A sad and selfish thread

[disappointedkittens]

It's 3am and I can't sleep so I am just going to dump my emotions here.
I just found out that my mom is going to need a major surgery that will involve cutting her entire throat and chest open, a week in the hospital and 6 weeks of recovery.  I am sick with worry over her.  They wanted to do the surgery on the 27th of this month, but my mom has gotten it delayed until the week of the 20th of Jan  My sister and I are both pregnant and due Jan 3rd and Jan 23rd.

Selfish:  My mom delayed the surgery because it means she won't be able to hold the babies until her recovery is done, and she doesn't want to miss both births.  I know that logically it doesn't make sense to miss both, but I really feel like she's trading being there for my sister for missing a larger chunk of time with my baby.  Aside from all my worries about her and her health, I'm upset that this means she won't be there to see my child when he's born or hold him for the first 7 weeks of his life, assuming he's on time.  I know she has to worry about her health first and foremost, and I'm not angry, I just feel hurt that she will be there for my sister and not me.  I know it was an awful choice for her to have to make and that she'd be there for me if she could.  They aren't even telling my sister about the surgery for now because they don't want to worry her while pregnant. 

This is compounded by the fact that my IL's have booked a 2 week vacation that same week.  They booked it well after they knew our due date, but are going with another couple who chose the date.  They haven't been on a winter vacation in 15 years, so I get them wanting to go, but I find it super shitty that this year is the year that they just HAVE to go away, and it has to be right when our baby is due.  With SIL they went and spent a full month helping with both her children, and they have never missed travelling to visit them for a birthday, because what kind of awful grandparents would disappoint a child like that?  It's somehow just fine to miss the birth of our child though, and we are local to them so all they have to do is not leave town.

I'm having a rough time lately, so I'm probably more emotional than I need to be about this, but I just feel sad that most likely both sets of our parents are going to be missing the birth of our child.  No happy visitors in the hospital, no photos of the newborn with the grandparents when he is brand new.  I remember how thrilled both our parents were at the birth of the other children and how they couldn't wait to get there when they were born.  I know that I would likely miss that with my mom anyways, but I just feel hurt and rejected

[Ruby Gloom]

It's natural that you're disappointed. I'm sorry that you feel slighted.

[bonquiqui]

I am sorry  (hug) (hug2)

[vanillacourage]

I would be really sad too.  I am also sort of side-eyeing your mom for not even wanting to tell your sister so as not to upset her...but it's totally cool for her to actually have the surgery three days before YOUR due date?  You are not being unreasonable and I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Bright side - your kiddo will be here so soon!  Early congrats. 

[cookie510]

I'm sorry, that really stinks, I would feel the same way.

Maybe LO will be a few days early?

[Deleted]

Its not selfish of you to feel that way. Given your mother's horrible behavior to you thus far regarding your pregnancy and birth, I think your reaction is spot on. I continue to really feel for you--you deserve to be treated better by your own parents. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[janiejones]

Are you the poster who's family wanted you to postpone your shower for your sister to have her third baby's shower?


I'd be bummed too, but you really should soak up the first few weeks on your own! Newborn stage isn't as hard as week 4/5 growth spurt if you nurse (because of the cluster feeding!). Your mum should be ready to help you then.

[disappointedkittens]

Dec 10, 2013 9:18:46 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I would be really sad too.  I am also sort of side-eyeing your mom for not even wanting to tell your sister so as not to upset her...but it's totally cool for her to actually have the surgery three days before YOUR due date?  You are not being unreasonable and I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Bright side - your kiddo will be here so soon!  Early congrats. 

Ya.  The 3 days thing sucks.  She said she asked for them to delay it as long as possible and that was the latest date they gave her.  Maybe she's hoping I will be early and that she will get to see both, which would be nice. 
I'm guessing they weren't going to tell me either if she was able to delay a few weeks more.

[disappointedkittens]

janiejones Yes, they wanted me to delay until after her baby was born. I'm not sure now if that had something to do with this or not, but I don't think so.

[janiejones]

Dec 10, 2013 9:50:28 GMT -5 disappointedkittens said:

janiejones Yes, they wanted me to delay until after her baby was born. I'm not sure now if that had something to do with this or not, but I don't think so.

Is there a reason she's so protective of your sister?
Your stories make me feel like you consistently are second best lately.  (((HUGS)))
Of course the surgery is not at all about you, and I hope it goes well for your mom.  But I hate when parents pull this "I'm having fairly serious surgery but tra-la-la don't tell your sibling, I don't want them to worry"

[disappointedkittens]

Dec 10, 2013 9:54:56 GMT -5 janiejones said:

Dec 10, 2013 9:50:28 GMT -5 disappointedkittens said:

janiejones Yes, they wanted me to delay until after her baby was born. I'm not sure now if that had something to do with this or not, but I don't think so.

Is there a reason she's so protective of your sister?
Your stories make me feel like you consistently are second best lately.  (((HUGS)))
Of course the surgery is not at all about you, and I hope it goes well for your mom.  But I hate when parents pull this "I'm having fairly serious surgery but tra-la-la don't tell your sibling, I don't want them to worry"

Yes, I think it's because I am fairly stable, and I am well supported by my H.  My sister goes into hysterics very easily, and her H is kind of a douche.  They don't think she can handle things that an average adult could.  She would full out lose her shit if my mom wasn't there for the baby being born.
I'm glad they told me though.  I'd much rather know about it, and I think it's a lot of pressure and stress for her to hold something big like this in, and I don't think she should be expected to worry about us above herself.

[janiejones]

I see.

[runforrest]

First, your dog is beautiful. OMG.

Second, it is okay to feel hurt/upset, but also feel guilty about having those feelings. This is your first, yes? So it is completely natural to feel slighted that neither set of grandparents will be there for the birth or shortly thereafter.

BUT, I do agree with PP in that those first few weeks are a blur and it will be a blessing in disguise to get in all the snuggles and such with your new baby, without any family interference (or mom/MIL bearing down on you).

I hope your mom's surgery is a success and that she starts to realize she is treating you very poorly.

[Stingyshark]

I will send my MIL over to you

But for real- I'm sorry you've had to put up with so much BS from your family! They are something else..