I need gentle advice, perspective, etc Update in OP

[katb]

I think I just might want assurances that this too will pass, sigh..

How do you handle an 18 yr old that lives in your house but wants to live by their own rules?  This is hard guys.  I don't want this argument to turn into something it shouldn't be, but it has already escalated into something bigger than it should.

Said 18 yr old skipped all her classes today at college.  Second day of Class!!!  to be with her boyfriend, ugh!!  She came home, we talked, told her she has to stay in tonight.  She said that was fair and she was sorry.  She went in to take a shower.  Came out about an hour later and said she was leaving.  She said she is 18 I can't make her stay.  I don't know what the change in attitude was.  I stood in her way, and told her not to make it like this.  She did something that was not okay and her consequence was she had to stay in for the night.

After 20 minutes of her arguing, crying, etc  I walked away.  Her boyfriend picked her up.  I took her car key away as that it is in our name.

I don't want to turn this into get out of my house type thing.   She has been neglectful of her household chores and responsibilities for the past month or so - that is constant aggravation.
I am constantly struggling with boundaries and what is a big deal, what isn't.  I can handle a toddler any day of the week, but this teen is stressful.

Please this is hard for me because I had a shitty teenage and young adulthood with no support and I try  to do the right thing.  I am trying to give her the advantages I didn't have without giving her too much.  She pays for the car payment and gas, we provide everything else - insurance, tuition, books, phone, etc.  She is supposed to have chores to help pay for the phone as well as contribute to the family and that is what has been on the downslope the past month or so.

So can someone wave a magic wand and fix this?  Or give me perspective?  I am trying not to cry right now because my twins can see me from the living room and I don't want them to know I am upset. 




Update:  Thank you everyone.  Sometimes it is hard to hear that you are being overbearing.  I did do some soul searching and realize I so treat my other kids with realistic discipline but with my oldest, the consequences seemed so extreme - they aren't and that is the way she will learn.  We talked and discussed expectations and responsibilities and came up with a list.  I took some of the chores away and she will pay her phone in cash.   I also gave her that I am not going to check on her anymore - if she fails school, I will not pay anymore and she will pay me back.  If no school, working full time and rent.  We discussed and agreed on appropriate consequences for not following through with the expectations of the home.
The curfew is midnight, unless discussed.  I have younger children in the home and where her room is in proximity to the twins, it wakes them up at times.  We briefly discussed switching all the rooms around and it may work out.

[LLL]

are you paying for her college? 

[katb]

Jan 28, 2014 22:55:05 GMT -5 LLL said:

are you paying for her college? 

Yes

[joenali]

If she doesn't attend class, her tuition doesn't get paid. If she lives by her own rules in your house, it's time for her own place. This is supporting her and helping her. Maybe when she is on her own she'll realize that what she had was good and maybe she'll want to attend school then.

My parents paid for my first quarter of school, I rarely went. I was on my own from then on. It was the best thing they could have done for me.

[ElizabethBennet]

If she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to start acting like it. If you are paying for her school then she needs to contribute in some way (pay rent, housework, etc).

I'd give her x amount of time to shape up and then tell her that you won't be paying for school if her behavior continues.

[shopgirl07]

It sucks to watch your kids make bad decisions. Is this a new boyfriend? Hopefully she'll come to her senses soon.

[kirra]

Jan 28, 2014 22:55:47 GMT -5 katb said:

Jan 28, 2014 22:55:05 GMT -5 LLL said:

are you paying for her college? 

Yes

Then if she skips, you don't pay for the next semester.

[sonrisa]

Can you pick a time this weekend, when this issue isn't fresh and raw, and sit down with her to talk about terms. She can have x, y and z for privileges but her responsibilities are p, q and r. No living arrangement comes without obligations - rent, mortgage, chores, whatever. You would like her to continue to live with you through her studies if she would like but you need her to be respectful of you and fulfill her obligations. Not a "my way or the highway" discussion. You can talk about expectations and consequences but in a cooperative tone. After all, what is more cooperative than all the great advantages you are giving her? She needs to come through on her end as well. 

This was one day of bad decisions. Give her a chance to learn from it and do what she ought to. Black and white ultimatums just push teens into a corner.

[Deleted]

What are you paying for? College? Health insurance? Phone? Gas? Car insurance? Start shutting that shit down. Do you have an agreement about school vs. a job? If she's not going to go to school is she expected to pay rent or other costs of daily living? She should.

[margotmacomber]

I would not continue paying for anything.  If she is such an adult then she will act like one.  Or get out.  I fully intend to hard line my DD this way as well.  She's 3 though, so I really have no place in this discussion.  But right now my SELF says oh fuck no.

[fezzik]

I would say your house, your rules unless she starts paying rent to you and paying for her tuition. If she starts paying her own way and continues to skip school and not contribute, then it's on her.

[Deleted]

Does she understand that she is limiting her life options if she doesn't do well in school?

I think I would have a really calm discussion how she is an adult, but you are working hard to support her and in exchange for your sweat and money, you expect her to take school seriously.

Personally, I would totally talk to my therapist about it. But I love going to the therapist and find it really helpful in resolving stressful situations.

[psychmom]

Hand her a bill for EV.ERY.THING.

water, electric, food, school, trash, rent. Any services you provide: meal preparation, laundry, cleaning, ect.

She can be a grown up all she wants. ...

[EmilieMadison]

If this is an ongoing issue that is getting worse, I would say that you need to tell her that either she goes to class, or you dont pay. You could pay for it if she gets at least a 3.0 per semester. If it drops below that, then she has to pay for that semester.

Is there any reason she isn't living on campus? 18 year olds want freedom, NEED freedom, and have to learn how to manage their time and responsibilities. That's hard to do when they're still at home, and its hard for parents to change their perspective on their kid not still being in HS when they're still at home.

