Whom did you tell in the 1st Tri?

[centralsquare]

I've only told my family and two very close friends. I'm trying to think about, "whom would I want to know/wouldn't I mind telling if we lost this baby?" We haven't told DH's family yet, nor many of our friends. 

I know why it's practical to keep it quiet this early, but I definitely had a hard time spending time with a close girlfriend yesterday (who knows we've been trying) and not tell her. 

I'm holding off making crazy big plans or getting ahead of myself with things, because I know it's so tenuous this early. It's hard to balance being excited (WHICH I AM) with not getting too attached this early. I also don't want to be negative or overly cautious. But my close friend and my sister each had a m/c, so I'm realistic about that reality too.

Suggestions/thoughts?

[changedname]

People on TTTC, one friend who was also going through IF treatments so knew my schedule. My 90 yo grandma in case something happened to her before I hit 2nd tri.

We waited until I was 14 weeks for everyone else, I was just too nervous about mc.

[VillainV]

We told:

- Parents and siblings right away (about 4 weeks)
- My boss right away (I'm in the military, and it's required by regulation)
- A few random people I work with who were going to figure it out anyway (about 6 weeks)
- Other family (aunts, uncles, grandparents), friends, and coworkers around 13 weeks
- Facebook announcement around 15 weeks

[centralsquare]

"I'm in the military, and it's required by regulation" <--- VillainV, that is fascinating.

Conversely, my husband will be up for partner at his law firm two weeks before our baby is due. He's considering not telling anyone, lest it influence the decision.

[marie3246]

My family and a few close friends. I wish I would have told a few more friends bc I know they were bummed they found out so late (12 weeks), but I was so scared of miscarriage that I didn't want to risk telling everyone.

[Deleted]

Our families and a few of my very close friends.

[centralsquare]

Jan 24, 2014 9:58:58 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

My family and a few close friends. I wish I would have told a few more friends bc I know they were bummed they found out so late (12 weeks), but I was so scared of miscarriage that I didn't want to risk telling everyone.

I hear that. I know people who have had m/c at 5, 6, 7, and 14 weeks. A colleague had a premature delivery at 20 weeks (and her daughter died.) One of my cousins was a stillbirth at 40w.

And I'm 38. So yeah. I'm nervous. 

[melsamoony]

At this point I have told a lot of people! I told my family when I found out. I knew I would want their support if something happened.

Since having a good OB appt I have gone on to tell other people in my life that are close to me. I had to tell my job because of my position and the changes that are going on in my company right now. We have to think ahead and plan for coverage while I am out and that is going to take some time. I told them after I had my appt.

[missbella]

I told my sister and parents right away, we told DH's parents after we got home from our 1st ultrasound, we told our closest couple friends at about 8 weeks and my grandparents at 9 weeks. We told the rest of our families on Thanksgiving which was about 11.5 weeks. Then after our 12 week appt we started telling everybody else.

It's perfectly normal to want to be cautious. The people I told were people who I would want to know either way but I was still hesitant to tell because I was worried about them telling other people so I made it very clear that it was a secret and would not be public knowledge until after Thanksgiving.

[smock]

We told my mom, sister, and BFF right away (like the day of the BFP), and then told ILs, my dad, and other close friends after we heard the heartbeat (around 8 weeks). Then we went FB public and told work around 13-14 weeks.

[Alwaysabridesmaidf]

My H and 1 co-worker who is 6 weeks pregnant and that is it. With our loss, we didn't tell my family until after the loss and even then it was only a select few people. I think it was best for us.

[theatre4life]

We told my parents when we found out (~5 weeks), and my H's bf (who had a kid last year, and my H was freaking out), my bf figured it out and asked outright, (and I suck at lying) at ~6 weeks. I will tell my sister tonight (~10 weeks) because it's the first time I've seen her (other than New Year's, when we had a whole group of people over) and it seemed weird to tell her over the phone. My H's boss has also figured it out, which is funny because one of his coworkers' (of a shop of 6) wives is also pregnant, due about a month before us.

