Avoidance is a pretty common Coping Mechanism. Especially for someone (like a child) who was not allowed to show feelings, disagree, or deal (effectively) with conflict.If you never resolve the underlying issue, it can be very unheathy. And damaging long-term.
But you can both learn new and effective ways to communicate with each other. You may need to say/do things differently, too. Its completely learnable, if you want to change.
The bigger issue here is that you said you never resolve the argument. What happens, you both just ignore it?
Yes. I've tried many, many times to resolve the original argument after the nap/night's sleep and he just gets angry again. So I back off. Nothing gets resolved. Rinse, repeat. I'm really frustrated.
What is an example if what he "forgets" and you say is still unresolved. Dirty dishes? Or missing money?
it's only a big deal that you aren't resolving the issue. space is okay, but complete shutting down and just sleeping is not.
I always need space to decompress and just think by myself. when my h doesn't respect that I consider it to be rude and only makes any problem worse. when I have a minute to think, we are able to easily resolve any disagreement.
respect his right to have time to decompress and learn how to resolve problems.
It sounds like he's making a whole lot of excuses to avoid actually dealing with any problems in the relationship. And obviously he remembered the fight if he remembers how "mean" you were.
Post by game blouses on Mar 2, 2014 17:34:14 GMT -5
Did he grow up in a house with a lot of yelling or fighting? I ask because I used to do the "fall asleep and avoid the argument" thing too - a lot. Sometimes when my parents were fighting in the front of the car, I'd simply fall asleep in the back. I had to work on not avoiding conflict a lot in my adult life. It might be the temperature of the argument that has him avoiding it, rather than the content.
I'd like to know what you were arguing about, and if it's typically the same thing. I used to think my H was a giant dick, and then I realized that I was super annoying. He legitimately didn't know what our fights were about, because they were usually about stupid shit. I would harass the shit out of him and he just shut down. Learning to just say what I really was upset about (and being able to recognize that) was huge. Giving him space allowed me to get there without being a spaz in between.
I could totally be projecting here, lol.
It's always humbling when you have a glass shattering moment about yourself. lol I do think that talking when you are not in the heat of the argument can really shed light on things. For instance, H would many times react to things that he THOUGHT I was going to say or do, which drove me nuts. He would just tune me out. And when I was younger and fighting with my sister, i would sometimes ask to take a break because I needed a chance to cool down before saying something I would truly regret, but she would just continue to hound me.
Respecting what people need in an argument is huge. The trick is both parties have to do this.
I definitely do not do the silent treatment- in fact, it just makes me more upset. Taking time off for a bit to cool down and collect your thoughts is one thing. Not talking about the fight is unacceptable in an adult relationship.
Since your BF said he's willing to try new communication methods, I'd likely give it a chance. But do not be surprised if he reverts back to his old behavior. Keep in mind- the dating relationship is the BEST it will ever get. I know you said you're far off from getting married/engaged, but going to this next step adds more pressure to your (already frustrating) relationship. Eventually, you (or him or both) will get to a point where it's get engaged or jump ship.
My dad is exactly like that. Never discuss an argument, never admit he is wrong, never apologize. Just pretend that it never happened. My parents have been married 38 years, but I know this always was (and still is) the biggest issue in their relationship. My mom has contemplated many many times to just leave. I really don't think it is healthy for anyone to live that way.
I would not be ok with the original situation or him "not remembering" what we were fighting about (assuming it was a legitimate issue and not stupid shit).
That said, I'm not quite to the DTMF point. I think it would be worth trying to learn to fight constructively, because whether this relationship lasts or not, it's a skill worth learning.
My H and I have different fighting styles. When he gets upset, he storms off to his room, locks the door, and works on a project until he calms down. I get all emotional and won't walk away, but will become furious over any new topic that is brought up. So we table our arguments until we both calm down and can talk about it rationally. That means I let him storm off, and he leaves me alone until I calm down. Sometimes we resolve it in a few hours, and sometimes it's a day or two.
But even if you get to the point where you can resolve issues, if you can't deal with his fighting style, IMO that's a legitimate reason to leave the relationship, especially while you're not legally entangled. There will always be fights, so you damn well need to be able to deal with your SO's fighting style.