Talk to me about going from 3 kids to 4.

[whereintheworld]

Note - this is an old convo I'm bumping up again, asking for updates and seeing if anyone else wants to chime in!

Can anyone share thoughts on going from 3 to 4 kids?
I would like to keep the option open to possibly have a fourth in about 3 years.  Some days I feel really done because we're in the trenches with 3 small kids, but part of me really feels we're not all here.   I am giving myself at least 2-3 years to just think about it because I don't know if I'll want to start over at the baby stage at that point with a 4 yo, 5.5 yo and 7 yo.  I'm 27 now and H is 30.

Would love to hear from anyone with 4! 

[dcrunnergirl52]

I don't have any advice, but I'm going to follow this post, since I am having the same exact thoughts. The only difference is that I'm going to be 38 this year, so time is ticking.

[whereintheworld]

Going to tag Marmee because she's the only one I can think of off the top of my head that has 4!

[Deleted]

Do you even notice at that point? Lol. I'm one of four and #4 is, by all accounts, my parents' best work. GL

[Marmee]

I had my 4th at 37 so you've got time. . My DD4 is super high maintenance but it's been fun having her (aside from the sleep). I'm glad I waited a bit & had almost 4rs between DD3 & 4. I needed the break after #3. My oldest 2 (ages 7 & 9 now) are an amazing help & make things so much easier for me. I love having an even number (some weird hang up I have) & finally really do feel totally content now (even though I never had a boy). It's a lot of fun. I will say the costs are growing & it'll be pretty staggering with food, activities, travel, bigger cars, education in the long run. But I'm confident we'll manage just fine. I'm slightly sad DD4 will be in a bit different stage than the others due to the age gap...she'll still be in early elementary when DD1 goes off to college which is a bit freaky. DD1 is halfway to adulthood & it's gone SO fast, the selfish part of me is glad we have a baby to drag on the kid years longer...we really, really enjoy the chaos & challenge of kids. Anyway, it's not a 'huge' adjustment, it's more of the same with the added challenge of juggling 6 schedules. Good luck on your decision!

[Deleted]

I will be having my 4th in about a week, hopefully. I have several friends that have 4+ children, including one that just had #7 a few months ago, and they have all felt positive about the changes. When I had #3 it didn't take me long to realize that I just wasn't done. I think DH thought we were, but he has come around to my way of thinking. I am certain that we are done at 4 but just didn't think 3 was our number.
My friends with 4+ have all said that the transition from 2-3 was much harder than 3-4. Yes, the first weeks/months are hard and the toddler stage is, well, the toddler stage so that can be tricky. I have been told that by the time you get to #4 your first child is old enough to be of assistance to themself and you and that makes a world of difference. DS1 is 7 and he makes his own sandwich for lunch, cleans his own room, does his chores of unloading the dishwasher and taking out the recycling without too much trouble, and is generally a great kid to have around.
I will try to think of the other moms that have 4, though I know there aren't many. Also, if I remember, I will give an update in a few months when I fully understand what it means to have 4.

[Marmee]

Feb 8, 2014 18:25:43 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Do you even notice at that point? Lol. I'm one of four and #4 is, by all accounts, my parents' best work. GL

Lol...oh yes you notice, if your baby is a little shit that doesn't sleep & demands constant attention you do.  But she's freakin adorable so there is that.

[whereintheworld]

Feb 8, 2014 18:27:29 GMT -5 @forcuatro said:

I will be having my 4th in about a week, hopefully. I have several friends that have 4+ children, including one that just had #7 a few months ago, and they have all felt positive about the changes. When I had #3 it didn't take me long to realize that I just wasn't done. I think DH thought we were, but he has come around to my way of thinking. I am certain that we are done at 4 but just didn't think 3 was our number.
My friends with 4+ have all said that the transition from 2-3 was much harder than 3-4. Yes, the first weeks/months are hard and the toddler stage is, well, the toddler stage so that can be tricky. I have been told that by the time you get to #4 your first child is old enough to be of assistance to themself and you and that makes a world of difference. DS1 is 7 and he makes his own sandwich for lunch, cleans his own room, does his chores of unloading the dishwasher and taking out the recycling without too much trouble, and is generally a great kid to have around.
I will try to think of the other moms that have 4, though I know there aren't many. Also, if I remember, I will give an update in a few months when I fully understand what it means to have 4.

Thank you, that would be wonderful!  It would be so great to hear your experience especially because we'd be looking at a similar age spread with my oldest being around 7. 

Good luck to you in the coming weeks/months as you welcome baby #4!