I will probably tell work on Tuesday, after my appointment on Monday because we need to get some things delegated/figured out. I've left it up to my H to tell his parents, and he hasn't yet. (Though he and his mom have a weird relationship, and she is kind of impossible to talk to. I joked about sending her a mother's day card with the sono in it. Mean, but the only way to get a word in edgewise with her. Or we can tell her over e-mail. ) I am pretty convinced my FIL's gf knows, but isn't saying anything until we do. (We see them every weekend for football...)

[timorousbeastie]

No one. We didn't tell parents until somewhere around 15 weeks, work at maybe 17 weeks, and no one else until sometime after 20 weeks. That took some very strategic clothing choice, as I was definitely showing by that point!

If you're comfortable telling early, then do it. I know that, for me, waiting so ridiculously long to tell even close friends was hard because there was no one I could be excited with.

[dana2006]

I think TTTC found out before my H did. I did ivf and the nurse called with the blood test result. I tried calling him but only got voicemail. So I posted on TTTC. Then my brother called me out of the blue. He's the first irl person I talked to after finding out so I told him. I asked him to give me a few days to wait for more blood tests before I tell our parents. He spilled the beans to them that evening. They in turn told our entire extended family before I was even 6 weeks. lol. It was out of control.

We told my ILs at 6 weeks during Thanksgiving, as well as our Sunday school class. These are all people that we'd be leaning on for support should anything happen. I also told 3 of my best friends, who knew about our IF struggles. One of them lectured me on how it's not a good idea to tell before 2nd tri. Hers was definitely the most bizarre reaction I've encountered.

We told the rest of our friends and my work at 13 weeks.

[narockshard]

We didn't tell anyone at all (well, my husband told a couple people that would not tell anyone, but I didn't tell a soul) until we had our first appointment with the doctor and heard the heartbeat at 11 weeks. It was SO hard but I couldn't bear the thought of having to tell people if I had had a m/c.

[radical]

First m/c - we told a lot of people. Our parents right away. Friends. All other family members. Found out we lost the baby at our 10 weeks appt.

Second m/c - didn't tell a sole. Only H and I knew and we are so glad we kept it that way. Naturally m/c around 5-6 weeks.

This pg - I'm almost 9w and no one know but H and I. We have another appt when I'm 11w. After that, we will tell our parents and a couple close friends. No one else is finding out till probably my next appt or till I can't hid the fatness anymore.

I'm kinda a rare case with 2 losses though. Breaking their hearts with another m/c is just not something we want to do so we keep everything to ourselves right now. It's working and we avoid situations that make people question me.

[kershnic]

People who knew immediately:
My sister
The internet

At 13w:
Our parents
Our closest friends

At 16w:
Work
Extended family, gradually

At 26w:
Facebook

[catsarecute]

My best friend, who knew 2 minutes after I got the positive test. A few coworkers because I had a spotting scare and was freaked out at work. We told our immediate families after our first appointment at 7 weeks. DH's coworkers knew as did a close friend who he also works with. I also told my cousin at 9 weeks because I had lunch with her and needed to make alternate food choices. I thought she would be suspicious.

I think that was about it. We waited until 12 weeks and our NT scan to share the news on FB, with extended family and 99% of our friends.

[bubbles]

We told our parents, my grandma and my sister the day we found out, around 4 weeks. We told H's grandma's and aunt about two days ago, 5 weeks. We'll wait until after the first trimester to tell my boss or do a big grand announcement.

[rbp]

Jan 24, 2014 9:58:58 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

My family and a few close friends. I wish I would have told a few more friends bc I know they were bummed they found out so late (12 weeks), but I was so scared of miscarriage that I didn't want to risk telling everyone.

12 weeks is not late.

[centralsquare]

^^ eh, I kind of felt that way about a really good friend who didn't share until 12 weeks. I totally understand it, and I was over it in a hot minute. But it did cross my mind. I don't think it's unusual to be a little sad you weren't in the secret from the beginning.

If they are actually mad, there's a problem. But a flash of disappointment, then being thrilled doesn't seem that bad.

[starlily]

We told our families.

I also told my 2 BFFs and my nestie besties.

