Wish I could forget, but took a big step (rape related)

[wishicouldforget]

This is an ae obviously. I don't want it associated with my regular screen name.

I was raped 13 years ago. I never told anyone. It was done by multiple men and included being drugged. I never told my H since he wasn't in the picture at that point, and I don't want to talk to him about all of it. I never told any friends, doctors, therapists, etc. I dealt with it in my own way which was to essentially push it aside and pretend it never happened.

I had a really difficult night last night with a lot of flashbacks of what I do remember (almost like a movie in my head) and questioning how a person I trusted and I knew had kids could do this to someone.

I sent a text to a friend that knows the people who did it. They are affiliated with the same social organization. Friend and I are extremely close, but I never told him. I finally broke down and told him when he called this morning. He was shocked and angrier than I've ever heard him. He is frustrated that I never told anyone, but totally understands why. I never cried about it when it happened. I never cried about it over the years. I just pushed it all away. It was so good to tell someone. To cry about it. To have my experience validated in a way.

I begged him not to say anything to anyone and he promised. He did say that there has been some other questionable behavior with the instigator of this situation over the years, which makes me feel guilty that I never brought it up. What if he did this to someone else because he got away with it when he did it to me

I'm also struggling with how to help prevent something like this happening to my kids. I knew the person. I thought I was in a safe place. And it still happened.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

[alzi]

I'm so sorry. Would you consider seeing someone? They could help you cope with all of your feelings

[iamali]

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

Honestly, you need to be in therapy for this.

[hopecounts]

((Hugs))
I really think you should speak to a therapist none of this is your fault and maybe talking to someone uninvolved will give you a safe place to work through your feelings.

[shostakovich]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Have you considered counseling? You can find a counselor or therapist that specializes in sexual abuse - I recommend looking here: centers.rainn.org/.

Also, if you were under 18 at the time of your assault, you might still be able to reach out for prosecution - this varies by state, but might be something to look in to, if you feel you are ready.

Huge, huge hugs.

[MWOS]

For 13 years you have been coping with this, in the best way you were able to. Now, at this point, for whatever reason, that coping mechanism isn't working and you'll have to find a new one.

www.rainn.org/

Click this link. There is an online hotline and a 1-800 number. It's a place to start, and you need a place to start.

[wishicouldforget]

Thank you for the kind replies. I was over 18 at the time. Part of why I never said anything was that I didn't want the "ringleader's" kids to have an repercussions from his actions. That sounds fucked up because he should have consequences for what he did and what if he has done something to them?

I will go through the link and think about seeking counseling. It feels very "woe is me" to think about this stuff now. I've had a good life with very few issues because of this. I am good at swallowing my feelings apparently.

[margarita]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. NONE of it was your fault.
Please seriously consider counseling. It could help you cope in new ways and begin to heal. You deserve that. (((hugs)))

[pittsmcgee]

I am so sorry this happened to you.
I think MWOS's advice is spot on. Also therapy. Huge hugs to you.

[jennistarr1]

if you are still having flashbacks, guilt, shame...you still need treatment, I think telling your husband would be a major step,l then following up with counseling

[MWOS]

Here's why it isn't woe is me to deal with it. Because, for 13 years, you could push it away. Now you can't. I'm sure you would have this time if you could have, because who the fuck wants to dig through this? But you couldn't this time. It's different this time. And because it's different, you have to do something different.

[gullterre15]

These feelings, dreams, cryfest, etc are in NO way woe is me. In a way, perhaps your reaction 13 years ago of just repressing what happened was associated with not wanting to be all "woe is me"..... But you were raped. You were drugged. You deserve justice or at least some kind of peace of mind through therapy and support from loved ones. Often times when women are sexually abused, raped or harassed by someone they know, they feel like it is just better not to say anything bc all of the issues they will have to deal with.....well that stinks! I am so sorry you are going through this. Lean on us!

[iamali]

Mar 7, 2014 12:19:37 GMT -5 wishicouldforget said:

Thank you for the kind replies. I was over 18 at the time. Part of why I never said anything was that I didn't want the "ringleader's" kids to have an repercussions from his actions. That sounds fucked up because he should have consequences for what he did and what if he has done something to them?

I will go through the link and think about seeking counseling. It feels very "woe is me" to think about this stuff now. I've had a good life with very few issues because of this. I am good at swallowing my feelings apparently.

I'm a sexual abuse survivor. I thought I could just bury it as well, but it comes out in SO MANY ways in your everyday life. I can honestly say if I didn't start getting help I wouldn't have survived. Most people won't relate to this, but suicide was always on the table for me because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and automatic responses that I "learned" through always keeping my mouth shut.

