Childbirth feelings (or lack thereof)

[jene]

If you are broken then I am as well. I could have written your post word for word.

[sunshineluv]

If you are broken so am I.

My birth plan was simple, have a baby. I ended up with a scheduled c/s and likely will for this baby (I am 37 weeks). I do not feel like I missed out on anything.

I think every woman thinks about childbirth differently, maybe if I had different hopes or expectations I would have regret or disappointment?

Oops I am only 36 weeks.

[catsarecute]

The more I read about using a squeeze bottle on my lady parts after giving birth because it is too painful/dangerous to use toilet paper after using the bathroom, I'm thinking a c/s wouldn't be so bad. Lots of my friends had c/s and recovered wonderfully.

Someone I know had to have a c-section after complications arose late in her pregnancy. She had planned on having a natural birth and was seriously DESTROYED that she had to have a c/s. Like, she couldn't bare to think about her child's birth because of it. It left her with serious issues for a long time. I never understood and still don't as I think about my impending birth experience.

I just want my kid to come out healthy and for me to be healthy at the end. I don't care how I deliver. It isn't up to me to decide that. That has been my attitude since day 1 and I still have no "plan" on how I want it to go because I truly believe you can't plan childbirth. Part of me wants it to be over as quickly as possible so I can meet the kid!

I don't think I'm answering your question, obviously, as I've never given birth but I do assume it is something you don't understand until you go through it. I also think the attitude you bring into your birthing experience will help shape it. I'm bringing in no expectations except that I want the best care, support from my husband and a healthy human in my arms at the end.

[7costanza]

I'm 6 months pp and I hardly think about how I gave birth. I do feel like it was a significant, transformative experience only because it's how I became a mother. I was set on a med free birth and was worried I would be disappointed if I didn't get that but ended up with an epidural and forceps assisted delivery, in the end I am just happy to be healed and have a healthy baby.

[picksthemusic]

You're not broken. But I think that you need to investigate the kind of birth you want. Do you have a birth plan? Have you started exploring what your wishes for your birth are? Like, for example, do you care if you're continuously monitored? Do you care if they tell you when to push, or do you want to follow your body's cues for pushing? There's a lot to think about in terms of things you can and can't control with your birth. And that's the bottom line - it's YOUR birth experience. True, complications happen and things are often out of your control (like when I had DD). But there's a lot that you have control over, and those are things you need to think about. And, I think it's important to note, that attitude is everything. If you go into your birth scared of contractions and pain, you're more likely to have a more painful birth. My suggestion would be to take a childbirth class (if you're not signed up for one already) to at least get a better idea as to what happens and how you want to approach it. HTH!

[blushing]

My birth plan with my first was get baby out safely. How was not a major issue for me. I said that if I was having a vaginal birth that I wanted an epidural. As it turned out, my labour was too quick and there was no time for an epidural (and they took my gas and air away when I had to push). I will tell that I felt like superwoman afterwards. I wanted to tell everyone and anyone who would listen that I pushed an 8lbs baby out of my lady bits without any drugs! But I only know what that is like. I have no idea what it is like to have an epidural or to have a C-section. I am sure I would have been just as proud.

The plan for this one is to get to the hospital as quickly as possible after labour starts and no drugs again. I want to be able to come back hom again as soon as possible. I still have a school aged child that needs to be taken care of. In a perfect world I will be able to drop him off at school. Have the baby, be released 2-3 hours later, and then pick up my son from school. I know that is unlikely to happen, but that would be awesome (it happened to a friend of mine on Tuesday). The thing that scares me about a c-section is not being able to drive for 6 weeks. My mom is coming out for the birth, but she won't be here for the 6 weeks after the birth. And I need to be able to get DS to school and back and get the shopping done, etc.

[IndiaInk]

What sort of experiences are your friends and family sharing with you? I feel like a lot of the reason that I'm not scared of the birth process is because my mom and my friends have had very positive experiences and they are very encouraging that I am strong and will get through it. I have been reading a lot of Ina May Gaskin - while very much on the hippie end of the spectrum, I find her books very empowering.

But take it all with a grain of salt - I run marathons for fun, so I probably have strange ideas about tolerating pain.

[picksthemusic]

Jan 23, 2014 11:24:10 GMT -5 IndiaInk said:

What sort of experiences are your friends and family sharing with you? I feel like a lot of the reason that I'm not scared of the birth process is because my mom and my friends have had very positive experiences and they are very encouraging that I am strong and will get through it. I have been reading a lot of Ina May Gaskin - while very much on the hippie end of the spectrum, I find her books very empowering.

But take it all with a grain of salt - I run marathons for fun, so I probably have strange ideas about tolerating pain.

I second reading anything by Ina May. She's amazing, and someone I look up to very much.

