I need to vent and maybe some advice

[jreeds]

How do you teach someone that it's better to do something correctly and follow it all the way through the first time rather than do a half assed rush job with the intention of going back to "fix it up" later?
I am so freaking frustrated with DH over thus kind of stuff. He is a self proclaimed "king of half ass" which is why we have a ton of projects/stuff around the house that is done just enough to be ok but when you see everything as a whole, our house is/looks like it needs a lot of help. For example 4 years ago we took on the project of painting our living room and kitchen. It was a big job, we set aside a weekend and did it. Finished result looks good but we had to go back and touch up edges, do some spot work and in the area DH painted clean paint splatters of the kitchen floor(grrrr). I wanted to do all that the next weekend, DH says don't worry I'll do it...4 years later...still not done. Now, could I take it upon myself to do it? Yes...but that is what I've been doing for the past 10 years and I am sick to death of this attitude. We've talked about it, he gets it and says he'll work on it. Nothing happens.

Part of it is his ADHD which he refuses to go on meds or see someone for. I love him to death and he really is a great dad and husband but I'm just so sick of feeling like the only one in this house who follows through.

This is a post & run because I'm going in the shower but I'll be back.

[gottadobe]

You don't. He's an adult and this is who he is.
Hire a handy man to finish jobs he doesn't; maybe he'll get tired of paying.
My ex was the same way. You should see my house. It was hard to watch him be all proud of himself for half-assed work.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

I just do it. It isn't worth getting pissed over. All the time you have spent stewing over this probably far outweighs the amount of time it would have taken you to just do it.

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2014 10:54:01 GMT -5 jreeds said:

This is a post & run because I'm going in the shower but I'll be back.

Stop doing a half-assed rush post with the intention of coming back to fix it up later.

[DotAndBuzz]

You don't. You call someone and pay them to do it if you don't want to do it yourself. If he's pissed about paying, you can suggest he finish up old projects, but otherwise Handyman Joe will be there next week/month to finish it.

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 11:03:12 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Mar 9, 2014 10:54:01 GMT -5 jreeds said:

This is a post & run because I'm going in the shower but I'll be back.

Stop doing a half-assed rush post with the intention of coming back to fix it up later.

Bwhahaha!

[jreeds]

Hiring someone is a good idea. At least for the stuff that is already "done". But I don't think the answer to just do it myself is fair. Was he like this before I married him? Sure, somewhat. But we also didn't have a house & 2 kids. He sometimes still acts like we are still just a couple living without those added responsibilities. Life changed, we have more shit to deal with and I'll be damned if I'm going to be the only one to deal with it. We should be a team.

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 10:58:35 GMT -5 squirrelymom said:

I think I may be your husband. I stopped when we sold our house and all my unfinished projects came back to bite me in the ass. It took two solid months to get everything done to put it on the market. Sorry that's no help.

H has ADHD. What works for him is to have a detailed list of what needs to be done. Instead of " fix paint in living room," it's " touch up trim, scrape spatters, etc."

You have so much other stuff going on though, you've got a reason. We don't have that. He's tried the list thing. It works for a bit but then he forgets he has a list.

[janiejones]

My dad is the king of the temporary/half-ass project.

I have no idea how to stop it.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I would hire a handyman or do it myself. Sometimes, being happy is more important than being right.

[sparkythelawyer]

Stop waiting for him to be different that what he has consistently shown you he is and plan accordingly.

[lime]

Another vote for hiring someone else to do it.

I have to say, though, I would be pissed off if my H had a diagnosed medical problem and refused to seek help or treatment for it.

[jreeds]

I think I'm going to sit down today, make the list of things that need to be finished up and plug them into a calendar for times we can work on them. This is how I do it for the house cleaning. That way, when he wants to schedule a night with the boys (like he had last night and today he is useless which is where this is all stemming from).

[nancybotwin]

Mar 9, 2014 11:28:26 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Stop waiting for him to be different that what he has consistently shown you he is and plan accordingly.

This.

[thecatinthehat]

I usually give him a few days to finish it. Either he calls someone to finish the work or I will.

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 11:31:46 GMT -5 lime said:

Another vote for hiring someone else to do it.

I have to say, though, I would be pissed off if my H had a diagnosed medical problem and refused to seek help or treatment for it.

We have talked about this. He knows I want him to get help and I'm not happy he hasn't. I have issues with anxiety and have sought treatment etc for it. I feel like now he needs to deal with his issues.

[lime]

Ah, so he went out with the guys and not only got a night off from parenting, but gets the morning/day off to deal with his hangover.

Yeah, I'd be irritated.

[DotAndBuzz]

Mar 9, 2014 11:31:51 GMT -5 jreeds said:

I think I'm going to sit down today, make the list of things that need to be finished up and plug them into a calendar for times we can work on them. This is how I do it for the house cleaning. That way, when he wants to schedule a night with the boys (like he had last night and today he is useless which is where this is all stemming from).

So this?  This is going to result in you continuing to be pissed, and/or him being resentful that you're scheduling his time for him.

People say money can't buy happiness, but in this case, it absolutely can.  This is one of those times where no one is going to win with the current situation.  I've found that sometimes in marriage, you really have to just accept things (even when they're ridiculous and there's a different solution) and move on.  Don't hold it against him, this is how he is.  Get on yelp or angie's list, hire a handyman, and be done with it. 

