Post by themoneytree on Nov 13, 2013 14:23:08 GMT -5
What's 'funny' about all this is that partner thinks I have my Mom wrapped around my finger and that I always come first and am totally spoiled. I just cannot fathom how her perception is so far from reality. It's really weird.
Having experienced something similar do you have any suggestions on how to manage this? It really makes me sad that our baby won't have great grandparent relationships. Or family in general really. : (
I want to physically SHAKE your mom's partner and slap her around for good measure and say to her "STOP TREATING MONEYPIT LIKE ISHT FOR SOMETHING SHE DID WHEN SHE WAS 10!!! How many years did YOU have to pay for your decisions you made at TEN YEARS OLD?!?! HUH? How much of your life have you had to be shamed and incarcirated for something you did at TENNNNNNNNNNN YEARRRRRRRRRS OLLLLLLLLLLLLD?!? Because you are a heinous bitch to treat your partner's kid like the 'bad guy' for 20 MFing YEARS over a choice MoneyPit made WHEN SHE WAS 10!!! Everytime she sees you, you make her 'pay' for something that happened 20 years ago. GOD, YOU SUCK. I hope someone treats YOU like this for the next 20 years and makes you feel terrible. You are the WORST kind of person and you do not deserve to be happy. EVER."
/and scene. ***********************************
I'm willing to admit I may have step-parent issues based off my DH's exSMIL/SFIL. Maybe.
What's 'funny' about all this is that partner thinks I have my Mom wrapped around my finger and that I always come first and am totally spoiled. I just cannot fathom how her perception is so far from reality. It's really weird.
Having experienced something similar do you have any suggestions on how to manage this? It really makes me sad that our baby won't have great grandparent relationships. Or family in general really. : (
I think there is a lot to be said for the notion that family is who you make it. Close friends, other relatives, etc. can always help fill a void.
Post by spellingbea on Nov 13, 2013 17:02:20 GMT -5
What makes me angriest on your behalf is where you said your mom's life would have been easier without you. That's hugely revealing of what things were like for you growing up.
Her partner is a twisted bitch, but your mom set the terms for everyone's relationship years ago and continues to do so. It also seems that she wants to do that and play victim--conciously or not. How much of that is acceptable is what you can control.
My mom has chosen her best interests over her kids on more than one occasion and I still love her, so I do understand wanting to defend her and the relationship you have. Hugs to you, money.
What's 'funny' about all this is that partner thinks I have my Mom wrapped around my finger and that I always come first and am totally spoiled. I just cannot fathom how her perception is so far from reality. It's really weird.
Unfortunately, my suspicion is that your mom plays the victim to her partner, too, just like she does with you. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't actually go to bat for you nearly as much as she purports to. She may be your cheerleader when she talks to you privately, but that's just talk. If she doesn't back it up with actions, and from what you've written here, it sounds like she doesn't, then IMO all that talk is worthless.
Did I read correctly above, you go to therapy *with* your mom? If that's true, I think you should also go by yourself on a regular basis. I think you could benefit from talking about how she treats you without her being there, because I think she may be feeding you and the therapist a line of BS.
Post by themoneytree on Nov 13, 2013 17:19:20 GMT -5
I normally go to therapy with H - we've just started going actually. But I think a lot of things are related and if I can get a grip on this stuff it will help me a lot in my other relationships as well.
I'm a very confident seeming, outgoing personality, but I definitely carry around feelings of not feeling very important. It has struck in friendships and occasionally in my marriage, but because I come across as confident and happy, people don't realize I am hurt.
I don't have time to read through all the responses right now so I'm sorry if this is a repeat.
I think it's shitty if your mom chose her partner over you when you were a child, but I don't really fault her now. You're an adult with your own life and you live in another country. Ultimately, it would be nice if she was with a partner who was supportive of being a part of your life, but realistically she's with her partner most days of the year and with you very few. If she was to choose you over her partner at this point in the game, she'd be sacrificing a lot of her day to day happiness for something that won't be her daily life anyway (spending time with you).
If that doesn't make sense - that's how I try to look at it when I live away from my own family. If I move by them, I'll see them more, but realistically I need to live somewhere and work at a job that makes me happy all those other days. If I would spend (for example) 4 days a month seeing my family, that would be awesome - but I need to make sure that the other 26 days of the month are spent doing the right things too. As adults - without the responsibility of actively parenting a child - we do need to make choices for our daily lives that are going to maximize our day to day happiness. It sounds like your mom is doing that in general and I don't think that says anything about her relationship with you or who she loves more. She's just being realistic.
That said, I think her partner sucks about this Vegas thing and I'm surprised your mom can't put her foot down on that.
It sounds like your mother needs to sift over some issues with her partner before you get into the mix. Your mom needs to stand up to her partner and tell her that you are her daughter, she needs to learn to accept that. I couldn't be with anyone who didn't respect my relationship with my own children......but that's just me.
I don't have time to read through all the responses right now so I'm sorry if this is a repeat.