[whereintheworld]

Feb 8, 2014 18:25:46 GMT -5 Marmee said:

I had my 4th at 37 so you've got time. . My DD4 is super high maintenance but it's been fun having her (aside from the sleep). I'm glad I waited a bit & had almost 4rs between DD3 & 4. I needed the break after #3. My oldest 2 (ages 7 & 9 now) are an amazing help & make things so much easier for me. I love having an even number (some weird hang up I have) & finally really do feel totally content now (even though I never had a boy). It's a lot of fun. I will say the costs are growing & it'll be pretty staggering with food, activities, travel, bigger cars, education in the long run. But I'm confident we'll manage just fine. I'm slightly sad DD4 will be in a bit different stage than the others due to the age gap...she'll still be in early elementary when DD1 goes off to college which is a bit freaky. DD1 is halfway to adulthood & it's gone SO fast, the selfish part of me is glad we have a baby to drag on the kid years longer...we really, really enjoy the chaos & challenge of kids. Anyway, it's not a 'huge' adjustment, it's more of the same with the added challenge of juggling 6 schedules. Good luck on your decision!

I feel the same way that I need a break after #3, so it's interesting to hear that you also took a longer break between 3 and 4.  I worry a bit about them being in different 'stages' like you say, since my first 3 are all quite close (19 months then 15 months) and now I'm looking at 3-4 years.  I completely agree with your statement about enjoying the chaos & challenge of kids.  Thank you for your insight!

[Deleted]

Feb 8, 2014 18:33:12 GMT -5 whereintheworld said:

Feb 8, 2014 18:27:29 GMT -5 @forcuatro said:

I will be having my 4th in about a week, hopefully. I have several friends that have 4+ children, including one that just had #7 a few months ago, and they have all felt positive about the changes. When I had #3 it didn't take me long to realize that I just wasn't done. I think DH thought we were, but he has come around to my way of thinking. I am certain that we are done at 4 but just didn't think 3 was our number.
My friends with 4+ have all said that the transition from 2-3 was much harder than 3-4. Yes, the first weeks/months are hard and the toddler stage is, well, the toddler stage so that can be tricky. I have been told that by the time you get to #4 your first child is old enough to be of assistance to themself and you and that makes a world of difference. DS1 is 7 and he makes his own sandwich for lunch, cleans his own room, does his chores of unloading the dishwasher and taking out the recycling without too much trouble, and is generally a great kid to have around.
I will try to think of the other moms that have 4, though I know there aren't many. Also, if I remember, I will give an update in a few months when I fully understand what it means to have 4.

Thank you, that would be wonderful!  It would be so great to hear your experience especially because we'd be looking at a similar age spread with my oldest being around 7. 

Good luck to you in the coming weeks/months as you welcome baby #4!

Will do.
Also, I did a search trying to think of who else had 4 and SpartanGirl does and I swear there is one more that is slipping my mind. Darn pregnancy brain!

[barefootcontessa]

I have five children, ages seven on down, all single births. I see your oldest is 4 -- you will be at the age soon where that child can help with younger siblings. I love having a larger family. Each child is so different with different interests and talents. It has been (and still is) a lot of work but as the children get older they are able to contribute more (as PP mentioned), which I think is a good thing. It is definitely chaotic but I enjoy having the kids running around. I feel like motherhood has really stretched me and help me grow as a person, and also really strengthened our marriage. My DH and I are definitely a team. The main advice I have (which I need to remind myself) is to be intentional with each child. For example, we try to do a special outing with each child once a month.

[SpartanGirl]

We always talked about having 4 kids but after #3 was born we were sort of on the fence. We liked the idea of it, but weren't sure if we could handle it. We figured we had lots of time and then ... whoops, pregnant. lol! #3 was only about 7ish months old when we found out we were expecting #4. In a way, I'm glad we didn't really have time to overthink it, but there are challenges to the youngest 2 being so close in age (15 months apart).

I can't imagine our lives without 4 kids. It sounds sort cheesy but honestly our family always feels so full. Certainly there was work adding a 4th, but not like there was when we had the others. I think by the third you're really just good at managing more than one kid at a time. You know that kids are going to have to wait their turns, you know that things are going to be loud and that you probably will never be on time again. Adding one more didn't really change our daily lives. It sounds terrible to say that I lowered my expectations when the 4th came, but that's what happened. Maybe a better way to say it is that we learned to focus on the stuff that really mattered - didn't sweat the small stuff and all that.

I can't answer if a 4th is right for you, but if your only hesitation is in how hard it will be to manage 4 kids, I'd say don't let that hold you back. There are days that I can't imagine how hard it would be to have less than 4 kids because they really do have built in playmates and the oldest kids really do help the little ones.

