If you have a train wreck sister...

[wildfloweragain]

How do you interact with her?

I come off as cold, unfeeling, judgey or stuck up no matter how I deal with her. Contact is already limited to about 4x/year. She gets upset that it's not more, and so do I, as far as seeing her kids goes.

But I cant engage the crazy, the drama-seeking, decisions made for her vag instead of for her kids, etc. And I'm not welcoming her drug addicted, thieving or possibly even nice because anything is possible and there are so many of them boyfriends into my house.

So I pretty much react to nothing, treat her politely like an acquaintance and stew about how i could have been nicer later.

I sometimes wish it could be different but I cant fix her, and i cant fix her kids' lives.

Is there a different approach or perspective someone has? Do I sound normal or bitchy?

I will see her next week and I gather from her vaguebooking that she is about to make another shocking announcement that I'm supposed to be all surprised and happy for her, yet another kid with yet another guy and she's moving herself and her other 3 kids in with him. I get this awful, aloof pasted smile on my face because I have no poker face.

Well, there it is, have at it.

sent from my jedi mind

[thinkofthesoldiers]

I haven't for a long time. Not worth the drama.

[DotAndBuzz]

"I come off as cold, unfeeling, judgey or stuck up no matter how I deal with her."

Pretty much this, exactly. I also don't know how to change it without feeding into the dramatic, attention-seeking, co-dependent behavior, so I just minimize interaction. In my mother's opinion, that makes me a terrible sister and a bitch, but I really just can't handle the ridiculousness.

[dfl]

my sister and I have not spoken since my youngest brothers wedding...8 years ago. None of us have spoken to her since then. Not worth the drama anymore.

[sarahswim]

Uh, we let her move in with us about 4 months ago. It's been...an interesting few months.

[badtzmaru22]

Mar 1, 2014 22:24:54 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

"I come off as cold, unfeeling, judgey or stuck up no matter how I deal with her."

Pretty much this, exactly. I also don't know how to change it without feeding into the dramatic, attention-seeking, co-dependent behavior, so I just minimize interaction. In my mother's opinion, that makes me a terrible sister and a bitch, but I really just can't handle the ridiculousness.

This. She's always been kind of a spoiled brat, but it's definitely become trainwrecky as of late. This is where I with it all.

[sjh722]

Mar 1, 2014 22:25:30 GMT -5 @greyowl said:

I keep my distance. I wish her the best, but I actively avoid anything other than a surface, fair weather relationship.

And sub brother for sister and this is how I deal with one of my brothers and his ridiculousness.

[Kit]

I have a stepsister who is spoiled, bratty, and I just can't relate to her. I am polite, we talk, but I don't go out of my way for her anymore. I used to and it went unappreciated and I'm done. We still talk but are not close in any way.

Sent from my Nexus 10 using proboards

[Deleted]

I wouldn't use the word trainwreck for my sister.

I treat her with kindness. I also don't expect anything from her nor does anyone else.

Nobody's perfect, at least in my family, lol.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Mar 1, 2014 22:36:05 GMT -5 @imback said:

I wouldn't use the word trainwreck for my sister.

I treat her with kindness. I also don't expect anything from her nor does anyone else.

Nobody's perfect, at least in my family, lol.

This reads as incredibly condescending to me.

[stinkyfeet]

Mar 1, 2014 22:38:14 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Mar 1, 2014 22:36:05 GMT -5 @imback said:

I wouldn't use the word trainwreck for my sister.

I treat her with kindness. I also don't expect anything from her nor does anyone else.

Nobody's perfect, at least in my family, lol.

This reads as incredibly condescending to me.

Agreed!!

[psychmom]

Pretty much exactly how got already deal with your sister. Only I talk to her less than 4 times a year.

She tries to manipulate me when we do talk so I intentionally keep it at a minimum. 'I know I'm a loser and the black sheep of the family' 'I'm pathetic' etc. But she maintains that roadside honey sales is the only way she can have an income. Any job she has, she quits soon after starting. Her last job she quit after 2 days because 'she couldn't see herself doing it long term'. What astounds me is that she keeps finding strangers and organizations to give her free housing, cars, ect. It's like her own career.

