Another adoption question. If you placed a baby for adoption

[hisno1girl]

would you want it open or closed?

Open - I'd want to see the child's family and share in the child's life
Closed  - I wouldn't want to know about the child or be involved
Not Sure

[wambam]

Same answer as before: closed, because otherwise it would feel not final or permanent.

[Deleted]

I don't know.

[hopecounts]

I picked open, but by that I mean pics/letters/an occasional visit (maybe every year or two) not comstant involvment or contact just enought o know what's happening in the kid's life and for them to know I'm there if they have questions.
If the kid pursued more contact later I'd accomodate within reason in terms of travel costs, etc if the parents were ok with it.

[Deleted]

I probably wouldn't want to live near the child but open.

[winnied]

I said open. I'd just like to see that they're happy and healthy.

[EmilieMadison]

I think I'd want a closed adoption, but would provide details about family history, medical history, ancestry/family origin, and possibly something about why I felt like adoption was the right choice etc.

sent from: I'm on my phone, don't expect much.

[hopecounts]

Dec 1, 2013 17:28:25 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

I think I'd want a closed adoption, but would provide details about family history, medical history, ancestry/family origin, and possibly something about why I felt like adoption was the right choice etc.

sent from: I'm on my phone, don't expect much.

Technically that would be a semi-open arrangement where you share non-identifying info. :-)

[overture]

Open. I wouldn't want any regular involvement, but I don't think I would ever be at peace not knowing if he/she was safe and cared for.

[wambam]

Dec 1, 2013 17:01:43 GMT -5 frkls said:

i think open. i think giving up your child so that they can have a better life doesn't really change the way you love them or make you less deserving of being a significant part in your baby's life. i think i would want to continue to maintain some sort of relationship.

we had a woman at our last church who gave up her baby to her best friend. so far, the daughter doesn't know (She's a teen) but she is super tight with her birth mom. it's a weird secret open adoption, i guess. LOL!

That's...interesting. Why aren't they telling her? Will they ever tell her?

[kirra]

Emotionally, closed.
Logically, I think it would be a selfish move to be completely closed when we know that there are genetic issues and we don't have all of them figured out yet.

It is something I've thought about, because I can't raise a child. But we now know (found out within the last year) that I'm high risk enough that if I ever got pregnant, I would terminate, and my H would support that decision.

[Jermys]

Open. I couldn't just walk away and not know how my baby was growing up. The level of openness would depend on my child's parents, but I would want something.

[EmilieMadison]

Dec 1, 2013 17:31:28 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Dec 1, 2013 17:28:25 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

I think I'd want a closed adoption, but would provide details about family history, medical history, ancestry/family origin, and possibly something about why I felt like adoption was the right choice etc.

sent from: I'm on my phone, don't expect much.

Technically that would be a semi-open arrangement where you share non-identifying info. :-)

Oh, for some reason I thought that semi-open implied that there was some sort of ongoing communication. I would just want to include this in the initial file but no contact or communication of any sort. 

[hopecounts]

Dec 1, 2013 19:39:15 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Dec 1, 2013 17:31:28 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Technically that would be a semi-open arrangement where you share non-identifying info. :-)

Oh, for some reason I thought that semi-open implied that there was some sort of ongoing communication. I would just want to include this in the initial file but no contact or communication of any sort. 

It can include ongoing non-identifying ci tact through anonymous letters passed through a 3rd party but it basically means the exchange of any info beyond the basics of age and race, location of birth, etc.
So health and family background would fall in that range.

[snickers]

I'm not sure, that would be really hard either way.

[Deleted]

I would want a certain amount of openness, maybe emails & letters. I don't think I could visit.

[EmilieMadison]

Dec 1, 2013 20:03:21 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Dec 1, 2013 19:39:15 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Oh, for some reason I thought that semi-open implied that there was some sort of ongoing communication. I would just want to include this in the initial file but no contact or communication of any sort. 

It can include ongoing non-identifying ci tact through anonymous letters passed through a 3rd party but it basically means the exchange of any info beyond the basics of age and race, location of birth, etc.
So health and family background would fall in that range.

So I guess my answer is that I'd want no contact or communication, ongoing or otherwise, with or from the child/family, and I would provide medical and family background info at the time of the adoption. If that's semi-open (seems pretty closed to me?) then that's what I would choose. 

[missmaddie]

Dec 1, 2013 17:01:43 GMT -5 frkls said:

we had a woman at our last church who gave up her baby to her best friend. so far, the daughter doesn't know (She's a teen) but she is super tight with her birth mom. it's a weird secret open adoption, i guess. LOL!

This sounds like a pretty nasty situation just waiting to happen, especially if so many others know - one slip of the tongue from a neighbour, member of the congregation, etc. - yikes!

[pixelpassion]

I think it depends upon some things. If I placed a child for adoption, I would most likely prefer it to be open. But I could see some situations, such as having a child as a product of sexual assault, when a closed adoption would be preferable.

[Jermys]

Dec 1, 2013 20:57:12 GMT -5 pixelpassion said:

I think it depends upon some things. If I placed a child for adoption, I would most likely prefer it to be open. But I could see some situations, such as having a child as a product of sexual assault, when a closed adoption would be preferable.

We actually said no to a situation where the baby was a product of incest because how the hell do you explain that to your kid?  We're of the thought that children should know the entirety of their situation, and I just don't know how we would have handled that.  