I absolutely love having 4 kids and all of the chaos and noise that goes with it.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Feb 8, 2014 23:26:13 GMT -5 SpartanGirl said:

We always talked about having 4 kids but after #3 was born we were sort of on the fence. We liked the idea of it, but weren't sure if we could handle it. We figured we had lots of time and then ... whoops, pregnant. lol! #3 was only about 7ish months old when we found out we were expecting #4. In a way, I'm glad we didn't really have time to overthink it, but there are challenges to the youngest 2 being so close in age (15 months apart).

I can't imagine our lives without 4 kids. It sounds sort cheesy but honestly our family always feels so full. Certainly there was work adding a 4th, but not like there was when we had the others. I think by the third you're really just good at managing more than one kid at a time. You know that kids are going to have to wait their turns, you know that things are going to be loud and that you probably will never be on time again. Adding one more didn't really change our daily lives. It sounds terrible to say that I lowered my expectations when the 4th came, but that's what happened. Maybe a better way to say it is that we learned to focus on the stuff that really mattered - didn't sweat the small stuff and all that.

I can't answer if a 4th is right for you, but if your only hesitation is in how hard it will be to manage 4 kids, I'd say don't let that hold you back. There are days that I can't imagine how hard it would be to have less than 4 kids because they really do have built in playmates and the oldest kids really do help the little ones.

I absolutely love having 4 kids and all of the chaos and noise that goes with it.

I love everything you said here, especially the part about the chaos and the noise. DH and I thrive best in chaos, despite both being introverts. Also, someone recently told me (and maybe I also read this in this post) that they look in the backseat of their car where the 3 kids sit, and it just feels like someone is missing. I'm feeling like that more and more recently. I just wish I wasn't so old and that we had more time (I'll be 38 in November).

[SpartanGirl]

Feb 9, 2014 5:54:07 GMT -5 dcrunnergirl52 said:

Feb 8, 2014 23:26:13 GMT -5 SpartanGirl said:

We always talked about having 4 kids but after #3 was born we were sort of on the fence. We liked the idea of it, but weren't sure if we could handle it. We figured we had lots of time and then ... whoops, pregnant. lol! #3 was only about 7ish months old when we found out we were expecting #4. In a way, I'm glad we didn't really have time to overthink it, but there are challenges to the youngest 2 being so close in age (15 months apart).

I can't imagine our lives without 4 kids. It sounds sort cheesy but honestly our family always feels so full. Certainly there was work adding a 4th, but not like there was when we had the others. I think by the third you're really just good at managing more than one kid at a time. You know that kids are going to have to wait their turns, you know that things are going to be loud and that you probably will never be on time again. Adding one more didn't really change our daily lives. It sounds terrible to say that I lowered my expectations when the 4th came, but that's what happened. Maybe a better way to say it is that we learned to focus on the stuff that really mattered - didn't sweat the small stuff and all that.

I can't answer if a 4th is right for you, but if your only hesitation is in how hard it will be to manage 4 kids, I'd say don't let that hold you back. There are days that I can't imagine how hard it would be to have less than 4 kids because they really do have built in playmates and the oldest kids really do help the little ones.

I absolutely love having 4 kids and all of the chaos and noise that goes with it.

I love everything you said here, especially the part about the chaos and the noise. DH and I thrive best in chaos, despite both being introverts. Also, someone recently told me (and maybe I also read this in this post) that they look in the backseat of their car where the 3 kids sit, and it just feels like someone is missing. I'm feeling like that more and more recently. I just wish I wasn't so old and that we had more time (I'll be 38 in November).

Before we had #4, I used to count the kids when we were out and I always felt like someone was missing.  I finally felt like our family was complete when my youngest got here.

And FWIW, I don't think 38 is old. 

[Deleted]

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread! I will be joining to mom of 4 club in May and do not know anyone in real life that has more than 3 kids. I did not feel complete after #3 and although #4 surprised us, we always knew we would have 4 kids at some point.

[mrslisa]

We have 4 and probably aren't done. I got lucky and DD3 is very easy going. She sleeps well and doesn't need a schedule. She is entertained just by watching the other kids. It is very different only having one baby since the kids are more independent. I get to snuggle her more and enjoy the baby stuff. I always wanted a big family and #4 has fit right into our family.

[holly116]

DH and I originally said we wanted four children. Then we thought we could be done after two . Two under two is no joke.

Baby #3 (19 months after #2...) was a surprise and I spent my whole pregnancy convinced that he was it. And now, now I'm pretty sure they'll be a fourth but I need a minute lol. We are SO in the trenches but.. We're not complete just yet. Thank you for this thread.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Feb 9, 2014 19:34:23 GMT -5 holly116 said:

DH and I originally said we wanted four children. Then we thought we could be done after two . Two under two is no joke.

