I am so hormonal today

[rbp]

I am swamped at work. I'm working at home past 11 pm every night just to keep my head above water. Spring break can't come fast enough. I will be working every day just to make the rest of the semester less miserable. 

Today all this shit went wrong when I was teaching lab, starting with the work study student who apparently filled up a bottle labeled "methylene chloride" with water. WTF? Things went downhill from there, leading me to step out of the lab to cry in the hallway. I feel like my students must think I'm such a flake. Another professor caught me and tried to console me, but that just made me embarrassed. I feel so out of control.

I got home at 7:30 pm with several hours of work that can't be put off. I had these online papers that I thought needed to be graded by midnight tonight, so I logged onto the system at 10 to grade them. Alas, they had already been graded. Apparently I missed the deadline (maybe it was 5 pm today? I looked back at the e-mail and it said "by the end of the day") so someone else did my work for me. I am mortified. 

All the other tenure-track professors in my department have their shit SO together and they're doing so much more than me with publishing and innovating their classes. It's all I can do to stay afloat. UGH.

My H came upstairs to check on me, which apparently means "stand over me and breathe heavily." Now he is mad at me because I snapped at him.

Sorry if this post makes no sense, but do you ever have days where you feel like you can't do anything right?

[KaraOrNot]

Yes, I think we all have those days. Hugs.

[mrspost08]

Yep! I've had a lot of them in the past month where I just wanted to go home to my bed. Hang in there!

[Odonata]

I totally feel ya. I had a kid in lab today, while waiting for the magnesium to react, use the striker at his bench to try and "scare" the girl next to him. He decided it would be funny to strike it next to her ear - and singed her hair a bit.  Of course, she had to freak out and make a huge production out of it.   *-)  Maybe I'll hold off on labs until the second trimester when I start to feel better.  I don't have the energy/stomach for this shit and I don't think I can handle boys lighting girl's hair on fire right now.   And my god, broken crucibles EVERYWHERE.  Shouldn't high school kids have some hand-eye coordination by now?

And yeah, almost midnight and I'm just finishing up the grading I need to do for tomorrow.....that really should have been done by the start of this week.   I'm behind because I keep taking naps and there is nothing worse than having to force yourself to grade something you just don't want to read.   (not to mention the grades vary wildly based on my mood, which is not good!)

Days like this suck and I'm sorry you're feeling so disjointed at work. I hope your day goes much better tomorrow.  Hang in there!  Spring break is coming and you'll be able to take a step back and pull your shit together.  Does yours start next week?  Mine starts on the 8th.  Counting down the days!

[ngdgtco]

(Hugs). The crying is totally normal; we all have our days. And pregnant or not, I regularly feel like I'm failing at work. I'm sure you're doing great though, and I hope today gets off to a good start!

[smock]

I have felt the exact same way. I was skeptical at first, but now I believe the professor who told me that the first few years as an assistant professor are monumentally harder than graduate school. 

Yesterday I was supposed to go to an important meeting and I just completely forgot, and showed up 40 minutes late, for the last ten minutes of the meeting. I ran out of time to do the reading that I assigned for class, and did a shitty job of winging it. I forgot to post the exam review sheet online for 4 days. It sometimes feels like I'm juggling a million different things (class prep, reading, GRADING, all the emails, conference papers, mss revisions, committee meetings, etc. etc. etc.) and it's just not possible to keep all the balls in the air.

On top of that, pregnancy definitely does not make things easier--I'm more exhausted after standing and teaching, I'm drained at the end of the day and can't put in extra hours, oh, and I'd rather shop online for baby stuff than work. 

But here's the thing: every single professor has felt this way at some point. Even the ones who look like they have their shit together. Trust me. If you compare yourself to other people, you'll always find some way that you come up short. It's a mind fuck.

So my advice (and I'm, what, a year ahead of you? so I must have some wisdom) is this: cut corners, and be okay with it. Figure out where you don't have to do as much work. Prioritize ruthlessly, and don't beat yourself up about it. Take some time off, even if it feels like you can't. Ask other people for help. Don't care about what your students think about you (and remember that teaching doesn't really count for a whole lot at tenure time--so don't make it your top priority). I know this is kind of trite advice, and I'm sure you've heard it before, but it really does help. 

And I'm sorry that you feel out of control right now. I hope it gets better.

[rbp]

Thanks ladies for the kind words, and especially smock for the advice. It is spot-on. People have told me this before, but I just can't wrap my mind around cutting corners. I feel like what I'm doing is barely adequate as it is. But I will have to spend some more time thinking about my priorities and how I can be a good teacher without burning myself out, because this method isn't sustainable. (I am in my second year BTW.)

