i need help.

[twerp]

i am a sometimes poster. this is obviously an ae.  i am in a situation that i never imagined that i'd be in.

i am currently undergoing a divorce. the end is somewhat near in sight. i have been dating for a few months now (my ex and i have been officially separated for a little under a year). at first dating was very casual. right now i am with someone whom i enjoy very much. we have been seeing each other for a few months (maybe 3?).

i recently found out that i am pregnant. about eight weeks along. bf is absolutely thrilled.

i spoke with my lawyer about it.  the divorce will be priority #1, and will be moved as quickly as we can.

i just...i feel so ambivalent right now. i didn't ever expect myself to be in this position.

i want to be excited to be pregnant.  but i just can't shake the awful, horrific timing of the situation. it's making it very hard for me to feel that excitement. i've always wanted to be a mom, and that's something that contributed to the failure of my marriage (my ex was never going to "be ready" to have kids, and at one point during a pregnancy scare, was furious at me because i would not want to have an abortion. it was an awful, awful fight.). 

so now i'm here. and i feel almost like i'm living a lie. i haven't told anyone, really.  my mom knows, and she's thrilled. i just really don't know what to do at this point.  i feel very alone.

[twerp]

i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish here, with the ae and all. i just really don't know what to do. i don't know how to proceed. i feel like with the timing that no one would be excited for me. i feel like i can't tell certain people. i just really don't know anything at all.

[8675309]

When will the divorce be finalized? Sure this was unexpected but I'd keep it on the DL until you guys finish up the settlement. Some people don't announce pregnancies until their 12th week anyway.

And congratulations!

[Deleted]

There is a poster on MM who was in a very similar (if not identical) situation. Someone page her.

[twerp]

we're shooting for the end of this year, but it's seeming unlikely. i'm praying that it will be over by the end of january.

i am just so overwhelmed with everything, i think. it all just kind of fell on me. and i feel like i have no support. i lost almost all of my friends in the divorce.

[curtains]

((((Hugs))))). This will be ok. It will take time and be difficult at first but it will be ok and you will be a great mom.

**congrats and stay strong. You got this

[cleo29]

Nov 12, 2013 20:41:21 GMT -5 twerp said:

we're shooting for the end of this year, but it's seeming unlikely. i'm praying that it will be over by the end of january.

i am just so overwhelmed with everything, i think. it all just kind of fell on me. and i feel like i have no support. i lost almost all of my friends in the divorce.

This makes me so sad and I am sorry that you had such shitty friends.

If you weren't pregnant, how do you think you would feel about your future with this guy?

And, pregnancy can be a mind fuck, even if the timing is perfect. Hang in there!

[hopecounts]

1) its not unusual to be ambivalent in the early stages of pregnancy. its hard for it to be real when in a good way when all its doing is making you sick and tired so don't worry about that.
2) feeling overwhelmed give. the timing also seems really normal. I'm going to throw the standard therapy doesn't hurt and could help recommendation out there, Having a safe and impartial place to talk this out would be a really good idea.

[twerp]

Nov 12, 2013 20:44:35 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Can you get a divorce while pregnant? I know it depends on the state.

I think it's normal to have mixed feelings. Is it the timing? Did you wand kids? Ever?

i can in my state.


i think it's a lot of factors.

the timing is awful. i feel like i have no chance to breathe. i'm still knee deep in divorce.

i do want kids. and i wanted kids at about the age i am.

i don't know how to tell my ex. i'm planning on waiting until after things are final. but, even with all the shit we've been through, we've remained largely amicable. and i feel like this will crush him. and that is oddly upsetting me now. can i blame this on hormones?  

i also think that some of this has to do with that when you marry someone, you sort of expect to start a family with them. and that didn't happen here, obviously. and he was not the right person for me, obviously. but i'm still very sad about that. even though i'm the one who initiated the divorce.

[twerp]

as for my bf (should i call him babydaddy? haha). i really enjoy him. i think that this pregnancy has kind of mind-fucked me in the sense that now i'm looking very critically at him, and it's forced us to speed a lot of things up. before this happened, we both knew that what we have together is something special. now, either due to hormones or whatever critical thinking i'm doing, he's pissing me off a lot. lol. but i still care for him very deeply. and i know that he will be an amazing partner in parenting, whether we work out or not in the long run.

[LeggsBenedict]

I'm sorry that's a hard situation to be in and I would like to hug you.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I didn't have the same experience as you but I will share my story only because I hope you can find some comfort in it. My sister passed away several years ago. I had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other for weeks and really didn't know how I was going to move on. I found out I was pregnant about two months after she died. My sadness over my sister didn't go away overnight, but knowing that I had this little person growing inside me helped me know that the future would be better.

I know it's not at all the same situation but I shared it because I hope it can help you see that even though you are struggling now, next year you'll have a new little person in your life who will help you look forward instead of back.

