So stressed about telling work

[gerberdaisy]

Not sure if this is a vent or what, but I'm just so stressed about telling work I'm pregnant and well, just want to get it out somewhere.  I'm 13.5 weeks and probably have to tell work next week cause I'll be out of the office the whole month of March, and it might be obvious by the time I come back.  The stress is primarily worrying about coworkers judging me as this wasn't planned and my SO and I have been together a year.  Plus I was recently divorced.

Together with that I work with primarily men my age and younger who don't have kids/aren't married.  I am so excited to tell friends and family and everyone is so supportive of us, but I can't sleep at night over the stress of telling work. 

I have one friend here who knows and she is great, but its the other 30 people.  This was kinda rambling, but as my clothes are starting to not fit as well, my stress level is increasing. 

[rbp]

I'm sorry gerberdaisy. I felt A LOT of anxiety before telling work too. Mostly because no female professors at my college have given birth in years, and I was afraid I would be looked at as a slacker or not sufficiently career-oriented. A few people have made weird comments like I should have timed it better so I wouldn't have to miss a semester of teaching. (WTF are you actually telling me when I can and can't have sex??)

Anyway, I think this is a common thing to worry about, but if your CWs judge you--fuck 'em. They need to mind their own business. This is between you, your boss, and HR.

Does your company have a published maternity leave policy?

[chickadee77]

I was also nervous as hell because I had just started a new job. I finally told around 19 or 20 weeks. I tend to agree with rbp - fuck 'em. If they are so socially clueless as to not be able to take the cue from you that this is happy news, then they're kind of idiots. I mean, people will think what they think, and I would just present it as ecstatically as possible so that any negative reaction comes off looking bad for the other person. It is good, happy, news, and they are mean, indeed, if they can't celebrate that happiness with you (or at least pretend to, lol).

Besides, they just might surprise you and react well!

[Amy]

I think the more upbeat you are when telling everyone (even if you feel nervous) the better off you will be. They should be able to gleam from your attitude that this is positive news and will hopefully respond accordingly.

[starlily]

I'm sorry. I also was stressed about telling work because I have a new supervisor who has a reputation for being unpredictable. Everything ended up going really well though, as I hope it does for you.

[ringstrue]

I'm nervous too. I know you know but just saying that there isn't a reason why you have to tell that it was unplanned or a surprise. Maybe just say something like (if they ask) "well its a bit earlier than we thought but we are ready."

One coworker asked me today if I was expecting. I'm wearing the flowiest stuff possible but it only helps so much. I can't wait to tell next week when I can let my belly go!

[gerberdaisy]

Thanks, I really think that some of this is that I've built it up in my head and it won't be nearly as bad when I just do it. Also, I'm just usually a private person and this is just uncomfortable for me. But, it is such a positive thing, we are so excited and hope people will take cues from that.

Oh and to answer rbp, I work for the gov't, so maternity leave is pretty spelled out (use leave I already have built up). I don't see this being a problem with my line of work as it is all project driven, so I just won't be on any projects for a while.

[VillainV]

You don't have to tell everyone at once. I agree that you should probably tell your boss/supervisor/HR before you leave for a month (or immediately upon your return), but you don't have to make a "general announcement" at the same time. In fact, you don't have to make a general announcement at all. Tell those who you feel comfortable with, and if you give them the green light to tell others, then word will get around.

Before you talk to HR, you might want to research your company's policy on maternity leave, any state laws, and whether or not your company has to comply with FMLA. You don't have to settle on a mat-leave plan yet, but it might be good to know your rights and your company policy.

Edited to add:  if anyone is rude enough to ask you if it was a planned pregnancy (or imply that it wasn't), then pull a Miss Manners.  "Why do you ask?" or "What an odd thing to say to someone."   And "Of course we're thrilled."   

[gerberdaisy]

Feb 18, 2014 14:07:08 GMT -5 VillainV said:

You don't have to tell everyone at once. I agree that you should probably tell your boss/supervisor/HR before you leave for a month (or immediately upon your return), but you don't have to make a "general announcement" at the same time. In fact, you don't have to make a general announcement at all. Tell those who you feel comfortable with, and if you give them the green light to tell others, then word will get around.

Before you talk to HR, you might want to research your company's policy on maternity leave, any state laws, and whether or not your company has to comply with FMLA. You don't have to settle on a mat-leave plan yet, but it might be good to know your rights and your company policy.

Edited to add:  if anyone is rude enough to ask you if it was a planned pregnancy (or imply that it wasn't), then pull a Miss Manners.  "Why do you ask?" or "What an odd thing to say to someone."   And "Of course we're thrilled."   

