Family staying after baby?

[marie3246]

My parents will arrive this week and will stay with us until baby is born. They bought a condo nearby to stay in after she is here or maybe a little before. No one in H's family has shown any interest in coming to visit and from the advice on here and others we thought 1-2 months was a good time to say no company. H's dad was the only person who has even asked how I am doing etc the whole pregnancy. He had wanted to come down about a month after she was born, but it was just talk and H told him we would talk about it after she is here to see if we feel like having guests. He was just going to come alone because he and H's stepmother have separated and they are in debt up to their eyeballs. 

Stepmother just texted me to ask if they would be able to come the week of March 24th. Not sure for how long, but they would like drive (22 hrs), but stop at H's bro's for a few days and then stop by us for a few days before heading home. 

Pre baby me, feels like this will be no big deal and I don't know when the next time is that we will be able to see his family. Stepmother is a good cook and in my head I feel like they would be helpful. The other part of me feels like saying yes is a bad idea. Our master bath is still under construction (although H claims the shower/toilet/sinks will be done by this weekend) so right now we have to walk across the house to shower. Stepmother is also always so full of drama, she recently cheated ,is a huge liar about money which is why they are apart. I'm honestly surprised they agreed to come together. I also know that I will feel obligated to host even though i know they won't expect that. I am fully aware that I have no idea what it is going to be like to have a newborn or how hard it will be to host people so soon after she is born. 

I just hate being the bad guy. I can have H just talk to his dad and tell him know, but they will know its coming from me and I have to respond to her text in someway. I know if I say no, she is going to think I'm nuts since she lives in total craziness and would always let us stay no matter what. We just give them dates when we are coming, and are always welcome. I feel bad not doing the same. 

Would you let them come and visit for a few days? (they cannot afford a hotel and we cannot pay for them to get one) and accept their help? Or tell them we want to wait til after she is here? What are some reasons you wouldnt want family to stay? (besides not wanting to host) My other worry is that if we wait, H will be working and I would rather them come while he is here full time. 

[hokiegirl82]

Feb 26, 2014 11:14:34 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

I just hate being the bad guy. I can have H just talk to his dad and tell him know, but they will know its coming from me and I have to respond to her text in someway. I know if I say no, she is going to think I'm nuts since she lives in total craziness and would always let us stay no matter what. We just give them dates when we are coming, and are always welcome. I feel bad not doing the same. 

Would you let them come and visit for a few days? (they cannot afford a hotel and we cannot pay for them to get one) and accept their help? Or tell them we want to wait til after she is here? What are some reasons you wouldnt want family to stay? (besides not wanting to host) My other worry is that if we wait, H will be working and I would rather them come while he is here full time. 

I have struggled with when to invite my in-laws to come visit after kiddo is born, mostly because I have to set up some boundaries with FIL because he smokes about 3 packs of cigarettes a day and I have certain rules that he will have to follow if he wants to hold the baby (like changing into a clean shirt any time he wants to hold her, as well as washing his hands). My H said we could tell him that, but he doubts his father will agree to it - I told H "tough shit" - if FIL wants to hold the baby he has to follow my rules or there will be no holding.

I used to feel like I would be the bad guy for setting boundaries and rules about certain things, but as a FTM, and already being nervous and anxious about having a baby, I just don't care about hurting other people's feelings right now. It's your kid, your house, I think you have every right to invite them when you want, especially if there is any chance your stepmom might cause drama - I would wait until at least 6 weeks after the baby is born to invite these people to your house, especially with it still under renovations. The last thing you need to deal with a tiny newborn is houseguests who could cause drama.

Our plan is to have my parents visit for a few days about 2 weeks after the kid is born, then the in-laws about 4-6 weeks after kid is born, to break up the amount of people around at one time.

[marie3246]

Feb 26, 2014 13:59:29 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Both sets of our parents stayed at our place while we were in the hospital but left when we came home because they couldn't take more time off work. We traveled to see them and stay with them for a week about 1 week after the baby was born. It was nice to not have to worry about regular household chores, preparing meals, etc., so I could nap while the baby was sleeping. And just having someone else hold the baby for a little while...

If you think they'll be at all helpful around the house, I would definitely have them.

