I married my high school sweetheart at age 19. I was head-over-heels crazy about him until the end. He suffered some sort of breakdown (I think he suffers from some sort of personality disorder now)at the end of 2009 and left me in September 2010 (after 5 years of marriage and 9 years together). He left me completely penniless for another woman, and got heavily involved in drugs and alcohol, and in what he called the "free" life, which translated into getting himself into lots of debt and legal troubles. I was in my first semester of graduate school and I sometimes feel like heartbreak is not a deep enough word to describe what I felt. I hardly remember my first semester and I dropped 40lbs. I lived like that until May, when he said he wanted to try again. My shattered heart jumped at the chance and I tried to rebuild a basic relationship with him that summer (nothing physical ever happened). In September 2011 I started therapy and we deeply explored why I would subject myself to this treatment and finally in November 2011, after realizing he never stopped seeing the OW, I filed for divorce. He would not come and sign the paperwork; he begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. I had a lot of issues getting him to sign the divorce paperwork due to us living in separate states, but finally he signed the paperwork in January 2012. He fucked with my head after the divorce my stopping by the house, sending me emails and texts about how he'd never stop loving me and wait for me, bought me a Valentine's Day gift, etc. In May 2012 once the semester was over, I moved in my parents because I knew he wouldn't contact me there. I've spent the last year and a half healing, growing, and finding myself. I won't lie; I miss the person he was very much (I think a part of me always will) and I cherish the time we had together, but I know I'm much healthier now because I actually look forward to life and my future whether it be by myself or with a partner (not exH). I could not have said that 1+ years ago.
I did and didn't (gault) know some of your backstories of how you got to SO. I just have to say WOW!!! What a strong group if women who are in suchhhhhh a better place as a result of starting over!!!!!!
Those new to SO? These ladies arean inspiration and theyre right-it gets SO much better!
Post by camelblossom on Mar 8, 2014 11:09:36 GMT -5
This is my first thread I opened on my very first time visiting SO. I asked mh for a separation three days ago. You ladies have given me so much confirmation in my decision and inspiration for the future. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Post by verycontrary247 on Mar 8, 2014 14:18:20 GMT -5
I met xh when I was 17 years old on my first day of classes at our local community college. I was dating someone at the time, but dumped them soon-after to pursue him. We had a very tumultuous relationship and broke up a number of times. So many red flags. He encouraged me to skip classes to hang out with him, I ended up failing all of them. He decided to join the Navy, and once he got to his station where he would be training, asked me to marry him. I was 19. Looking back I realize I just took the easiest option because I figured he'd just stay in the military, we'd have kids and I would stay at home to watch them. Got married, moved several states away to be with him. Knew no one, couldn't do anything because we only had one car (my car) and he didn't want to have to wait to be picked up. At one point he had a mental breakdown and ended up getting kicked out of the program he was in school for. Re-assigned to a really crappy job, and stationed in our hometown. Moved here and things seemed to get better for a while.
Xh deployed for almost a year and the entire time he kept accusing me of cheating on him for no reason. When he got back, I was unpacking some of his stuff and found condoms in the pockets of a pair of jeans. He gave me some dumb excuse that someone borrowed his pants yadda yadda....I chose to believe him because I was scared.
Almost a year ago, xh and I were in kind of a rut. We'd be in the same room, but not really interacting, just messing around on our respective computers.
I had been really depressed since finding those condoms and was at the heaviest I had ever been. Realized I needed to get my ass in gear and do something with my life. Started working out, then in January I decided to get back in school. Was doing really well in my classes, still losing weight, and as my self esteem went up, xh got more and more disagreeable/distant.
One day I noticed a weird charge on our credit card. It was weird because we weren't actively using that card, trying to pay it off. I wasn't sure if it was something xh had bought or someone had stolen the CC number. Xh was on the ship (Navy, no service) so I hopped on his computer to double check before I called the bank. I searched his history and found an cached result from an email account I didn't recognize. I plugged in that email account with the password xh uses for everything, and found pages upon pages of hookup/dating website notifications. He had made multiple accounts using a fake name but real pictures and was actively messaging chicks trying to meet.
One night a few days later, I confronted him about it. He denied it, insinuated I was crazy. I basically said if you have nothing to hide, give me your phone. Refused, then when I attempted to take it he took off and locked himself in the bathroom to presumably destroy the evidence on his phone. I said fuck it and left. Took the car I normally drove (which was the nicer one). Drove to my sisters house for the night to cool off, consider my options. Immediately after I left xh started texting me that I better bring *his* car back or he was going to call the cops. I laughed at him and told him good luck with that. He then said he wanted a divorce (as he had in previous arguments to make me back down) and I said good I want one too. Got to my sisters house, went to bed. In the morning I discovered that xh had followed me there and switched the cars out. I also discovered he had cancelled my phone service.
