Am I being a total brat here?

[oliviapope]

So my MIL is very controlling/toxic/selfish and with our history I can't tell if I am being over dramatic or just setting boundaries for my family.

So my ILs live 700 miles away. They obviously want to come visit when baby #3 come (any day now). The ongoing standoff (for the last two months) is about MIL/FIL getting a flu shot.

So I asked my parents to update all vaccines (they only needed flu) and it was done no issue. My MIL/FIL are all "I never get the flu shot and I am not getting one for anyone else".

My concerns are:
-this is a flu season baby (other two were Spring/early summer)
-My SIL works as a nurse at a major downtown children's hospital-on the respiratory floor.
-My MIL is at my SILs house almost daily.
-My SILs kids (she does not vaccinate them for flu) get the flu every year.
-when baby #2 was born my pedi said to keep him away from other kids under 12 (minus siblings) for 2-3 weeks. My MIL/SIL ignored this and my six day old ended up with pink eye and needed antibiotics.
-two pedis in our practice, two OBs in my practice, and the CDC guidelines support my asking for a flu shot for household guests.


I said that is fine if MIL does not want to get a flu shot. She can either visit after flu season ends, or get a hotel and shorten her visit times so they are not household guests.

So am I off base and picking a fight with MIL or justified?

[mrssandro]

Has your MIL ever had the flu?

My DH is adamant about not getting the flu shot for himself. He has never had the flu (knocking hard on wood here) at least in the 10 years we have been together. I support his decision as long as he is healthy and could fight it if he got it.

I haven't got my flu shot this year and DD hasn't either because her pedi ran out of flu shots. I intend on doing it soon though.

[skib]

If she doesn't care enough about her grandchild's health to get a flu shot, she can stay home. Period. You're not being a brat.

My daughter was born this time of year, and I made everyone in our extended family get flu and pertussis vaccinations. They wouldn't have been allowed in our home had they not.

[vanillacourage]

I would use this as an excuse to have them shorten their visit AND stay in a hotel, because you they're probably the last thing you need to deal with when you're freshly home with a newborn.

[strawberriquen]

I agree with you. B was born in January and I asked all grandparents to make sure they had both pertussis and flu shots months before the baby came. They all complied. If they hadn't, I would not have let them hold B until after his 2 month shots.

[ilikedonuts]

Anyone that is regularly around my newborn got a flu shot and the pertussis vaccine. I don't care if they didn't like doing it. My mom threw a hissy fit, but did it.

[gogadgetgo]

I had this fight with my parents last year. Ds1 has asthma and I was pregnant and terrified of getting the flu. They hadn't gotten their shots and we're die for a visit for the holidays (a delayed Christmas). I had to ask them to delay their trip until 2 weeks after they got the shots so the vaccine would be fully operational. My mom works in a public setting around kids and they were flying so lots of chances for exposure.

I think you are justified in your requests. Good luck. I hate the fight that happens when you're trying to do the best for your kids.

[Deleted]

Team you. "That's too bad, MIL. We are only allowing guests with the flu shot to stay in our home and hold the baby this flu season." Repeat as needed. Hold your ground. This is important.

[brooklyn]

You're definitely not being a brat.

[crazycakes]

DD was a preemie so I have been adamant about vaccinations. It's just a Damn shot. If she doesn't want to do it, tough cookies. I would say no. Not a brat.

[yellowbrkrd]

You are not being a brat. I asked everyone that spends a lot of time with M to get theirs and everyone did. If they hadn't I would have no problem limiting their time with my child.

[livinitup]

You asked, they said no. There really isn't anything more to be dramatic about. "Okay, it's your choice to get the flu shot or not. See you after flu season."

It doesn't really matter about their reasons vs. your reasons. You're the mom. You get to decide.

[oliviapope]

Thanks for the support. I thought I was being logical, but admittedly I am not always with her due to past issues. My husband is on board with me.

She just really made me mad today with the comment about "are you going to actually check my shot records? How will you know?" I don't do lying so I am pretty much about to cancel their visit right now I am so angry.

She did get the flu two years ago, but she is more against the vaccine I guess. Also, she gets sick easily and will never come help me out if my husband is traveling/my kids are sick "because she may catch it".

I think she is just doing this for a power struggle and I am not going there.

[Deleted]

Anyone that wants to be around my baby that is not old to be vaccinated himself/herself must get a flu shot and pertussis shot. If they don't want to, that's fine, I can't force them, but they will not be spending time with the baby. It is a nonnegotiable for me.

[kanga]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.  I think it shows that you are flexible by asking them simply to stay in a hotel.  And really, especially with a new baby,  you really shouldn't have to be forced into accommodating house guests if that's not your preference.

[mrssandro]

If she had had the flu in the past then she needs to get over it and get the damn shot.

I do recall that all the grandparents got the flu shot (as did I) before DD came.

Not being a brat at all.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2013 9:22:40 GMT -5 oliviapope said:

Thanks for the support. I thought I was being logical, but admittedly I am not always with her due to past issues. My husband is on board with me.

She just really made me mad today with the comment about "are you going to actually check my shot records? How will you know?" I don't do lying so I am pretty much about to cancel their visit right now I am so angry.

She did get the flu two years ago, but she is more against the vaccine I guess. Also, she gets sick easily and will never come help me out if my husband is traveling/my kids are sick "because she may catch it".

I think she is just doing this for a power struggle and I am not going there.

Uh, the fact that she made the check her records comment would be enough for me not to trust her and to just say, see you after flu season. That is ridiculous!

[pugz]

Cancel the visit. She doesn't deserve baby snuggled

[mrsfarmer]

Influenza-A is rampant where I live right now. Everyone without a shot is out easily 2-7 days from work and the clinic is barring them from going to work. The body aches they are getting are terrible and one coworker had to get an inhaler in order to even breathe. I absolutely tell them to stay away.

