Can we do a looking back thread?

[Deleted]

I know we have some new people here and I thought it might be helpful for them to learn about what brought some of us to SO in the first place and where we were at that point.

I started on this board a month or so after I left my exh so about three years ago. I was a MESS. I had jumped right from exh to dating a long-time friend (I mean in bed with him weeks after leaving my exh) and he treated me like shit. And I was SO IN LOVE WITH HIM. I believe I actually used the phrase "If George Clooney asked me out I would turn him down for this guy."

SPOILER ALERT: That relationship didn't work out. And he treated me poorly. But I was willing to take whatever little bit he would give me. I let him stay in my head for way too long. 

I continued this pattern of chasing men who were just not that into me which lead to several desperate and embarrassing moments and lots of tough love from the ladies on here. For which I made a ton of excuses for, but deep down I did listen:).

Anyways today I'm in a much better spot and I'd say I've only been her for about a year.  I still make mistakes, but I'm much happier in my life. It's been three years and I feel content. I used to be the most anxious over analyzer there was and I was really unhappy about everything.

My point is that is does get better and I don't even recognize the person I used to be. It was a hard road and it continues to be. But it's so so worth it. 

[Deleted]

I've been here for about 13 months now. I've actually been on this board more often in the last couple of months but have posted on and off along the way.

I decided to divorce my XH last February after I found out he was having an emotional affair. This was actually the second time it had happened, and I gave him a second chance the first time but felt 100% done after the second time. There were a lot of other reasons why we should have divorced or never married (bad temper, verbally abusive, terrible communication, incompatibility) but I guess I needed that final straw to feel like I had no doubts about ending it.

We lived together for financial reasons for about 3 months and it was mostly fine. We fought very little but being around each other and not fighting was confusing and while I never wavered that divorce was the right choice, I did struggle with the huge changes and with losing someone I shared such a huge part of my history with. When he moved out, I found I didn't miss him at all and lots of positive changes happened in the next few months - we sold our house, the divorce was finalized, I moved into my own place, and I went on my dream vacation to Europe all by myself. I really enjoyed being able to do whatever I wanted and not having to worry about anyone else.

I started dipping my toes in the dating waters in October and crazy enough, on my third date I met someone really great. We've been dating since then and I'm amazed every day how easy and fun it is to be with someone I'm compatible with who is kind, hilarious, and who I genuinely think is just the best to be around. It's been interesting learning how to date someone new and trust again but I couldn't be happier to be where I am right now. I can't believe that I ever thought being with my XH was "enough" now that I know how much better it can be. I also am at a point where I'm starting to appreciate the hard lessons I learned from being with my XH and I feel like I'm more aware of being the kind of partner I want to be and am capable of being in a relationship. It's been an interesting 13 months but I feel like I'm in such a good place these days.

[Deleted]

To be clear chalupa I'm liking for your sharing and having moved on. Not for having to deal with your ex.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2014 15:37:03 GMT -5 chalupa said:

Hoooly $hit chalupa! I knew he was nuts, but I hadn't heard a lot of the backstory. I'm so glad you got out of that situation. 

ETA: to remove quotes. 

[Deleted]

I actually got my start on TIP. I had just left my ex-FI in 2008 after having the wedding all planned and deposits all paid. I just did not want to marry him because I wanted more. He basically was a mama's boy who let her dictate his life. At one point she sat me down and told me that she and I would be making the decisions in the relationship from now on.

I always read and posted some on SO because I felt like I could relate to what a lot of people were going through even though I didn't have an official divorce. When we made our great escape almost two years ago, we lost a lot of TIPers and I basically just followed bowies over here. I knew enough ladies from the nest and felt at home posting here.

I've made a lot of strong friendships here and I feel like the most important thing is to know and take care of yourself - that's universal whether you are single or in a relationship. I feel like I still gain a lot of good knowledge and advice from people on here in their different stages of life.

[prettyinpearls]

I started on the Single Parents board on TB when there were normal people there (achase becwheat to name a few) in the very beginning stages of my separation and came over to SO when I was further into my divorce journey.

Here’s my story…

XH and I had a whirlwind romance. I ignored red flags. Got married. Found out I was PG 5 months later. After having B, I grew up and became a parent while XH still enjoyed his partying ways. This, coupled with my resentment towards him for all of the parenting fall on my shoulders, drove a wedge between us. I suspected he was having an affair, despite all his claims he wasn’t. When B was 8 months old, I asked XH if he loved me anymore and he gave me the classic “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” line. He moved out a few weeks later.