The good news is that with my new course this semester, I will have taught all the different courses that I will be teaching in the foreseeable future, so I don't expect that there will be another semester quite like this one. (Surely each year will come with its own issues--and an infant at home next year--but I believe this year's issues are unique.)

I am feeling a little better today. Didn't get enough sleep last night, but hey--the end of the week is in sight. Odonata--My spring break is the same week as yours. Seven more school days!

ETA: Oh, and the pregnancy thing. I haven't had a lot of issues outside of the never-ending stomach bug, but MAN do my feet hurt! I always wear my most comfy flats on lab days, but my feet are still killing me after standing up for three hours. That doesn't help with my mood LOL! H says it's the pregnancy hormones that loosen up my tendons. I think it might be time for some old lady orthopedic shoes!  :?

[rbp]

Feb 27, 2014 9:29:47 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Feb 27, 2014 9:00:40 GMT -5 rbp said:

Thanks ladies for the kind words, and especially smock for the advice. It is spot-on. People have told me this before, but I just can't wrap my mind around cutting corners. I feel like what I'm doing is barely adequate as it is. But I will have to spend some more time thinking about my priorities and how I can be a good teacher without burning myself out, because this method isn't sustainable. (I am in my second year BTW.)

The good news is that with my new course this semester, I will have taught all the different courses that I will be teaching in the foreseeable future, so I don't expect that there will be another semester quite like this one. (Surely each year will come with its own issues--and an infant at home next year--but I believe this year's issues are unique.)

I am feeling a little better today. Didn't get enough sleep last night, but hey--the end of the week is in sight. Odonata--My spring break is the same week as yours. Seven more school days!

ETA: Oh, and the pregnancy thing. I haven't had a lot of issues outside of the never-ending stomach bug, but MAN do my feet hurt! I always wear my most comfy flats on lab days, but my feet are still killing me after standing up for three hours. That doesn't help with my mood LOL! H says it's the pregnancy hormones that loosen up my tendons. I think it might be time for some old lady orthopedic shoes!  :?

Even if pregnancy doesn't SEEM like it's wearing on you, there are a lot of subtle effects as your body takes over mental and physical resources to cope with all the changes. Don't discount it. And if any of your colleagues have been pregnant or have had pregnant spouses, I'm sure they understand and that's where the sympathy is coming from-- not because they think you're inadequate or flakey.

Someday, you'll look back and laugh at the time some dumb student gave you water instead of DCM.

I'm glad you understand my plight.  If I weren't pregnant I would have straight-up smelled the bottle. (I have maybe not the best laboratory hygiene habits LOL.)

The professor who caught me crying had two babies (years ago) while she was teaching. So when she said "you are reacting like this because of your hormones," I am trying to take it not as patronizing but as empathetic. If a man said that to me I'd punch him in the face. 

[rbp]

Feb 27, 2014 9:29:47 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Feb 27, 2014 9:00:40 GMT -5 rbp said:

Thanks ladies for the kind words, and especially smock for the advice. It is spot-on. People have told me this before, but I just can't wrap my mind around cutting corners. I feel like what I'm doing is barely adequate as it is. But I will have to spend some more time thinking about my priorities and how I can be a good teacher without burning myself out, because this method isn't sustainable. (I am in my second year BTW.)

The good news is that with my new course this semester, I will have taught all the different courses that I will be teaching in the foreseeable future, so I don't expect that there will be another semester quite like this one. (Surely each year will come with its own issues--and an infant at home next year--but I believe this year's issues are unique.)

I am feeling a little better today. Didn't get enough sleep last night, but hey--the end of the week is in sight. Odonata--My spring break is the same week as yours. Seven more school days!

ETA: Oh, and the pregnancy thing. I haven't had a lot of issues outside of the never-ending stomach bug, but MAN do my feet hurt! I always wear my most comfy flats on lab days, but my feet are still killing me after standing up for three hours. That doesn't help with my mood LOL! H says it's the pregnancy hormones that loosen up my tendons. I think it might be time for some old lady orthopedic shoes!  :?

Even if pregnancy doesn't SEEM like it's wearing on you, there are a lot of subtle effects as your body takes over mental and physical resources to cope with all the changes. Don't discount it. And if any of your colleagues have been pregnant or have had pregnant spouses, I'm sure they understand and that's where the sympathy is coming from-- not because they think you're inadequate or flakey.

Someday, you'll look back and laugh at the time some dumb student gave you water instead of DCM.

ETA: I meant to second smock, too. My advisor basically told me flat out, have your kids in grad school because your first few years as an assistant prof are going to be rough, extra tough if you're also cooking babies.

Oops. I will say that I had a super tough time in grad school and my feelings of inadequacy in teaching can't compare to those in grad school. So I'm not really sure when I was supposed to have babies!