My boyfriend drives me insane. UPDATE in replies

[studytime45]

He is acting like a child.

We got into an argument last night, and instead of working it out, he just went to bed. He's awake now and still not talking to me. 

He does this ALL. THE. TIME. Even if it's the middle of the day and we argue, he'll go take a nap. He just cannot deal.

This is a huge red flag, yes? I love him but I cannot keep doing this. I've talked to him about it and he doesn't really have an explanation for it. He's "tired" and I "should just leave [him] alone".

Eventually we start talking again, but we never solve the original argument. Fuck!

Advice?  

[underwaterrhymes]

IDK. Sometimes people need to decompress? H and I are generally both hash it out immediately people (although we do sometimes say, "I need a minute!" if one of us is pissed off and needs a second to cool off first). But I don't think his approach is wrong, necessarily. Just different than yours.

Do you ever wind up talking about the original issue? ETA - sorry. I see that you don't. Do you try to bring it back up when you're both calm?

[revolution]

I don't think it's a red flag. It is ok to have different fighting styles , you just need to learn to respect the other and find a common ground. DH shuts down. I like to talk it out. So now he shuts down for a whole but when he is done we. Must talk it out for me.

[pantsparty]

The bigger issue here is that you said you never resolve the argument. What happens, you both just ignore it?

[MWOS]

Not a big deal that he needs time and space to collect himself. Big deal that the problems never get hashed out.

Sent from outerspace

[flex]

If he needs time to think it over, then it's just his fighting style.

But if the two of you don't deal with the original issue, to me that's a red flag.

[studytime45]

Mar 2, 2014 12:16:19 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

The bigger issue here is that you said you never resolve the argument. What happens, you both just ignore it?

Yes. I've tried many, many times to resolve the original argument after the nap/night's sleep and he just gets angry again. So I back off. Nothing gets resolved. Rinse, repeat. I'm really frustrated. 

[litebright]

DTMF. I tend to think if a boyfriend-level relationship requires counseling, it's best to just move on.

One of the solidifying indicators for me that my DH was marriageable material was that we could argue more or less constructively, and an argument didn't turn into either 1) a taboo subject to avoid conflict or 2) break up time.

I wouldn't marry a man that couldn't deal with conflict. I broke up with one long-term BF for that very reason.

[pantsparty]

Mar 2, 2014 12:18:07 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

Mar 2, 2014 12:16:19 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

The bigger issue here is that you said you never resolve the argument. What happens, you both just ignore it?

Yes. I've tried many, many times to resolve the original argument after the nap/night's sleep and he just gets angry again. So I back off. Nothing gets resolved. Rinse, repeat. I'm really frustrated. 

Yep. Big red flag. Sorry

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2014 12:18:34 GMT -5 litebright said:

DTMF. I tend to think if a boyfriend-level relationship requires counseling, it's best to just move on.

Yup. No need to make life more difficult by committing yourself to a fixer upper. You're young! Find a gem.

[valetgirl]

The "never go to bed angry" approach doesn't always work. I respect the need for processing time. It's concerning if the issues never get resolved, though. Are these fundamental or minor issues? What's more pressing for you - the unresolved issues themselves or the approach to addressing them?

[lime]

If issues can't ever be resolved, it doesn't sound like this is a relationship worth working on. Sorry.

[lilac05]

It would be a huge red flag FOR ME. I am one of those who cannot go to bed without coming to some kind of an agreement, even if it's "agree to disagree." I watched a family member go through a terrible situation when I was a child, so it means a lot to me to be with someone who is on the same page re: solving issues. Others obviously aren't bothered by that.

I also think that a relationship that requires even the discussion of whether or not counseling is needed in the dating phase would probably not be a good fit for me.

It would be a huge deal (again, for me) if a disagreement was never solved, even after time apart. That just feels like sweeping things under the rug and only focusing on the good parts. Part of being in a relationship is dealing with the good and the bad.

[studytime45]

I appreciate the honest responses. Ugh.

[flex]

I am curious, though. Do you harangue him in order to try to get an answer from him the following day? Perhaps he's just shutting down because of it. I'm not trying to lay the blame on you--I'm just wondering how you handle the follow-up.

[cuddlyevil]

I think the bigger issue is that you start talking again but don't resolve the issue you fought about.

[Deleted]

It's a red flag!

**poof**

[EmilieMadison]

Mar 2, 2014 12:18:34 GMT -5 litebright said:

DTMF. I tend to think if a boyfriend-level relationship requires counseling, it's best to just move on.

One of the solidifying indicators for me that my DH was marriageable material was that we could argue more or less constructively, and an argument didn't turn into either 1) a taboo subject to avoid conflict or 2) break up time.

I wouldn't marry a man that couldn't deal with conflict. I broke up with one long-term BF for that very reason.

Absolutely. 

And this is a new-ish relationship, too, isnt it? Not even a year? 
Nope. Sorry, if this is how it is NOW then I'd get out while the gettings good. 

