Post by camelblossom on Mar 9, 2014 21:05:12 GMT -5
Talk to me about how you told people about your split. I am very much disliking this part of the process. I hate the unsolicited opinions (looking at you, mom) but not saying anything seems to lead to awkwardness as well. I don't want my kids to see me acting like this is a shameful situation, but I also don't want to announce it on FB or anything. I am just so sick of the telling and retelling.
Post by whattheheck on Mar 9, 2014 21:14:53 GMT -5
I ended up telling some people via email because I couldn't handle the reaction I got when I told people in person. And then I asked some of them to spread the word. I told very few people in person.
I have just been casually throwing it into conversation mid story. ie "I was hanging with my mom since H and I are separated and ..." It seems to minimize the questions and follow up
You have every right to tell people you don't want to discuss it when they're giving their opinions. Your marriage, your divorce. Not theirs. I told my friends via email and family was called by my mom. My divorce was messy and everyone knew the details quickly
I am dreading this part. We haven't told any family yet but I did tell a friend last night. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be but I'm sure it will be when I tell family.
I told my immediate family and close friends and let the word spread that way. I have not posted anything on Facebook and don't plan to; however, I think it's obvious from some of my posts. No ex bashing, but I have mentioned the time I have the girls versus when I don't.
I told my mom & dad - who told my sisters (before I was ready, thanks mom!)
I told a few close people, then just simply changed my FB status to Single. I didn't need people seeing either of us on dates and assuming cheating. I also didn't feel like re-telling people. So, I did it that way. No dirty laundry, no story - just a simple update.
Did people comment on your status change? That is my worst fear. I don't want to have a public discussion about it.
I told immediate family and a few close friends in person. A few friends found out by phone or email, and then I let everyone else figure it out for themselves. I never changed my FB status to single - instead I just removed married to so and so status.
I told my family and close friends in person (or phone for those who live away from me). On FB I hid my relationship status for a long time. Not that long ago I commented on someone's status about dating and I got a PM that was like, "OMGz! I had no idea! I thought you all were perfect and would last forevah!" I just thanked her for thinking of me. People have good intentions, they just say the weirdest/wrong things.
I told my sister for everyone who has said, "Aw, I though you guys would last/make it!" I want to be all, "Yeah, me too...thus why I married him. "
I gave my parents reign to tell my immediate and extended family and wrote an email to my closest friends basically saying "so, we're getting a divorce" and tried to not place blame on either party but basically did let them know it was OK to reach out and that their support would mean alot. I'm glad I told people and didn't hide it, but also found a balance between telling the world on FB, etc.
I told my mom & dad - who told my sisters (before I was ready, thanks mom!)
I told a few close people, then just simply changed my FB status to Single. I didn't need people seeing either of us on dates and assuming cheating. I also didn't feel like re-telling people. So, I did it that way. No dirty laundry, no story - just a simple update.
Almost the same here. My parents knew what was going on and mom told a few family members and friends. A few of my friends knew it was happening and other than that i didnt really make it public Changed my status online to single and no one really noticed. Only had one awkward conversation when I got cornered at a concert by a mutual friend who wanted to know why I was there alone and why my XH wasn't calling him back.
I also hate this stage. I called my immediate family. I emailed close friends. I'm a pastor so I get the extreme joy of telling my congregation. Yay my life.
I also hate this stage. I called my immediate family. I emailed close friends. I'm a pastor so I get the extreme joy of telling my congregation. Yay my life.
You win! That's fucking rough. ETA: You have all my sympathy, not pity. .
Post by verycontrary247 on Mar 9, 2014 23:42:18 GMT -5
I told my immediate family and close friends in person or on the phone (depending on their locality). Hid my marital status on FB, removed my married last name (just kept first and middle) and started systematically removing pictures and posts of his. I didn't actually post about the divorce itself until a month after it was finalized (about 10months from the date we separated) and by then everyone who wasn't told directly pretty much knew.
I didn't really tell anyone except for my parents, my cousin and my best friend for awhile. I told other close friends over email because I live in a different country now.
I never said anything on fb that would even hint at a separation or divorce, but I did hide my relationship status and now I post vacation pictures of me and my boyfriend. When the divorce is final and I change my name, I'll change it on fb as well.
For everyone else, I'll wait until it comes up in conversation if they haven't figured it out.
I told my mom & dad - who told my sisters (before I was ready, thanks mom!)
I told a few close people, then just simply changed my FB status to Single. I didn't need people seeing either of us on dates and assuming cheating. I also didn't feel like re-telling people. So, I did it that way. No dirty laundry, no story - just a simple update.
Did people comment on your status change? That is my worst fear. I don't want to have a public discussion about it.
This happened to one of my friends. I knew she was getting a divorce, so I wasn't surprised when she changed it to single. But I was surprised at more than 1 comment about "wait, aren't you married?" or "did you mean to change your status?"
Seriously, people are idiots. You could always delete comments as they come in. At least it would make things clear about you being single, but yeah I don't want to have a public discussion about it either.