[Yankees21]

I feel very similar to you at this point. I'd prefer to avoid a c section because of the more difficult recovery, but otherwise don't have strong feelings. You aren't broken!

[narockshard]

I really, REALLY want to avoid a c-section at all costs, but mostly because I just don't want to have a major surgery and I plan on having a bunch more kids hopefully, so I don't want that to set the stage for more complicated deliveries down the road. And I also don't like the idea that they sometimes (often? rarely? idk) are done out of convenience for the doctor more or less, or vaginal deliveries aren't given a better chance in some cases. I do like the idea that my body is designed for a vaginal delivery and should be able to handle it for the most part.

That being said, I don't anticipate being empowered or anything, I feel like I'll just want the kid out! I have no problem with getting an epidural--with the exception that I'm a little worried it might lead to a c-section. I'm not good with pain or discomfort and am cool with doing whatever it takes to make it less painful. I plan to feel it out and see how things go, but believe you me, if it starts to be get really unbearable, I will NOT feel bad about getting it. Plus I hear delivering the placenta and all that jazz after the fact is pretty awful too. Would I feel pretty bad ass for going med free? Sure. But is it worth the agony and pain to me? Nope.

[blushing]

If I am honest (and I said this within minutes of giving birth, its not just a hazy memory talking) the idea of childbirth was worse than childbirth itself. Don't get me wrong, it was pain like I had never felt before and I screamed enough that the midwives commented on how loud I was, but the idea of childbirth was a lot scarier than the actual experience. Once your body is doing its thing there is no going back, there is no place for fear.

[narockshard]

Jan 23, 2014 11:24:10 GMT -5 IndiaInk said:

What sort of experiences are your friends and family sharing with you? I feel like a lot of the reason that I'm not scared of the birth process is because my mom and my friends have had very positive experiences and they are very encouraging that I am strong and will get through it. I have been reading a lot of Ina May Gaskin - while very much on the hippie end of the spectrum, I find her books very empowering.

But take it all with a grain of salt - I run marathons for fun, so I probably have strange ideas about tolerating pain.

This is a really good point. I haven't really talked about birth experiences with anyone in real life, so most of what I know is from reading stuff online. Which isn't the greatest idea, because it seems all I read is how painful and awful and horrible it can be. I should probably start focusing on positive views of childbirth. After all, our bodies are designed for this and women have been doing it since the beginning of time. It's a completely natural process.

Thanks for this perspective!

[shelbyann]

It's weird. Before I got PG, I always thought I'd be the "heck, just knock me out and get it over with" type when it came to giving birth, but here I am with my crunchy team of midwives and my doula and my water birth certificate going in to this with every hope of avoiding drugs and interventions. It just seems...simpler this way? I don't know. I'm not really afraid of the pain. I'm actually kind of looking forward to the whole experience in a bizarre way. Not that I think having a natural birth would define me or even empower me...it just feels like the right approach for me, for some reason. And I believe that I'm strong enough to do it.

Of course I realize that shit happens and that plan could all go to hell if something goes wrong. I don't *think* I'll be heartbroken if I have to have a C-section, but I will be disappointed if only because it means that future labor/delivery scenarios will be that much more complicated.

[daisycat]

I'm only 23 weeks, but I am having the same feelings as you. I completely understand that even if I go into this wanting something to go a certain way, that nature and the baby may have other plans. I really just want a healthy baby and mama after all is done so I am planning not to get so focused and set on one particular method of birth that I can't roll with the situation and deal with whatever needs to happen.

[starlily]

For me, childbirth was a means to an end. My only goal was for both of us to get through it safely. That was it.

[sent]

Jan 23, 2014 11:14:30 GMT -5 blushing said:

The thing that scares me about a c-section is not being able to drive for 6 weeks. My mom is coming out for the birth, but she won't be here for the 6 weeks after the birth. And I need to be able to get DS to school and back and get the shopping done, etc.

I haven't read all the posts yet but my doctor cleared me to drive in 2 weeks post c/s.  I felt ready to drive a few days earlier than that.  I felt like I was able to go into grocery stores for shopping after about 1 week and a day or two, but I didn't last in the store for a super long time.  Like 15 minutes was my max so I would dart around to the aisles where I knew I needed to buy stuff my husband would be lost in (like Ensure and maxi pads) and then sat by the check out waiting for him to get everything else, pay and bring the car to the front to go home.  Hopefully your healing and schedule will allow for this too.  My mom had the opposite experience when she had my brother by c/s.  She was useless for weeks and her friend used to take me to school.

[anna7602]

My birth experience was super important to me, but there are a lot of other things I can't get too worked up about that others place far more importance on. I don't think you're broken, I think you're normal.