It took 4 months before I filed for divorce. During that time I was hell-bent on making my marriage work, despite having proof of his infidelity. Looking back, it was more because I didn’t want DS to have a two-house upbringing then it was that I really wanted to be with XH. Obviously this isn’t a good reason to stay with someone. Anyway during those 4 months I went to individual counseling, read The Love Dare and attempted to execute some of the ideas in there, read a Marriage Boot Camp book, etc. XH kept leading me on and dragging me through the ringer, yet he never lifted a finger to get a divorce. He still continued to deny having an affair despite me showing him our phone bills with her number all over it, having her drive XH and DS home to my house after one family holiday because he was too drunk, staying with her in a hotel on NYE, etc.

On our son’s birthday I told him I wanted a divorce. I was done. And that was my “ah-ha” moment. I felt so free. So relieved. As the ladies say on here, onward and upward! I think it was around this point that I found this board.

I’m the type of person who can let the little things go, I hate drama and I’m pretty laid back. I was emotionally healed from my divorce shortly after filing. I had learned so much about myself and my marriage during those 4 months that it was pretty easy to heal after starting the official divorce process.

FF (he’s a firefighter…not sure if the newer people know that? Thus why I call him FF) and I started dating 8 months after I separated from XH. That might seem quick to some, but for me it was just, right. I wasn’t actively looking to date anyone at the time, but he went into the credit union where my mom works and she told him I was getting a divorce. He also was in the final stages of a divorce, so we met up for drinks to reconnect and talk about our situations. I’ve known FF since we were in jr high (hence why my mom felt the need to disclose my marital status lol) – we went to the same school and were in a 4-H horse club together – so it was like talking to an old friend. Things just clicked between us, and we’ve been together 3 years next month. (Holy crap, 3 years???)

I try to not bring up my marriage on here because I know that it’s a sensitive topic for many. I will say that I learned SO MUCH from my experience that it has truly had an impact on my current marriage…in a positive way. I never dreamed I could be this happy and content with my life. Ever. The process I went through with XH was extremely painful but I’d do it all over again if it meant I’d be where I am today.

As for XH, he’s still with the OW. They’re “engaged” (I say it with “ “ because there’s no ring and they’ve broken up and gotten back together since the “engagement”) to be married this June. I really do hope it works out between them because I think she’s wonderful with B. He seems bonded to her and she does a lot for him. For this, I’m really grateful. I have zero ill feelings towards her because she’s the OW. If anything, I feel bad that XH has her under his spell. BUT…she did leave her FI to be with him, so I guess she’s no different than he is. I just hope that the two of them have their happily ever after for B’s sake.

Holy crap that was long.

[llh0211]

I don't know when I started posting. I know I lurked during the thick of it all. I think it was after I left that I finally did an intro.

I found out in two years ago that my ex was having an affair with a co-worker. I was sick, with a terrible cold. I had been tossing and turning all night. I got up at 11 or so, and got a drink of water. He had left a note saying that he ran to Jack in the Box to get something to eat. He was a night owl, so I didn't think anything of it. Until I got up again a couple hours later and he still wasn't home. I called and texted, he gave me some story about how he went to pick up a drunk friend from the bar. I didn't believe him, but I went to bed. The next morning, I looked at his phone, and got a few numbers from it. Looked at the account online, and saw that he had been texting one of his coworkers non-stop for the past 5 months.

It took about a month to finally decide that I didn't want to work on it. And that I wanted to move back to WA, where my family and close friends were. It was end of May when I finally was able to do that.

Like I've said, I don't post a lot. But, sadly, since many have been in my situation, I have really heeded a lot of the advice that has been given out. I feel like this board has been such a huge help in my healing process.

[becwheat]

I started on TTGP on TB, moved on to the SP board when I was 9 months pg and SO right after DD was born. I followed some of the other SP girls cause I got better advice here. I have a had a couple breaks from the interwebz, but I always come back. My story is below.

Some is stolen form my blog, cause it is daunting to explain this!:

My X and I met in 2008 and clicked immediately. We came from similar backgrounds and had a lot of common interests. He was a very dominate personality and I am laid back, he was a neat freak and I hate to clean… overall we just fit together. Everything was very easy for us relationship wise. He was very much a gentleman and very sweet. I fell hard and our relationship moved fast. We moved in together, got a dog, got engaged, got married and got pregnant. Very normal.