[sh10]

The day I took the test we told my ILs, one BIL, and two of DH's cousins because it was the 4th of July weekend and we planned to drink a lot that weekend and there was no way I could hide it. I called my sisters two days later and told them, since I'll be 34 weeks at my sister's wedding.

We told our friends from church and a few close friends around 6-8 weeks, we wanted their support if something happened. I told a lot of girlfriends from my sports team at 10 weeks, just after the ultrasound, cause it was our last game of the season.

We told my dad/stepmom and mom at 12 weeks, since I wanted to do it in person, and because they would have told my entire hometown immediately. We went facebook official the next day, because I figured with that much family knowing, someone would spill and I wanted to do a fun announcement because I'm an AW.

[VillainV]

Jan 24, 2014 9:55:00 GMT -5 centralsquare said:

"I'm in the military, and it's required by regulation" <--- VillainV, that is fascinating.

Conversely, my husband will be up for partner at his law firm two weeks before our baby is due. He's considering not telling anyone, lest it influence the decision.

Yep, we have to notify our boss/supervisor within 24 hours of getting a confirmation of a positive pregnancy test.  I would have had to tell my boss anyway because my job involves hazards and I can't do my primary duties while pregnant, so I had to be moved to desk duty immediately.  We also get excused from fitness testing while pregnant. 

[jewel]

I told TTTC after my first good beta.

I'm 8 weeks, and so far we've told one close set of friends who were just getting started with IF treatment (and they live several states away, so no chance of them running into someone and slipping up).

That's it so far. I might tell my mom in the next few weeks, and maybe another close set of friends. Everyone else will probably be around 12-15 weeks. I just want it to be out there to everyone at once, so I don't have to worry about anyone spilling secrets.

[ringstrue]

Only DH knows right now.

I'll tell my family when we get the u/s next week. I'll be 8+ weeks.

[rbp]

Jan 24, 2014 12:34:54 GMT -5 oceanspray said:

Jan 24, 2014 12:20:13 GMT -5 centralsquare said:

^^ eh, I kind of felt that way about a really good friend who didn't share until 12 weeks. I totally understand it, and I was over it in a hot minute. But it did cross my mind. I don't think it's unusual to be a little sad you weren't in the secret from the beginning.

If they are actually mad, there's a problem. But a flash of disappointment, then being thrilled doesn't seem that bad.

That's a good point.  I guess I'm the weird one here because it wouldn't even occur to me to be bummed that I didn't know right away.

I would never expect to know about a pregnancy at 4w unless I was the spouse. 

[rbp]

To answer the OP, I'm 13w tomorrow. We told our immediate families at 8-9w, I told work at 11w, and we are telling close friends and extended family now. I would have waited to tell work, but we are drawing up the schedule for fall classes today, and it seemed disingenuous to go along pretending like I'd be teaching in the fall.

[gerberdaisy]

I'm 10 weeks tomorrow and we've told probably more people that I care to have. Our parents and siblings all found out within a week of us finding out cause there was no way we could hide this around christmas then going on vacation with my family for a week. I told 2 of my friends around the same time because they were home visiting, he has told most of his friends.

My parents didn't tell anyone until a few days ago and have told a couple of people. I have an appointment in 2 weeks and will tell more people after that. Work, not for another month.

[sunshine608]

My parents/siblings and H's parents and siblings @ 5 weeks with the BFP
I told one co-workers/friend @ 8 weeks and my boss at 10 weeks because I was sick
Everyone else I waited until 12 weeks to tell.

My H told everyone he was around and his friends when he found out ( @ 5 weeks).  I knew this would happen because he can't hold water . He has just left for a job overseas the week before I tested and felt that his people needed to know so they wouldn't tease him if he announced it weeks later. ( As in your wife got pg while you were gone. Apparently this is a common thing to tease about on this male dominated traveling work team)- whatever.

ETA: I did have one friend who was upset that I waited to 12 weeks. The funny thing is I though she of all people would understand b/c she called at 8 weeks when she found out she had a m/c  and she didn't announce her other pg to me until 12 weeks as well. I figured she would understand my reasoning with waiting