Frustrated with H

[chicago]

He's been really helpful in a practical way since I got pregnant.  He does pretty much all the cleaning in the house now on a regular basis while I get to relax, he takes the dog out three times a day since bending over is getting to be a chore and he doesn't want me to slip on icy sidewalk.  All of that is fine and good and I'm super grateful, though that's pretty much how he always is.  

He says he is really excited about being a dad, but I don't get the impression that he is particularly excited about the pregnancy, if that makes sense.  Where I get ridiculously excited about the ultrasounds, he has been pretty 'eh' at all of them.  He hasn't been all that excited to feel the baby kick.  The first time he did, his reaction was positive, but since then he's sorta "been there, done that" about it.  Now that I can see my belly twitch from the outside when she moves, I really wanted him to see it, but he doesn't seem all that interested.

We talked about it tonight because I told him I was feeling a little alone and like he wasn't excited to be a dad.  He reiterated that he is but that he just doesn't get as excited about some of the stuff, that he thinks it'll be way more exciting when she gets here.

I feel like it makes some sense that since he's not experiencing this and it's still sort of an abstract idea for him, it's harder for him to bond or connect with her.  At the same time, this to me is still the start of her life and I feel like he's taking this for granted and I wish he were excited about seeing his wife pregnant, getting bigger, the baby developing. He's not cold or stoic by any means, and he's usually a pretty even-keeled/constant sort of guy, so I am falling more into the "this is just not the same experience for both of us" camp, but I can't help but feel kinda disappointed that he's not reacting differently. 

My lord, I use 'excited' in this post a lot.  Sorry for being rambly.

[mannah]

I totally know what you mean. Mine is the same way--I know he's excited but he doesn't show it in the same way I do and sometimes I wish he would. He will do nice things and is supportive but we've had to have a talk like the one you mentioned. I have learned with him though that I just have to kinda wait it out and then randomly out of no where he'll do or say something extremely thoughtful and emotional and it will let me know he's been feeling a lot and not showing it a lot. If that makes any sense. I also think that what a lot of the other ladies have said on the "AW your husband" thread is that once the baby is here, the men have their own experience that we have been having since the beginning. I hear you 100%.

[vmars]

I think a lot of men are probably like your DH. It could be because he's not used to it or doesn't know quite how to act. He also may be nervous about feeling the baby, etc. since it makes it more real for him. I would try and talk to him again and find out exactly what may be causing his hesitation to get closer to the baby while you're pregnant.

[AlpineSlide]

Mine was the same way. He didn't feel the attachment that I felt until the moment our baby was born. Pregnancy and the thought of an actual baby was very abstract for him. I'm sorry your disappointed in his reactions though, but hopefully he'll surprise you at some point.

[marie3246]

My H is the exact same way. He has felt the baby move a few times and only because I told him to put his hand there and feel. He didn't really make any comments about it or get all excited about it either. I honestly don't think he will feel like its real until she is here. He wanted kids way more than I did, but he sure doesn't act like it and it drives me nuts sometimes, but I know that for him nothing has changed all that much and it has to be hard for him to understand what I am feeling all day.

I also talked to my H about feeling alone and he told me the same thing yours did about how he just doesn't get all excited about it in the same way that I do. And I also wish he was excited about me being pregnant and experiencing it with me, but its just not as real to him as it is to me. I don't have any good advice since my H is the same way, but if yours is anything like mine, I know he will be a fantastic father, but it just has to be in front of him for me to see some difference in his behavior.

[hillarywhitney]

I'd feel disappointed too. ((hugs)). I know you said you guys talked. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him how important certain things are to you (kicks, ultrasounds etc) and while you know it's different for him, it would mean a lot to you if he'd participate more in those experiences. Even if the 10th kick isn't as exciting as the 1st to him, you want him to still feel the 10th kick. I hope that made sense.

[birdietoldme]

I promise you that this is really normal.  My DH was the exact same way with our first.  (He's better now with #3 because he knows that inside my belly is another one of his soon-to-be favorite people.)  

Be prepared that it's also normal for your DH to not feel an immediate bond with the baby once he/she is born.  I can't stress this enough.  Some men are connected from day one and others are still getting used to their new little stranger.  Women have nine months to bond.  It took my DH a seemingly long time before he became fully obsessed and in love with baby #1 after the birth.  (He really was better with #2 and he's downright giddy for #3.)

It can be so sad because you want to share all these amazing things with your DH but hopefully it helps to hear that it can be normal.  He will totally come around.  It's just hard for a lot of guys in the beginning.  Babies don't always have a ton of personality in the very beginning so *some* dads just take a while to become head over heels.  It WILL happen, I promise.

[sonrisa]

My husband, who is generally an empathetic and sensitive guy, did not get it with the pregnancy of my first. At all. He didn't want to attend the birthing classes because he's already attended dozens of labors. He finally agreed when I said "WTF? You aren't going to the classes or the labor to learn how to be the doctor in the room. You are going to learn how to be a supportive partner and help me through it." But he still didn't get it. He even said "I'll take care of the baby for those first 6 years, but I don't expect to really be interested in her until she's a bit older."