Then in June 2010 he was arrested for being a pedophile. I of course had no clue! I of course divorced him and had to actually fight him in court cause he was trying to get custody and visitation even though he was in federal prison for crimes against children... douche  

I dated for a short time a year after my ordeal, but was not ready and took a 2 year break to focus on me. In September I began dating a close friend I have known since HS and things are wonderful. We talk about our future and we are on the same page. DD has known him since birth and recently we began spending time all together. I would say that I am lucky... but I actually think that it is more about knowing what I want for myself, DD and what I want/need from a partner.

edited cause shit was too long and probably still is

[udscoobychick]

I dated my XFI for about three years--we split 4 months before the wedding. That was almost 4 years ago! He was a great guy, but he wanted kids, and I don't/didn't, so he called it off. So, Like doglove, I never actually went through a divorce, but I felt that I could relate a lot to the ladies who were. I was on the SO board on the other place from pretty much the day it started!

I recovered fairly quickly from the breakup, did some casual dating, and started dating my now-FI about 6 months after XFI and I split. FI and I have been together over three years now, and we're getting married in about 3 weeks! As I said in another post, I'm not really starting over any more, but I like the people on this board, so I stick around.

[Deleted]

These are really sad.

Me:

With my exH for almost 10 years. Married 6. We were together from when I was 21-30. We both had messed up childhoods, but in very different ways. We were young. We really loved each other for most of the time. We were probably a bit co-dependent on each other for different reasons.

He lied to avoid problems, and then it seemed he lied to lie.

I was mean and unhappy. Viscous cycle of poor behavior on both sides ensues.

He cheated after a couple of years of marriage (together about 6 years at that point).

It took me too long to get over it. (Really, I should've just left. It was broken.)

His family was the pits.

Things never really rebounded and he secretly lined up a job in his hometown and left one Friday. I came home from work to a process server with divorce papers. He took one of the two dogs and his clothes and left. No closure will make anyone crazy.

I freaked out. I felt sad, scared, and alone. Begged him to work on things.

Cue him going from not giving me his phone or contact info, to saying he regretted the divorce, to not speaking to me, to saying he wanted to be a family, to saying he was coming back, to ghosting out, etc etc etc.

He got engaged about 8 months after our divorce was finalized. By my math, he was probably cheating on her by talking to me/saying he wanted to come back, etc. I emailed him about the dog and got a "cease and desist" from her/him (lol).

Lots of drama in between, and I am embarrassed I didn't let go sooner. But it was a jolt and shock and it stayed shocking over all that time.

We haven't spoken at all in about 15 months or so. We've been separated (and later divorced) for about 2 years.

I haven't been this happy in years.

I was sad and hurt, and then picked myself up and learned to enjoy life by myself. It took a long time. I started dating about a year after we split. Time solo is really important to healing/growing. I really believe that.

I only went on a few dates and I met a great guy last fall and today I am enjoying life very much.

I feel strong and it's good to know I can rely on myself.

[locarb]

XH and I separated last February and divorced in June after being together for 10 yrs. we have 2 kids together. We fought often , were unhappy and didn't want to raise our children in a dysfunctional relationship. It was rough at first. Now we are amicable and realize we get along better not being married.

Unfortunately, due to a heavy workload and parenting my time posting has decreased. I still chime in on the board when I can.

[Deleted]

@gypsy I agree that a lot of the starting places are really sad, but I think it's good to see how far people have come and are in such better places with their lives.

[Deleted]

My ex and I were together for 8 years and married for 4.

I'll spare everyone most of the details, but I'll describe our relationship to say that about 90% of the time things were great, but the 10% of the time when things were bad, they were really bad. He was emotionally abusive about a year or so in to our marriage and it took me a little bit of time to actually realize how bad it was.

We went to counselling for about a year, which helped on a more superficial level, but didn't help with the deeper problems.

I finally told him I wouldn't put up with it anymore when I was driving and I got lost and he called me dumb and stupid and hoped that I died. Over reaction much! It actually hit him that I was serious about divorce after he signed in to my email (without my permission) and read an email that I sent to my best friend telling her that I wasn't giving him another chance. After that, I knew I was doing the right thing.

This was all almost 2 years ago. Unfortunately, we're not officially divorced yet because we both live overseas now, but I move back to the U.S. in 1.5 weeks and will be starting the divorce process asap.

[sharic]

My marriage ended just 4 days after I went to a wedding with my husband (of 3 years) and he met and "fell in love" with a woman at said wedding. We divorced 3 short months later, I moved out, she moved in and now they are married with a child and still living in my old home.

