Post by themoneytree on Nov 12, 2013 19:09:01 GMT -5
Trying to condense almost 30 years of history in one post, but my Mom has been with her partner for 30 years. Her partner is not a kid person - she just doesn't like kids at all, but accepted me because I came with my Mom.... until I went to live with my Dad for a year when I was 10. She never forgave me for upsetting my Mom by leaving and never forgave my Mom for letting me come back when it was a disaster.
Since then things have been really difficult. I always felt very bullied by her and I think she saw me as a major competitor for my Mom's affection. My Mom has fought her in my defense for 26 years. It has been a major strain on their relationship, but apart from me they get on well.
They live in England. We live in the States. Mom has been great about coming to visit since we had the baby & has been here 4 times in the past 16 months. We were in England to visit in August and I thought it went pretty well with Mom's partner.
They are traveling again for the next 3 months.... to the US, but will not be coming to see us. I was a little taken aback, but I get that they will be doing other things and this is a big country. They will be in Vegas for Christmas. We offered to fly out and spend a couple of days so Mom can see the baby, otherwise she won't see her until March.
Partner has vetoed us coming. Mom is devastated, but says she can't deal with the fall out while they are away but will 'deal with it' (whatever that means) when they get home. She keeps sending me emails about how disappointed, upset and guilty she feels.
I feel bad for Mom - this has been going on for so fucking long and apparently it is NEVER going away. We can either just wait until March when she comes over to visit - or we could go to Vegas anyway, let Mom know we are there and let her decide what to do.
I feel like Mom's partner really shouldn't get to dictate where we go, and it sucks that Mom won't get to see the baby for over 6 months.
I'm leaning towards not going, but most advice I am getting is to just go anyway.
Post by pantsparty on Nov 12, 2013 19:12:44 GMT -5
I wouldn't just go anyway. That's an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Of course your partner's mom shouldn't be able to dictate where you go, but it's not like you've just accidentally showed up in the same place. Really, this is your mom's situation to rectify if she chooses to do so.
Post by pantsparty on Nov 12, 2013 19:14:53 GMT -5
Also, you said she's been out 4 times in the past 16 months, which is pretty impressive given the distance, and will be back out in March. So that's not too bad. I get that you're disappointed about the holidays, but I think letting this one go will be better for your relationship.
Post by themoneytree on Nov 12, 2013 19:22:01 GMT -5
It is super impressive that she's been out 4 times. I just feel so bad for her - she keeps saying how heartbroken she is.
They left a week ago so too late to sort out before they leave. She said that there is an atmosphere like 'wet clouds' about the Vegas portion of their trip.
I told her that feeling guilty and heartbroken wouldn't solve anything and to try and enjoy the trip, but I'm pissed. I mean I am SO HORRIBLE that she can't put up with my presence for 2 days out of their 3 month trip. It just pisses me off that this is never, ever going to improve.
If your mother's partner were not such a PITA already, I would say eh. Not everyone wants to spend every vacation with family.
Well - we don't spend any vacations together, ever.
I met them in New Zealand for Christmas about 13 years ago and partner left for the 3 days I was there and went off on her own. She cannot share my Mom at all.
No, I wouldn't go. While I'm floored at your mom's partner (she's holding the actions of a TEN YEAR OLD against you), going behind her back isn't going to help the situation and it's only going to put your mom in a worse position. Dont' do that to her.
Post by Booze Raccoon on Nov 12, 2013 19:24:48 GMT -5
I wouldn't go. You'd be putting your mom in a horrible position. You're not invited anyway. Unfortunately this is all your mom's problem. You suffer the fall out.
Her partner sounds like a complete asshole. No one would come between me and my kid. Ever.
And to add- while I don't doubt your mom is heartbroken, her partner drew a line in the sand a LONG time ago, over the actions of a CHILD, and your mom has chosen to stay w/ her all these years. Your mom KNOWS what that means and what her partner thinks of you and seeing you.
No, I wouldn't go. While I'm floored at your mom's partner (she's holding the actions of a TEN YEAR OLD against you), going behind her back isn't going to help the situation and it's only going to put your mom in a worse position. Dont' do that to her.
Yeah, she thought I was lured away by the promise of THINGS and that I should have been able to see through the ploy. It did really hurt my Mom that I left and partner was left to deal with the aftermath. We all carry around guilt about the situation, because yes, I did fall for it and leave and it was a disaster.
Then she got used to having Mom and not me and didn't want me to come back.
