Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 8:51:45 GMT -5
So last weekend, I called my parents. After not hearing from them for awhile, except for the occasional text reply to a picture I would send.
My mom was all excited to see me next weekend (which was this past weekend). Made sure I had nothing planned and chatting about seeing updates to the house.
Well, my brother was texting me Saturday (everyone was suppose to come over Sunday), about how the weather was bad at my parents and they might not make it.
Sunday comes and goes. No mention of my parents. They don't call or text. My brother says nothing else about it and I sure as Hell don't ask.
That night I tell my husband "I really didn't expect them to come, but I'm really upset they couldn't at least call or text me".
And my H is pissed for me. Says something along the lines of "how long do they expect you to try?"
My question to you: how long would you try?
I haven't seen my parents since Labor Day. They don't call me unless I call them. If they don't pick up, they don't return my call. They don't text unless I text first. They don't invite me over, though my brother goes over their house multiple times a week.
My next step was going to be to invite myself over, but my husbands comment sort of made me go "maybe I'll just say "fuck it."
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 9:05:35 GMT -5
Well, let's just say this isn't new behavior. In my old apartment, they lived an hour and a half away. Which was about the same distance from my brother, just a different direction.
I haven't made the trip from my new place, but google tells me it's 2 and a half hours.
And they've been saying they'd come over a couple times now and just never show up. But, like I said, it's not new behavior. They did the same thing when I was closer.
From an outsiders perspective, it's easy for me to say "I'd stop trying". Even though they are your parents, the fact that they really don't try at ALL - at some point I'd just call it and stop reaching out.
However, you're the insider and only you know how this will impact YOU.
GOod luck. That's a sucky situation. Have you ever asked them about it?
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 9:21:15 GMT -5
My family is not a "talk it out family" but a "ignore it" family.
Though, there was a time recently I got onto a huge fight with everyone. I had just started my new job and hadn't moved yet, so I was commuting 3 hours a day. I canceled plans with them for the weekend (first time EVER) and everyone was pissed at me.
So I flipped out. Pointed out I always visit while no one visits me, even when they say they will plus some other things they were trying to guilt trip me for.
Everyone acted real nice after that, like they were going to try harder (which is the reason I even saw my parents on labor day) but here we are back to the same old, same old.
My dad is like that to an extent. He hardly ever comes to my girls stuff and we are realatively close. It does bother but I try not to let it get in the way. I go to his house when I get a chance and keep inviting him to mine. I know that he sees my siblings more than me. We dont have to be invited to his house though. We just show up and he is always happy to see us.
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 9:30:01 GMT -5
Uh, yeah. I prefer to be invited. Then I at least know my parents are "stable". I have to bring my son and the one time I invited myself, I didn't see my parents much (they had things to do that weekend, that couldn't wait an hour while we visited?) and my dad was very verbally abusive to my mother.
Looking back on it now, I should have left when it started.
I learned my lesson in that aspect.
I guess I should mention to those who don't know that my parents have mental health issues. My dad is bipolar and schizophrenic, struggles with depression and racing thoughts. My mother struggles with depression as well.
I think I'd be slowly stopping trying. I might do some things along the way to test the waters, but it sounds like I would eventually give up. Things like inviting them to things already going on so that I'm still having fun even if they don't come. But I don't know for sure.
I'm sorry partiallysunny, it sucks that they're hurting you by not being there for you. Big hugs.
H's father is like this. Used to be all close with the boys, they'd visit and talk. But slowly, the calls stopped coming except on holidays and birthdays. H will call but won't leave a message, but they don't talk about much. If they visit, it's not even for a whole weekend and they're back at their hotel by 8 pm. It's sad.
I think I'd be slowly stopping trying. I might do some things along the way to test the waters, but it sounds like I would eventually give up. Things like inviting them to things already going on so that I'm still having fun even if they don't come. But I don't know for sure.
I'm sorry partiallysunny, it sucks that they're hurting you by not being there for you. Big hugs.
I actually think those are the hardest things. Because then I get a lot of questions about where they are and why they aren't there.
My son's birthday party comes to mind for that one. I was so fucking heart broken for not only myself, but for my son.
Edit: and, I know at two, my son didn't fucking notice, but he will. And he will notice that my parents are at his cousins birthday party, but not at his.
Meh I don't know. My parents/family are like this. I have to make all the contact with them because they don't want to intrude/burden me. They really don't visit me often and typically don't call me either. I know I live much further away than you do from them. If this is how they have been maybe this is just who they are. It's disappointing for sure (I don't want to discount your feelings about that).
I guess I should mention to those who don't know that my parents have mental health issues. My dad is bipolar and schizophrenic, struggles with depression and racing thoughts. My mother struggles with depression as well.
Well, this is going to have a huge impact then on their behavior. We only have to deal w/ depression issues w/ my MIL - and it's been eye-opening. If it weren't for FIL "making" her leave the house, she wouldn't never leave. Heck- earlier this year, there was about a month long period where she really didn't leave. He had to cancel a couple doctors appts because of this.
This is "just" depression and it's almost incapacitating. I've realized that we have to stop expecting normal behavior from her (and in turn them because FIL is in a very enabling place right now).
It's still really frustrating though. Intellectually I know that I just can't expect her to act normally. But that doesn't keep me from getting really frustrated and irritated at some of their actions.
I know at two, my son didn't fucking notice, but he will. And he will notice that my parents are at his cousins birthday party, but not at his.
Maybe, maybe not.
My parents are VERY involved. My ILs not nearly as much. Honestly- around DS, we don't make a big deal of it. ILs come when they come, my DS takes it for what it is and moves on. We've never put out any expectations that as "GRANDPARENTS", they are supposed to do ____. Or given him any reason to compare one set against the other.
