If you were going to adopt a baby, would you want it

[hisno1girl]

to be an open adoption (contact with the birth parents) or a closed adoption (no contact with the birth parents at all)

Open
Closed
Unsure

[lulu13]

It would be so hard for me to have an open adoption because I am such a private person so I am voting closed.

[Deleted]

Open. I am not good with secrets.

[alicenelson]

I voted closed. I was adopted out of California where the records are sealed up tighter than Fort Knox. I'm kind of okay with that. IMO, it strengthens the bond with the adoptive parents.

[mudslide]

I'm pretty sure I'd want closed. I don't think I'd be comfortable at all with open.

[Deleted]

I think closed but have no idea.

I am okay with visualizing telling the child they are adopted from the beginning. No secrecy about that.

But I am not sure I can handle the unknowns of open adoption.

[shoeless]

I'm soo very torn on this, my family is predominantly adopted (all open) and I have seen the good and the bad. I'd like to believe I'd choose open.

[Jermys]

Open adoption is the best ever!! Even when it's hard, it's better. And statistically, it's better for the kid, so we were going to do it anyway, but it's been better than my wildest dreams. One of my best friends has openness that trumps mine even...her second son's grandma babysits! I'm so jealous of that!

[WOT?*]

We are going to have an open adoption with the girls because we don't really have a choice...their mom is my daughter, so it's open adoption or cut my daughter off and move with no forward address or phone number.

Their older brother was adopted at birth in an open adoption, as was his older sister. I've talked with his parents about it and they're wholeheartedly in agreement that open adoption has been very positive for both the kids. They can have their questions answered, they know other family members so there is less question about "who am I?" the kids are able to have regulated (supervised when necessary) relationships with their biological family as long as conditions set by the adoptive parents are met. Both kids have great relationships with their bio-parents and even siblings (his sister's mom married bio-dad later and they have a child together, GS and the girls talk and Skype fairly regularly). I'm just more of a fan of open adoption rather than closed when the situation warrants.

OTOH, a closed adoption would be more beneficial when there are strings or damages or questions that shouldn't be raised. GD1's father is incarcerated for burglary to support a drug and alcohol problem. There are also other charges (including some very serious sex charges as in "but she said she was 18 so how could I know?") that GD1 should have no knowledge of. GD2's father is an alcoholic who was homeless as well. Not someone we'd want her to have a relationship with.

But...those two parents don't meet the criteria to "maintain direct contact" so it wouldn't matter with an open adoption. And the adoptive parents set the parameters for any open adoption. It can be direct contact, letters, photos or no contact if criteria isn't met. So as long as I am able to set all parameters, I would say the best choice is an open adoption.

[WOT?*]

I would like to "LIKE" Jermys's post over and over and over again.

[Jermys]

I also have a brother out there somewhere, so openness is important to me on a whole other level. It is very wrong to deny someone access to their history, roots, ethnicity, siblings, medical history, etc.

[goaskalice]

If we end up going the adoption route I know I'd want open and my wife would rather it be closed. We'll have to work that out before we start the process for sure. Maybe I'll just make her talk to you Jermys!

[steph196]

We adopted a baby in California, and it is an open adoption. We see her birthmother every couple months and are in constant contact. Open adoption is on the rise these days, because it is what is best for all members in the triad. The birth parents are able to see that their baby is being well cared for, the adoptee feels more secure in his/her relationship with adoptive parents and has fewer questions because their adoption hasn't been secretive, and the adoptive parents are able to gain important medical history to help their child.
I can't imagine having a closed adoption. As the adoptive mother, I have never felt threatened by her birthmother or felt like I am sharing her with anyone.

[AmeliaBedelia]

Closed. I was adopted, it was a closed adoption, and I am so thrilled that it's closed. I have no interest in knowing my biological parents and I don't feel any disconnect from my parents (adoptive). The fact that I was adopted was never a secret, which is great, but as far as I'm concerned by adoptive family is my family and that's it for me. Coming from this background, I don't think I could ever opt for an open adoption.

[kcr1972]

Yes Nic they can.

[steph196]

Dec 1, 2013 2:05:47 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

I think a closed adoption that opens on the child's 18th birthday. Can people arrange it that way?

There is a form that the birth parent can sign to give the child access to the original birth certificate.

[kirra]

If I understand correctly, there are many types of open adoption, with some having quite a bit of contact and some having very little.

Unless contact with the parents would be a potentially damaging thing (like a drug addict not in recovery) I think that I would want an open adoption, but one with a limited relationship (perhaps photos or letters) until the child was old enough to decide for himself or herself how much contact he or she wanted.

One of the motivating factors for me would be the possibility of getting an updated medical history. My family history includes a rare genetic disease that wasn't diagnosed until this year. So even if an accurate medical history were given when I was a child, it wouldn't include that information because we didn't know then. I strongly believe that you don't have to have a medical history, and that good doctors can work around not having one, but when it comes to genetic disorders, it makes everything so much easier. But at the same time, I know my family, and they have refused to give an accurate medical history, and I've gotten the care I needed anyway. It isn't as important as a lot of people think it is.

But my perspective is skewed. Even though I technically know my family, there are a lot of unanswered questions, and always will be. I dealt with it by getting into genealogy and seeing from the outside what I'll never see from the inside.

I think questions are inevitable. I would want my child to have the opportunity to look for answers as an adult if possible. I think the odds of that are higher with an open adoption. But I don't know that I would want that for a young child.

[circa1978]

Closed, I think? My cousin and lifelong BFF was adopted and @ameliabedelia pretty much took the words out of her mouth.

