1am Musing (long, all over the place)

[TrickyBob]

I know, it's early - I need to get this off my chest.

I was clearing out my medicine cabinet of all my old opks and pregnancy tests from last cycle. Holding them up in groups, just to check the lines out. And one lone pregnancy test had an ever so faint line on it. It was a test that I thought had a line last cycle, but I was so...hopeful? that I chalked it up to my eyes seeing what they wanted to see. The faint line had appeared within the 5 minute time frame but I was knee deep in excitement over thinking that cycle worked but knew it didn't (because it never has) that I even told my husband "I see a line but I know it is me seeing what I want to see". The next day, another stark white test. I've never seen an evap line on a wondfo, I've never had one. Even the ones from the same pack, all stark white, except for this one.

When my period did come, it was 13 days long with hell like cramps, the kind that pretty much make you feel like you are (what I am assuming it would feel like, to a lesser extent) contracting in your back, passing clot after clot, and bleeding heavy for the entire duration. My "normal" periods top out at 4 to 7 days with 1 day of heavy bleeding. 

I am assuming I was never pregnant. I am assuming it was all one giant fluke with a crappy period. But I'd be lying if I didn't say there was a very small part of me wondering what actually happened and if there was even the slightest chance I was, to confirm that the possibility is even there for the future. 

And this is why you throw out pregnancy tests once the time is up. So you don't do this to yourself. 

I feel like I keep giving myself false hope or trying to explain everything away as some reason as to why it isn't happening. This last cycle fucked with my head so much. I went through so many emotions, so many symptoms, so many thoughts. My husband was SO freaking excited at hoping that this all meant something for us. And I feel like I let him down. I am sitting here, in tears, over something I'm sure never actually happened but wanted so bad that I cannot just let the last cycle go for what it was. 

And I'm so thankful I did come to this board because you are all so strong and wonderful but my God, I want to give you all giant hugs because these feelings and these kind of nights? They suck, they really really suck. 

[statlerwaldorf]

::hugs::

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry TrickyBob. Hugs.

[thoseareradishes]

I'm sorry TrickyBob. It is a really tough thing to deal with, the wide gulf that separates emotions that come with hope then disappointment then hope again. Hugs for you too. I'm glad you found us! It helps so much to have others to talk this stuff over with.

[discogranny]

When I had my second loss I actually thought "OMG, maybe I am actually fertile and have been having tons of chemical pregnancies!" even though I have done multiple rounds of non-IVF fertility treatment which ended in a zero beta and tested a ton over the first year and never even had so much as a squinter. I allowed myself to get excited that I was maybe constantly having miscarriages. Then I realized how ridiculous and non-plausible that was and hated on myself that much more.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier or that you stop second guessing yourself, but neither thing is true. Just know you aren't alone. Hugs to you.

[KaraOrNot]

Hugs.

[FastHands]

Nov 14, 2013 9:16:16 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

I'm sorry TrickyBob

Be kind to yourself, your H loves you and you have a whole board of non-invisible bitches who've got your back girl!

TTTC: Visibly Bitchy. *snort*

[G22]

Big hugs TrickyBob. It a freaking roller coaster ride and it sucks. The thing that helps make it suck less is the awesome support system here and in my H. We've all been crushed by hope many times, but its impossible to not hope. Its a continuous crappy cycle.

[FastHands]

Hugs, Tricky. It is a mindfuck, and while we all have our own personal version of this craptastic rollercoaster, it's provided me some comfort to know that we share a lot of the same emotions about it all... sometimes all of them within a span of 4 minutes.

[justwaiting]

*hugs* we are all here for you

[TrickyBob]

Thank you ladies so much. I know it sounds crappy, but I mean it in the best possible way, I am glad others know and understand. I think that is the hardest, finding people who get it beyond "it will happen when it is meant to happen." Sometimes I just want to be visibly bitchy (lol) or upset and not pretend to be all breezy.

[G22]

Nov 14, 2013 13:15:47 GMT -5 TrickyBob said:

Thank you ladies so much. I know it sounds crappy, but I mean it in the best possible way, I am glad others know and understand. I think that is the hardest, finding people who get it beyond "it will happen when it is meant to happen." Sometimes I just want to be visibly bitchy (lol) or upset and not pretend to be all breezy.

That's what we're here for. We've all been there. Bitch away when you need to