Baby #3 (19 months after #2...) was a surprise and I spent my whole pregnancy convinced that he was it. And now, now I'm pretty sure they'll be a fourth but I need a minute lol. We are SO in the trenches but.. We're not complete just yet. Thank you for this thread.

I hear you on being in the trenches. Three kids 3 years old and under is tough work. Like you said, I need a minute too.  

[whereintheworld]

Bumping this back up because I am STILL thinking of baby #4 and can't shake it - DH is in the same spot.

We are thinking we'd go for it early next year so when baby is born my older kids would be 7, 5.5 and 4.

@forcuatro - how're you doing with your family of 4? That's a similar spacing to what you have, right?

[dcrunnergirl52]

Jul 9, 2015 9:39:03 GMT -5 whereintheworld said:

Bumping this back up because I am STILL thinking of baby #4 and can't shake it - DH is in the same spot.

We are thinking we'd go for it early next year so when baby is born my older kids would be 7, 5.5 and 4.

@forcuatro - how're you doing with your family of 4? That's a similar spacing to what you have, right?

Thank you for bumping this. DH still REALLY wants a 4th, and I am so, so on the fence. DS2 has been a really hard toddler, and we're finally seeing a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. We're starting to travel again and just manage more, and it's so freeing. I'm not sure I can start over again and take several more years of babyhood. But, I know how much DH wants one more, or at least to try for one more. It's still weighing on me heavily.

[Deleted]

This is all you need to know.

[mrslisa]

We have the same spacing. The kids were 6, 5 and 4 when DD3 was born. It is still going great. DD3 is a unicorn baby and so good. She copies the big kids and adores them. The oldest two are very good with her and she follows them around. DD2 is a little jealous and messes with DD3 by taking things away and grabbing her. It was nice just having DD3 when the older kids were at school. She keeps me entertained. The only negative I can think of is that we have to watch DD3 very carefully. She is very sure of herself and thinks she can do everything the older kids do. She just broke her arm on a jumping castle slide.

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2015 9:39:03 GMT -5 whereintheworld said:

Bumping this back up because I am STILL thinking of baby #4 and can't shake it - DH is in the same spot.

We are thinking we'd go for it early next year so when baby is born my older kids would be 7, 5.5 and 4.

@forcuatro - how're you doing with your family of 4? That's a similar spacing to what you have, right?

I totally forgot that I was going to update this. Thank you for the reminder.

I can say with certainty that the change when child #3 came along was the hardest transition. It was difficult to adjust to a fourth child but it was a little smoother than the transition to three. This could be because DD2 (child #3) has had a lot of ear infections and has had to get tubes done three times and that is never fun or terribly easy. She was a bit more needy than the others but she has really improved since her last set of tubes were put in in April and she is much happier and mild mannered these days.

I find that having a seven year old and a five year old at the time DS2 (child #4) was born was helpful. They could give him a pacifier if he cried or hold the bottle if I needed to answer the door or help DD2 with something. They weren't at the level that they could change a diaper alone or make meals but they were independent enough to get themselves dressed in the morning and for bed, pack their own snack for school, or keep themselves or one another entertained for a few minutes if I was rocking the baby or something similar. They were still young and needed a lot of help but it wasn't at the level that a group of two or three year olds would. They were also able to help me with DD2 (22 month old when #4 was born) if she needed something simple. 

I do not, for even a second, regret having a fourth. He is a very adventurous child (maybe this is a fourth baby thing?) and always wants to do what the older kids are doing which has cause more than one near heart attack. However, I know, without question, that my family is complete now and I feel really good about that. Sometimes I just hug him and tell him that he was one of the best ideas I have ever had. He is the perfect addition to our family and I feel that I am doing better as a mom now that I know what to expect. I was an only child with a relatively small extended family so I didn't know what to do with babies. I think I really struggled with the first kids sometimes because I didn't know what I was doing and I was overwhelmed at times. I still get overwhelmed occasionally because kids can be crazy but I have come to accept that this is normal and I deal with it much better than I did early on in my parenting. 

Oh, I have also found that a minivan, the car I never wanted to own, is amazing! I had a Honda Pilot when child #3 came along and traded for a minivan when I was pregnant with #4. This was a fabulous decision. Also, #4 has been pretty inexpensive too. I buy diapers and wipes and I purchased formula for several months but that is about it. My last two were pretty close together so I still had a lot of baby things, I didn't care about the newness of items like I did with child #1 so I was/am happy with hand-me-downs, and I know, through trial and error, what kids really need and what is just something that the store tries to convince me to buy. DS2 didn't even mind that I put him in sleep sacks with flowers on them when he was a newborn (hand-me-downs from his two older sisters). He's very agreeable. Haha.  

Good luck with the decision. It is never easy to decide these things because it really is life changing.