[chickadee77]

I'm similar, too, in that I think my focus is more outcome-based rather than experience-based. Yes, I'd like to have a mountaintop experience in theory, but being safe and healthy in the long run trumps that, for me, and I don't want to lose sight of that in "planning" the details.

I Will likely read some natural childbirth literature as far as pain management, etc., because while I plan to get an epidural (or, if my placenta previa doesn't resolve itself, I guess a c-section), I have heard stories of them not taking all the way, and there's also the pain beforehand that I'll need to work through. I would prefer a vaginal birth for a variety of reasons, but if it's not safe, c-section it is!

[bowies]

I do not fear childbirth. I guess because I have so many examples of women who have done it and everything has been fine. I know it's not exactly a walk in the park, but I find solace in that my body is designed to do this.

I also have no preconceived notions about what it's going to be like or what I'm going to want in the moment. My plan is to just take it as it comes and make decisions as they crop up. If I find that the pain is manageable, then I'll keep going without the epidural. If I want it, I'll have it and not feel bad about it.

The only thing that gives me pause is an emergency c/s. I've heard that the recovery is the worst out of all possible birth methods. But, again, que sera sera. The ultimate goal is for both of us to be healthy at the end of it all.

I think my approach is very much in keeping with my personality. I don't really dwell on fear or worry - I rely on educated decisions and logic. This is the complete opposite of my mother who is on the road to shut-in status. She won't be at the birth...I can't handle that kind of energy.

[blushing]

Jan 23, 2014 12:39:52 GMT -5 sent said:

Jan 23, 2014 11:14:30 GMT -5 blushing said:

The thing that scares me about a c-section is not being able to drive for 6 weeks. My mom is coming out for the birth, but she won't be here for the 6 weeks after the birth. And I need to be able to get DS to school and back and get the shopping done, etc.

I haven't read all the posts yet but my doctor cleared me to drive in 2 weeks post c/s.  I felt ready to drive a few days earlier than that.  I felt like I was able to go into grocery stores for shopping after about 1 week and a day or two, but I didn't last in the store for a super long time.  Like 15 minutes was my max so I would dart around to the aisles where I knew I needed to buy stuff my husband would be lost in (like Ensure and maxi pads) and then sat by the check out waiting for him to get everything else, pay and bring the car to the front to go home.  Hopefully your healing and schedule will allow for this too.  My mom had the opposite experience when she had my brother by c/s.  She was useless for weeks and her friend used to take me to school.

My insurance won't cover me before 6 weeks, even if my doc cleared me. Its in our policy documents.

[formerlyak]

I think you have to do what is right for you and no you are not broken. There are so many opinions out there on this and only you know what is right for you. Having a c-section or an epi doesn't make you less of a mother or a failure or anything like that. I remember after I gave birth to my son - 28 hours of labor that ended in a c-sec - my cousin, who had a baby 6 months earlier and was so upset that because of the baby being breech she needed a c-sec, asked me if she missed out on anything not getting to experience labor. I told her "hell no." Labor sucked. First it was boring and then it was painful and then I was just exhausted.

I always tell me friends to just go in with an open mind and do what feels right for you at the time. Prepared Childbirth classes are great, because they kind of go over all different scenarios and what to expect, so you feel informed but don't feel tied to a method or plan.

[sneetch]

I could have written a lot of what you did. Going natural doesn't really appeal to me and I do plan to get an epidural. Some people are very passionate about having a natural birth, and I have wondered if there is something wrong with me because I'm not one of them.

[Deleted]

You aren't broken The birth is really important to me partially because I have a huge fear of surgery and really don't like medical interventions in normal situations unless absolutely necessary. And secondly because I just want to see what I can do physically (the same way some people run marathons, which I would constitute as unnecessary torture!) I think everyone has their own hang-ups.

[formerlyak]

Jan 23, 2014 12:47:00 GMT -5 bowies said:

I do not fear childbirth. I guess because I have so many examples of women who have done it and everything has been fine. I know it's not exactly a walk in the park, but I find solace in that my body is designed to do this.

I also have no preconceived notions about what it's going to be like or what I'm going to want in the moment. My plan is to just take it as it comes and make decisions as they crop up. If I find that the pain is manageable, then I'll keep going without the epidural. If I want it, I'll have it and not feel bad about it.

The only thing that gives me pause is an emergency c/s. I've heard that the recovery is the worst out of all possible birth methods. But, again, que sera sera. The ultimate goal is for both of us to be healthy at the end of it all.

I think my approach is very much in keeping with my personality. I don't really dwell on fear or worry - I rely on educated decisions and logic. This is the complete opposite of my mother who is on the road to shut-in status. She won't be at the birth...I can't handle that kind of energy.

