S/O would you terminate...

[puppiesandrainbows]

Several posters said they would, but their DH would not be on board.

Would you move forward with the pregnancy if your DH wanted it, even if you wanted to terminate? Why or why not?

I would absolutely terminate for special needs that would require life long care. For something like a club foot or cleft palate, no. But Downs or something similar or even worse? Yes.

I would take my H's feelings into consideration, but ultimately I would make the final call, even if it meant divorce. Let's be realistic here. Mothers are the ones primarily responsible for the kid, especially when they're small. And if one day he decided he's over it and leaves, I'm left with the special needs kid that I didn't want in the first place, and now I'm doing it alone. No thanks.

[hannamarin]

The mother can leave too. It is less common but it happens. After you give birth, the baby isnt attached to you anymore.

Luckily, my H and I share beliefs on this. We share beliefs on most things. The only thing I can think of as a major life decision where we disagree is burial vs cremation.

[chessie]

Thankfully we share the same beliefs on this, since we have relatives with major issues. I have heard people with this types of issues though, where one parent doesn't want to terminate, in some cases the kid is just given up to that other person and most likely the two go separate ways. This is why its important to talk about these things before having kids. "this stuff doesn't happen"..sorta talks don't help anything, discuss it prior before conceiving and if there is a doubt genetic testing prior to trying.

[puppiesandrainbows]

You can talk about this in advance, but realistically speaking, once you're actually confronted with the reality of the situation, many people change their mind. If your H was in agreement with termination prior to pregnancy, but after seeing the ultrasound changed his mind, what would you do?

[ladybrettashley]

Jul 10, 2012 4:58:02 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

I would take my H's feelings into consideration, but ultimately I would make the final call, even if it meant divorce. Let's be realistic here. Mothers are the ones primarily responsible for the kid, especially when they're small. And if one day he decided he's over it and leaves, I'm left with the special needs kid that I didn't want in the first place, and now I'm doing it alone. No thanks.

This. I would rather terminate and get a divorce than be stuck miserably raising a special needs child that I resent and didn't want in the first place. That sounds very cold, but it's the truth if I'm being honest with myself.

However, after I responded to the previous post, I asked my H what he would want to do, and he is more open to termination than I thought, so this is probably a moot point. He used to be firmly against it but I guess his views have changed since we had our son and he realizes how difficult it is to take care of a "normal" child, let alone what it would be like to raise one with severe disabilities.

[chessie]

Jul 10, 2012 6:06:15 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

You can talk about this in advance, but realistically speaking, once you're actually confronted with the reality of the situation, many people change their mind. If your H was in agreement with termination prior to pregnancy, but after seeing the ultrasound changed his mind, what would you do?

Leave him, only option I would have. The amount of money and support system to have a child with special needs we wouldn't be able to support that at all. I am thankful DH does understand that..his grandfather didn't leave his uncle enough money to live..and we all have to help him. I would have mix feelings bringing a child into this world knowing they be a burden for everyone in the family even after I am gone. not everyone wants to be bothered, even if its for family..this is what I am finding out especially with DH's uncle.

[rubytue]

Mothers can and do leave, or they don't have full or primary custody. I know a couple cases first hand, including my good friend's step kids mom. She left a week after giving birth to a kid with mild special needs.

I don't have an opinion bc I won't ever be pregnant. But I will say termination if you can't handle it is probably better than leaving a newborn bc you can't handle it.

[anna7602]

Hard to say. I will admit that we skipped the CVS test last time because we really couldn't agree on what we would do if we learned there was a genetic anomaly. It wasn't that one had a strong position one way and the other felt another way, it was that we each went back and forth between two extremes and couldn't convince ourselves, much less each other.

[bunch]

I can't say a what I'd do, it would depend. If I went against h's wishes with something that big, it would definitely be the end of my marriage. Fwiw, I asked h about yesterday's question and was surprised to hear that he was more open to termination than I thought.

[honeybee]

I'm honestly unsure. I tend to be the more overwhelming accepting one, so I find it hard to see a position where I'd favor termination over him, where the issue was special needs at least. More likely I'd be pushing to continue that pregnancy. When I posed the Down Syndrome question to him yesterday it took far, far longer for him to reach the answer of no he likely wouldn't terminate, then it took me. And I could tell the question wasn't one he was totally comfortable with.

Much earlier in our relationship, before we we're at the point where we could handle an unexpected pregnancy, I freely admit I likely would have ended a "surprise." It also probably would have ended our relationship as he would never have been in support of that.

[Brie]

Jul 10, 2012 4:58:02 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

Several posters said they would, but their DH would not be on board.

Would you move forward with the pregnancy if your DH wanted it, even if you wanted to terminate? Why or why not?

I would absolutely terminate for special needs that would require life long care. For something like a club foot or cleft palate, no. But Downs or something similar or even worse? Yes.

DH and I discussed this very clearly before we married. Even if I wanted to terminate, we would proceed unless my life was in imminent danger because of the pregnancy.

I am very much pro-choice, but if, God forbid, we were in this situation, I honestly don't think DH would be able to live with himself knowing we didn't give the unborn baby every possible chance at life. He is extremely pro-life, and I knew that going into our marriage.

But I am also on the fence in that I don't know if I would go through with a termination anyway.

Jul 10, 2012 4:58:02 GMT -5 puppiesandrainbows said:

I would take my H's feelings into consideration, but ultimately I would make the final call, even if it meant divorce. Let's be realistic here. Mothers are the ones primarily responsible for the kid, especially when they're small. And if one day he decided he's over it and leaves, I'm left with the special needs kid that I didn't want in the first place, and now I'm doing it alone. No thanks.

I also think this is kind of ridiculous. A woman can leave a marriage just as easily as a man can. I am also pretty confident I did not marry a complete douchebag who would do this to me and our child. And if he did, I'm pretty confident that I could get one hell of a child support settlement out of him.

[Deleted]

That would be so tough. Although my H is technically pro-choice, he was raised as a Catholic and believes that life begins at conception. I can think of very few circumstances where he might agree to his partner having an abortion. Having three older children and a SN baby on the way might be one of them but I honestly don't know for sure.

I don't know that I would want to put him through that either. Would it be fair to force him to go through the rest of his life worrying about the state of his soul and going to Hell? I guess I would just try to educate myself as much as possible about raising a child with SN and try to move forward with it.