My Dad dropped me off right before Christmas (his wife was being abusive) when I was 11 and it wasn't what she wanted. She asked Mom who she would pick and she said me. It's been awful ever since - I went to boarding school at 15 which helped some, but there are still these kind of situations that come up.
Anyway, boo hoo - I'm an adult with my own family now, I just need to brush this nonsense off.
Post by themoneytree on Nov 12, 2013 19:36:56 GMT -5
I agree that my Mom is not blameless. It's a tough dynamic. She really has fought for me a lot over the years and I have seen the effect on her relationship which makes me feel terrible.
It's just a shitty situation all around. No one is innocent, everyone feels bad and yet here we are 30 years after the fact.
Your mom makes the choice to stay with her partner.
She chooses to put this woman ahead of you and your baby.
I don't mean to be cruel but you need to break this down and see it for what it is.
She's made her choices.
Quit blaming the partner.
So I shouldn't blame the partner for vetoing us coming? It's all my Mom's fault I guess.
Listen I hear what you are saying, but she has not had an easy time of it. I don't respect all her choices, but I do think that she has always done the best that she could.
Directing all my anger towards her will not help the situation, unless I want no relationship with my Mother and for her to not know her grandchild.
I speak to her on Facetime several times a week. I love her to pieces. I know she isn't perfect and I know she 'let me down', but she has paid for it a million times over. Seriously.
I'm sorry. Your mom's partner sounds ridiculous. Expecting a 10 year old to "see through a ploy" coming from another parent and being mad at your mom for taking you back? The fuck? She doesn't seem to understand children at all. And unfortunately, as others have pointed out, your mom has picked her partner over you. I definitely wouldn't go. ((hugs))
I'm sorry money, it's a sucky situation for sure. I almost get a hostage vibe from your mom. Like she doesn't like where she is but is afraid to leave. But I could totally be talking out of my ass.
Again, I am sorry you're in this position. You should be able to visit your mother whenever you like. It's very unfair to you.
Thanks. She tried to leave after I had been back a couple of years. I think she even talked to my Dad about getting back together, but by then he was entrenched with his psycho wife. The problem is she never had any money of her own. I guess she could leave now, but for the most part they get on well apart from me, and I'm no longer there. So I guess it makes sense for her to stay.
Ok. The answer is no don't go, which is what I figured.
I almost get a hostage vibe from your mom. Like she doesn't like where she is but is afraid to leave. But I could totally be talking out of my ass.
What I kind of wonder- her mom came out of the closet, so to speak, over 30 years ago. It was probably a bigger deal/ more life-altering, etc. She met someone, got into a relationship - and I wonder if she kind of feels like "I can't give this up or I'll be alone". Add in age over the years? What might be keeping her hostage is simply the desire to not be alone.
OR she just really sees a different side to her partner that money will never see and it fully, truly is love (I know, I know - how she can look past the "it's your kid or me" thing....).
The outcome of going against their wishes will not be good. It will likely ruin christmas for you, your H, your child and your mom, not just her partner. Have a drama free Christmas with your husband and baby. I know you feel guilty about your mom but you need to remember she is an adult and is responsible for her own choices and happiness.
I agree that my Mom is not blameless. It's a tough dynamic. She really has fought for me a lot over the years and I have seen the effect on her relationship which makes me feel terrible.
It's just a shitty situation all around. No one is innocent, everyone feels bad and yet here we are 30 years after the fact.
YOU were an innocent child. Her partner is holding that against you. You were 10, you can't be held accountable for your choices at ten, nor should you be feeling guilty all these years later. I'm sure your Mom has paid for her choices time and time again, but that's a bed she made and has chosen to lie in. You feeling guilty for her sacrifices on your behalf is pretty fucked up. I'm sorry this is hurting you, but it won't get better if you keep making excuses for her.
Amen.
You said you think you should brush this off, but I think you could stand to talk to someone about this. You might be surprised how it's affecting other areas of your life. This is not a small deal.
I'll add, my dad has a controlling girlfriend (they have lives together 7 yrs). She has no kids and resents us for taking up any of his time. I feel bad for him because I swear he is so afraid of making her mad. I used to get so upset for him but the. I had to face that he is a grown up and he is capable of getting out if he wants. It sucks that our relationship has suffered but sometimes I swear he likes playing the victim. I'm not saying your mom is playing victim but maybe she is putting all the blame on her partner so you don't get mad at her.