I think it's shitty if your mom chose her partner over you when you were a child, but I don't really fault her now. You're an adult with your own life and you live in another country. Ultimately, it would be nice if she was with a partner who was supportive of being a part of your life, but realistically she's with her partner most days of the year and with you very few. If she was to choose you over her partner at this point in the game, she'd be sacrificing a lot of her day to day happiness for something that won't be her daily life anyway (spending time with you).
If that doesn't make sense - that's how I try to look at it when I live away from my own family. If I move by them, I'll see them more, but realistically I need to live somewhere and work at a job that makes me happy all those other days. If I would spend (for example) 4 days a month seeing my family, that would be awesome - but I need to make sure that the other 26 days of the month are spent doing the right things too. As adults - without the responsibility of actively parenting a child - we do need to make choices for our daily lives that are going to maximize our day to day happiness. It sounds like your mom is doing that in general and I don't think that says anything about her relationship with you or who she loves more. She's just being realistic.
That said, I think her partner sucks about this Vegas thing and I'm surprised your mom can't put her foot down on that.
That is pretty much exactly what I said to her in an email (bottom of page 2 if you wanted to see).
I think pretty much everyone agrees that she should put her foot down with her partner though.
Your mom and her partner are in a very messed up relationship. You can't change them just like they can't change you.
Don't go to Vegas and encourage your mom to visit you every chance she gets. Like PP's said, she has been visiting you an average of every 4 months and she lives in Europe--that's an impressive number!
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
This is slightly off topic - what is the deal with the pantomime?
The pantomime is an annual event in their (very small) village. Partner is involved in the writing and both act in it. Partner normally has a major role and Mom normally has a minor role. It's for charity and they take it very seriously. In my opinion they take it insanely seriously. They feel like they are letting everyone down if for some reason they can't go. It became an issue when my Nan was dying. I get that this sounds awful, but my Mom went back and forth to London a million times to see Nan when she was sick and did all of her bills and paperwork. She is not unfeeling, she is just obsessed with the fucking pantomime and how important their presence is to it, and how much they can contribute to their charities.
I was originally told that the reason she could not stay on in the States for a visit after their trip was because she might be able to have surgery on her hand in January (NHS waiting list). Then she called me and said that the pantomime was having organization issues (there's always some drama) and she might be able to stay on after all. Which made it sound like the real reason she couldn't stay on was not the hand, it was the panto. Which I take issue to rightly or wrongly.
It's one thing to come second to a spouse - quite another to come second to a pantomime.
Post by yourmother on Nov 13, 2013 20:53:28 GMT -5
Who paid for your boarding school?
Do you think you'll ever have a more direct conversation with her and tell her to cut the crap and point out that the woe is me attitude is tired?
I would be ragey in your shoes. Actually, I have a similar story and have dealt with abandonment feelings by one of my parents. I'm not a parent yet, but I just can't see how any human being could choose a partner over their own child. You're only asking to visit with her for a few days while she's in the US.
This post is one of the more sad posts I've read in a while.
You deserve so much more and now that you are a mother, how can you wrap your mind around the path she has chosen? Your mother doesn't deserve to have your compassion.
This is slightly off topic - what is the deal with the pantomime?
It's one thing to come second to a spouse - quite another to come second to a pantomime.
omg you poor thing. It keeps just getting worse and worse. I don't understand how your reaction to this is "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree." I would have been beyond fed up with this BS long before now.
Do you think you'll ever have a more direct conversation with her and tell her to cut the crap and point out that the woe is me attitude is tired?
I would be ragey in your shoes. Actually, I have a similar story and have dealt with abandonment feelings by one of my parents. I'm not a parent yet, but I just can't see how any human being could choose a partner over their own child. You're only asking to visit with her for a few days while she's in the US.
This post is one of the more sad posts I've read in a while.
You deserve so much more and now that you are a mother, how can you wrap your mind around the path she has chosen? Your mother doesn't deserve to have your compassion.
Off topic. Are you an MLer's mom? What's up with your SN?
I'm not anyone's mom. I'm not very creative and somehow yourmother made sense at the time I created the account. Lol!
So what is you are in fact spoiled, a brat and wrapped around your mothers finger?!? You aren't demanding your mother pay to support your adult life. You aren't acting like you are an entitled brat who must have Mommy 24/7.
You are a daughter who has become a mother who wants to spend time with her mother while she is on the same contingent as her. None of this is bizarre or over the norm of human nature. I can only put myself in your shoes and if my mother was in my State and couldn't spare a few days out of a months long trip to see me and my child I'd be hurt, angry, confused and livid.
I think you have self esteem issues and individual counseling would do you a world of good. Your mother is to blame here, her SO has issues but ultimately it's your mother who is allowing this. You are allowing your mother to put you in the back burner so the roles you are all playing are holding true.
YES, this will start to affect your child. How confusing to see grandma when her SO 'allows it' but not when grandma has to put in effort. Your mother is showing you, your child and your H that when it's easy on her she will see you but if it's a problem she'd rather you and yours deal with it. How do you not see this?!?