I haven't been hiding it, but I haven't gone out of my way to tell people here. Immediate family and close friends know, most haven't seemed terribly surprised (except the ones who only talked to me but never saw us above once a year or so). I haven't done anythng with FB yet, he's not on it so I don't have to do much with him. I'll probably hide my status until the divorce is final.
I was wearing it at home to kind of keep up the pretend for the kids. But once he started dating, I kind of figured "what's the point?" and put it away.
Exh was on a downward spiral, people close to me knew that and knew I was planning on leaving. I told people as it came up. Years later some acquaintances I don't think even knew because I was fairly private about it. Do whatever is comfortable for you.
Did people comment on your status change? That is my worst fear. I don't want to have a public discussion about it.
This happened to one of my friends. I knew she was getting a divorce, so I wasn't surprised when she changed it to single. But I was surprised at more than 1 comment about "wait, aren't you married?" or "did you mean to change your status?"
Seriously, people are idiots. You could always delete comments as they come in. At least it would make things clear about you being single, but yeah I don't want to have a public discussion about it either.
I got some of these too. I deleted pics of my wedding and XH and changed back to my maiden name and had messages (mostly pm) from people who I hadn't spoken to in years. It was annoying but I ignored and/or defriended
My friends/family knew what was going on (since some of the abuse was happening when people were around) so it was no surprise that we were splitting. Most of my immediate family, my mom and dad took care of telling everybody. I don't talk to my family as much as they do. And I don't think it is anybody's business to make a huge announcement that we were divorcing. If it came up, I told them, otherwise, I just kept that stuff to myself. I also deactivated my fb page that I had with ALL of my pictures from my time with my ex - I didn't want to take the time of deleting 1000's of pictures. So when I started back up again with a new page, I only friended my close friends and eventually started to add more people from HS, etc. when things were finally settling down.
Post by prettyinpearls on Mar 10, 2014 8:37:35 GMT -5
Ugh, this was one of the worst parts. For me, the anticipation of telling people ended up being a lot worse than actually doing it.
The first IRL person I told was my mom. I sent her an email (don’t judge!) in which I apologized for emailing her, but couldn’t physically talk about it without sobbing hysterically. This way, I was able to get everything out and told her to call me later that night. She spread the word to my grandparents who told the rest of our family.
I didn’t tell my boss or coworkers until I had filed for divorce, which was 4 months after our separation. I did this intentionally, because I was using work as my escape from my personal life. I could get away from everything for 8 hours a day and it was great. Once I needed to start meeting with my attorney during work hours, that’s when I told my boss.
As far as FB goes, I just hid my marital status from my profile. I deleted all pictures of XH and that, combined with me no longer making any mention of him whatsoever, I just assumed people would put two and two together.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Mar 10, 2014 8:45:52 GMT -5
I went for a really long time not telling anyone. I was afraid of other people knowing that we had problems as a couple, because admitting it made it real and I couldn't hide from it anymore.
I had told my mom that we were separating, but didn't want to tell anyone else in my family until we had a plan. Unfortunately, XH decided to over share on Facebook, and since he was friends with everyone in my family, I started getting a lot of questions. Finally I sent a mass email to extended family after everything had been divulged, and individually called my sisters and my dad and his family. It was very hard but most people were shocked but supportive.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
My close friends always knew what was going on. My mom did too, but she lived with me at the time, so it was no big shock. I hid my FB status and honestly, no one really said anything. If they did I just met it with "we're divorcing, I'd rather not talk about it". People were really supportive.
As a side note, your pic cracks my shit up everytime I open this post!
For family - I told my mom and she told everyone else, including my dad/sisters and extended family. I think I waited almost a week to even tell her - I didn't know how to bring it up but she was asking me a bunch of questions about plans with my XH and I came clean.
Friends - closer ones I told the next time I saw them. More distant friends I think it just kind of came out over time. My XH told most of our mutual friends so that made that part easier. I took down my facebook relationship status pretty quickly by just hiding it rather than changing it to "single". A few months after we separated (before things were finalized) I changed my name on facebook, that was probably when I got the most response from friends there but by that point I didn't care as much.
A bunch of the women I work with got together for drinks one night a month or so after we split. I hadn't told anyone at work but after a couple of martinis everyone knew I told them it wasn't a secret, so they basically handled telling the rest of the people in our department. I think some people at work that I don't know well still think I changed my name last summer because I got married, rather than divorced. I've just let that go because it doesn't matter.
I think the biggest thing I'd add is that over time it stopped being as weird to talk about. I still occasionally run into someone at work or around town that I'm friendly with who asks about my XH or about my name change and it's pretty easy to say I'm divorced now. But it took a while to get to that point. I think I was more or less embarrassed/ashamed at first, vs. being too upset to talk about it.
Post by camelblossom on Mar 10, 2014 9:44:13 GMT -5
Last night STBX confessed that he tried to unfriend me on FB and accidentally blocked me. He regretted it and needed help to undo it because he is not FB savvy. So people saw us refriend, I assume, and now I have no relationship status. All my worry for naught.