[EmilieMadison]

This is something you can (hopefully) instill in a child. Not an adult. 
If he sees no problem with doing things half-assed and usually not ever coming back to make it better, AND refuses to seek medical attention for ADHD that is affecting his daily life, then unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. He knows that not helping is upsetting to you. He acts like he's still living a carefree life with no responsibilities. This the way he is CHOOSING to live and act. I dont know what to tell you.

[nomad100]

To me this is a 2 part issue.

The half-assed project part is the easiest to fix. Hire someone to fix the projects.

The refusal to seek treatment is the hard part (and the one I would be most pissed about). I personally would have a very hard time living with someone who knows they have a problem, knows that there are treatment options and refuses to take advantage of those options, even though they know that their problem is impacting their life and the lives of those around them. That to me is totally selfish and self-centered.

Good luck.

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 11:36:51 GMT -5 lime said:

Ah, so he went out with the guys and not only got a night off from parenting, but gets the morning/day off to deal with his hangover.

Yeah, I'd be irritated.

Technically I got the night off too because the kids went to the ILs. So yesterday I spent the afternoon cleaning and doing a bunch of random crap (mopping, cleaning out closets) that is hard to do with the kids here. Then his buddies came over to watch movies last night. I went to bed early because of the time change and because I knew we had to get the kids early today. They apparently got wasted after I went to bed, ate a shit ton of food and wrecked my kitchen living room. I woke up to alcohol bottles and candy wrappers everywhere. Also a counter full of trash and dirty dishes. And DH is tired/hungover/grumpy.

So yes, this is why it's bothering me more today than usual.

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 11:42:53 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Mar 9, 2014 11:19:39 GMT -5 jreeds said:

Hiring someone is a good idea. At least for the stuff that is already "done". But I don't think the answer to just do it myself is fair. Was he like this before I married him? Sure, somewhat. But we also didn't have a house & 2 kids. He sometimes still acts like we are still just a couple living without those added responsibilities. Life changed, we have more shit to deal with and I'll be damned if I'm going to be the only one to deal with it. We should be a team.

You still are a team. But in this case, you know you are better at following through than your teammate. So your job as part of the team is to finish up his half-done projects. I'm sure there is some other aspect of your partnership where the responsibility lies more heavily toward him. This is ok. Being a team doesn't necessarily mean that everyone spends equal time/money/effort on everything.

This is a good point. You are definitely right about that. I know I have my weak points too, that's for sure. Getting wrapped up in the small things is one of them.

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 12:31:58 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Mar 9, 2014 12:28:36 GMT -5 jreeds said:

This is a good point. You are definitely right about that. I know I have my weak points too, that's for sure. Getting wrapped up in the small things is one of them.

I hear you on that. I am all about the small things. H is not. And the other posters offer good advice in here, but if he won't get treatment and lists don't help and come to Jesus talks haven't worked... what's next? Divorce? Remember why you love him and tell him he owes you a back rub when you're done with the project.

That's where I'm at. I'm not thinking divorce. I love him, he's a good person, he's a great dad. He's flawed but so am I. And by no means does he expect me to pick up the slack. It's just not as important to him it get certain things done. Unfortunately it's stuff like this that contributes to my anxiety. I feel like it all piles up. I'm going to suggest we do some counseling together (I'm already going on my own) and work on communication. I don't think he understands a) why I get so anxious and b) why him getting his own help is important.

[noodleoo]

Mar 9, 2014 12:25:57 GMT -5 jreeds said:

Mar 9, 2014 11:36:51 GMT -5 lime said:

Ah, so he went out with the guys and not only got a night off from parenting, but gets the morning/day off to deal with his hangover.

Yeah, I'd be irritated.

Technically I got the night off too because the kids went to the ILs. So yesterday I spent the afternoon cleaning and doing a bunch of random crap (mopping, cleaning out closets) that is hard to do with the kids here. Then his buddies came over to watch movies last night. I went to bed early because of the time change and because I knew we had to get the kids early today. They apparently got wasted after I went to bed, ate a shit ton of food and wrecked my kitchen living room. I woke up to alcohol bottles and candy wrappers everywhere. Also a counter full of trash and dirty dishes. And DH is tired/hungover/grumpy.

So yes, this is why it's bothering me more today than usual.

Oh he'll no! I'd be pissed too. You used your free time to do chores and clean. He then wrecked it after you went to bed? I'd be pissed too. He better clean that shit up. 

[jreeds]

Mar 9, 2014 13:14:34 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Mar 9, 2014 12:25:57 GMT -5 jreeds said:

Technically I got the night off too because the kids went to the ILs. So yesterday I spent the afternoon cleaning and doing a bunch of random crap (mopping, cleaning out closets) that is hard to do with the kids here. Then his buddies came over to watch movies last night. I went to bed early because of the time change and because I knew we had to get the kids early today. They apparently got wasted after I went to bed, ate a shit ton of food and wrecked my kitchen living room. I woke up to alcohol bottles and candy wrappers everywhere. Also a counter full of trash and dirty dishes. And DH is tired/hungover/grumpy.

So yes, this is why it's bothering me more today than usual.

Oh he'll no! I'd be pissed too. You used your free time to do chores and clean. He then wrecked it after you went to bed? I'd be pissed too. He better clean that shit up. 

He's currently doing the dishes while I sit on my ass.

[dirtyred]

Mar 9, 2014 10:56:40 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

You don't. He's an adult and this is who he is.
Hire a handy man to finish jobs he doesn't; maybe he'll get tired of paying.
My ex was the same way. You should see my house. It was hard to watch him be all proud of himself for half-assed work.

Ditto paying someone to finish it up.  Then offer your DH a choice--do it now or I call someone.  Worked for me!