We had our counseling session last night. It was ok, I think H was holding in a lot of what he wanted to say. He did open up after we got home more. Basically it boils down to he feels like he can't lose his mom, but he does acknowledge that we did not want/we cannot provide for/we should not have another baby. He is really torn right now what he thinks we should do.
One of the events at the kids school was postponed that was going to be next week, so I moved my appointment to then. He didn't really say much about it, just that he wants more time. I reminded him we don't have much more time.
The clinic is offering 40% discounted rate based on our income. So this will be much easier to handle financially.
Work is giving me a hard time about taking time off, but I expected that. I told them I will take a laptop to work remotely (which is usually a no-go) but my boss seemed placated at the suggestion.
MIL spent all weekend blowing up H's phone. He answered a few calls, ignored the rest. Dealing with her is wearing him down and I think he is getting more frustrated at it.
I have an appointment with a different counselor tomorrow during my lunch, so we will see how that goes. I encouraged H to go on his own, but he is resistant. He did confide in one of his oldest friends, so at least he can talk to someone.
Thanks. It's funny how what should be such a happy event can literally tear a family apart. Two sides to every situation and all that, I guess.
I'm more worried right now being away from my other kids and the baby. I know H will do just fine, but with how upset he is and is going to be I fear it will trickle down to them.
Also I EBF and I don't know how that's going to work with this. I am seeing my OB today to get all the info, but it's crushing to think about stopping. I pump while at work, so baby takes a bottle well, but I'm sure this will tank my supply. I know I have to pump and dump for a while.
My plan is to leave Sunday night after the kids go to bed, giving us around 12 hours to make the 9 hour trip. I'm more familiar with the drive so I will drive for most of it, letting BFF sleep. I'm positive I will be too amped up to sleep anyway. The clinic booked us a hotel a few doors down, with early check in, so we can go straight there after the first day at the clinic. The first day they do tests, go over the procedure, give me meds and they have a counselor you can talk to of you need it. Then I will go back the next day for the procedure. Then I will go back once more the next morning to be sure everything looks good so we can come home. Hopefully we will be back around dinner time Wednesday. So 3 days total. I took the whole week off, more for mental healing than anything. Plus if I'm bleeding it's going to be hard to deal with that at work.
Reality is still setting in that this is going to happen. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. And I'd be lying if I said that part of me isn't mourning the loss. I know it's what needs to happen, but it still hurts.
MIL spent all weekend blowing up H's phone. He answered a few calls, ignored the rest. Dealing with her is wearing him down and I think he is getting more frustrated at it.
I know it's hard b/c it's family, but I hope he can see what she is doing to him. It is so unfair of her to be involved in this, let along give an ultimatum. I hope he realizes that she is being super shitty and stops letting her manipulation play into his thoughts/decisions.
Post by EmilieMadison on Feb 26, 2014 10:17:10 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that this is even more complicated than it has to be. Does your DH understand or acknowledge that the only reason he might "lose" his mom is because he shared VERY sensitive, personal, and confidential information with her without your permission? That telling his mom that you're not only pregnant, but that you probably want to terminate, is like....absolutely unacceptable?
His mom either will or will not get over it. But if your husband agrees that you cannot and should not have this baby, then he's going to have to deal with her fallout because he invited her into the fold. It's not your fault for doing what YOU need to do, and the fact that he told his (disapproving) mother shouldn't change your- or his- decision.
I'm so sorry that your MIL isn't seeing how this is the right move and realizing how hard it is for you. I've been and will continue to think about you.
I really cannot believe that your husband is allowing his mother to have this much power and control over decisions he makes about his family especially when he knows that it is to the detriment of his wife and children. Parents and adult children disagree all of the time about things, but it boils down to the fact that he is a grown-up with a family of his own, and his mother should no longer have control over how he lives his life.
I am really really sorry you are in this position, and at this point, even if your husband manned up in the future to his mother, I still feel like I would doubt how far up his priority list our family was to him. That is total bullshit, and I think I would hold a grudge about it for a bit of time.
I know H told her because he needed an outlet. I don't think he imagined she would go BSC about it. But yeah, TMI for a mother to have. And WTF to her hardcore for being such a snatch. I I know he regrets talking to her about it in the first place.
I'm having the surgical done next Tuesday. I like the idea of the pill, but the statistics show that it's less effective than surgical and I can't imagine going back if it doesn't work the first time.
My OB and I went over the issue with BF after. He called in the lactation consultant who said my body can react many ways to the surgery, but I need to pump and dump for probably a week after. I can pump and have it tested after 3 days to see how the saturated it is with the meds, etc.
My OB and I went over the issue with BF after. He called in the lactation consultant who said my body can react many ways to the surgery, but I need to pump and dump for probably a week after. I can pump and have it tested after 3 days to see how the saturated it is with the meds, etc.
I had to have a D&E when my DS was 3 weeks old (I had a postpartum hemorrhage) which pretty much the same procedure as a surgical abortion. I was EBF and was very concerned about the effects. I consulted with my Dr, a lactation consultant as well as a pharmacist (because they know the most about the drugs and the effects). Initially, the Dr said that I would have to pump and dump for about a week. I balked at this because I felt like if a woman can BF immediately after having a c-section (which is major surgery) then why so long for this?
The result was that there was no known medical reason for me to pump and dump for more than 24 hours, and in fact, it was likely fine within a few hours after waking up from anesthesia. The medication from the surgery itself leaves the body quickly. I was on antibiotics afterward but those were safe during BF.
Hopefully you are able to do the same. Again, best of luck and much strength to you.
Post by cinnamoncox on Feb 26, 2014 19:36:39 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are in such a situation. You need to do what's best for you and your existing family. I understand how your husband feels. Mine wouldn't tell his mom, I don't think, but I am certain that he would react to a pregnancy the exact way your h is. I'm very sorry for both of you. Take care of yourself, ok?