[Booze Raccoon]

Dec 1, 2013 18:10:45 GMT -5 frkls said:

Dec 1, 2013 17:43:39 GMT -5 wambam said:

That's...interesting. Why aren't they telling her? Will they ever tell her?

i have no idea what the end game is.  lol!  i know they kind of had a scare for a second because they thought she was interested in her biomom's older son, but nothing ever happened with it. 

Holy Fuck!  I try hard not to be judgmental but this is an absolute disaster.  That poor girl.  Her entire foundation of trust will one day be shattered.  

[Jermys]

Dec 1, 2013 21:46:07 GMT -5 frkls said:

Dec 1, 2013 21:42:43 GMT -5 Booze Raccoon said:

Holy Fuck!  I try hard not to be judgmental but this is an absolute disaster.  That poor girl.  Her entire foundation of trust will one day be shattered.  

i don't know.  isn't it possible that she could understand that both of these women love her very much and have spent her whole life doing what they thought was best for her?  i mean, she COULD wind up feeling like she has 2 moms who have always taken care of her and provided her a ton of security?  i'm not sure this is necessarily a "shattered" type situation

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it rarely works out like this.  Does she know she was adopted? 

[Booze Raccoon]

Dec 1, 2013 21:46:07 GMT -5 frkls said:

Dec 1, 2013 21:42:43 GMT -5 Booze Raccoon said:

Holy Fuck!  I try hard not to be judgmental but this is an absolute disaster.  That poor girl.  Her entire foundation of trust will one day be shattered.  

i don't know.  isn't it possible that she could understand that both of these women love her very much and have spent her whole life doing what they thought was best for her?  i mean, she COULD wind up feeling like she has 2 moms who have always taken care of her and provided her a ton of security?  i'm not sure this is necessarily a "shattered" type situation

Again, I shouldn't be judgmental, and I have no idea as I'm not in either side of the situation, but I really feel like honesty is the best policy with children and where they come from.  

[hopecounts]

Dec 1, 2013 21:46:07 GMT -5 frkls said:

Dec 1, 2013 21:42:43 GMT -5 Booze Raccoon said:

Holy Fuck!  I try hard not to be judgmental but this is an absolute disaster.  That poor girl.  Her entire foundation of trust will one day be shattered.  

i don't know.  isn't it possible that she could understand that both of these women love her very much and have spent her whole life doing what they thought was best for her?  i mean, she COULD wind up feeling like she has 2 moms who have always taken care of her and provided her a ton of security?  i'm not sure this is necessarily a "shattered" type situation

It peobably depends on when it comes out.
Lets be honest No teenager is going to take this kind of secret well and its going to be "how could you lie to me for my whole life" and betrayal and drama. Right or wrong its the most likely reaction from a teenager/young adult.
Once she's an adult yes she may be able to see past the secret to the good intentions.
If they wanted it to be kept secret no one outside the 4 adults should've known because there is no way this isn't coming out and the fact that so many others knew is going to make it worse for the girl,

[sonrisa]

I don't know. I'd have to think long and hard.

Before kids, I would have said "open" (for both our sakes). At this point? My inclination is open would be best for the child but it complicates things to have a child I've chosen to raise. I guess it would depend on the circumstances and I'd want to be careful that (1) my DD didn't take this as a sign I might give her up and (2) somehow let the adopted child know that my decision to keep one and give the other a different home didn't reflect on the child but rather on me and the specific circumstances. Perhaps semi-open would accomplish that better.

[Jermys]

Dec 1, 2013 21:52:41 GMT -5 frkls said:

Dec 1, 2013 21:50:15 GMT -5 Jermys said:

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it rarely works out like this.  Does she know she was adopted? 

yes. she is the only bi-racial member of her very very white family. lol. 

She may be okay...I think the worst thing is if the parents don't even tell the kid they were adopted.  

Did I ever tell you that this stranger woman asked if we were going to tell Edith she was adopted?  We were like 

[Captain Serious]

frkls

M is obsessed with the idea of becoming a DJ, and loves Skilrix. One day, he was talking about him to my nephew, and burst out with, "he was adopted, too!" So I looked up the story, and his parents adopted him from a family friend and they were all very close. A lot of people in town knew, and some just assumed he did, too. One day he was out and someone bumped into him and mentioned, "I saw your mom yesterday," only hey weren't talking about his adoptive mother, but the family friend and biological mother. He was so shaken up that everyone in two knew but him, he ran away from home and didn't make amends with his family for quite some time. Granted, he never knew he was adopted at all, and that could make a huge difference, but I think the potential for her thinking she was betrayed is huge.

[pixelpassion]

Dec 1, 2013 21:08:47 GMT -5 frkls said:

Dec 1, 2013 20:57:12 GMT -5 pixelpassion said:

I think it depends upon some things. If I placed a child for adoption, I would most likely prefer it to be open. But I could see some situations, such as having a child as a product of sexual assault, when a closed adoption would be preferable.

*sigh*  jonah has been sitting on the couch with me watching tv.  i ran to the kitchen to get a beer and when i came back, he read me your sig.  lol. awesome

lol, sorry!

[pixelpassion]

Dec 1, 2013 21:40:05 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Dec 1, 2013 20:57:12 GMT -5 pixelpassion said:

I think it depends upon some things. If I placed a child for adoption, I would most likely prefer it to be open. But I could see some situations, such as having a child as a product of sexual assault, when a closed adoption would be preferable.

We actually said no to a situation where the baby was a product of incest because how the hell do you explain that to your kid?  We're of the thought that children should know the entirety of their situation, and I just don't know how we would have handled that.  

Yeah, I would have no idea how to approach that topic with a child. If it were me personally, I would not tell the child that bit of information.