Then I went into labor. I had a crappy, crappy labor. (I'll skip the details but I needed a lot of hands on involvement from him for 40 straight hours.) He did a 180 turn. Up until they cut me open, he was by far the most important person in the L&D room. Within the first two days, his love for DD was radiating off his face and he was jealous that I was getting so much cuddle time. Ever since then, she is the center of his universe (despite colic and some other early challenges).

Pregnancy idiots can be really, really great dads. He certainly is.

ETA: He's been better this pregnancy. However, yesterday he said "I need to think of these next months as residency.  We just need to get through them and the sleep derivation." He just grunted when I said this is going to be much harder on me than him and I'll need his support - hello!  I'm the one who has to have surgery and recover - he just grunted. I know he'll come around when it happens.

[vmars]

Dec 14, 2013 9:43:19 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

My husband, who is generally an empathetic and sensitive guy, did not get it with the pregnancy of my first. At all. He didn't want to attend the birthing classes because he's already attended dozens of labors. He finally agreed when I said "WTF? You aren't going to the classes or the labor to learn how to be the doctor in the room. You are going to learn how to be a supportive partner and help me through it." But he still didn't get it. He even said "I'll take care of the baby for those first 6 years, but I don't expect to really care about her until she's a bit older."

Then I went into labor. I had a crappy, crappy labor. (I'll skip the details but I needed a lot of hands on involvement from him for 40 straight hours.) He did a 180 turn and up until they cut me open, he was by far the most important person in the L&D room. Within the first two days, his love for DD was radiating off his face and he was jealous that I was getting so much cuddle time. Ever since then, she is the center of his universe (despite colic and some other early challenges).

Pregnancy idiots can be really, really great dads. He certainly is.

ETA: He's been better this pregnancy. However, yesterday he said "I need to think of these next months as residency.  We just need to get through them and the sleep derivation." He just grunted when I said this is going to be much harder on me than him and I'll need his support - hello!  I'm the one who has to have surgery and recover - he just grunted. I know he'll come around when it happens.

say what? did he apologize?

[sonrisa]

Dec 14, 2013 9:51:52 GMT -5 vmars said:

Dec 14, 2013 9:43:19 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

"I'll take care of the baby for those first 6 years, but I don't expect to really care about her until she's a bit older."

say what? did he apologize?

I think it was more like "I don't expect to be interested in her" than I don't expect to care about her. But still. This was a very wanted child (for both of us). He just thought babies were boring and that he wouldn't understand her or have any real desire to do things with her. He'd go through the motions for those early years but it would be because that is what babies need, not because he was actually interested. I've seen enough older generation guys check out for those early years so I know it can happen. They regret it later but didn't get it at the time.

I told her he had to give her a chance or he'd regret it later. Once she got here, it was clear he didn't need any convincing. 

[marie3246]

Dec 14, 2013 9:58:47 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Dec 14, 2013 9:51:52 GMT -5 vmars said:

say what? did he apologize?

I think it was more like "I don't expect to be interested in her" than I don't expect to care about her. But still. This was a very wanted child (on both her parts). He just thought babies were boring and that he wouldn't understand her or have any real desire to do things with her. He'd go through the motions for those early years but it would be because that is what babies need, not because he was actually interested. I've seen enough older generation guys check out for those early years so I know it can happen. They regret it later but didn't get it at the time.

I told her he had to give her a chance or he'd regret it later. Once she got here, it was clear he didn't need any convincing. 

My H came home from work (after I was already pregnant) and told me about a conversation he and a coworker had about both of them not being "baby people" and how he thinks the first year is going to be boring, but he can't wait til they can start understanding and learning. I was like wtf, but in the last few months watching him with our friends babies and him trying to hold them to get them to stop crying, I have no doubt he will be a great dad, he just says some wtf things sometimes. 

[adcobe]

Mine was the same way with DD and it made me feel the way you are feeling so I completely understand but I will say that now DD is here he is so in love with her. That girl is his world and is constantly doting on her. I am sure it will be the same for you guys. I think it becomes real to women once we find out we are pregnant and real for men once the baby is here.

[pitterwoo]

I feel a little like the the husband in these stories. This is very much wanted and planned by both of us, but in our relationship I'm the one who's taking longer to get adjusted to it. I haven't been around babies and it's very hard for me to imagine what it will really be like, and I guess until he/she is here there's no way to really know. We've even had some conversations about how weird it is that I'm the one physically experiencing everything and yet I'm the one who is feeling more abstract about it. H has been great and at least he isn't judging me. I'm glad we get 9 months to prepare for this because I need it. I'm sure everyone's Hs will be fine too with some time.

[chicago]

Thanks guys, this is really helpful. I'm glad to know this isn't just my H. I sort of figured as much, knowing how he is generally (not the most emotive). I have zero doubts that he will be an amazing father. Not the same, I know, but he is so ridiculously in love with our French Bulldog and loves to snuggle him, talk to him, play with him. It's cute to watch them together and I know he'll be in love with his daughter once she's here. It's been harder on me I guess, since I thought pregnancy would be something H and I would bond over, but it's been much more bonding between myself and my female friends who have been pregnant and for myself with the baby.

I don't think I can get him to be into the kicks, but we did go shopping today after house hunting and he was cute testing out the gliders and talking about rocking her during mid-night feedings.