[twerp]

Nov 12, 2013 20:52:21 GMT -5 @melissainabq said:

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I didn't have the same experience as you but I will share my story only because I hope you can find some comfort in it. My sister passed away several years ago. I had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other for weeks and really didn't know how I was going to move on. I found out I was pregnant. My sadness over my sister didn't go away overnight, but knowing that I had this little person growing inside me helped me know that the future would be better.

I know it's not at all the same situation but I shared it because I hope it can help you see that even though you are struggling now, next year you'll have a new little person in your life who will help you look forward instead of back.

thank you. seriously. i am bawling.

[LeggsBenedict]

oh, and congratulations

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 20:53:11 GMT -5 twerp said:

Nov 12, 2013 20:52:21 GMT -5 @melissainabq said:

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I didn't have the same experience as you but I will share my story only because I hope you can find some comfort in it. My sister passed away several years ago. I had a hard time putting one foot in front of the other for weeks and really didn't know how I was going to move on. I found out I was pregnant. My sadness over my sister didn't go away overnight, but knowing that I had this little person growing inside me helped me know that the future would be better.

I know it's not at all the same situation but I shared it because I hope it can help you see that even though you are struggling now, next year you'll have a new little person in your life who will help you look forward instead of back.

thank you. seriously. i am bawling.

Oh my goodness. That wasn't my intent. I'm so sorry I made you cry when you were already emotional. That breaks my heart that I did that. 

[twerp]

i think what's really fucking with me is that my ex and i have a lot of interaction still. a lot.
the transfer of the house is not complete, so he is here sometimes. we still have some shared finances. nothing is completely separated yet.

and i feel like i'm living a lie. and that's not like me.

there's times that i want to be myself and be happy and excited and i have to tuck those feelings inside.

like, i saw the heartbeat today for the first time, you guys. i saw my baby for the first time. and i had to come home and there he was. and i had to pretend like that never even happened. and just be silent about it.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 20:56:18 GMT -5 twerp said:

i think what's really fucking with me is that my ex and i have a lot of interaction still. a lot.
the transfer of the house is not complete, so he is here sometimes. we still have some shared finances. nothing is completely separated yet.

and i feel like i'm living a lie. and that's not like me.

there's times that i want to be myself and be happy and excited and i have to tuck those feelings inside.

like, i saw the heartbeat today for the first time, you guys. i saw my baby for the first time. and i had to come home and there he was. and i had to pretend like that never even happened. and just be silent about it.

Oh honey. That had to be so hard. I'm so sad you couldn't be as joyous as you deserve to be. That's an exciting moment. 

Can BF go to some of the appointments with you while things are so in flux with your ex? Then you can enjoy the moment and the experience? 

And from a mom to a soon-to-be mom, CONGRATS!

[kalil]

I just wanted to say congratulations and hugs. I'm glad your bf and mom are thrilled. I'd try not to worry about other people. Fuck them. You'll meet new friends, people you don't expect to be there for you will be. You'll get through this.

[lilafowler]

I hope everything works out the way you want it to. As others have said it is so normal to feel ambivalent, scared, freaked out... And combine that with your impending divorce, etc. can only be adding to your stress.

Hugs-we're always here to talk.

[snickers]

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Congrats though..

[cleo29]

Why is he at the house? Even if the transfer is not final yet. Does he let you know first?

[twerp]

Nov 12, 2013 21:04:24 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Why is he at the house? Even if the transfer is not final yet. Does he let you know first?

he doesn't always let me know first. he's been between places for a few months (at first staying with a friend, etc.), so sometimes he will come stay here.  i didn't mind so much before, because we've been largely amicable during the split, and i want good things for him and was okay with helping him out if he needed it.

clearly now things have to change.

[Deleted]

I think for your own sanity it's probably time to start making the changes you need to begin moving forward, even if the transfer isn't final yet. He may not like it but tough.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2013 20:42:43 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

Nov 12, 2013 20:40:45 GMT -5 @amoosed said:

There is a poster on MM who was in a very similar (if not identical) situation. Someone page her.

rikki ?

Yep- maybe she would have some insight or advice?

[cleo29]

Nov 12, 2013 21:08:26 GMT -5 twerp said:

Nov 12, 2013 21:04:24 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Why is he at the house? Even if the transfer is not final yet. Does he let you know first?

he doesn't always let me know first. he's been between places for a few months (at first staying with a friend, etc.), so sometimes he will come stay here.  i didn't mind so much before, because we've been largely amicable during the split, and i want good things for him and was okay with helping him out if he needed it.

clearly now things have to change.

yeah, I think the boundaries need to be more clear now. I'm sorry

And if not wanting children was one of the reasons for you two not working out, I hope he will not be hard on you when he finds out.