It was at that point that I realized he didn't care about me, he only cared about himself. I then went into action to protect my best interests. Over the following 9 months I had to call the cops on him, get a restraining order issued, move....all while he was switching between saying he loved me and wanted me back and that he hated me, I was a failure and I'd never do anything with my life. My family was blindsided originally (I didnt talk about our relationship problems to anyone in fear I'd be judged for my failings or that they'd hold it against him later on if we stayed together) but immensely supportive and I never would've made it without them.
Our divorce was finalized December 17th. I really couldn't be happier to not be connected to him anymore, but I am a little sad it went down the way it did.
Ok, seeing how this helps people I will post. I've been feeling down about my career lately but I should put a positive spin on it to make myself feel better.
I met XH when I was 24 and we hit it off. He was 10 years my senior, once divorced, Jewish, cute and well off. I thought he was my Prince Charming and he did charm my pants off. I wanted to be married and happy and a young mom. We got engaged after 3 months and married a year later. In 2009 when I graduated from law school the economy sucked and he had lost his job. We moved to Israel because he found a job there and things got bad. Really really bad. I was isolated physically from everything I knew and vulnerable. This devolved quickly but I tried to hard to make it work. We moved back to the US a year ater and I tried to make it work for another 6 months. The emotional and substance abuse was too much.
I was a broken person but somehow found a fire within to leave. I packed up my crap, filed for divorce and had a job interview all in the same day. We had a bitter expensive and horrible 3 month divorce process. I lived with my parents for a year and then on my own for another year. Last April I decided to move to Boston, where I had attended law school. I packed up my shit and moved without a job but love my life. I have friends and fun but a job that I'm overqualified for. It's hard to go to work knowing that you gave up part of your career for someone and are starting from scratch, but I'm scrappy, and I'm making it work.
These ladies were awesome and integral in my divorce and post divorce process. I still have days when I'm down, but it's more because of work frustration than anything to do with my marriage. It's odd to me to think of my old life. It seems like it happened to someone else now.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Mar 8, 2014 16:04:57 GMT -5
All these stories as so inspirational and I love knowing how far all of you have come. So much strength and courage in all of you.
I started out on the S&B board (I used to lurk SO on TN) and then migrated to SO when we moved here from TN. I was in a relationship with my ex who was abusive and extremely controlling. He wouldn't allow me to discuss most things, to be sad, to be ANYTHING. I was a shell for a while. Even my rape. He wouldn't let me discuss it because it was "disgraceful that I allowed such a thing to happen." He was a fucking catch. My last straw was when my aunt passed away and he refused to come to her funeral and he refused to "let" me be sad afterwards. She was like a mother to me and I couldn't grieve. I was done by that point and I broke up with him. I was single for about 6 months and I met this wonderful guy whom I broke up with in May when he moved to China. I had a huge emotional and mental breakdown in Jan 2013 and it took 5 months to recover. I ended up dating another douchebag in August and he was as controlling and emotionally abusive. Once I decided to take a dating break, I met this wonderful and amazing guy and I am so lucky to have found someone so caring and loving.
i am fairly new to SO, but have been a long time poster and lurker at ML.
I really like SO and since this is the year I am REALLY ready to START OVER, i thought it was the perfect place for me to hang out! I left my addict husband (2nd husband!, ha) , started working on me and have battled an eating disorder. ML has actually been very helpful and supportive and it was a great place for me to reach out I also started going to therapy and really doing things for ME, which for the first time in 15 years i have done!
Ive always been in relationships, never been alone, was always afraid, now i am LOVING being alone and find out more and more about myself!! im actually NOT wanting to date anyone, and Im fine with it! its fun seeing what s out there and now i know i will NEVER settle again
PLUS i already met some amazing women from SO!! mags even took a rain check for our date today since ive been puking my guts up the past few days (smart on her part! ha)
Well, I am an old timer, started out on TK when I was planning my 2nd wedding. After my wedding I moved over to TN and ended up on TIP. Spent a few years there with a really good group of ladies, when we moved over here Bully and I hit off on TIP and I migrated here since TIP is so slow, although I still love all TIP women.
I was married to my 1st H for 13 years. 10 years of the 13 were really good after I gave birth to our 2nd and 3rd children (TWINS) things started to get rough. He was in the restaurant business and with 1 child it was ok but with 3 it was too much for me. He worked 70-80 hours a week, weekends, and holidays. It was not a happy house for me. I workded, came home took care of 3 kids under 3, and then he would come home and bitch that the house was messy. If I got to grocery shopping hed rush me home, I started to get resentful and angry. I asked for counseling, he said we didn't need it. Things went on like this for another year, and I was miserable. I didn't want to come home, see him, kiss him, or be around him. I told him I wanted a divorce in 2000, then all of a sudden he wanted to go to therapy. I was done, but went anyway. We went for a few months, but it was useless.
