WWMLD? RE: Study Groups

[chedominique]

Sorry, this is long.  Please don't quote.

I have a question for everyone.  Myself and a friend of mine host a study group three times a week to study for our licensing exams.  I usually organize our agendas/homework and help people with the drawing portion of our exam while he helps people with the multiple choice questions.  People are actually passing their exams because of it and I'm super excited!  Here is the issue: the other co-founder has an issue of being a flake. Examples:

-He paid for our meetup.com group and stopped paying all of a sudden and our group closed down.  Instead of telling me days in advance, myself and our other members got a message saying that our group was closing.  I had to call him and ask him what happened (he just said he stopped paying and that's it).  I couldn't do anything about it because he failed to make me an administrator too.  I had to message all our members and transfer our information to FB.  I made sure I was the head administrator of our new site to prevent it from happening again.  I suggested FB when we first talked about having a site, but he pushed meetup.com and said he was going to pay for it.

-He shows up to meetings 30+ mins late.  Usually that's not a problem when we meet at Starbucks, but when we have our Google Hangout, it inconveniences everyone.  We all have similar study material, but he brought the digital flashcards for everyone to use on Google Hangout.  When he doesn't show up, I have to read off my paper flashcards or change the agenda around.  It's awkward on a webcam.  I ended up buying the digital cards after he was late/was a no show to a couple of meetings.  (Best investment ever!)

-He sometimes forgets when we meet and he was the one that set the schedule.  Making him show up late again/be a no show.  It seems like I text him every meeting to ask where he is.  Yesterday, we met during lunch to study and he said he was going to be on Google Hangout later than night to study with the group.  He showed up an hour late.  By that time, I already canceled the meeting because only myself and one other person showed up, and she had computer problems. 

-When he "plans" to be a no show, he tells me less than 24 hours in advance.  At midnight.  Through email.  On a Friday night.  WTH?  So I have to organize everything myself at the last minute.  Other times, he doesn't answer his phone when he goes missing.

All this stuff started happening more in the past couple of months and I hate apologizing to my study group for starting late.

Should I say something to him?  What should I say without being an asshole?  Because I have a lot of anger.

Thanks!

[kirra]

You can't make someone be responsible.

If you want to keep doing the study group, you'll have to plan like he isn't going to be there or show up, and great if he does.

If you don't want to run the group by yourself, I think the best option is to either find a new partner or give it up. You can't change him and make him do what he committed to do..

[vanillacourage]

He paid for the Meetup - did other people reimburse him?

It seems like the two of you are doing a LOT of organizing and providing materials - what are others doing?  It sort of sounds like a PITA.  It might be that the conversation isn't "why are you sucking lately?" but "hey, is this more of a commitment than you bargained on?"

[speckledfrog]

It sounds like he doesn't really care about the group. I don't think you'd be out of line to ask if he wanted to step down.

[chedominique]

Dec 10, 2013 10:05:39 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

He paid for the Meetup - did other people reimburse him?

It seems like the two of you are doing a LOT of organizing and providing materials - what are others doing?  It sort of sounds like a PITA.  It might be that the conversation isn't "why are you sucking lately?" but "hey, is this more of a commitment than you bargained on?"

We planned to have everyone reimburse him, but the group starting off slow at first.  By the time the group started to pick him he stopped paying.  I was even going to offer paying half but that happened.

We have a lot of people giving us feedback and study material, especially that ones who have taken a couple of exams.  We are just hosting/organizing it.

He has created another business since we started the group (he already has another one) and I think it's taking over more.

[chedominique]

Dec 10, 2013 10:07:40 GMT -5 @booby said:

what you say will depend on what you want. are you cool with running the groups yourself? is there a way to do that without needing his help?

I have no problem running the group myself, but I feel like it will be super awkward if I ask him to step down when he invested as much as I did in the group.

I still want him in the group, and he is super committed when he is there.  

[vanillacourage]

I think it's fine to tell him that you realize there are more demands on his time lately with his new company, so can you please be set up as an admin on whatever channels are necessary, and that you're also prepared to take on a more active role in leading the group's activity calendar so that if he does need to be absent, it won't affect anyone else.

[chedominique]

Now he just sent me a text saying sorry he couldn't make it to the Google Hangout session last night because he couldn't get it to work on his phone. This is when you call/txt someone to tell them. What if I would have waited online, especially since the other member left early? Why do you wait till the next morning to do so?

He wants to study during lunch.  I think if I do meet him today, I may say something.

[livinitup]

This is who he is and how he handles his responsibility as a leader. It's not going to change. So, you have to decide if you want to continue like this or make a big change - awkward or not.

Your OP only listed the negative, so with no value its easy to say drop him. But your follow-up detail some value. So, you have to decide if his value out ways his flakiness.

If you keep him, you can ask to agree on a few ground rules. Like, meetings start on-time when either of you are on-time (aka YOU), no waiting. Or meetings get cancelled if its a late/no-show after 10 minutes - no scrambling on your part.

As long as you keep bailing him out, he's not going to see this as a problem. Unless you tell him.

[chedominique]

I totally agree.

I know everyone has families and anything can pop up at the last minute, but every meeting though? I think he feels that since he isn't a regular member, he doesn't have to tell anyone he is running late because I will cover it. I can't keep functioning like that. So I will do it.

I decided to not meet him for lunch so I can cool off a bit. I will call him tomorrow 30 minutes before our Google Hangout session and first ask him if he will be joining us and will be meeting on-time. Then I set the time ground rules for him and everyone else.

[renna]

Dec 10, 2013 10:05:39 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

It might be that the conversation isn't "why are you sucking lately?" but "hey, is this more of a commitment than you bargained on?"

I think the bolded part is really very classy.  What a nice way to ask, VC.