[sarahswim]

Nov 30, 2013 23:46:21 GMT -5 alicenelson said:

I voted closed. I was adopted out of California where the records are sealed up tighter than Fort Knox. I'm kind of okay with that. IMO, it strengthens the bond with the adoptive parents.

This is me, except in New York.  I have no desire to find out anything about my birth parents, and I think it would really hurt my "adoptive" parents to go looking.  (I put adoptive in quotes because I don't know if I have ever used that term to describe them-they are my parents, end of story).  

[CheshireGrin]

Open. I feel like that type of transparency would be best for the child, and for the family unit as a whole.

Plus I know so many people who knew they were adopted, and have spent their adult lives searching for their biological family. I don't think anyone should have to do deal with those types of questions.

[cinnamoncox]

Dec 1, 2013 8:58:13 GMT -5 sarahswim said:

Nov 30, 2013 23:46:21 GMT -5 alicenelson said:

I voted closed. I was adopted out of California where the records are sealed up tighter than Fort Knox. I'm kind of okay with that. IMO, it strengthens the bond with the adoptive parents.

This is me, except in New York.  I have no desire to find out anything about my birth parents, and I think it would really hurt my "adoptive" parents to go looking.  (I put adoptive in quotes because I don't know if I have ever used that term to describe them-they are my parents, end of story).  

This is how I personally feel about it.
I can see both sides of course, but I think I would prefer closed.
However, if I didn't have kids already and was adopting and was told, for instance, closed id have to wait yrs, open would be months, I may reconsider.
But I'd way prefer closed.

I don't mean to never tell the child (I'd have to give that lots of thought as to when is the best time to tell).

My mil found out in her mid to late forties that se was adopted. And went from an only child to having five full blooded sisters.
I think that's a bit late to find out but I can understand her moms position (adoptive mom, but if anyone refers to her as her adoptive mom and not just mom she gets extremely prickly. That woman is her mother. The woman who gave birth to her is called by her first name only and is bio mom, never mother. Unless you want mil's wrath. I totally get it.)

[hopecounts]

I voted open, in general its better for the baby (exceptions exist as this thread shows) if the birth parents are in a good place (no drugs/abuse/etc) which most are.
Also if everyone is on the same page in terms of expectations for contact and involvment a kid can never have too many people loving and supporting them emotionally.

I actually really wish we had an open donation so DD could onow her donor but it was just too expensive.

[Captain Serious]

Most people starting out usually tend to want closed, until they learn more about how open adoptions work, the limits they can include, and the benefits for the children.

One (of many) reasons we liked international adoption for our family was the likelihood that the adoptions would be closed. Since then, we have conducted searches to find M's first mother and the policemen who found J. We are also in contact with their caregivers at the orphanage and some of the children they lived with who were also adopted. Continuity is so important in their lives, so they don't feel as though everything that happened before they came to love with us just doesn't matter.

[Deleted]

I could go either way, but I lean more towards open adoption. We plan on adopting in the future.

[snickers]

I *think* I would want it closed.

[Captain Serious]

I see a lot of posts Herr from adults who were adopted as babies saying that they would have a closed adoption like theirs was. It makes sense that if their life worked out well, they feel secure in that style of adoption. It's important to acknowledge, though, that the way are processed, and the options available to pregnant women in crisis, are vastly different than a generation ago. More women are now able to choose to make an adoption plan out love than out of fear or lack of choice, and that love can be a a wonderful and powerful thing to have in the child's life.

[messykitchen]

I am adopted through a closed adoption and it has been horrible, not knowing who I came from, having no medical information, knowing neither set of parents thought I was important enough to know my history or family. I have ALWAYS felt totally abandoned. And I am almost 40.

Then, I gave up a daughter in an open adoption and it has been the most wonderful thing ever, for all of us.

I personally feel closed adoptions are selfish, based on my own hell with one, and the others I know who were adopted closed. It's just not fair to the kids to rip away their identity.

Obviously this doesn't cover every scenario, and I don't really want to get into a debate about my personal experiences

[Deleted]

I accidentally hit closed, but I meant to vote open. In reality it would depend on the birth parents, there lifestyle, preferences & abilities. That situation @jermys described with the birth grandma babysitting is fucking awesome, so much love in that kids life.

[messykitchen]

Dec 1, 2013 9:50:27 GMT -5 @stpete said:

Dec 1, 2013 9:40:45 GMT -5 messykitchen said:

I am adopted through a closed adoption and it has been horrible, not knowing who I came from, having no medical information, knowing neither set of parents thought I was important enough to know my history or family. I have ALWAYS felt totally abandoned. And I am almost 40.

Then, I gave up a daughter in an open adoption and it has been the most wonderful thing ever, for all of us.

I personally feel closed adoptions are selfish, based on my own hell with one, and the others I know who were adopted closed. It's just not fair to the kids to rip away their identity.

Obviously this doesn't cover every scenario, and I don't really want to get into a debate about my personal experiences

I'm not debating your feelings at all. But personally I never felt like my genetic history was my identity. And having been a birth mother I can't believe the addition had anything to do with my importance, it was only about what my birth parents were capable of, and raising me wasn't it.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using proboards

I get that, and not everyone feels as I do of course. However, I am severely bipolar, and have many genetic issues that knowing information about could of helped, and also could have helped my children now. I have just never been able to not think that if somehow I knew, my life would of been easier for me to navigate. Sometimes it feels that being bipolar is my ONLY identity. I was also adopted into an abusive family, which certainly colors my opinions. I would kill to find information on my birth family, but at this point I just have to accept that will never happen and be happy I am here at all :-)

[WOT?*]

messykitchen - huge, huge HUGE hugs.