[studytime45]

Mar 2, 2014 12:26:56 GMT -5 flex said:

I am curious, though. Do you harangue him in order to try to get an answer from him the following day? Perhaps he's just shutting down because of it. I'm not trying to lay the blame on you--I'm just wondering how you handle the follow-up.

Maybe? I know you're not trying to lay blame.

I actually just approached him and asked if we could talk about our disagreement last night. We've been up for 2.5 hours, not a word to me. He said he doesn't want to talk to me because I was mean to him...

Ooooh brb he just said let's talk

[litebright]

Mar 2, 2014 12:25:33 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

I appreciate the honest responses. Ugh.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. In the situation I mentioned, that BF was really an all-around wonderful guy (my parents were so disappointed that I didn't marry him, until they met DH) -- but he was Jerry-Maguire-level scared of being alone, and so he flat-out refused to argue with me and would completely shut down. Eventually it made *me* resentful because it felt like he was so insecure in our relationship that he wouldn't be honest with me. 

It felt kind of crappy to bail on a good guy because "you won't argue with me!" or "you don't deal well with conflict", but I promise you, a solid long-term relationship requires the ability to disagree yet be able to work through issues. You don't have to have the exact same fighting style and it can take some time and good communication and yeah, maybe even a bit of counseling to get things to where they need to be or to work out a particularly sensitive issue, but the basics have to be there as a foundation, IMO. 

[flex]

Mar 2, 2014 12:37:08 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Mar 2, 2014 12:35:43 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

Maybe? I know you're not trying to lay blame.

I actually just approached him and asked if we could talk about our disagreement last night. We've been up for 2.5 hours, not a word to me. He said he doesn't want to talk to me because I was mean to him...

Ooooh brb he just said let's talk

YOU WERE MEAN??? 

omg. 

Well maybe she had been mean during the heat of the battle?

[flex]

Mar 2, 2014 12:43:35 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Mar 2, 2014 12:41:27 GMT -5 flex said:

Well maybe she had been mean during the heat of the battle?

lol 

I am in hopes studytime comes back and tells us about the alleged meanness. lol  if he's Mr. Silent Treatment/go to bed after every fight he shuts down, I'm thinking this is just another mechanism to shut out the real deal. 

Kids!!  lol  

[mrsukyankee]

Anyone who thinks that you are 'mean' because you are upset about something or want to talk through something has some serious issues. I would run.

[Deleted]

I'm just going to let you know, my husband does this to a certain extent. When we get in a fight he does the nap thing. At first it really bothered me because I knew that is not how you are supposed to fight. Honestly, the nap thing actually helps him. He has a bit of a temper and can tend to get worked up, so he just stops, goes to take a nap, and when he is done he is decompressed a little and can talk like a rational human being.

Also, I usually let him come to me. I don't push if he doesn't want to talk and give him space until he wants to talk. I find that things get resolved a lot easier that way.

[valetgirl]

He sounds very immature. Move on!

[cleo29]

I would not be able to handle that. Generally if something like this does happen with us, we maybe last till the next morning. If this is a pattern with him, I would really give it some thought.

[circa1978]

My stepfather gives the silent treatment. It is pretty much his only flaw. He just shuts down when my mom gets on his nerves, which is totally the wrong tactic because it just makes her even nuttier. He's still a very good husband, so while it can be a red flag, it can also just be part of someone's overall personality.

[studytime45]

Aaaaand I'm back, folks.

I basically told him that I could handle him napping but that we needed to hash it out once he was awake and more relaxed. He said he never remembers why we were fighting anyway, so why rehash it? I told him because I FUCKING REMEMBER and it's disrespectful to me to have to carry that burden. I told him I was done fighting this way, and we could either try it my way or I was done.

So we are trying it my way. He apologized and acknowledged that shutting down and sweeping it under the rug is not the healthy response here.

We'll see.

P.S. We aren't even close to getting engaged/married. We do live together. No kids. Don't worry. lol

[cleo29]

Mar 2, 2014 13:29:07 GMT -5 studytime45 said:

Aaaaand I'm back, folks.

I basically told him that I could handle him napping but that we needed to hash it out once he was awake and more relaxed. He said he never remembers why we were fighting anyway, so why rehash it? I told him because I FUCKING REMEMBER and it's disrespectful to me to have to carry that burden. I told him I was done fighting this way, and we could either try it my way or I was done.

So we are trying it my way. He apologized and acknowledged that shutting down and sweeping it under the rug is not the healthy response here.

We'll see.

P.S. We aren't even close to getting engaged/married. We do live together. No kids. Don't worry. lol

My friend's then BF (now H) was like this in some ways. He would pick fights with her when were out, have say, shut down anything she would want to say and then move on while she remained upset and hurt. It was so fucking annoying.

My MIL is the type where if you do anything that even remotely seems like a confrontation she shuts down. It is the most frustrating and unproductive way to handle conflict. 

[lime]

Honestly, he is not going to do it "your way" for very long. Maybe this fight and the next but not much more than that.

Are you in a rental or do you own? I would consider getting my own housing lined up.