AE with an issue re: depression and alcoholism

[Deleted]

I'm a regular on another board, but I lurk on here quite a bit and know that there are a lot of people who have dealt with these issues, and/or have great advice.

Anyway, currently I have no one to go to IRL to discuss these issues and I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed. 2 days ago I found out my husband has a drinking problem. The signs were all there for a long time, but we had a breaking point the other day and I was finally able to see things clearly for the first time. He didn't come to me with the problem though, I discovered it and brought it up to him. He's an amazing person and husband, and his drinking has never caused any problems at work; in fact, when he's buzzed or drunk, he's extremely loving and happy towards me. He's always been a quiet guy and doesn't talk about his feelings much, but when he drinks (as much as I really hated it because I felt like he did it too much) he actually opens up and seems so much happier. But as it turns out, he has been lying to me a lot about how much he was actually drinking. By all other accounts I thought we had an amazing and happy marriage, so this hurts.

After talking allll day about things, it finally came up that he thinks it is caused by depression, which I never really suspected, so that was a bombshell. He didn't call it that, but said that he just feels "stuck" in life, like there's nothing to look forward to, everything is the same old same old, and he has trouble finding joy in life. And this is HUGE of him to say, because he's not a feelings guy at all. He said drinking for him helped him relax and just feel happy and it was something "exciting" in way to look forward to. And until yesterday, he never realized how bad the problem had become.

Long story short, I can tell, and he's said in so many words, that he feels horrible now for letting his drinking become an issue, and for now feeling like he's a burden on me and his family. I think he truly feels like a failure and is so mad at himself. Instead of feeling better that it's out there now, he feels worse and seems more upset than I've ever seen him, which worries me. He's open to counseling and I already called today to set up an appointment. But today he mentioned 2 things this morning that really stuck with me. 1) He doesn't know how to approach the fact that he can't drink anymore with people--mostly work people who tend to go out for a couple beers after work at least a couple times a week. It makes him feel weak and embarrassed, and 2) He's worried that there really is no way to help him feel better. I don't think he has confidence that counseling and maybe even medicine will help.

If you or a loved one has experienced depression and/or alcoholism caused by it, are these feelings normal? Does it really get better? Is it better to be open with the world about it, or keep it just between the 2 of us? Also, I'm worried about him opening up to a counselor. I'm guessing they are trained to deal with people like that, but he HATES being a problem to anybody else but himself and I feel like he might not be open in order to make it seem like his problems aren't that bad and he can handle them. Finally, what can I do as a spouse to support him the best? I'm worried about him being alone now since that's when most of his drinking occurred. I want to trust that he won't drink, but I just can't...and yet I can't babysit him all day every day.

Sorry for the novel, for the short version just read the last 2 paragraphs. Thanks.

[iamali]

You'll need to get into Al-Anon and I would imagine the counselor will suggest AA for him.

From my knowledge of situations like this, he'll have to just NOT go out with these people, or suggest and alternative that does not involve drinking/coming into contact with alcohol. I think feeling like you won't be able to get help is normal.

(((hugs)))

[jennistarr1]

I would actually seek treatment for depression and supplement with alcohol treatment...I think he should try an anti-depressant but he can't drink with that so he needs support with abstinance....do you think he would experience withdrawal symptoms

[hopecounts]

Al-Anon and a therapist for you and a therapist and AA for him.
Self medicating with alcohol is not at all uncommon.
If he is serious about it there is no reason he can't get sober with help.
For your marriage only you can decide if you can rebuild the trust.

[5thofjuly]

Alcohol is a depressant, so until he gets sober, it won't be clear whether alcohol caused the depression or that he's been self-medicating for depression with alcohol. I highly recommend AA and Alanon, but please keep in mind that each group has its own personality, so you may have to try several before you each find the one that's a good "fit" for you.

[gullterre15]

First of all I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I come from a long line of alcoholics and I am in current divorce negotiations with an alcoholic drug addict so I know what you're going through. The first step is to admit that you have a problem. Your husband sounds like a really standup guy in that he's going to go to counseling and nip this thing in the bud.... give him a hug and lots more for that.  I totally agree with the Alcoholics Anonymous idea. Even better, see if there is a Celebrate Recovery program at one of the churches in your area if you are religious. Once a week they have services where you have a short praise service with a lecture by the pastor. After that ladies talk in one room and the men talk in another.  It is for both partners and alcoholics alike.  

[Deleted]

Thanks so much for all the responses. Is it usually recommended to seek separate treatments for each spouse? I just want to make sure that whatever happens, we're working on our marriage and relationship as well. I really can't imagine life without him, he's always been my rock, and I want to make sure we do everything we can to also mend the marriage. I guess you can't have a healthy relationship without 2 healthy partners...

[CurlyQ284]

My parents became depressed after my dad lost his job and had trouble finding a new one. They became alcoholics but my dad was a mean drunk so it had a pretty bad effect on me. 11 years later my dad had cirrhosis and a liver transplant. They never admit depression and seek treatment.

The fact that he can figure out what it stems from and admits the depression is a great first step. Counselors are amazing, they can help you work through your issues or sometimes just talking to someone is enough for you to figure it out (with some counselor guidance). I would recommend he see a counselor and see what they suggest. I don't know much about AA but he should try to be open to what the counselor suggests and give it a try even if it's outside his comfort zone.

I'm not sure what to do about the social drinking. My parents aren't very social, they just got rid of all the booze in the house and they haven't had a drink in almost 2 years. Best of luck to your H!
((Hugs))

[nomad100]

((HUGS)) This has to be shocking and upsetting and a whole host of other emotions.

Regarding the socializing concern - as someone who had a drinking problem, I can tell you figuring out how to navigate social situations without drinking was hard. Really hard. Like I avoided it for over a year since I had no idea how to go out and not drink. I used excuses to get out of activities that would involve drinking and spent a lot of time being lonely because my entire social life revolved around alcohol. I was single and living alone at the time so had plenty of time to wallow in my own perceived craptasticness. Now, being older, I should have gotten myself into some counseling but being young and stupid I never did.

I finally confided in a close friend on how I just didn't know how to cope with feeling like I could never go out again. So she became my wingman of sorts and we started going out together to activities where others were drinking. Helping me deflect when people tried to buy me drinks, not drinking with me, offering us up as designated drivers so I had an "excuse" for not drinking, etc. That, for me at least, was very helpful. It got my "nope, not drinking tonight" legs under me and, after a while (at least another year), I was able to go out, have fun and not drink. But it was a long and TBH painful process and didn't start until I had my own drinking, as well as the reasons for my drinking, under control.

[5thofjuly]

I don't think I'd try to throw marriage counseling in right this second while he's trying to establish a sense of sobriety, though others may disagree with me. It's going to take a while for the fog to clear for him, anyway, and if he's already feeling overwhelmed, that may add too much to his plate all at once.

[Deleted]

Good luck to both of you. I really hope he can eventually appreciate the strength he has shown in taking this step and the new hope he has given for both of your lives.

I have a number of friends in my life who have given up drinking because they are either clinical alcoholics or they simply felt alcohol wasn't a positive part of their lives. Most have taken the approach of saying something like "I don't drink--I have it up a few years ago", etc. Most people respond positively. I'm sure it depends on the person whether they need to avoid occasions where alcohol is served or not. My friend comes to the bar to play trivia with is and some of the party drinks, some don't and everyone is comfortable with that.