Hoping to ease your mind, I will say my c-section with ds was an emergency c-section (I wasn't dilating past 3 after 28 hours of active labor, my hips/pelvis never spread, his little head was being bashed against my bone with every contraction and then his heart rate started dropping and he went into distress). I didn't think the recovery was bad at all. Sure you have to kind of roll out of bed a certain way for a bit to not irritate the incision and it isn't pain-free, but it was definitely managable. I was able to nurse him within an hour of getting into recovery. I was up and walking around within 24 hours of the c-sec (I had to wait for them to take the catheter out before I could get up). And I was doing so well and getting bored being at the hospital, my doc authorized an early release for me. I think recovery from having my tonsils removed last year was far worse than recovery from the emergency c-section.

[osulori]

Jan 23, 2014 11:14:30 GMT -5 blushing said:

My birth plan with my first was get baby out safely. How was not a major issue for me. 

This was how I felt and what I relayed to my doctors and nurses when asked while I was PG and when I was in labor.  Sure I wanted to see how long I could go without an epidural just to see how far I could get, and I was hoping to get to at least 5 cm before doing so...but I'm not upset by the fact that I asked for the anesthesiologist at 3cm because the pitocin contractions were killing me and I was exhausted already.  I know plenty of people whose births didn't go the way they had hoped (ended up with a c/s insead of vaginal, or epidural instead of drug free, or hospital instead of home birth) and that really bothers them and they beat themselves up over it quite a bit.  I don't understand it, I don't/can't relate, but that doesn't mean that how they feel is wrong or weird...I think it's all in different peoples' mindsets and how they go into the whole process.

[mellimel19]

I'm like you, bricco. I don't anticipate feeling this huge sense of empowerment, I am mostly just scared about the process of giving birth. I don't do well with pain, and I am definitely afraid of how painful it will be. Though I try to remind myself that my body was built for this, women have been doing this for thousands of years and give birth every day.
I'm also not committed to any specific birth plan. I have some preferences, but plan to just see how things go and rely on the professionals around me to help guide me. I don't think I would be horribly upset if I had to have a c-section.

[fortnightlily]

My emergency c-section recovery was shockingly easy, though I already had the epidural in and hadn't started pushing yet, so my body wasn't exhausted, which probably makes the difference.

I wasn't really wedded to any particular experience. I will say, I'm glad I got to experience going into labor on my own, glad I didn't have to deal with tearing or anything, but a little disappointed I didn't get to try pushing. I feel sort of disconnected from his moment of arrival because it happened so suddenly and I didn't really participate in it.

[sent]

In college I took called "Reproductive Biopsychology." We learned about birth process of different mammals and I clearly remember this fact from the chapter on humans - The human body is poorly designed for childbirth. We also discussed that many women and babies used to die during childbirth before medical advances. So many things can go wrong in the process and a lot of it has to do with our narrow human hips trying to squeeze out a head that is wider than the hips. I held on to this little factoid for the last 15 years and when I became pregnant, I really didn't care either way what was going to happen as long as the baby came out ok. I was told the baby was breech around week 28 so mentally prepare for a c-section unless we could get her to turn by week 40. Never had a chance since she was born premature at 33 weeks by c-section. Skin to skin minutes after the birth? I didn't get to see and hold her until a full 24 hours after she was born and that was with me being fully gloved and gowned up so I couldn't touch anything on her.

Obsessing over a birth plan would have been, for me, a waste of my time. The c-section was done start to finish in 45 minutes which I think was fabulous when I read about women who were in labor for 36 hours.

I look at her laying on the blanket here next to me stretching and yawning and often think that I am lucky to be living in this time when my child and I had a chance to live through the process of birth and go home and live relatively normally for the rest of our lives.

[speckledfrog]

I didn't give it too much thought prior to having my baby. My self-esteem/self-worth wasn't tied up in how I delivered.

After I went through labor I couldn't stop talking about it. It was such a different experience, so fast and intense, I very much felt like "I can't believe I did that!" MH very patiently listen to all of my renditions until I had processed it a bit more.

[purplecow0206]

Until I met DH, I was leaning more towards not even having children, simply because childbirth freaked me out. The idea of pushing a 7-8 pound baby out my vagina?! No, thank you!

While I was pregnant, I progressed from not thinking about the end result (until about 35 weeks), being freaked out (after I took a birth class) to being READY TO GET THIS BABY OUT!!!! (at 38 weeks). I didn't have any specific birth plan other than to not eliminate the idea of an epidural and the end result be a healthy baby, but wasn't planning much farther than that.

It was an amazing moment when the baby was on my chest, but empowering wouldn't be what I'd describe it as. It was more a culmination moment than one of empowerment. I was so happy to have her and that everything went as well as it did, but empowerment was the last thing on my mind.