Moms of Older Children and Teachers, Help!

[vanillacourage]

Mar 3, 2014 13:39:17 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

The long term fear is that she'll continue to isolate herself (as in why do I need other people? I'm the best), and not be able to handle things as she gets older if she's not number one. 

OK.  She's THREE.  I think it's great that the school is taking evaluation seriously, but don't let this one bit of feedback extrapolate out to what her eventual grown-up personality could be.  I am getting all defensive on Kirklette's behalf here! 

Most of this sounds totally normal, and as her cognitive abilities continue to develop it may sort itself out.  DS1 of course always wants to win whatever game we're playing, but it was only after he turned 4 that he could really understand what I said when we talked about how you can't win every game every time.  In order for him to win everyone else would have to lose - and he won't be the #1 most super-best at everything.  We're all different, and that's ok, blah blah. 

I know you guys do family races with Kirklette - do they have any relay-style races where you could help her visually see the role that a team plays in winning as a group?

[katebeckett]

My dd is only 4 months, so I can't address most of it, but what about softball/T-ball? That is definitely a team effort for fielding. My other thought was volleyball, but I don't think that's an option for 3 year olds.

[lurknomore]

Does she like playing games at home? We've tried to be very careful since DD1 LOVES to win playing games (just like her momma did as a kid). She used to try to cheat to win, she'd give up in the middle of a game she wasn't winning, etc. So we make sure that she's not cheating (or the game is over) and that she only wins sometimes, so no making it so she wins all the time. Chutes and Ladders, which I hate, is really good for that because who is winning can change so quickly.

I agree too with vc that it wasn't until she was a bit older than Kirklette that she was able to understand it is ok not to win all the time and that sometimes you can win but sometimes you're' going to lose too. It is good to start reinforcing these things now, but it isn't something I'd be overly worried about at 3. GL!

[hocus2]

Well honestly 3 is young for any sort of sport to be about "winning". My kid takes soccer and then never actually play. They just do drill games. I'd consider dance if you want a sport because there is no winning or losing or really any competition. Swimming is the same. No winning either.

Overall I would just continue to emphasis the value of cooperation, working together and being a good sport.

[vanillacourage]

Mar 3, 2014 14:02:04 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Mar 3, 2014 13:50:44 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Side note, in the meeting we blurted out, "Oh crap, she comes from two really competitive families". However, we (families) were able to channel that into being really successful in our fields. So, there's a bit of parental guilt in there when this was brought up. 

You know that saying, that "when magnified, our greatest strengths become our greatest weaknesses"?  It's true - just try to see it that your little dynamo is just getting on the CEO track a little bit early. 

[dbsk8dance]

We've been struggling with the "I want to be first" mentality as well, though not the competitive part.

We play little games like tic tac toe and checkers on the iPad. Sometimes I let him win, but I also win so that he gets used to it. I try to show him how to lose (and win) gracefully and try to focus on the playing part of the game, not the winning/losing part of the game.

I think a group sport would be great, but I also think maybe a solo sport might be good too. Something that she CAN be the best at and where she can focus on pushing herself to be the best. I, of course, am coming for the ice skating perspective of a solo sport, so take this with a grain of salt.

I just wonder if it is a fine line between wanting to make sure that she gets along with the other kids and is okay with losing and telling her that there isn't anything wrong with wanting to be first, you just have to be okay with not being first sometimes.

I'm not sure that I am getting my feelings across here very well.

[havarti]

****Not the parent of an older child****

What about a non-sport group activity like a kiddie theater program or children's choir? Something that's about creating a product as a group, but isn't about winning or losing?

And just to throw out another sport option -- basketball.

[Deleted]

Do you praise her for trying as much as you do for succeeding? I'd work on that some if possible.

[barefootcontessa]

Feel free to disregard, but it sounds like that are making a mountain out of a molehill.  My son was a lot like you described when he was a preschooler and is still very competitive but as he has gotten older when have been able to work with him on accepting not being number one, etc.  I know they are the experts I do not think a three year old has the cognitive ability to do that.  I think I would work with her on being empathetic more than anything else.  

[SJ]

Tell her that she can be just like SJ when she grows up

[Marmee]

Mar 3, 2014 14:43:06 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

  I think I would work with her on being empathetic more than anything else.  

Yes!

My DD1 was similar to an extent.  Admittedly I'm a mean Mom but I started putting her in situations where she wouldn't win.  I'd beat her at board games or races.  When she'd be a poor sport, I'd make a big point to her about how that's how others (specifically her sister) felt when she always has to win.  It truly made her a lot more empathetic & tolerant of not getting her way.  Quitting or refusing to participate would not be tolerated at home.   It may not have been at 3yrs but by 4 I definitely gave her a taste of the other side of this behavior.  She's 9.5yrs old & still hates loosing (she will always be competitive & will fight tearing up if she looses an important competition) & that's fine...but she's become a gracious looser & shown humility.  That's all I ask of her.