A lot of these people do not get the flu other years.

[redheadk]

Nov 27, 2013 10:05:51 GMT -5 pugz said:

Cancel the visit. She doesn't deserve baby snuggled

This. The lying, selfish bitch can stay home.

[megs193]

You are not being unreasonable. We insisted that both sets of parents and our siblings get a flu shot if they wanted to spend time with our kids around the flu season. The baby can't get the vaccine so it is up to everyone else to protect him/her. Once your kids are old enough to get the vaccine themselves then it is a different story.

My 5 month old got the flu last year even though we were all vaccinated (except for him obviously). It was a terrifying week and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Stand your ground.

[littlemermaid]

It's either get a flu shot or don't come at all. Having her get a hotel room shouldn't even be an option because then she's just being exposed to even more people every time she leaves your house to go stay in the hotel.

Remember it's your home and your baby. If they don't want to play by your rules then they can just stay home.

[WhatYouSee]

You're certainly not the one being a brat!

[barefootcontessa]

Nov 27, 2013 9:22:40 GMT -5 oliviapope said:

Thanks for the support. I thought I was being logical, but admittedly I am not always with her due to past issues. My husband is on board with me.

She just really made me mad today with the comment about "are you going to actually check my shot records? How will you know?" I don't do lying so I am pretty much about to cancel their visit right now I am so angry.

She did get the flu two years ago, but she is more against the vaccine I guess. Also, she gets sick easily and will never come help me out if my husband is traveling/my kids are sick "because she may catch it".

I think she is just doing this for a power struggle and I am not going there.

it sounds like she has no legitimate reason for not getting the flu shot.  she just does not want to do it?  I agree with you but I would have your husband handle it and ask him to be sure that he emphasizes this is a family decision, not just you, and that it is her choice not to get the vaccination.  

as encouragement:  at least they live far away!  

[Deleted]

You should tell her that she needs to get the pertussis shot too. When that sends her over the edge, tell her you'll see them in April or May.

[oliviapope]

Nov 27, 2013 10:17:21 GMT -5 megs193 said:

You are not being unreasonable. We insisted that both sets of parents and our siblings get a flu shot if they wanted to spend time with our kids around the flu season. The baby can't get the vaccine so it is up to everyone else to protect him/her. Once your kids are old enough to get the vaccine themselves then it is a different story.

My 5 month old got the flu last year even though we were all vaccinated (except for him obviously). It was a terrifying week and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Stand your ground.

This is the thing. I know this, my SIL knows this, SHE KNOWS THIS!  I am a nurse and worked pedi ICU for several years and have seen babies die from the flu.  I know logically I am not being un-reasonable, but I am biased against her and do not want to be engaging in a power struggle.  This is also the same woman who when my oldest was a baby I requested no perfumes etc (if she was just coming from her house to ours) because he had super sensitive skin.  She ignored me (shocker) and he ended up with a huge rash each time.  It happened twice and we were done.  It is just that EVERYTHING is like this with her. She can't just follow our wishes/rules so everything ends up with an "us vs. them" mentality. 

We have tried a ton of things to work it out, and it isn't an issue in our marriage (thanks to early therapy).  We even tried therapy with my ILs and at the end the therapist was like "yeah, moving might be a great solution for you.  There is something to be said about space". 
Ugh, the woman is a mess!  The thing is that she would do anything my SIL (her daughter) would request-so I am just beyond annoyed and will definitely stand my ground.

I just wanted to make sure I was coming from a logical and sensible place and not my general annoyance with her inability to support any of our decisions.

[oliviapope]

Nov 27, 2013 10:26:14 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

Nov 27, 2013 9:22:40 GMT -5 oliviapope said:

Thanks for the support. I thought I was being logical, but admittedly I am not always with her due to past issues. My husband is on board with me.

She just really made me mad today with the comment about "are you going to actually check my shot records? How will you know?" I don't do lying so I am pretty much about to cancel their visit right now I am so angry.

She did get the flu two years ago, but she is more against the vaccine I guess. Also, she gets sick easily and will never come help me out if my husband is traveling/my kids are sick "because she may catch it".

I think she is just doing this for a power struggle and I am not going there.

it sounds like she has no legitimate reason for not getting the flu shot.  she just does not want to do it?  I agree with you but I would have your husband handle it and ask him to be sure that he emphasizes this is a family decision, not just you, and that it is her choice not to get the vaccination.  

as encouragement:  at least they live far away!  

Exactly this. She just does not want to.  She "just doesn't get the flu shot for anyone"

My husband has been handling it.  For now he has said our position.  When the baby gets here (next tues if he doesn't come before) and they want to actually schedule the visit he will restate with the two week limit due to the efficacy of the shot.  We are to the point of "this is what we say, take it or leave it". 

[oliviapope]

Nov 27, 2013 10:28:03 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

You should tell her that she needs to get the pertussis shot too. When that sends her over the edge, tell her you'll see them in April or May.

Oh I did "require" this shot as well.  She says she thinks she had that one, but I highly doubt it.  I just don't see the big deal, I mean everyone else has been all "of course we will!"

[kangaroo11]

I made my immediate family gets vaccinated last year. Even my brother who doesn't believe in vaccines and my mom who hates shots. But a cousin of mine "doesn't get vaccinated" even though she's a kids music teacher, so guess who didn't get to hold the baby...

[sookie]

I don't think you're being crazy. Your child, your choice who gets to be around them. Their body, their choice on what to put in it. They know the deal, so it's up to them. Do you think she'd lie to you and tell you she got it and didn't?