Thank you all again. As the day gets closer I'm starting to get emotional about it. Which is extremely unlike me. I am usually the level headed one in times of stress.
The LC recommended the timeframe based on the meds the clinic listed I would be on, including one to help clot as I have a slight issue with having thin blood so it doesn't clot properly. We will see what happens, though. I can pump and dump until the milk is cleared. My OB also is writing me a script for domperidone, in case I need it to help my supply.
New counselor is much better. He really seemed to listen and I do feel much better about my decision.
H seems to have come to terms with my decision to terminate. He has started asking questions about the procedure. He is not happy about it but then who would be happy in our place? There is still a lot of resentment there, but what can I do.
I told the kids I am going to be out of town with BFF for a few days and of course the older ones want to go. I am pumping as much as I can so baby can have BM while I am gone, but baby is going through a growth spurt and eating like crazy so I don't know if I will have enough of a stash to sustain.
I have had to field a lot of uncomfortable questions at work about why I'm in the bathroom so much, why I suddenly took a week off, why I get to work remotely when it's not the norm. I've been shutting most questions down, but I might have to tell my boss if this keeps up. It's frustrating.
I recall you have to travel to get to a clinic - is it the only one within driving distance? I only ask because 3 days seems like an awful lot for an abortion. You are still in your first trimester, right?
I had a surgical abortion and I was there about 4 hours total. I was at work again the next day. I had some light cramping but that was about it, I don't think there was even any bleeding though that wouldn't be unusual if there was. Maybe light bleeding? I recall the huge pads I bought were not needed.
It just sounds like being gone that long is adding extra stress (and expense? Do you pay for the hotel?) and I'm not sure why they are requiring you to do all that. Are there other options that might not require so much from you?
I recall you have to travel to get to a clinic - is it the only one within driving distance? I only ask because 3 days seems like an awful lot for an abortion. You are still in your first trimester, right?
I had a surgical abortion and I was there about 4 hours total. I was at work again the next day. I had some light cramping but that was about it, I don't think there was even any bleeding though that wouldn't be unusual if there was. Maybe light bleeding? I recall the huge pads I bought were not needed.
It just sounds like being gone that long is adding extra stress (and expense? Do you pay for the hotel?) and I'm not sure why they are requiring you to do all that. Are there other options that might not require so much from you?
There's no other option that doesn't seem to focus on making you feel like you are the worst person on earth, but if you still want to do it after they spend hours talking you out of it ok- that will be ten zillion dollars. Unless I want to drive a few hours more. Which, honestly, I don't. I wouldn't be able to be home the next day with a longer drive. And with bleeding issues it does up my risk of complications while traveling.
Normally at this clinic it's one day. But I'm not local, I have a blood thinning issue and I have to travel 9 hours home. First day I will have meds started to help with the clotting and help the procedure go easier the next day. I don't want to end up having an issue during/after that keeps me there longer.
In regards to the bleeding I have always been a bleeder. After I had my kids I would still be bleeding 6+ weeks after. My period has always been heavy- think a box of tampons plus a box of panty liners every other day. It's not severe enough to be on medication, but the risk of having very heavy bleeding after is high.
I am getting a prorated deal on the hotel. It will cost for 2 nights about what 1 night would normally. So, it would be cheaper to stay where I'm going.
My OB did give me a list of clinics when I went in to confirm my home tests. This was one of the top suggestions he made. The top one is 12+ hours away. The closest clinic did not make his list, for the reasons above.
I recall you have to travel to get to a clinic - is it the only one within driving distance? I only ask because 3 days seems like an awful lot for an abortion. You are still in your first trimester, right?
I had a surgical abortion and I was there about 4 hours total. I was at work again the next day. I had some light cramping but that was about it, I don't think there was even any bleeding though that wouldn't be unusual if there was. Maybe light bleeding? I recall the huge pads I bought were not needed.
It just sounds like being gone that long is adding extra stress (and expense? Do you pay for the hotel?) and I'm not sure why they are requiring you to do all that. Are there other options that might not require so much from you?
There's no other option that doesn't seem to focus on making you feel like you are the worst person on earth, but if you still want to do it after they spend hours talking you out of it ok- that will be ten zillion dollars. Unless I want to drive a few hours more. Which, honestly, I don't. I wouldn't be able to be home the next day with a longer drive. And with bleeding issues it does up my risk of complications while traveling.
Normally at this clinic it's one day. But I'm not local, I have a blood thinning issue and I have to travel 9 hours home. First day I will have meds started to help with the clotting and help the procedure go easier the next day. I don't want to end up having an issue during/after that keeps me there longer.
In regards to the bleeding I have always been a bleeder. After I had my kids I would still be bleeding 6+ weeks after. My period has always been heavy- think a box of tampons plus a box of panty liners every other day. It's not severe enough to be on medication, but the risk of having very heavy bleeding after is high.
I am getting a prorated deal on the hotel. It will cost for 2 nights about what 1 night would normally. So, it would be cheaper to stay where I'm going.
My OB did give me a list of clinics when I went in to confirm my home tests. This was one of the top suggestions he made. The top one is 12+ hours away. The closest clinic did not make his list, for the reasons above.
Ok, that makes sense. Just wanted to make sure this place wasn't making you jump through unnecessary hoops, KWIM? I think they should make it as easy as possible. It sounds like they will take care of you.
I should have said this in my last post, but if you have any questions about the procedure or want to talk to someone who has been through it, please PM me. My circumstances different but I imagine many things are the same with all of us who have gone through this. Anything I can do to make this easier I am happy to do.
As much as it was a shitty thing to experience, I have zero regrets and I am very glad with the choice I made.