Parental/Child Relationships

[brooklyn]

I no longer speak with my father. He's always been an abusive asshole. The final breaking point was at my wedding rehearsal, when he realized that I would not allow him to walk me down the aisle. He told me that I was a disrespectful bitch, and that he wished I had been aborted. We haven't spoken since, and I have no intention of ever seeing or speaking to him again.

[honeybee]

My BIL's boys from him first marriage cut off contact for a period of several years due to some damaging messages they got from their mother and a messy divorce. The younger of the two is now in his mid 20's and they've reconnected and he has a great relationship with his father and the rest of us, as extended family. The older hasn't and likely won't due to drug issues.

[marylou]

OP, it sounds like the kids are just being bratty teenagers. My stepdad's first son ignored him for a solid 5 years (didn't return calls or texts, even on holidays) and then out of the blue when he was 21 called and asked if he could move in. Now they get along great. I still have issues with the kid, but everybody else in my family has been able to accept him and move on. It'll likely be rocky, but just give them time and space.

And to answer your first question, I don't speak with my bio dad. But I've only met him once, and I'll probably reconcile eventually. My decision to not speak with him is extremely childish -- he chose to miss the first few important milestones in my life, so I wanted the power to make him miss the next few. I'm slowly dealing with my issues, but it'll probably be a few more years before I'm ready to contact him.

[cricketwife]

My father has 5 children. I'm the only one that he has any kind of real relationship with. My brother hasn't spoken to him in 13 years. The others are half siblings and they don't really speak to him either but I don't know all the details. The only reason that I have a relationship with him is that I feel like it's the "right" thing to do.

I read what you posted but I would ask myself/my husband what his role is in this. Maybe he's completely guiltless and it's just teenage rebellion, but in my experience, if your kids aren't talking to you, there's usually some underlying hurt, rejection, neglect...something.
I would also encourage you/your DH to continue to let them know that you love them, in ways that they will perceive as actually caring. IE. if you just say "I love you" but never send a birthday present, they may not believe you. Or, if you only ever send a present on a birthday, but never ask about what's going on in their life, they may not believe you. etc. etc. etc. It's helpful to figure out what each kid's "love currency" is, if that makes sense.

I really hope that they can work it out.

[rex]

I have. I don't feel comfortable talking about why, but I was an adult.

I do talk to them occasionally now, but honestly they aren't good to have in my life and I probably shouldn't. But, I like to keep the peace.

It sounds like your stepkids have no reason not to talk to you and are just being entitled, bratty teens. Hopefully they get over it.

[peachdragon]

Yes. My mother and I didn't speak for maybe 6 months. We were a holy roller family, and she basically cheated on my stepfather, and took off and "abandoned" me for the 2nd time in my life. I was 10 the first time, and around 20 the second time. She treated him and his kids VERY BADLY near the end.

It really affected the way I viewed marriage and "God," and she regrets it to this day that I am no longer a Christian.

We reconciled slowly, but she knew I was very angry with her, and confused.

[treedimensional]

Yes, I finally cut ties with my mother, and a sibling. We were not close anyway, and I'd been on my own for years.
Both are complete sociopaths who tortured me psychologically and beat me mercilessly my entire childhood. I tried to connect with my mother as an adult, but she just was not capable of love, and denied ever having abused me.
I have no idea if my mother is dead or alive today. I have had no contact with my sibling for almost 30 years and no clue as to their whereabouts.
My father was a kind and decent man who never hurt me, but he passed on in 1988.

[dragonfly08]

We stopped talking with DHs father for a while when DD #1 was a toddler. He was making religious demands we weren't willing to meet so we cut him out, which meant DH only spoke to his mother if she called him because DH refused to call their house since FIL could answer. Eventually FIL backed off, we reached an acceptable compromise, and things have been fine for years.

[lurkergirl123]

My husband stopped talking to his mom and sister for about six years. I'd rather not talk about all the reasons.

They talk now, but they aren't close.

[galaxy8227]

My father cut off contact with my grandmother and aunt for a few years when I was younger. They got involved in a religious cult and showed up in the middle of the night saying I was going to hell since I wasn't being raised correctly. My father kicked them out of the house and we didn't see them for awhile. Once they got back to "normal" (for lack of a better word) my father reconnected with them but his relationship with his family has always been really odd (lots of issues from childhood) so I kinda think he might have been better off if the re-connection didn't happen.

[thedutchgirl]

I didn't talk to my father for several years as a teen. From age 15 to about 19. We are close now. It is a long story, but the short version is that my dad cheated on my mother and did many things to paint himself as the justified victim so as to excuse his actions. When those behaviors included things related to me with which I didn't agree, I cut off all communication.

I started talking to him again because he acknowledged to the best of his ability he was an idiot and because a good friend encouraged me to restore the relationship.

[basilosaurus]

In college I'd only talk to my dad about once a month. It wasn't really anything they did so much as the shithole in my life I was in, and how I knew they were disappointed. Conversations just weren't good, and I just tried to avoid it. To his credit he'd call every Sunday and leave a message.

My mom basically never picked up if I called, so I easily would go without speaking to her while I was in school. One time I even heard her telling my sister she wasn't there. We had a terrible relationship when I was in high school, and college ironically was both worse and what made it better. She hated how poorly I did and thought I was taking advantage of everyone. I once flew home for a weekend to surprise my sister for her final senior musical performance, and she yelled at me and then hid the rest of the time. However, the time apart was what let us get past all that anger and resentment, and we have a pretty darn good relationship now.

[Deleted]

Yes, I stopped talking to my mom for 6 months after my first child was born.

She was an asshole my whole life but then at my wedding she pulled some ridiculous shit and then again when my son was born. I decided if she was going to spend her life trying to completely undermine my happiness and ruin all the major happy moments in my life I didn't need her anyway.

6 months later she actually made contact and apologized for shit in my childhood that she had been super defensive and digging her heels in about for 20 years.

I guess that cutting her off not as a "ploy" but just for real, to get rid of the drama and focus on my own family did the trick. She's still nuts, but she respects my boundaries and life about a million times more than she used to. We actually have a pretty good relationship these days. NOt awesome or normal, but a lot better. It was worth it.

[Deleted]

I don't have a relationship with my father. He was a raging alcoholic who beat me with belts until I was 6, when my mom had enough and she moved us around the world. I didn't see him again until I was 13, when my mom and I were visiting family in the area he lived in. I was sort of open to reconnecting at that point and gave him my info. He called me collect a month after that and I never heard from him again until I was 27. At that point, I was ragey since contact came in the form of a stupid FB friend request with no message. I replied and asked why now and he want into this whole rant about how disrespectful I was being to my father. Um, yeah. I blocked his ass and do not feel bad about it. Every now and then I am sad that DS won't ever know about that side of my family. Then, I remember how much of an asshole he was and get over it quickly.

OP, I agree with others and it seems like you are dealing standard teen rebellion. Hang in there, they will come back eventually.

[Deleted]

Also, now that I've read your second post I will say this: Obviously you are not the kids' mother? And they went through a divorce and then their dad got remarried. They clearly have unresolved pain and anger about how everything went. I would first consider trying to get them to counseling before throwing their anger in their faces and demanding apologies from children (teens are still kids, especially if they are emotionally stunted by a bad divorce).

If they refuse, perhaps your husband should get some counseling to learn how to communicate with his kids to help them resolve their anger with him over him and their mom splitting up.

My parents are divorced and I'm now 34 years old. The shit they put us through while also bitching about our behavior makes me angry to this day. You and your husband still have time to help those kids live healthy lives as adults. Don't let them get to their 30's with all this rage in them. They need help, not punishment.