How do you deal with codependent parents

[game blouses]

around the holidays?

I've been working on not letting my mom manipulate me, and each year I'm a little more successful. My strategy has been voicing my plans and expectations for the holidays, listening to hers, and having a conversation with her to meet both of our needs. It's always a positive experience, and I feel great afterward.

However, invariably, she decides that those plans won't work and starts hinting at other ways to do it, and even making up things I've said - "You said you'd spend the whole day here!" when I absolutely did not say that. She's done this my whole life, and in the past I've gotten manipulated into doing some outlandish things I didn't really want to do. I try to reinforce what we've talked about through text and email to get it in writing, but it doesn't matter. She swears I said something that I didn't.

If you have codependent parents, how do you deal during high stakes times like the holidays?

[copperboom]

I've not been in this situation personally, but I would just stick to what you originally said you would do and ignore the dramatics. Every time.

I'd also like to preemptively agree with whatever @cse1960 says. 

[ECB]

Nov 12, 2013 16:02:11 GMT -5 copperboom said:

I've not been in this situation personally, but I would just stick to what you originally said you would do and ignore the dramatics. Every time.

I'd also like to preemptively agree with whatever @cse1960 says. 

This.  "No" is a sentence.  You can say that as many times as you need to.   So what that she makes stuff up?  Let her.  it doesn't mean you have to give in.

[obladi]

I feel for you, these are my in-laws.

[hopecounts]

Stick to the plans you agreed to. if necessary e-mail said plans after convo to cnfirm they are THE plans and will not be changing and if she tries to pull the but you said.. crap refer her to the e-mail.
And yes 'No' is a sentence use it as necessary.

[sparkythelawyer]

"Sorry Mom, but these are our plans. If there was any confusion on my part, or anything you think I did to give you the impression that these weren't my plans, I apologize, but these are my plans and they are not changing. Can't wait to see you on "X"!

[vaportrail]

This is SO my mom. We tell my mom exactly how things are gonna go, but we have to do it via email and text so that we have proof. Otherwise, she'll claim we never told her something and she's all hurt feelers. This year should be extra fun since my womb is enchumbined with a child.

[ECB]

Nov 12, 2013 15:57:07 GMT -5 game blouses said:

However, invariably, she decides that those plans won't work and starts hinting at other ways to do it, and even making up things I've said - "You said you'd spend the whole day here!" when I absolutely did not say that. She's done this my whole life, and in the past I've gotten manipulated into doing some outlandish things I didn't really want to do. I try to reinforce what we've talked about through text and email to get it in writing, but it doesn't matter. She swears I said something that I didn't.

Coming back to this.  This entire paragraph really shows that YOU seem to think that because your mom says "jump!", you think you HAVE to say "how high".

You don't have to convince her of the truth.  You don't have to explain to her how you know she's lying.  She's going to believe what she wants to believe and she'll keep at you.  Why?  Because she knows it works.  She knows she can wear you down.

She says "you said ___", instead of using the energy to argue around the fact that you didn't, just say "regardless, I won't be doing ___".  Don't give her ammo because by doing that, you're also wearing yourself down. 

YOu really don't have to convince her that she's making something up.  You just need to say "no".

[agnes]

I'm horrible at this. My mom always uses my grandma as a guilt trip. She's really good at it.

[game blouses]

This is all really good advice, thank you! I'm definitely fighting with myself as much as I'm fighting with her when it comes to these things. I grew up afraid of her emotions and I'm working hard to keep neutral when she cries or rages about these things. It helps me to realize that no matter what I do at these times, even if it's what she says she wants me to do, she's not satisfied.

[Deleted]

When she tries to be all dreamweaver superliar I act really obtuse to all the conversation openings she gives me to change my plans. I do it brightly, too.


It's a little fun.

[stinkyfeet]

I always say the same thing, "I'm not sure where you got that IDEA, are plans have always been....... " And done.

[lime]

It also helps to realize that even if she blows up, it isn't the end of the world anymore, since you are now an adult.

If she is raging on the phone say, "I will talk to you when you are in a better mood." and then hang up.

[janiejones]

Oh, we have the same mum.

This reminded me to email her/my family with this year's plans.

[winnied]

Just keep telling her the plans and that you look forward to seeing her while you're with her. It's all you can do. She won't be happy until she gets her way but that doesn't mean you should do it.