I may DD some of these details so please don't quote.
H's sister died 2 years ago. We were incredibly close, like sisters, and needless to say it was a very profound loss for the entire family, myself included.
When we found out we were having a girl it was a no brainer that we'd honor sil by using her name as M's middle name.
My sil was an incredible person. Just a true inspiration and the kindest soul I've ever known.
I feel guilty for feeling weird about this but my inlaws frequently call my daughter by her first and middle name. Sort of an emphasis on sil's name. There is no doubt that our daughter has healed our hearts after this loss and she is bringing inlaws so much joy as well which I love. I think of sil daily and miss her all the time. But I worry that she will have a certain amount of pressure to live up to. This isn't just because of the middle name we chose for her obviously but I just feel like she's a replacement for sil and it makes me uncomfortable.
Ugh I know this is all petty and there's nothing really wrong with them calling her by her first and middle names it just makes me kind of sad for some reason.
I'm not really looking for a solution I guess I just needed to let this out because I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings by talking to him about it.
Actually it would help if you all just told me I'm being ridiculous and I need to get over it.
Post by runforrest on Feb 21, 2014 14:02:18 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss.
I think this is one of those things that you just have to shrug off - your in-laws lost their daughter, and if calling their granddaughter by both her first and middle names gives them some sort of peace or something, I would not begrudge them that or bring it up. I know you lost someone very close to you, a sister, but losing a child, I can only imagine the grief and daily pain that comes with that.
I don't know that I'd have the heart to bring it up to them. I probably would just use her first name only when speaking about and with her. And I'd make it clear. If they said "Why Jane Anne looks so cute in that dress", I'd reply "Thank you, I think JANE looks adorable too".
Post by janiejones on Feb 21, 2014 14:03:29 GMT -5
I think it's okay to have strange feelings about it. My mum is constantly trying to match Freddie up to traits my siblings or I had/have, it makes me a bit mental, so I understand that your situation would be that much weirder.
I think you need to just let it lie though. Your DD will grow into her own person, and I think that your ILs will let her be who she is and not try to make her your SIL 2.0. Just ride this out and try not to let it get under your skin.
My fil passed away a few years ago, and my first son has his name as a middle. My second son has my dad's name as a middle. All of h's extended family calls ds1 by his first and middle and no one does for ds2. It's weird and annoying that there is this discrepancy, but it never crossed my mind that there would be pressure to live up to my fil. Hopefully as your dd gets older they will drop it.
Post by speckledfrog on Feb 21, 2014 14:04:13 GMT -5
I think it's normal to be concerned. How old is she? Perhaps they'll ease back over time, when she develops her own personality. If nothing else, as long as you and YH treat her as her own unique person she will come to understand that this is just a weird quirk of her grandparents.
I think this is one of those things that you just have to shrug off - your in-laws lost their daughter, and if calling their granddaughter by both her first and middle names gives them some sort of peace or something, I would not begrudge them that or bring it up. I know you lost someone very close to you, a sister, but losing a child, I can only imagine the grief and daily pain that comes with that.
I completely agree with this and that's why I feel so guilty about it. Especially since having a child of my own I can't imagine what they are going through. I'd never bring it up to them - ever - I think I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Thanks though I needed this bit of a reality check. It is pretty selfish of me to complain about it.
I think it's normal to be concerned. How old is she? Perhaps they'll ease back over time, when she develops her own personality. If nothing else, as long as you and YH treat her as her own unique person she will come to understand that this is just a weird quirk of her grandparents.
Yea she's only 7 months old. I think honestly I'm projecting because I guess in a way i actually feel pressure to raise a daughter as good as she was. I clearly have issues lol.
Thank you all for weighing in though I needed to see different perspectives on this.
I think this is one of those things that you just have to shrug off - your in-laws lost their daughter, and if calling their granddaughter by both her first and middle names gives them some sort of peace or something, I would not begrudge them that or bring it up. I know you lost someone very close to you, a sister, but losing a child, I can only imagine the grief and daily pain that comes with that.
I completely agree with this and that's why I feel so guilty about it. Especially since having a child of my own I can't imagine what they are going through. I'd never bring it up to them - ever - I think I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Thanks though I needed this bit of a reality check. It is pretty selfish of me to complain about it.
It isn't. It is okay for you to be concerned about your daughter. It sounds to me like you are doing a good job of balancing your feelings as a parent while remaining sympathetic and understanding to your ILs. Vent away, it's good to get things off your chest.
I have my grandmother's middle name (first baby born after she passed). My grandfather always called me by my first and middle names. I think it helped him feel closer to my grandmother. I never felt like I had to live up to her. It may be different because your SIL was young, but it sounds like she's a good role model for your daughter.