[tdk2]

Mar 1, 2014 22:24:54 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

"I come off as cold, unfeeling, judgey or stuck up no matter how I deal with her."

Pretty much this, exactly. I also don't know how to change it without feeding into the.

Crazy



And then I text dotandbuzz screenshots or emails and we laugh or shake our heads lol

I kind of checked out of interaction a few years ago when she told me that she did finally try meeting w 4 or 5 therapists per my pushing. But none of them were prepared to deal wih a patient who was already as in rich w herself as my sister is.

You know, because trained professionals know nothing. (I understand sometimes it takes a few to find a match. That's different than what she was saying)

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2014 22:38:14 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Mar 1, 2014 22:36:05 GMT -5 @imback said:

I wouldn't use the word trainwreck for my sister.

I treat her with kindness. I also don't expect anything from her nor does anyone else.

Nobody's perfect, at least in my family, lol.

This reads as incredibly condescending to me.

how so?

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Mar 1, 2014 22:55:45 GMT -5 @imback said:

Mar 1, 2014 22:38:14 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

This reads as incredibly condescending to me.

how so?

Because it sounds like this to me:

*I* wouldn't use the word trainwreck for my sister. (because that is horrible to say about someone else)

*I* treat her with kindness. I also don't expect anything from her nor does anyone else. (because we should all be understanding of how difficult her life really is)

Nobody's perfect, at least in my family, lol. (you all should realize that you are probably just as bad because *I* have, with an obligatory lol thrown in)

Read more: pandce.proboards.com/post/5628386/quote/296188?page=1#ixzz2um4aFJIg

[scorpion]

I don't much interact. She's unfriended and blocked me on Facebook, and that had been about the extent of it. Part of me misses the drama and vaguebooking, and part of me ... doesn't.

[wildfloweragain]

Mar 1, 2014 22:55:29 GMT -5 tators said:

What age can you declare a train wreck? Mine is only 19. I feel like I should give her a pass for a couple more years. I hope in that time she loses her two timing boyfriend and stops pretending she has no family to go to and living a vagabond life.

At 19 mine was having her first child. We poured so much support into her and my nephew. We saw her as someone who had made some mistakes (things that had been going on for the past few years) and we'd help her get back on track. She is 33 now. She's overcome so much with help from others but puts herself right back there again over and over, by choice. She is not happy unless she has huge drama and thinks everything happens to her. She doesn't see that life is a series of choices. Or that it's not about her anymore. She's a mom now.

...sent from my Jedi mind

[sarahswim]

Mar 1, 2014 22:45:11 GMT -5 panicfoot said:

Mar 1, 2014 22:31:47 GMT -5 sarahswim said:

Uh, we let her move in with us about 4 months ago. It's been...an interesting few months.

Woah. Fuck that.

My sister isn't a total train wreck but she is a drama filled, self centered, probable alcoholic who pays little attention to her kids.

I just try not to talk to her much. She doesn't ask about me but on the rare occasion something personal comes up, I am guarded with information, because no matter what, she's been through it and it was 10000x worse than what I'm going through. It pisses me off so I say very little and come up with reasons to beg off.

I know.  The 'trainwreck' for me refers to her mental illness/eating disorder/recent divorce.  She actually has a home (a couple hours away) that she owns outright, but emotionally could not stay there.  I don't talk about it much for a variety of reasons, but I truly felt like this was the best solution for the time being.  Thankfully, my H agreed with it being the best idea, temporarily, at least.  

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2014 22:59:23 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Mar 1, 2014 22:55:45 GMT -5 @imback said:

how so?

Because it sounds like this to me:

*I* wouldn't use the word trainwreck for my sister. (because that is horrible to say about someone else)

*I* treat her with kindness. I also don't expect anything from her nor does anyone else. (because we should all be understanding of how difficult her life really is)

Nobody's perfect, at least in my family, lol. (you all should realize that you are probably just as bad because *I* have, with an obligatory lol thrown in)

Read more: pandce.proboards.com/post/5628386/quote/296188?page=1#ixzz2um4aFJIg

*I* am not judging you and I am not be condescending. I am expressing how I feel and where I am.