Since then, I've moved into a condo, finished my Master's degree, been in 2 relationships, (both lasting a year and a half - I find I am extremely bored with them at that point, and we end things). I have been on a Caribbean and a Meditteranean cruise with my BFF, and am planning a trip to Vegas with her in April.

I feel completely content by myself, and don't know if I will find someone that I can picture spending the rest of my life with. I am okay with that, for now;). I am happy and content, and that marriage feels like a full lifetime and a whole other "me" ago:)

[cam13]

I was with my XH for 13 years, married for 7 years, high sweethearts and all that jazz. We got married at 23 and divorced before we were 30.

We actually loved each other a great deal and had a solid relationship, until life threw some really heavy stuff at us and we crumbled. In a span of 4 years- my Dad had a massive stroke and was dx with colon cancer, we had 4 family deaths, my health took a nose dive, we moved out of state, and dealt with infertility. XH wasn't able to father children and the resulting fallout of that caused him to change drastically and he actually became very emotionally abusive and controlling. I was dx with severe depression and just as the medication was starting to help, my Dad lost his fight against cancer.

XH left me 10 months after my Dad died and 2 months after we bought a huge house and moved back to our hometown. I was devastated and it took me months to get back on level ground, I stumbled on to this board about 2 months after my split. It's been 17 months since he left and I am in such a different place now. My divorce was the best thing for me and I'm actually grateful that SOB left me. I have a full life, just started my own photography business and have a wonderful BF.

XH and I are actually friends now, it took some time but I'm glad we're friends. I've known him since I was 16, he's a huge part of my history and despite how shitty he treated me, I've forgiven him. Don't get me wrong, we don't call each other up weekly and chat but when we do have to talk (I got the house, which he pays for), it's friendly. He comes by every couple of months and we end up chatting for an hour every time. I'm happy now and wouldn't change a thing that happened between us.

[stephreloaded]

I started on the tri boards back in 2008 when pregnant with DD. I was engaged to the ex but we broke up when I was 5 months pregnant. I then moved to the Blended families board because I had a whole bunch of legal questions and that was my main board for a while. I had a long and complicated custody case so I could move back with DD to my home country.

Then I was on SPs with some other posters like Achase and Blondnearby. I lurked a lot on SO when it was on the nest and started posting when it started on here.

The ex and I get along although we might have petty disagreements sometimes. He is actually coming tomorrow morning to visit DD and I'm not looking forward spending the next 5 days with him because we are fighting for really stupid things.

I am not posting as much because I'm really busy at work and feel that my life is pretty uneventful.

My dating life has been pretty much non existent since the ex so it's been almost 6 years. Most times I feel good about it but today I am having a pity party.

[redredwine]

I came here about 3 1/2 years ago after my XH randomly told me he wanted a divorce while I was away visiting my parents, like out of the blue. He had already moved out when he told me he wanted out (as in, I went to the airport then he and his dad moved his stuff out?!) Anyway, looking back shortly after, it was for the best. We weren't happy, he loved to start fights for some reason and we had a very different communication style. He wasn't a bad guy, perse, but I'm amazed at how much time I spent unhappy, walking on eggshells, and turning into someone that I really didn't like. I just NEVER thought I could go through admitting we weren't working out. Also, I'm pretty sure he had at least an emotional affair with a girl he met only months, weeks, before in grad school (who we hung out with) and he moved in with her weeks after he left me. Eh, whatever-they're a better match for each other.

I was physically numb for about a month and I remember the feeling of that time so much. I journaled ALOT which really really helped. Luckily I had the BEST family and friends, even though I had only moved to my town about 9 months before (*knowing no one when I moved here). My boss was awesome, and the friends I made here took me in even more. I made the active choice to stay in current state vs. moving back to home state. Everyone thought I'd move back, but I stayed. Best thing I ever did. Oh, and insist on custody of our dog. I drank alot (not to unhealthy levels), went out alot, and put my anger into healthy things like work and running. I went on two dates only two months in and when he told me I "wasn't ready for a relationship", it hurt but he was right. I then went on to be single for about 16 months? No sex...no dates. (vibes are your FRIEND people!) Might have been some making out in there, but honestly...my single days were the BEST thing I did for myself. I really developed ME. I focused on good, positive things, surrounded myself with good people.