At this point you've protected every other person in your life from this, now is the time to start protecting yourself.  Please do so. During therapy it may get worse before it gets better, but the better part is so, so, so worth it.

[MWOS]

I know everyone is pushing therapy- therapy is really good. But if going from never thinking/speaking of this to sitting face to face with a stranger and going into detail is freaking you out, that's okay. You can just take this one step at a time.

[cville]

Mar 7, 2014 12:28:03 GMT -5 MWOS said:

Here's why it isn't woe is me to deal with it. Because, for 13 years, you could push it away. Now you can't. I'm sure you would have this time if you could have, because who the fuck wants to dig through this? But you couldn't this time. It's different this time. And because it's different, you have to do something different.

This exactly and truly and perfectly.  Not dealing with it was how you dealt with it before.  And it worked.  But now it's not working and you need some alternative methods for handling it. 

Both for handling what happened to you, and for handling how you deal with your kids--your anxiety about them and the tools you want to give them so that, if at all possible, they can avoid such situations.  And if, god forbid, they can't, you want to make sure that you can work through it with them (or, for that matter, that you can help them to work through any sort of trauma, since it is a hallmark of many who have suffered trauma that ALL, even unrelated trauma can be a trigger).

Start with RAINN.  They'll help you right now, and they'll help you to make a path for the future.

[muffin0]

I am so sorry you have dealt with this silently for the past 13 years. No one should have to do that.

Everyone gave solid advice, and just remember we are all here for you, to listen, vent whatever you need.

[Deleted]

Mary is wise. OP, I hope you feel safe talking here and know we support you. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

[wishicouldforget]

I don't really want to tell my H. I don't think he'll view me differently or anything, but we have such a good thing going on right after dealing with a lot of other family stuff over the years that it feels like rocking the boat when we don't need to.

I am not sure what will happen in therapy for this. i don't feel like to affect my day to day life. Maybe it does? I don't think about it every day (and haven't for years). I don't think I'm depressed, etc. What would happen in therapy? (serious question)

I did ask my friend this morning how one deals with this while raising kids. He has two daughters as well. He said that sometimes you just have to help them see that people are generally good, but to be wary of everyone you don't know really well. What a sad situation. I generally love people. I like being around them (though did go through a period where I didn't want to be in a group of people at all after the rape). I like interacting with them, but understand using caution. I was cautious and this still happened. How does one reconcile that?

[wishicouldforget]

And really, guys, the "I'm sorrys" are sweet, but unneeded. No one is happy this happened. :-)

[Deleted]

I'm sorry.

[hopecounts]

Mar 7, 2014 12:49:51 GMT -5 wishicouldforget said:

I don't really want to tell my H. I don't think he'll view me differently or anything, but we have such a good thing going on right after dealing with a lot of other family stuff over the years that it feels like rocking the boat when we don't need to.

I am not sure what will happen in therapy for this. i don't feel like to affect my day to day life. Maybe it does? I don't think about it every day (and haven't for years). I don't think I'm depressed, etc. What would happen in therapy? (serious question)

I did ask my friend this morning how one deals with this while raising kids. He has two daughters as well. He said that sometimes you just have to help them see that people are generally good, but to be wary of everyone you don't know really well. What a sad situation. I generally love people. I like being around them (though did go through a period where I didn't want to be in a group of people at all after the rape). I like interacting with them, but understand using caution. I was cautious and this still happened. How does one reconcile that?

In therapy the therapy the therapist will talk to you.
they'll discuss things like how you feel about wanting to protect your children and help you think through healthy ways to do it.
you can talk through the disconnect between being cautious and it still happening.
you'll lead the discussion and they'll be an unbiased level head to talk it through with.

[CurlyQ284]

I have a friend that was assaulted as a child. She kind of buried it like you did but I don't think it was all that buried. She was making a lot of poor decisions and it appeared that the root of it was the childhood assault.

When she started therapy and aired it all out she got extreme anxiety about it and quit therapy. I say all this to say that if you go to therapy it may get harder to deal with for a while but if you push through that I think you'll start to heal. I did therapy for something else and it got worse before it gets better. I think if my friend pushed through it, she would be in a better place so try to stick with it if you choose therapy and it gets hard.

[sugarbear]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[snickers]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

[MWOS]

Here's what a therapist could work on:

-the flashbacks
-trust issues
-guilt
-anxiety over your children


I got all four of those things out of your OP. You say you aren't depressed and that you've built a good life for yourself. You have done an amazing job handling this. But you're telling us in your OP that there are things that pushing it away can't handle. So that's what a therapist would work with you on.