[flex]

I don't engage with her. It's pretty easy to do since she lives 3,000 miles away AND because she's in an assisted living home currently. She's nuts and I refuse to be manipulated by her.

[wildfloweragain]

Mar 1, 2014 23:02:51 GMT -5 @pnkbride said:

wildfloweragain were you and your sister close growing up? Also, what is the age difference between you?

Not super close but not problematic. 6 years difference, so we were at different stages growing up. I'm older so I'm sure that plays into it.

...sent from my Jedi mind

[wildfloweragain]

I expected more of @imback s type of response. I'm not proud of our lack of closeness. I don't see another way around it though and have difficulty being myself around her. All I can think in my head every time is "how can you not see what you are doing." If I say anything to that effect, she gets super defensive because she deals with a lot of tough breaks, all these things happen to her and she is doing great for herself...

...sent from my Jedi mind

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Mar 1, 2014 23:12:58 GMT -5 wildfloweragain said:

I expected more of @imback s type of response. I'm not proud of our lack of closeness. I don't see another way around it though and have difficulty being myself around her. All I can think in my head every time is "how can you not see what you are doing." If I say anything to that effect, she gets super defensive because she deals with a lot of tough breaks, all these things happen to her and she is doing great for herself...

...sent from my Jedi mind

Sometimes you have to just step back despite your own feelings. I actually grieved the loss of my sister as if she were dead. And really she was. The kid I grew up with and enjoyed most of our lives was gone. What she is now is not what she should be (not saying that in a mean way, she is in a horrible place in many, many ways).

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2014 23:14:21 GMT -5 @smace said:

Mar 1, 2014 22:38:14 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

This reads as incredibly condescending to me.

Me too.  

what I said doesn't apply to your sisters. It applies to my sister.

Last time I share with you bitches.

[wambam]

I keep her at arm's distance at all times. I'm polite and nice to her, but nothing below surface level every occurs.

[Deleted]

I no longer speak to her. If I have to (holidays, funerals, weddings), I am pleasant and kind and peaceful for the sake of my nephew. But the rest of my days, she doesn't even exist. Dead.to.me. My DD doesn't even know she exists.

[wildfloweragain]

Mar 2, 2014 8:31:11 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

I no longer speak to her. If I have to (holidays, funerals, weddings), I am pleasant and kind and peaceful for the sake of my nephew. But the rest of my days, she doesn't even exist. Dead.to.me. My DD doesn't even know she exists.

Oh, I have something funny for you.  I heard of this band somewhere and put on our running birthday list that I'd like their CD.   H mentioned it to me when I was groggy one night and asked about it.  I couldn't remember.  He said "I think it has the word foot or toe in it."  I told him " Then it must be Bigtowlittletoe, that sounds familiar." 

BTW, the band is called Barefoot Movement:)

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2014 22:24:54 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

"I come off as cold, unfeeling, judgey or stuck up no matter how I deal with her."

Pretty much this, exactly. I also don't know how to change it without feeding into the dramatic, attention-seeking, co-dependent behavior, so I just minimize interaction. In my mother's opinion, that makes me a terrible sister and a bitch, but I really just can't handle the ridiculousness.

Exactly all of this. 

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2014 8:56:19 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I just say "she's my sister and I love her, and she could have my kidney if she needed it. But we're just not good friend material".

Nope, my sister could not have my kidney.  No way, no how.  You are a much better person.

[wambam]

Mar 2, 2014 9:13:44 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

Mar 2, 2014 8:56:19 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I just say "she's my sister and I love her, and she could have my kidney if she needed it. But we're just not good friend material".

Nope, my sister could not have my kidney.  No way, no how.  You are a much better person.

Same with me.

Part of my sister's train wreck is having a serious illness, giving no fucks about doctor's instructions, and abusing her body. She'd destroy that kidney in a year or less.