I online dated for a solid year...took a few breaks here and there. Met some nice guys, guys that weren't right for me, and guys that I was into but just weren't that into me. I went on ALOT of dates and for the most part, I enjoyed it. I met N a little over a year ago and he wasn't someone I was sure about going out with. Glad I did...every single day, I'm amazed by this guy and thankful he came into my life. I didn't know it could be this good, I didn't know you could actually get along with someone like this. I think we truly make each other better and compliment each other so well. I think we appreciate each other more because of our past relationships, which means that I really don't regret XH or getting divorced. It got me here today.
N and I are getting married this August and while I know I conquer life by myself, especially after going through a divorce, I can't imagine going through the rest of my life with anyone else by my side.

Since almost 4 years ago: I'm doing great things in my career, have accomplished quite a few races (well, "finished runs" as I'm a SLOW runner!), volunteered with some great organizations, developed the most awesome relationship with my puppy, strengthened and created great friendships and had alot of laughs (and eye rolls) on this board. It's been a great support system the past four years. It's awesome to see how far I've come and want to tell everyone else that it gets better!Being single can be the best thing in the world, and though it's tough, make sure you take time to get to know and develop YOU! Don't engage in crazy, don't get desperate, if you're able to cut ties completely with your XH that was really what I needed so I recommend it. Remember-you deserve the BEST. Don't settle for anything less.

[redredwine]

PS-I tend to ramble on.

[doriswe]

I honestly have no clue when I ended up here, but it feels like a life time!

I was married just shy of a year when I found out XH was having an emotional affair. We tried to work through things....he was depressed and had anxiety and threatened to kill himself....I was avoidant and would shut down. He moved out, assuring me we'd work it out, and when he reconnected with the OW on FB, I was done.

I spent almost a full year on my therapist's couch working on me and getting my feet back on the ground. After things fell apart, I completed my masters degree, changed jobs, traveled a lot, found a church, got my own mortgage, made new friends, pushed myself further than I ever thought I could go and really focused on me and learning to "just be"....all while raising my amazing kids!

My divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, but it was also the catalyst for a million new amazing experiences that I wouldn't have had an opportunity to experience otherwise! I am still learning and growing and hope I'm setting a good example for my kids.

[Deleted]

redredwine your update makes me tear up a little. I'm SO happy for you and N. You two are just the most spectacular couple!

[bowies]

The newbies have no idea who I am, lol.

I don't know how I ended up on SO. I think I just saw it on the sidebar one day. I was already in the thick of my divorce when it was born into the heavens by the Nest Gods. I was a certified mess during the months preceding my separation and the months during it. TIP got the brunt of it. Once I made the decision to tell my XH I was divorcing him, I really leveled out. If I could change anything about the experience, I wouldn't have waffled for so long.

I don't even know where to start with the story of my XH and I. I feel like if every reason for divorce were laid out on a list, I'd have to go with "all of the above." We met in college. I was 19 (yikes). He was 21. My parents had major reservations about him but knew better than to talk me out of it...they figured I'd eventually dump him. Too bad that took 10 years. I knew he was a dick to most people but he was great to me. We had a mental connection and wanted the same things out of life, or so I thought. After college he got a job a few hours away and I went with him. That's when he majorly pulled away, withholding any real affection. He blamed me for being boring, I blamed myself too, and I gained a lot of weight. I was so isolated and so feared failure that I stayed. We still had a physical relationship but I was basically just a hole to him. From the outside looking in, you'd never know there was a problem. I fooled myself into thinking our friendship was enough.

After almost 6 years together, we got married. It was the next step. I knew he didn't really want it...he insisted on a long engagement and threatened to cancel the wedding a few weeks before. The wedding day was strained. We bought a house - 4 bedrooms so we could start our family. I got whoops-pregnant a few months later and miscarried early. I was devastated, he celebrated. That was the first time divorce was mentioned. I was more alone then than ever. I tried confiding in a friend but she ended up dumping me. I stayed. We had more good days than bad and we swept things under the rug for the most part. Our physical relationship had deteriorated to an astounding level. He hadn't slept in the same bed as me for years (since before we married) and if he did come into the bedroom in the middle of the night, it was to sexually assault me while I was asleep. I was also having major issues with my mom during this time so I really had no support system outside of him. He was also having family issues that he refused to deal with (abusive childhood at the hands of an alcoholic father...his dad fell off the wagon again).