[SJ]

Mar 3, 2014 15:08:14 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Mar 3, 2014 15:01:27 GMT -5 SJ said:

Tell her that she can be just like SJ when she grows up

I can't wait until she's old enough to do a Meyer's Briggs. 
I'd be willing to bet money that she's going to wind up being an ENTJ like me, or an INTJ like her dad. 
God bless kid #2 if she's an F. 

I will have no idea what to do with an I or F child, let alone an IF

[theintended]

This is my daughter's personality, too, which was really amplified at about age 4. Playing a lot of card games and board games has helped and just giving her more practice with being a gracious winner and a good sport when she loses (and modeling and talking about that behavior whenever we get a chance). I really like the Busy Town board game for cooperative play.

It is a careful balance of not crushing the competitiveness out of them (which I think happens too much with girls, especially) but also helping them learn about social appropriateness.

Hang in there!

[beefjerky]

Ahhh yes, maybe this will help, maybe not . DH and I are both ridiculously competitive, in the "teacher I finished my work in 2 minutes (me) way" and the flipping chess boards (well, throwing baseball equipment" way (DH). Our firstborn is that to a T. He's 8.5 now and in second grade and while we have our challenges for sure, it's working itself out. We've had a lot of talk about the importance of slowing down, especially in school. I actually get embarrassed sometimes at conferences when the teachers talks about how he's always got to be the first one done in math, etc. because that was me when I was a kid. Ooops.

He totally tries to boss DS2 around but not his friends so much. We've had a bunch of playdates over at the house and while he'll never be a go with the flow kid he's not obnoxious anymore (I hope!). He did used to melt down ALL the time over losing, he grew out of that eventually and we just continued to talk about how it's not all about winning etc.

At 8.5 he's turned into a pretty cool kid. Now...all that being said, DS2 is definitely an F. That is tough for all

[jlt19]

I'm no help, my 3 year old things everything's a race too. Getting dressed in the am, going upstairs, getting in the bath, getting out of the bath, etc. Nevermind that her 20 month old brother can't do ANY of that on his own. She still must win! So, sorry, not sure a second kid is going to help.

however, we do play Candy Land daily before bed and at first it was a struggle to get her to be a good sport. We told her if Mommy or Daddy win then she needs to shake their hand and say Congratulations, but if she wins, she has to say "good try".  Except now she's decided to cheat to lose, so the game takes longer thus delaying bedtime.

We've enrolled her in T-Ball in the spring, so hopefully that'll help as well.

[Deleted]

I know its easier said than done, but nothing you described sounds alarming to me. She is 3. Even at 5, my DS has issues when he doesn't win playing a board game or something like that. It is really just something she will grow into. Keep practicing playing games and just talk her through it and eventually she will get it more.

[mlvmd]

DS is four and we have dealt with this pretty much since the concept of winning entered his little, stubborn head (so, say, six months).

We have signed up for numerous sports classes and at one they had to run around the gym. He would sprint across the gym and when asked why he stated it was so he would win for sure. We talk a lot about cheating. We have tried to persevere in sports and encourage being put with older kids where he will be challenged more. He is a November birthday so often times he physically excels with his peers because of his size. We also play a lot of board games at home and I don't hold back, so he can get used to losing. We also play Wii Sports and don't hold back. Unfortunately it has just spurred him to get pretty darn good at it.

I take heart that DS is still really well liked by his peers so it doesn't seem to be holding him back and well, I'm a wee bit competitive myself.

[pacificrules]

I totally agree with the previous posters who said that at THREE it isn't too big of a deal (yet). I do think it's a good idea to keep an eye on. I taught for almost 10 years in a elementary school gifted program and many of them had the attitude you're describing (which is a bigger deal when they're 7+). I suggested parents verbalize their mistakes in conversation regularly and to do everything they could to (gently) highlight the mistakes their children made while encouraging/supporting them. Since my experience is with older students, I may be off-base, but I know that for the 2nd-4th graders I taught, the competitiveness and isolation were often defense mechanisms because they weren't comfortable being wrong or not being TOTALLY sure of the answer/process. I think 'daylighting' that trying again and not always being #1 is part of life and normal for everyone can calm some fears and teach healthy coping techniques.

[liveintheville]

I agree with toddler soccer. Here it's no score keeping and just running around.
Swim lessons where she can push herself might be good, too. That way she's in a non competitive team sport but also in an individual sport where she can challenge herself and get self satisfaction from that.
Plus those are the two things our kids right now