Unit Events (vent)

[audette]

Just venting... It's annoyed me at darn near every base we've been at, and I'm frustrated again by it...


DH's unit is having a fun day/potluck/family day thing tomorrow.

Kinda cool, right?


Except, it's on Friday, during regular working hours.


DH has been with this unit for about a year now. They have had one family event outside of regular business hours in that year. There have been a fair number of day-time ones, though. None of which I can attend, because they conflict with my work schedule.


I might get to go to _part_ of this one, only because they've decided to have it at a park that is only 2 miles from my office. I may be able to take a long lunch and head over there for a bit. If tomorrow doesn't turn into a busy day. Those are hard to predict...


I feel bad, because I know almost no one that DH works with, or any of their families. And yet, it seems my only option is this situation, or to take time off work to attend more family things.

Blargh.

[basilosaurus]

I would find that lovely b/c then I'd have an excuse not to go. I went to H's (Friday) event this year and wished I could have stayed home. They're so boring/kid focused. I don't really care to get to know spouses or coworkers beyond putting a face to a name.

[nsl]

I'm the only wife in H's department who both works outside the home and has children. It's been years since I've attended any spouse's gatherings, and I only go to the evening events that are mandatory. It's just too difficult to make friends with people given how different my life is from theirs. I'm close to several of H's coworkers who are also moms, though.

[brandienee]

Jul 5, 2012 17:28:03 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

I would find that lovely b/c then I'd have an excuse not to go. I went to H's (Friday) event this year and wished I could have stayed home. They're so boring/kid focused. I don't really care to get to know spouses or coworkers beyond putting a face to a name.

Amen.

There are a few spouses that I really like, but we hangout outside of command sponsored events.

[NomadicMama]

I understand your frustration. You want to attend, but are unable to most of the time.

The flip side is that to have a "mandatory fun" activity during non-work hours takes away from family time (and folks would vent about that). If it's during non-work hours and is optional, very few would attend. Sounds like they are catering to the majority.

[audette]

Jul 6, 2012 1:20:58 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

I understand your frustration. You want to attend, but are unable to most of the time.

The flip side is that to have a "mandatory fun" activity during non-work hours takes away from family time (and folks would vent about that). If it's during non-work hours and is optional, very few would attend. Sounds like they are catering to the majority.

I understand the reasoning. And it makes sense.

On the other hand, there is a very strong undertone that I am not supposed to miss these events. I've actually been half-assed called out on it before, when I have been able to make it to an event. It marks me, and DH, as the odd ones out. And, frankly, it reinforces the image that the military doesn't want spouses to work - the implication is that I _should_ be available. It's hard enough to keep something resembling a career going thru the moves we have to make. Taking time off for events like this would only make it harder.

[NomadicMama]

Jul 6, 2012 9:32:42 GMT -5 audette said:

Jul 6, 2012 1:20:58 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

I understand your frustration. You want to attend, but are unable to most of the time.

The flip side is that to have a "mandatory fun" activity during non-work hours takes away from family time (and folks would vent about that). If it's during non-work hours and is optional, very few would attend. Sounds like they are catering to the majority.

I understand the reasoning. And it makes sense.

On the other hand, there is a very strong undertone that I am not supposed to miss these events. I've actually been half-assed called out on it before, when I have been able to make it to an event. It marks me, and DH, as the odd ones out. And, frankly, it reinforces the image that the military doesn't want spouses to work - the implication is that I _should_ be available. It's hard enough to keep something resembling a career going thru the moves we have to make. Taking time off for events like this would only make it harder.

It sucks that they call you out on it (or make you feel that way) and that there is the expectation that you will attend. What is this? 1950? It is damn hard to keep a professional career afloat when you move frequently and for those who have made it work should, if not be supported, at least not be (or feel) penalized. And the double standard--if you were a man, married to a female soldier, the expectations would be different. I understand why you are frustrated.

[booyah]

If they have them after duty hours, no one comes. Period. I also work full time and I miss lots of these, but I've been in and around the military long enough to know that most spouses do not work and most people will not go after hours. That's just the way it is. Do you really want your spouse's commander to make it mandatory after-hours? Because that is the only way he/she will get people to come on their off-duty time.

[audette]

Jul 6, 2012 13:14:59 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

It sucks that they call you out on it (or make you feel that way) and that there is the expectation that you will attend. What is this? 1950? It is damn hard to keep a professional career afloat when you move frequently and for those who have made it work should, if not be supported, at least not be (or feel) penalized. And the double standard--if you were a man, married to a female soldier, the expectations would be different. I understand why you are frustrated.

Literally called out. Thankfully, only a couple times, but back at DH's last unit the commander's wife made numerous comments about me missing things (and it happened pretty much every time I did make it to something, so made those few occassions much less enjoyable). After we moved here, I got a couple comments from the CO's wife at one of the evening spouse activities I was able to get to after we arrived here, too, and those made me expect I'd see similar here.


I realize it's tough to get people together after hours. And, thankfully, I generally can find friends outside of the unit so I'm not totally isolated. But, really, the overall impression I keep getting is that the Army wants me to be a 1950's stay at home wife that has nothing better to do than keep house, have babies, and be utterly dependent on my husband for everything. I know that isn't really want is being set out as the desired state, but the policies, assumptions, and general interactions lead to that conclusion, regardless of what is being said. Actions speak louder than words in this regard.

[basilosaurus]

I'm fine with events being during the day when your average working spouse can't go. I'm just not ok with treatment like audette has gotten.

Also, lol to anything ever being mandatory for a spouse. They don't own me; I never signed a contract. I'll go for H's benefit, if he really thinks it's important, but I'll never go b/c someone else tells me it's mandatory.

When I was in Korea, even H's commander would laugh and tell me to skip as many things as I could get away with, and I certainly was unemployed there. They all acknowledge that these events suck, and if they had an excuse, they wouldn't go either. Me saying that I didn't want to dress up in the snow was a more than good enough excuse Then again, I did go to most things b/c there was nothing else to do.