Post by VeryViolet on Feb 21, 2014 14:12:02 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how tough it is on everyone. I don't think you are wrong or bad for feeling the way you do. Everyone deals with grief differently and you aren't going around telling the ILs to knock it off. I do hope as you are further removed your daughters name brings back happy memories. I know it is not at all the same thing but DS's middle name is my grandfathers name. I call him by both names often and it brings back happy memories.
I have my grandmother's middle name (first baby born after she passed). My grandfather always called me by my first and middle names. I think it helped him feel closer to my grandmother. I never felt like I had to live up to her. It may be different because your SIL was young, but it sounds like she's a good role model for your daughter.
See this is what I needed to hear. She is a very good role model for my daughter you are right. Hopefully Margot will feel special sharing sil's name. This actually really changes how I look at the situation. Thank you!
I'm sorry for your loss. I think you're right to be bothered by the emphasis by your ILs on the shared name, if only because your SIL only died 2 years ago and that pain is still fresh. It might just be that. I don't think I'd say something to my ILs unless it became more clear that my child was being compared to their daughter. That would be unfair to your DD.
You might have many mixed emotions for a while and that's okay. It's still a wonderful thing - for your DD, too - that you honored your SIL and remembered her in this way.
I think this is one of those things that you just have to shrug off - your in-laws lost their daughter, and if calling their granddaughter by both her first and middle names gives them some sort of peace or something, I would not begrudge them that or bring it up. I know you lost someone very close to you, a sister, but losing a child, I can only imagine the grief and daily pain that comes with that.
I completely agree with this and that's why I feel so guilty about it. Especially since having a child of my own I can't imagine what they are going through. I'd never bring it up to them - ever - I think I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Thanks though I needed this bit of a reality check. It is pretty selfish of me to complain about it.
I don't think it's selfish at all, it's just not something I would bring up to them, or your H, that's all. Your feelings are valid and you are also experiencing grief/loss. Hugs.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My daughter's middle name is my mom's name and my parents and family always call her by her first and middle names. I think it helps them to feel closer to her. I would bet that as your daughter grows up you'll find that your ILs aren't pressuring her to be just like your SIL, they're just happy to have a way to continually honor her memory by speaking her name. My best friend died when I was in high school, and her parents were always so grateful when people talked to them about her - spoke her name. I don't know if this makes any sense, but it seemed like it was pretty important to them. My daughter's first name is that friend's name, actually!
To add, this is a "cross that bridge when you come to it" thing. Your DD is only 7 months old. They lost their DD only 2 years ago. I'd REALLY focus on what bcv said about how it might just make them feel closer to their DD>
if, IF, it ever grows past this - as your DD gets older and perhaps genuine pressure really does become apparent, at THAT time, deal with it. But for now, just focus on hopefully this is just something that makes them feel good.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My daughter's middle name is my mom's name and my parents and family always call her by her first and middle names. I think it helps them to feel closer to her. I would bet that as your daughter grows up you'll find that your ILs aren't pressuring her to be just like your SIL, they're just happy to have a way to continually honor her memory by speaking her name. My best friend died when I was in high school, and her parents were always so grateful when people talked to them about her - spoke her name. I don't know if this makes any sense, but it seemed like it was pretty important to them. My daughter's first name is that friend's name, actually!
Makes perfect sense. They are so happy we chose her name and I know it makes them happy to call her that. My inlaws are really great and they love our girl to bits.
I understand, G has my maternal grand fathers first name as a middle name, and my mom almost always calls him by his first and middle name. I think that it's just a reminder that he is being remembered, and not that he has to live up to all the things he accomplished.
Post by darkling_glory on Feb 21, 2014 14:24:37 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss.
I am named after both my grandmothers. First name (maternal) middle name (paternal).
The paternal side of the family calls me "first middle" all the time. No one calls me that on my mom's side. I understand your concern, but I'd just let it be. It won't harm anyone and I bet your daughter grows to like it as I have.
To add, this is a "cross that bridge when you come to it" thing. Your DD is only 7 months old. They lost their DD only 2 years ago. I'd REALLY focus on what bcv said about how it might just make them feel closer to their DD>
if, IF, it ever grows past this - as your DD gets older and perhaps genuine pressure really does become apparent, at THAT time, deal with it. But for now, just focus on hopefully this is just something that makes them feel good.
I do think as she gets older and more time passes, they will begin to see her as her own little person. I can see how it is comforting to them for a little piece of thier daughter to be present in their lives. However, it would make me a little uncomfortable as well. I think it will pass though.