Even if they're not so helpful (thanks FIL for putting too much detergent in the laundry machine and causing suds to spill all over the floor the day we bring the baby home!) it still might be worth it. H and I feel really strongly about wanting our kids to be close to their extended families and sharing a bond with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. If you immediately start throwing up walls and distancing yourself, it might carry some of that forward. Even though sometimes it has been inconvenient for us to host visiting family, we remind ourselves that in the long run, we're facilitating a relationship between our kid and his grandparents.

I'm mainly hesitant about them because I don't think they will be all that helpful in reality and SM is really pushy and judgey. My parents will also be here (not staying with us though) and they are super helpful. SM also has a ton of drama in her life and its not something I really want to deal with right now. I don't want to cause any distance and I am glad they are showing some interest in coming, but I would rather then wait a little longer to do so. She may not be here for up to 2 weeks after my due date and then the hospital stay, etc it may only be a week or so for us to adjust before having company. 

H and I just talked about it and he thinks its too soon so he is just going to talk to his dad and tell them to either wait til after the baby is here to decide on dates or at least a few more weeks to give us some time to adjust. 

[marie3246]

Feb 26, 2014 12:38:38 GMT -5 hokiegirl82 said:

Feb 26, 2014 11:14:34 GMT -5 marie3246 said:

I just hate being the bad guy. I can have H just talk to his dad and tell him know, but they will know its coming from me and I have to respond to her text in someway. I know if I say no, she is going to think I'm nuts since she lives in total craziness and would always let us stay no matter what. We just give them dates when we are coming, and are always welcome. I feel bad not doing the same. 

Would you let them come and visit for a few days? (they cannot afford a hotel and we cannot pay for them to get one) and accept their help? Or tell them we want to wait til after she is here? What are some reasons you wouldnt want family to stay? (besides not wanting to host) My other worry is that if we wait, H will be working and I would rather them come while he is here full time. 

I have struggled with when to invite my in-laws to come visit after kiddo is born, mostly because I have to set up some boundaries with FIL because he smokes about 3 packs of cigarettes a day and I have certain rules that he will have to follow if he wants to hold the baby (like changing into a clean shirt any time he wants to hold her, as well as washing his hands). My H said we could tell him that, but he doubts his father will agree to it - I told H "tough shit" - if FIL wants to hold the baby he has to follow my rules or there will be no holding.

I used to feel like I would be the bad guy for setting boundaries and rules about certain things, but as a FTM, and already being nervous and anxious about having a baby, I just don't care about hurting other people's feelings right now. It's your kid, your house, I think you have every right to invite them when you want, especially if there is any chance your stepmom might cause drama - I would wait until at least 6 weeks after the baby is born to invite these people to your house, especially with it still under renovations. The last thing you need to deal with a tiny newborn is houseguests who could cause drama.

Our plan is to have my parents visit for a few days about 2 weeks after the kid is born, then the in-laws about 4-6 weeks after kid is born, to break up the amount of people around at one time.

oh man, I can't stand smoking, I hope he respects your wishes! I agree 4-6 weeks is a better time frame. I was all set to send her a text back, but H said he would just handle it. I feel a lot better now. I know she will still think I'm nuts and the bad guy, but I really don't care at this point. 

[ringstrue]

That sort of gives me hives, lol.

Unless they are super super handy, given everything else you have said about them I'd be leery about assuming they'd be horribly helpful. I've heard too many stories about unhelpful family staying over. So this makes me wanna suggest to either A) have them visit when your parents are in town so your parents can "host" while you sleep/rest, or B) wait til way later (like 2+ months out) when you feel a little more in control of your lives.

I need to maybe post this in another post, but post partum women really truly need to be off their feet way less than they typically are in the US. The whole point of Maternity Leave is for the mother to heal from her enormous change in her body and she should not being cleaning, hosting, cooking, etc. like how you normally would. We have this weird culture where mothers of 1 month olds (or even 2 week olds!!!) are expected to be up and out of the house and doing stuff like going for walks around the block everyday and that is not good long term for our bodies. Just because women "feel fine" for a bit doesn't mean they should push it. Healing takes a lot of time. So anyway, I really really don't want you to put yourself in hosting mode at all.

[Deleted]

MIL came to spend 6 weeks with us when DS was born. She was NOT helpful and it was the worst 6 wks of my life. No exaggeration but I am 22 wks pregnant and this time we haven't even told her we are expecting yet b/c of this.