A couple years later, we moved again and everything went off the rails. His simmering alcohol problem exploded. His job was high stress and even more stressful based on the fact that he was under qualified. I again found myself far away from friends and totally dependent on him. He started staying out all night. I suspected an affair. Eventually, arrogantly, he asked for a separation. I'll never forget the look on his face, baiting me, challenging me to stop him. I fought hard to keep us together and he strung me along for a time by wanting to go to counseling. One day he didn't show up and the counselor did an intervention on me, telling me he was abusive. I kept going back and forth on it for the next month, until I discovered he'd stolen a credit card from me and maxed it out to the tune of $16K. I hired a lawyer that day and never looked back. He fought me every step of the way. XH got married a few months after it was finalized to his 20-year-old mistress.

I took a solid year to process and grieve and go to therapy. Not so much to answer the why he did that to me, but how I allowed it to happen. I lived on my own for the first time. I thrived. I became an adult. A happy adult who finally knew herself. After the year was up I dated a couple of guys and had great sex for the first time in forever, and then I met my now H who gave me a great partner alongside that great sex. My parents and friends adore him and we've all forgotten about my extended stay in Badboyville. We got married 6 months ago and are expecting a baby boy in July. We're both thrilled. There's no way I would have attracted a solid guy like him without healing myself first. In a very strange way, I needed the experience of divorce to finally do the hard work on making my life what I wanted it to be.

In case you're wondering what became of my XH: from what I've heard, he's on divorce number two.

[achase123]

I joined the SO board from being on the Single Parent board on the unnamed site.  I doubt I was in a very good place when I joined this board.  Things were pretty much DRAMA for at least a year after XH and I broke up and I posted a ton about that.  Eventually things started to get better and calm down a little.  

I feel like I've grown a lot since I started posting (hello, posting pics of a shirtless dude I was dating, wow) and my tastes have developed from thinking that I needed someone that was basically eye candy and we had a physical connection to wanting someone I respect and with whom I have an emotional connection.

I find that the longer I'm single, the more I discover about myself.  I've been single almost 5 years now.  I definitely know that I've gotten stronger.  I would have never thought I could've taken  brand new job, three hours from friends and family, with just me and P.  But, for the most part, I'm navigating through it all and doing pretty well at it, with a  few bumps in the road here and there for sure.

I still want a relationship but I am not willing to settle for the wrong person and I don't really believe in dating just for the sake of it so I don't do it that often.  

I actually made a list just the other day for qualities that I need in someone and I'm going to stick to it.  

Dating with a child has been one of the biggest challenges I've faced along the way and I haven't always done it perfectly.  I'm grateful for the tough love on here, for the most part, that's helped me work through things and see them more clearly.  

[Deleted]

I came over here after being on the other site.  It's a long story, but I'll try and make it short.   Originally I was on the TTC board there, then SO.  I met xh about a year after I broke up with a long term bf and I was still on the rebound.  It was a whirlwind romance, he was very charming, but clearly very different from me.  I ignored many, many red flags.  He was controlling and I became isolated from my friends.  We got married after being together 3 years and it was a poor choice.  My parents begged me not to stay with him.    He was emotionally, verbally and eventually at the last stage, physically abusive.  When I caught him cheating (via the cell phone bill) he denied it, but it was the straw that broke the camels back.  I filed for divorce and moved out.  It was the best thing that could have happened.  My mom and stepdad helped me through it all.  I was able to rekindle friendships lost and become myself again.  
When I look back, I don't even recognize myself during that time.  It's like a bad dream.  

[cuddlyevil]

I started out on the other site before I got married in 2004. Joined TIP on TN because the people were good and it was fun. Made the move here during the exodus. Hung out on TIP and ML mostly.

Came to SO last summer when I really started to have trouble with where things were headed in my marriage. To own the truth it was about this time last year that it hit me full on that I was going to have to leave my husband. It was the day I spent pretty much the whole day crying. It was when stbx was playing that stupid game on his phone. Sundays were our only day together as a whole family. He slept in like he usually did, then got up and got on the can. I would ask him to come down with us to give me a break so I could shower, he'd say "I'll be up off of here in a little bit" or "Just getting up now" but he didn't. When he finally did, he ran out the door to help SFIL sell his van--he was gone for 2 hours. Then he came home, choked down dinner and went back upstairs. The kids and I saw him for 30 minutes. That day was when it hit me like a thunderbolt: "I'm going to have to leave him". We had a come to jesus talk and things got better, but not for long.

