:02 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Nov 11, 2013 19:29:16 GMT -5 @smace said:

is she expecting guests to bring food to a party that they're expected also to bring presents?

Yes.

Including me.

Which is why I wanted to throw the whole shin-dig (plus everything - food, wine, favors -- with any help from her sisters) for her.  

I get that this is a total faux pas (and agree) but different families have different types of traditions.  We have friends for whom all showers are pot luck.  It is just how they do it.  I think her family obviously does these things differently that you/your family does.  You really just need to go with the flow and let it go.