Maybe your son will notice, but a lot of this will fall to you. The less you make a big deal out of it, chances are the less he'll notice. And if he does notice, you just need to explain that everyone is different and he's going to have a different relationship w/ different people.
I know at two, my son didn't fucking notice, but he will. And he will notice that my parents are at his cousins birthday party, but not at his.
Maybe, maybe not.
My parents are VERY involved. My ILs not nearly as much. Honestly- around DS, we don't make a big deal of it. ILs come when they come, my DS takes it for what it is and moves on. We've never put out any expectations that as "GRANDPARENTS", they are supposed to do ____. Or given him any reason to compare one set against the other.
Maybe your son will notice, but a lot of this will fall to you. The less you make a big deal out of it, chances are the less he'll notice. And if he does notice, you just need to explain that everyone is different and he's going to have a different relationship w/ different people.
I think you're mostly right. I already make sure not to discuss my parents around Kid, at least not in a negative way. And I'm already thinking about how to explain their mental illness when he's old enough to ask questions.
But there is no doubt in my mind he'll pick up on it.
I do love the idea of telling him "everyone is different and you'll have different relationships with different people".
Even a few days after? Or, you know, when they talked about it with my brother? They couldn't shoot me a text Friday or Saturday when it was snowing?
I'd still take a text today saying "sorry we couldn't make it" and is be happy.
But I know I won't get one. Ever.
Yeah IDK. It sucks for sure, but that expectation may be something they just can't deliver on. Have you ever confronted them? "I thought you were coming over? What happened?"
But there is no doubt in my mind he'll pick up on it.
I do love the idea of telling him "everyone is different and you'll have different relationships with different people".
Oh, the illness aspect - yes, I'm sure he will. I was thinking more in the context of what Grandma A does vs Grandma B.
Knowing what I know now - I think I'd start to reframe my relationship. Go to them when you want/ can. Keep up that side of the relationship. But as far as inviting them to come see you? I would stop putting out the invitation. And if THEY are actually the ones to say "why don't we come visit", I'd just say "No- I think it's really best if I come your way".
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 10:11:04 GMT -5
doglove I did a few months ago when I flipped out.
No response on that particular topic.
I thought about telling my mom (out of context of the past argument we've so recently had) "I understand that sometimes you can't make it, but I'd appreciate some kind of communication telling me so."
But then I was also thinking about saying "fuck it".
I assume when they don't come, it's because someone is having an off day. I really do try to be understanding when it comes to that, but I can't understand saying something to my brother, but not to me.
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 10:16:17 GMT -5
ECB You maybe on to something. They did invite themselves over (I've long since stopped inviting them over randomly, because it gives them an opportunity to hurt me, YKWIM? I stick to inviting them to get togethers, that's it).
But now knowing they don't come even when they invite themselves, it's probably time to redefine things rather than saying fuck it all.
Well you don't want to put yourself down (by saying something like, "I understand.")because your feelings are valid and real. There was no response when you confronted her?
I am on the side of F-it. There is only so much you can give. My Mom once told me you can't make people be the people you want them to be. I know it hurts that they aren't around and are closer to your brother than to you. I think I would just expect nothing and an be surprised if they do anything.
Not really. It was all text and it was to my brother.
I'll try to make this as short as I can.
I called my mom to tell her I couldn't make it. She tried to convince me to go anyway, but I told her no. She left it at "well if you change your mind, we'll be here".
I thought everything was fine.
My brother text me about what I was bringing for the weekend. I told him I wasn't going. A short pause and then all these text about how I play favorites to my ILs, how I never make time for my family, etc, etc.
I banter back and forth a bit with my brother. He's talking to my mom and telling me what she says and how much I've upset her!
I pretty much flipped out. I don't play favorites with the ILs. The ILs actually come over when they are invited and invite us over. If they can't make something, they reschedule. They give us a phone call.
I then pointed out that my parents go over to my brothers multiple times a week, and I understand it's because they have appointments and such in town. I wish I could get the same understanding extended to me when they want to say I play favorites and see my ILs more.
I sort of left it at "Don't try to guilt trip me into going. I'm doing what's best for me right more. And don't fucking complain about how unfair visits are, because life isn't fair and each circumstance is different, as they should well know. If mom wants to talk to me, she knows my number. Tell her to pick up her phone and talk to me for once".
All I got from my mom was a text saying they wanted to come over the very next weekend. I said let's schedule it for brothers house, because I already had plans in town for then.
They didn't show.
So they made more plans with me for labor day weekend, even though I told them I'd be busy with a yard sale. They actually showed and that's the last time I've seen them.
They also said they wanted to help me move, but they never showed. My dad was also in and out of the hospital at that time. Understandable.
Then they said something about coming over last month, but my mom was suppose to check her schedule and never got back to me.
Post by partiallysunny on Nov 12, 2013 10:46:58 GMT -5
That should show you how fucked communication is in my family.
I thought I'd have a chance to talk to my mother that next weekend, but I didn't see her and the next thing I knew it was the next month (labor day) and everyone was acting like it's "water under the bridge".
Yeah it sounds like communication is an issue, but maybe everyone's caught up in what they think they should/shouldn't do and making promises that maybe they wish they could keep, but really can't? IDK, I'm just going off my own family and this sounds familiar.
I'm not sure. I've never really thought about it that way, but now that you say it, I'm pretty sure my mom would love to make it to everything she says she is going to.
And like I said, I try to be understanding about that. I just don't understand making the plans, not showing, and not even telling me you're not coming, but mentioning something to sometime else.