I've been here probably since July. The ladies here have helped me stay strong and boosted me when I needed it. Stbx and I are near filing (just have to type up the last bit for the attorney) and I hope to move the kids and I out soon. I am not even near the other side yet but I feel so much more like me--it's been years since I've felt like this. I feel genuine hope again, I know things will suck for a bit but they're only going to get better.

[gault]

I'm leaving work in a sec so this will be short.

I started on TIP, lurking mostly. I met xh in college, friends first and then dating. We started fooling around, and one night most of our clothes were off and he kept pressing sex. Before I knew what was happening he was on top of me, and I said no several times, pushed on his chest, and he entered me anyway. So that was my first experience with sex. I thought since it didn't happen the way these things "typically" happen (violent, with a stranger, lots of pain) that it wasn't really rape. And my self-image was so poor I thought that was it for me - he's who loved me, so that's who I was going to be with. We broke up briefly more than a year later in which he tried to get me back for a summer, dated another girl behind my back, and confessed to being a habitual liar. I took him back. I was 20 and stupid.

We got engaged and married, and the more we were together the more controlling he was, belittling, emotionally abusive, and my sex drive decreased into nothing. I didn't ever want to, I dreaded it, and I thought that's just how I was. That I didn't enjoy it - when really it was him and the relationship and bad sex with an abusive rapist was all I knew. Some other sexual abuse happened in between that is just too long to get into. He would walk in front of me, never beside me. He would make fun of me in front of friends. Once he stuffed his socks (ones he was wearing) into my mouth while sitting on top of me and thought it was funny. Things like that. We had moved across the country for his schooling, so my friends were far away, and my new friends were all his friends. I was isolated.

After he had some family drama, I went to a counselor to try to be able to be there for him. But really, something had snapped inside of me and I knew I needed to do something. I was a shell person, completely passive in my own life, and his family stuff (dad having a 12-year affair) made me realize I didn't want to become his mother, who was also a shell person.  

After I saw the counselor and brought up his family drama, I said there's something else I wanted to talk about. So everything came out, I asked her if it sounded bad enough to leave him, she said absolutely. So within a week, I found a car, told a work friend, packed my shit while he was at work, and left.  I started posting on TIP and getting advice, support, and feedback from people who had been through similar things.  I didn't feel so alone. The divorce was tricky, he found my new address and started trying to come into my house, work was alerted in case he tried to come in, etc. It was rough. He did the classic manipulation tactics.

It took years and lots of therapy to get over, and my family really wanted me to move back to my home state, but like redredwine, I'm so glad I made the decision to stay there. It gave me a chance to develop as someone I wanted to be, without any outside influence trying to sway me one way or another. I was (still am to an extent) a big people-pleaser and cared a lot about what my parents thought of me, so a lot of what I did in my life was because it would make them happy. So I made myself happy little by little. And (who'da thunk) my sex drive came back full-force.

While I was with my xh I gained over 100 pounds. In 2011 I decided to finally do something about it, and lost a total of 130 pounds - 170 overall. It has been one of the great accomplishments of my life. I've gained a bit back this winter. But knowing I have the capacity and strength to do something like that has been really empowering. I started running - something I NEVER would have invisioned myself doing.  I gained self-confidence. I lost everything I had gained while with him, plus more. I thought it would make me feel good, knowing that his last "hold" over me was finally gone. But when I hit that milestone, it didn't matter so much anymore.

TIP helped so much to get me through the divorce and realize I was worth more and deserved better than what I had. More than a year ago, after the exodus, I started posting on SO and have made some of my best friends here



LOL.  This is so not short.  Sorry.

[sweetchix]

I actually started out on TK way back when I was engaged and planning my wedding.Then I moved to TB, then TN, which is where I found TIP, and eventually SO (lots of abbreviations there, lol).

XH and I dated for about a year and split. We were just fighting a lot, and we weren't even living together. While we were split, I dated another guy, but ended that relationship a few months in. I called XH to get my computer back and we started talking again, planned a camping trip, and 6 months later we were engaged.

Our engagement lasted about a year and 1/2, and I was never all tht excited about the whole process. A month before out wedding, we were coming home from a friend's wedding late at night. I was driving, and hit a deer. The first words out of his mouth were not "are you ok", they were "fuck! Why didn't you swerve?!?" The morning of our wedding I talked to him on the phone and he sounded horrible. I tried to shrug it off as nerves, but I think he was second guessing things and just never said anything.