Or, maybe she's not ready for school. Could she get a job and get an apartment with a roommate and get some real world experience?

[goaskalice]

She can't live in your house without respect for you and your rules as the parent of the house. It sucks, but their needs to be some tough love given out right now.

[Deleted]

If she lives in your house she goes by our rules. Anything else is just letting her walk all over you. If you are paying for her college and she isn't going, stop paying. She needs the consequences of her actions, and she isn't getting any by you paying for her classes.

[LLL]

skipping classes happens. I know I skipped a few (many) while I was in undergrad but I was on campus not living with my parents. I think if she's still living at home and being financially supported by you, there is an element of independence that she sacrifices. She should respect you enough to follow the rules of your home. 
((Good luck))

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Eh, I'd probably blame the neighbors for her poor decision-making skills.

[blueballoon]

Maybe it's time for her to move out? I think most 18+ year old should be mostly independent.

[katb]

Jan 28, 2014 23:03:45 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

What were her consequences for the drinking incident? That must still be fresh.

 2 weeks of lockdown.  She just got her car back last Thursday for school.

She lives at home because she is at the community college because she is going for her Paramedic/LPN.  It is a 2 yr program.  Honestly we couldn't afford to send her away.  We "make" too much to qualify for anything but loans and while academically solid, she did not qualify for any scholarships.  She graduated with a 3.2 taking a few AP courses and mostly Honors.

[gretchenindisguise]

Go Cliff Huxtable on her ass.

[margotmacomber]

Jan 28, 2014 23:05:05 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Eh, I'd probably blame the neighbors for her poor decision-making skills.

</3  I don't even remember the OP to that but seriously...I'm going to be the mean mom and I am A OK with that.  

[joenali]

Jan 28, 2014 23:09:24 GMT -5 katb said:

Jan 28, 2014 23:03:45 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

What were her consequences for the drinking incident? That must still be fresh.

 2 weeks of lockdown.  She just got her car back last Thursday for school.

She lives at home because she is at the community college because she is going for her Paramedic/LPN.  It is a 2 yr program.  Honestly we couldn't afford to send her away.  We "make" too much to qualify for anything but loans and while academically solid, she did not qualify for any scholarships.  She graduated with a 3.2 taking a few AP courses and mostly Honors.

If she doesn't go. Don't pay. It's time for her to start paying her way in school. Like someone mentioned, she may not be ready for school. I see nothing wrong with younger adults taking some time away from school to work and live on their own. Once they have been on their own for awhile and you can no longer claim as a dependent, maybe then she can get her own loans etc and go back to school.

[sparkythelawyer]

Oh honey. You stood in front of the door?

Aren't you also the one who wanted to lecture your neighbors about your daughter drinking?

She sounds very immature. But you also sound bound and determined to refuse to let her learn any lesson on her own. Your role needs to start to transition here too.

[cbwm1]

I like the idea of handing her a bill for EVERYTHING you pay for ("rent", food, utilities, tuition, etc). And tell her that if she doesn't start taking her shit seriously, you're done.

GL!

[katb]

Jan 28, 2014 23:12:38 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Oh honey. You stood in front of the door?

Aren't you also the one who wanted to lecture your neighbors about your daughter drinking?

She sounds very immature. But you also sound bound and determined to refuse to let her learn any lesson on her own. Your role needs to start to transition here too.

You may be right.  Raising kids isn't easy, and I don't have the answers.  I don't want her to have to experience the things I did, but maybe it is time.  I struggle with that

[pantsparty]

She sounds immature and like she doesn't appreciate/understand the advantages you are trying to give to her.

Unfortunately you can't force someone to perceive value. Some people have to learn on their own, and some of that is through failing.

I would circle back with rules and consequences for breaking the rules. Can't follow the rules? She's an adult and she's free to move out any time. Living on your own will force you into some pretty quick life lessons.

[kwynn]

During college, all my siblings and I lived at home at some point, as did my BIL.

Things were totally different around our place and I'm really surprised at the answers here.

My parents did not pay for school, but we could live in their home for free and work and pay for school ourselves.

They paid health insurance, we paid for our own cell phones, car insurance. We got an old crappy car we had since HS - we had to buy our own gas, books, etc.

BUT it was great because mom and dad had no say in whether or not we went to class, how late we stayed out, and we were not expected to do chores for the family - just for ourselves, as we would in a dorm or apartment.

I actually think it's a little unfair to expect a college student to go to class and check up on that like she's in high school. Same with chores - I'd be all "wash your own dishes" "do your own laundry" but I wouldn't expect her to be cleaning up after a dog or whatever that would be outside of a dorm situation.

I'd just say "Listen, you can live here for free as long as you are in school or working. We will pay for school as long as you are passing. It's your choice how you want to do things. If you fail a semester, we aren't paying for the next one. There will be an X month grace period where, if you are not in school or working but are looking, we will permit that, but after X months, you will need to move out. We care about you. Also, we do realize you need more independence. We will no longer restrict you from coming or going, etc"

In the meantime, I'd officially sell her the car and get that part separated out from you. OR I'd stop giving her a car and make her buy a beater car.

[Saint Monica]

Idk, I'm torn.  Sometimes one needs a mental health day. Kolleges give you a number of classes that you can miss before you faces consequences.  How is she as a student in general?  I think she should work part time. I also think that she should pay 'rent', phone, utilities,  etc but make it a very low amount.  It provides a reality.  In turn, you cannot treat her like a kid.  

[Saint Monica]

I think it is important to put any agreement into writing and for both of you to sign.

I hated the power game my parents tried to play with me with respect to money. It created a constant fear about stability.