[thatgirl2478]

When DD was born 3 years ago, my Mom came for a week to help out. She did the laundry, the cooking, cleaning, took care of the baby while I was sleeping, if we needed something & couldn't wait for DH to get back, she would go to the store.

The rest of the family (Dad, Brother & SIL) waited until the weekend to come up (so about 5 days after she was born, 2-3 days after being released from the hospital) but aside from my Dad, they were only there for the day.

My FIL was really put out that we didn't invite him up for the birth. He came up during the 2nd week, which was also when DH had time off work (I can't handle FIL on my own) and was there for a few days, enough time to help us complete our move (yes, we put the house on the market when I was 9 mo pregnant & moved to a completely different town after my 10 day checkup). The only things he was helpful with were buying takeout & fixing a few last minute things in the house. He was embarrassed to stay in the room with me while I nursed her (not sure why he thought the hospital would be any better), he didn't want to 'pry' into our 'personal stuff' to do laundry.

Do what you feel comfortable with. If that means they are there for a few days (2-3) and you eat a lot of take out, then that's fine. I wouldn't expect you do play host though. If that means that you wait a few months, that's fine too.

[mrspost08]

My parents are planning to come once I give birth. My mom will be a huge help. I asked them to come at Christmas instead after the baby was born. Only because I want them here for the babies 1st Christmas. My dad told me he couldn't wait 2-3 months lol

My inlaws live 20 minutes away. They rarely come over now. I don't see that changing much. They also don't ever visit without being invited. They had a bad daughter in law with BIL. They are scared to ruin our relationship.

My MIL thinks our dog will go live with her permanently once I get pregnant. We haven't told them yet. There is no way our fur baby is leaving. He will go there when I'm in the hospital but that is it.

[purrbox]

Wish I could give you some advice. This is my first baby so I have no idea whether you'll be able to tolerate family while having a newborn, but my gut reaction is that you'll go crazy, lol.

That being said, my mom will be staying in our house right before and after the baby comes. FML. I wish I could just say no, but I'm such a sucker when it comes to family and I regret it every time!

[loira]

We live far away enough that our parents are already thinking about when to come visit. My MIL really wanted to be there for the birth or just after because she had done the same for each of my SIL's and BIL's first babies. Whether she can actually afford a ticket to London is another matter, but H is going to explain very firmly to her this weekend that we want all family (including mine) to wait 1-2 months before visiting. We only have a 1 bed flat and do not need to deal with people sleeping on our sofa bed in our tiny home while trying to get the hang of a new baby.

[picksthemusic]

Just wanted to share my experience... My ILs are super intrusive (to me). They have almost no boundaries, and are constantly around (or we're going to see them) at least twice a month for days at a time, if not more. Most of this stems from the fact that my DH is a Mommy's Boy. They are involved in our business all the time, and it really, really irks me.

That being said, MIL came and stayed with me after DD was born for either a week or two weeks, I can't remember. It was only because my mom couldn't because she's a teacher and her school year just started when DD was born. By the time MIL was gone, my kitchen was rearranged, and I couldn't find anything in my own house. She'd reorganized everything. Without asking. She did a lot that was helpful (laundry, dishes, cleaned, cooked, etc), but I basically remember all the things that irritated me.

To top it off, MIL's birthday is around the same time as DD's, so after an emergency (traumatic) c/s, a week-long NICU stay for DD, and finally getting home with baby and having one blessed night alone as a new family together, my whole IL family (M/FIL, BIL, and B/SIL who was just BIL's gf at the time) were all at our house for two days (though they didn't stay the night) celebrating her birthday and DD coming home. I was learning how to breastfeed, trying to pump every two hours to keep up a dwindling milk supply, and having to wait to hold my own child because FIL wouldn't give her up. He was/is obsessed with DD. Every time I had to do something with her (feed, change, put her down for a nap), he would act like I ran over his puppy and shit in his hand. He seriously had issues back then with how much he wanted to hold her. It was like a competition with me. He would always say things like, "You don't understand how much I love her," and this would put me in a RAGE. It still makes me mad. He's gotten a lot better... but I am dreading how he will be with this next baby. I am going to be a lot more firm and put my foot down, though, because I'm EBFing this baby (unlike DD who was BF/formula combo for a myriad of reasons), and because FIL can't do that, he's going to have to be patient a LOT more than he was with DD.

Yeah, I still have issues. I really need therapy about the whole thing. LOL