2 years later I had DD1. Things started falling back the way they had when we were dating and split. Fighting, his parents not giving us space, stress over being new parents, him not taking on as much parental and house duties... 2 years later I got pg again and miscarried. A month later I got pg with DD2. At one point during thy pregnancy, I was ready to walk out. But I chalked it up to hormones. I never felt that we bonded more over having children. Shortly after we started having issues again.

We started growing distant, we started fighting a lot, stopped having sex and saying we loved each other. I became very unhappy and realized that we never should have gotten married in the first place. I ignored all those signs that were there before in the hopes they would just go away. I went to a counselor on my own to talk it out with someone, but I knew going in I wanted a divorce. Our marriage was over.

I told him and he begged me to reconsider. I told him it wasn't me that he wanted back, but the "family". He went from professing his love for me to along me a bitch. He dug his heels in for everything with the divorce. I thought we'd end up in family court over custody of DDs, but we finally came to an agreement. In order or avoid court, and for me to have residential custody of the girls, I had to agree to some ridiculous "requests" of his. One of which is where I can live. I cannot move further north of a certain street without his permission, or the court's permission.

It'll be a year next month since I moved out of our house, and a year in May since our divorce was finalized. We've had a lot of bumps the past year, and I expect there to be more. But my most important duty in life is to do good for my kids, even if it means giving up some things that I may think are important, but aren't really in the long run.

[starrieskies]

I started out on TN about 3 years ago, and moved over here during the exodus. I'm a little bit shy, and tend to keep to myself a lot, but I'm working on that too. =) I kind of gravitated toward TIP, and posted occasionally over here too, but lurked more than I posted.

Stbx and I met in kindergarten. We played sports together as kids, and went to the same high school. We started dating 4 years after high school. It was a whirlwind.

I ignored a million blazing red flags; he manipulated me into letting him move into MY apartment after we'd been dating for 3 months, he told me he loved me after dating for 2 weeks, he asked me to marry him (the first time)after our 1 month anniversary... Once he moved in with me, things gradually got worse. I didn't keep the apartment clean to his standards, I didn't cook the way he wanted me to, I didn't dress the way he thought I should... I could go on and on... I was not allowed to go grocery shopping unless he was with me and when we were out I couldn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me first, and even then I had to keep it short.

In short he controlled everything about my life. He deemed my friends bad influences, and I was no longer allowed to talk to any of them. The ones that he couldn't get me to ignore, he made up stories about and tricked me into not trusting them. I was very isolated. But I thought he loved me and I thought that was just the way it was supposed to be. He told me that he got so possessive because he cared so much, and no one in the world would ever love me as much as he did... I believed him.

We got married in 2004, this July would have been our 10 year anniversary. After the wedding, he seemed to become a completely different person... I mean, he wasn't great before, but it just got worse. Emotional abuse and control, turned into physical and sexual abuse, he started abusing alcohol and drugs, and his violent outbursts became much worse. I got really good at putting on a happy face.

Like gault, my weight skyrocketed. I went from a size 10 to a size 24 in a matter of 2 years and I became very depressed. I was so incredibly unhappy, but I also believed that no one else would want me. It didn't occur to me that it would be ok if no one else did. I had been conditioned to believe that I should not and could not be alone. I began to internalize all of the anger and hurt that I was feeling and I began to truly hate the person I saw in the mirror.

I started counseling about 3 years ago. I knew that my marriage was not right, and I thought it was my fault. I needed to know how I could fix it. What I learned was that while I did (do) have some significant issues, my marriage was in trouble because it was not healthy. And stbx was toxic.

It took me a long time to come to terms with that, and I struggled with how to leave, and where to go... All the logistics of leaving an abusive partner. I felt very alone, but used that time to do a lot of reading and a lot of preparing mentally.

I finally left about 7 months ago, and my divorce will be final (if all goes well) in April. I have not felt this good about myself in a LONG time. I'm back down to a much healthier weight, although I do have about 30 lbs to go before I'm where I would really like. I have started dipping my toes in the dating pool a little bit, and my sex drive has returned like WHOA! My coworkers and friends (yes, even stbx's friends) have commented on how much more confident and happy I seem, and I really am. I have my moments, but for the most part, life is good!

[feelthelight]

sorry to jump in here, but I just wanted to say these stories brought me to tears. so many similarities among them and my own story. it's amazing how strong you all are! I too have come very far but still feel broken and damaged. I keep wondering when I will feel whole again and confident to date. This gives me faith. thank you so much for sharing!

[starrieskies]

feelthelight, hugs! It does get better

[cuddlyevil]

feelthelight, it gets better. I promise! You will get there, give it time.