Thanks.  My office is pretty small and word gets around fast, so I just plan on telling my boss.  My one friend that knows, her fiance works with us to, so i'll give her the go ahead to tell him and I'm sure within a week most people will know. 

I'll still be working the month of March, but just at a project location, not my office, so would rather tell prior to being on the road. 

And my coworkers are not known for their politeness.  I really like "what an odd thing to say to someone."

[rbp]

Feb 18, 2014 14:07:08 GMT -5 VillainV said:

You don't have to tell everyone at once. I agree that you should probably tell your boss/supervisor/HR before you leave for a month (or immediately upon your return), but you don't have to make a "general announcement" at the same time. In fact, you don't have to make a general announcement at all. Tell those who you feel comfortable with, and if you give them the green light to tell others, then word will get around.

That's true. I told the people I report to as well as the people I work closely with who would be affected. Everyone else can hear through the grapevine--there's no way I'm making 100 personal office visits to share the news with Jane Doe whose life will not be affected at all by my maternity leave.

[loira]

I'm sorry you feel like people will judge you. If you are happy, they should be happy for you, but I suppose some people have no lives of their own. I was worried about telling work, too. I work at a web development agency, and most of my colleagues are young and male. I'm the first woman to be pregnant in the history of the company. My directors were amazing, though. I didn't make a big announcement about it to anyone else, but some of the guys spotted my 'baby on board' transport badge. They are young and clueless, and one of them did ask me if it was planned (in his 24 year old brain, a pregnancy is probably a horrible mistake that happened to his bro that one time). I skipped the Miss Manners treatment and went straight to scolding. I just fixed him with a steely gaze and said, 'that is NOT an appropriate question.'

[aqualuv]

I understand why you feel stressed, but try not to feel stressed. It's your business the timing of your pregnancy. Just remember it's about you and your SO and your bundle of joy.

I'm also nervous about telling work but that's because I just started a new job last week. I was laid off the week I found out I was pregnant. My job doesn't know and as far I can tell I was able to go through the interview process without them knowing. I won't qualify for FMLA so I will hope they allow me to take the minimum about of time covered by their STD policy. I'm planning on waiting until my next appointment to make the announcement although I'll be around 16 weeks then.

[mannah]

I echo what everyone already said--you can do it! Another thing I have said to rude people who asked me if it was planned (I still can't believe they had the nerve) was a shocked look and then "Did you REALLY just ask me that?" It's sort of a rude response but if your coworkers are known for being not-so-polite, it might be kinda like speaking their language and they'll get the idea that they're out of line.

[Odonata]

Feb 18, 2014 13:22:12 GMT -5 rbp said:

I'm sorry gerberdaisy. I felt A LOT of anxiety before telling work too. Mostly because no female professors at my college have given birth in years, and I was afraid I would be looked at as a slacker or not sufficiently career-oriented. A few people have made weird comments like I should have timed it better so I wouldn't have to miss a semester of teaching. (WTF are you actually telling me when I can and can't have sex??)

I haven't told work yet, but I HAVE heard this about other teachers from administrators!  I SWEAR if anyone tells me this I'm going to go ape-shit!  
Don't people understand that sometimes people can't plan???  I've been trying for almost three years and lost two pregnancies, have been going through fertility treatments one after another trying to have a family and now it's expected, that on top of ALL THAT, that I have to limit my chances to only a few months out of the year so I can hit summer break?  

Get. the. fuck. out.  

And I totally hear ya on being judged that you're not dedicated to your job.  It's very shitty that women have to be put through such judgement just to do something that (should be) natural.  I find the same people who are out there to protect the "family" image are the same who will judge a working woman who becomes pregnant in the same breath.  

Whew, sorry, I think I was venting there for a bit!  I get so angry that pregnancy is such a secret society issue and it shouldn't be.  Right now I'm waiting for next year's contracts to come out before I tell anyone.   We are a private school with year-to-year contracts and I'm pretty afraid that if I go in and let them know before then I may not get asked back next year.  In reality, it would be nice to let them know NOW since I'll be out for the start of school and they are in the process of hiring for next year, but instead of giving them a head start, I need to keep quiet to secure my job first.  It's like I need to "trap" them into hiring me back next year.  It sucks.

On the other hand, if your job is secure and you won't be held back from any promotions or raises just because you got pregnant, I say to hell what they all think about your situation.  People will always judge.  

[lo]

I haven't told my work either and I'm almost 20 weeks! I don't really have a bump yet and am wearing mostly normal clothes.

I'm not so worried about what people will think, but my teaching contract was only for a year. I know they were planning on renewing it, but I'm def not coming back in Sept (due in July), and I don't know that they'll hold my position. Blah! I don't feel like dealing with speculation about my job and administration.