I found a job about 1.5 hours away from where we lived (closer to my family)packed up my 3 kids and left.
I rented a house for about a year, and then bought one all by myself
In the year I moved out, I started getting closer to a friend I had had for a couple of years. we started dating casually for about a year..he did not meet my kids as a BF for about a year. We dated for a couple of years and he moved in with me in 2004. We got engaged 6 months later and married 1.5 years after that. We have been married for almost 8 years!
My XH and I are very friendly. He comes here for holidays, we co-parent, we help each other out, and we always support each other. It wasn't like that right away, we had to work on it. our kids are all in college and really good kids, we did a good job! My X and my H get along, and I think we have had one of the few successful divorces.
I've been mostly lurking on the board for the past couple years. I want to post more, but I still feel stuck. It's been 3.5 years since the break up and I'm still not ready to date. Sometimes I feel like I'll be alone forever because I'm so scared to fall for the "wrong person" again.
My exFI and I had a bit of a whirlwind relationship, We had an unplanned pregnancy after a year of dating and got engaged. We had a lot of problems that I swept under the rug because I didn't want to make waves.
When DS was a year, I used his computer to check my Facebook page and noticed he had yahoo chat installed. I couple of clicks later and I found hundreds of emails to other women, he had been cheating on me constantly. I actually even made it easy for him to cheat, I had a year of maternity leave and I often went out of town to visit my extended family for a day or two.
Later that same day, I found his pof account and I was easily able to login and saw that he had been messaging several girls there too. My last straw came when reading messages from the previous day saying that he was available until 9pm. The reason he was available until 9pm was because I was at my grandmothers funeral with DS!
He's a pathological liar and a very narcissistic man. He's actually the definition of a loser and it's exhausting to coparent with him.
Luckily, I have sole legal custody. At the moment, he is being investigated by CPS and can only have supervised visits.
Anyways, I guess that's a bit of an intro too. I gain so much valuable advice on this board, so a big thank you as well.
Hey it's liu. The only reason I'm posting is because I really really like this thread. It shows so many variations of our journeys and how strong you ladies all are.
I'm perpetually starting over. I started posting on TN when I was married. I got married to XH when I was 23 and he was 24. We had been dating for 6 months before we got engaged, and he had broken up with me a few months earlier because I smoked cigarettes. He was straight edge and had a bad attitude about any drugs, alcohol, including nicotine. Our entire relationship he belittled me for smoking and drinking socially. He became addicted to video games and online gaming and he had a few gamer girlfriends and would dirty talk with them over XBox live. I was trying so hard to be someone I was not in that relationship that it made me insane. I finally snapped and initiated divorce the day I had to get an emergency ultrasound on my leg to look for blood clots. He told me I did it to myself because of smoking cigs and using birth control.
Shortly after moving out of our marital home, I met D on okcupid. It was an extremely unhealthy whirlwind relationship that turned very heavy and very serious very very quickly. I was codependent, fragile, and he manipulated me for somewhere to stay, someone to take care of him financially. He was on SSD and was a drug addict pathological liar. We were together a year and a half when he beat me physically and put me in the hospital for a week. I had a few suicide attempts during this time and it took me a very very long time to heal. I am probably not fully healed from loving that piece of shit. He currently has stage 4 lung cancer, lives in his car, and is a heroine junkie. I've come to terms with my past with him.
I met J while I had a black eye and fresh scars on my wrist. I liked the attention he gave me, and all of his friends told him to run from me. I was too fragile and I would chew him up and spit him out. He was the perfect rebound. He did whatever I wanted and he was easy to manipulate. I hated that he was not sexually experienced but it was better than being alone... Hindsight is 20/20... After 4 months of dating, I moved in with him because I couldn't afford my apartment and I couldn't be alone. I got pregnant and had S. I tried really hard to talk myself into the relationship and that we could be happy as a family but truth is I was miserable. I cheated during the relationship with a coworker and had an affair. Out of guilt, I told J the truth and he took me back no questions asked. I thought I was lucky and tried to make it work, but I couldn't. I kept feeling resentment toward him bc he wouldn't get his license or wash the dishes. I made a decision to leave and started an all out war with my family. I have very little support in this transition but we are trying to stay friends and do this the best possible way for S. I put a deposit on an apartment and should be starting to move next weekend, which would be our 2 year anniversary. He is already sleeping with a close (ex) friend of mine. I'm ready to push forward.
Everyone is in different places but we all will make it someday, some time.