I almost get a hostage vibe from your mom. Like she doesn't like where she is but is afraid to leave. But I could totally be talking out of my ass.
What I kind of wonder- her mom came out of the closet, so to speak, over 30 years ago. It was probably a bigger deal/ more life-altering, etc. She met someone, got into a relationship - and I wonder if she kind of feels like "I can't give this up or I'll be alone". Add in age over the years? What might be keeping her hostage is simply the desire to not be alone.
OR she just really sees a different side to her partner that money will never see and it fully, truly is love (I know, I know - how she can look past the "it's your kid or me" thing....).
I will say that a lot of people really love her partner. I understand she can be very bright, funny and entertaining. She LOVES my Mother like crazy. I just never see the good sides. I only get the jealousy and mean streak. It's really sad.
I have tried talking to her as recently as a couple of years ago. She basically admitted that she has never liked me, thinks I am spoiled and she went on a long rant about how she wasn't mad at me - she was mad at both my parents. She is still very upset that she wasn't invited to a parents evening after I came back to live with them at age 11. Mom invited my Dad and not her. I told her that I imagined it was because she knew partner didn't want me, and she was trying to protect me from more of that kind of thing as the situation I had been in at Dad's was worse. She just shrugged it off. She thinks it's everyone's fault except hers.
Post by themoneytree on Nov 12, 2013 20:12:18 GMT -5
I have been to therapy to discuss this stuff.
I went to a child one for about a year after coming back from Dad's and I've been as an adult too.
It does suck. Both my parents have let me down in some ways and been great in others. I could cut them off and it has crossed my mind to do so. But I just feel like there has been enough pain. You know? I don't need to punish them now for mistakes they made years ago.
It does sting when stuff like this happens. Or when my Dad lets me down again. But I feel bad for both of them. They really made bad partner picks and they have been stuck in these situations for a long time.
Where it really becomes an issue for me is that it seeps into my life in other ways. I get upset when friends let me down, or my husband. I can find myself feeling not very important. Not very loved. Which I am. Or I think I am. It sucks.
Is this supposed to make me feel good? It may be the truth as you see it, but it makes me feel like shit. So thanks.
You asked the question. I'm sorry this hurts.
I think you're being a tad harsh here. Her mom certainly shares the blame for this dynamic but to expect her to just walk away from 30 years of a relationship is asking/expecting a lot. I agree that perhaps she should but it's understandable why she doesn't. Especially considering it doesn't sound like she has the resources to do anyway.
I've had a lot of good stuff too. Tons of experiences. Lots of travel. But yeah, it hasn't been easy. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees and I do have a lot of guilt.
I think you're being a tad harsh here. Her mom certainly shares the blame for this dynamic but to expect her to just walk away from 30 years of a relationship is asking/expecting a lot. I agree that perhaps she should but it's understandable why she doesn't. Especially considering it doesn't sound like she has the resources to do anyway.
Thanks for saying this. I know it's easy to shove a lot of blame on her, but I just wonder what she would have done if she had left. Where she would have gone with me. She had no money. She would have had to go on benefits, moved into a council house. She almost lost custody in court because she was seen as an unfit mother due to being gay.
I know she's made mistakes, but what should she have done? I know she 'should' have done things differently. I know she 'should' have put me first. But she did try. She really did fight for me. With everyone. Her life would have been much easier without me, yet she has remained my main support through life.
She could have washed her hands of me when I went to boarding school but didn't. She has always been there for me. It just wasn't perfect.
I've had a lot of good stuff too. Tons of experiences. Lots of travel. But yeah, it hasn't been easy. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees and I do have a lot of guilt.
The fact that your survived in spite of your parents means you're probably really kick ass
Thanks. I am kick ass in lots of ways. And not in lots of others. Just like everyone else. This situation has actually helped me with the guilt. I know 100% that this situation is not my fault and has nothing to do with anything I did. I even said that in an email. That she was no longer in the middle of us, because I was no longer one of the sides keeping her there. She understood.
Do you think maybe her partner would think differently if you met them on a different leg of their trip? Maybe she doesn't want having a baby around in Vegas because it would hinder what she wants to do there?
Do you think maybe her partner would think differently if you met them on a different leg of their trip? Maybe she doesn't want having a baby around in Vegas because it would hinder what she wants to do there?
No, I suggested Miami, but same deal. For the most part they are on the road a lot, very few concrete plans. They travel like we travel, all ad hoc. Vegas was a definite for several nights, so I thought that might be easiest for them. Ah well.