What are your thoughts on this naming issue?

[Odonata]

If we never have a girl it is no big deal.

My grandmother on my dad's side was my rock.  She was my mom.  My mother and I never got along and she was always who I turned to for EVERYTHING growing up.  She played that role for everyone in my family.  She was a mother to all and her passing two years ago was BRUTAL on all of us.  It was even worse for me because upon  her death we found her diary and discovered that she dealt with IF for a while.  She had to take tons of hormones to have her first kid.  At that time I was dealing with IF and was the only woman in my family with that issue.  I was actually mad she wasn't there to see me through because I know she would have been my biggest supporter.  Also, I cried again this year when there was no birthday card from her in the mail.  I'll always miss that.  (shit, I got myself crying, now, lol, stupid hormones).

At any rate, the woman was incredibly special to me.  I was her first grandchild and she always reminded me of that.  I am devastated she wont be there to meet my child. 

If we have a girl I want to honor her by name somehow.  Maybe not first name but middle name.  She was Mary.

NOW, on DH's side, his grandmother was a horrid woman.  We started dating towards the end of her life and I saw really the worst of it.  She used her will to try and control people.  If they didn't name the kid after her she would cut them out, then she would cut out other family if they spoke to whomever she was mad at.  My DH and his family came to despise her and upon her death no one showed up to the funeral.  It was a quick service with just my ILs and that was that.  She is still cursed by name at family gatherings. 

Her name?  Mary. 

I said something to DH about my wishes and he said that if we did use the name Mary anywhere, we would never hear the end of it from his side of the family.  I would hate to have my beautiful grandmother's name get so much scorn.  I mentioned it to MIL once just to see her reaction (she knew my grandmother, they went to the same church and she knew how close she was to me) and her reaction was "UG! OH NO!  Good luck with that name!".

Should I drop it?  I thought about using another version of Mary in a possible name like Maria but that just doesn't fit as well in my heart as Mary does. 

ETA:  the name Mary also brings up bad memories for DH so he's really against using it.

Any opinions on this situation?

[catsarecute]

Oh man, that is such a bummer. We are using the middle name Mary because it is my middle name, my grandma's name and also happens to be DH's favorite aunts name. So it all works out but I don't know what we would have done had Mary been the name of some horrid aunt of his!!!

Part of me thinks "how often do you use the middle name anyways" but in this case, since his family has such a terrible association, they might have a hard time forgetting about it.

My suggestions: table this completely until you know that you are/aren't having a girl. Because if you spend too much time worrying about it and end up having a boy, you'll regret all the time you spent worrying and/or arguments with DH or his family.

[VillainV]

Wow, that's a tough one. Is there some other way to honor your grandmother without using the name Mary? Maybe use her middle name (or first-middle combo if it's something like Mary Ellen/Mary Ann/Mary Beth and have two first names), or use her maiden name or last name as a middle name?

Also, maybe you'll have a boy and it will be a moot point (at least for now). I'm a big fan of not spending too much energy about names (especially if there is disagreement) before you know the gender.

[Odonata]

Mar 12, 2014 14:38:20 GMT -5 catsarecute said:

My suggestions: table this completely until you know that you are/aren't having a girl. Because if you spend too much time worrying about it and end up having a boy, you'll regret all the time you spent worrying and/or arguments with DH or his family.

Oh yeah! That's really good advice!  I do tend to make myself worry needlessly! 

[catsarecute]

Mar 12, 2014 14:39:30 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Mar 12, 2014 14:38:20 GMT -5 catsarecute said:

My suggestions: table this completely until you know that you are/aren't having a girl. Because if you spend too much time worrying about it and end up having a boy, you'll regret all the time you spent worrying and/or arguments with DH or his family.

Oh yeah! That's really good advice!  I do tend to make myself worry needlessly! 

Me too! I thought the whole naming issue would be a huge point of contention but we both decided to be very open minded about making lists and not get stuck on fighting passionately about it since we would find out the sex at 19 weeks. After that, it was easier to focus on one list and luckily, picking out a name came easily!

[hbear]

I also agree that is a tough one, and such a pretty name anyway. I would be torn too.

I like some of the suggestions you got, but I thought of something else. Is there another way to honor her? Something that makes you think of her? For example, my friend gave her daughter the middle name Robin because her grandfather always talked about robins (the birds) being an early sign of spring. It was her way of honoring him. So something like that? Or a name from a book you both enjoyed? A place you spent time together?

[CrazyLucky]

What was your grandmother's middle name or her maiden name? Is there a chance you could use one of those? I like the tradition of giving a boy the mom's maiden name for a middle name, and maybe your grandmother's maiden would work if you have a boy.
Did your grandmother have any special nicknames for you? Could you call your child the nickname?
If the name brings up bad memories for your husband, I think you have to let it go. You don't want DD's name associated with terrible memories for her father.
What does your DH think of variations on Mary?

[pinotgrig]

Mar 12, 2014 14:48:19 GMT -5 hbear said:

I also agree that is a tough one, and such a pretty name anyway. I would be torn too.

I like some of the suggestions you got, but I thought of something else. Is there another way to honor her? Something that makes you think of her? For example, my friend gave her daughter the middle name Robin because her grandfather always talked about robins (the birds) being an early sign of spring. It was her way of honoring him. So something like that? Or a name from a book you both enjoyed? A place you spent time together?

I think this is the way I would go, only BC your H has such bad associations with the name as well. If it was just family, meh. But if he feels the same way, then I would reconsider.

What was your g-ma's middle name? Was there was someone special in her life that you could use?

[Odonata]

Well when I was born they bought a house at the shore (we live in NJ) and moved there. She always loved living by the water. She's actually buried down there, too.

Her house down the shore has always been a huge part of both of our lives. They lived right on the water and had a boat at the doc was named after me. It was there where I learned to drive a boat, fish, and was so inspired that I majored in Marine Biology later in life. My college was right near where they lived. She moved back to central jersey once my grandfather could not live on his own due to strokes and she was so depressed after they moved and sold the house. She always said she wished she could return to the coast. I loved sitting in her house listening to the gulls and the breeze blowing in her many wind chimes. Maybe I can find a middle name that is aquatic some how. That might even work for a boys name!

Also, she use to sing "a bicycle built for two" to me as a kid (daisy, daisy, give me your answer true, I'm half crazy all for the love of you...) Maybe that would be a nice girls name

Ohhh crap guys, this whole post is making me sentimental as SHIT. The fedex guy came to deliver my dress (!!) and my eyes were all red and puffy. I'm SUCH an ugly crier! lol.

[hbear]

  I love Daisy

You will find something, I'm sure. Sounds like you've got lots of great memories of your grandma, and that's wonderful.

[Odonata]

Mar 12, 2014 15:11:55 GMT -5 hbear said:

  I love Daisy

You will find something, I'm sure. Sounds like you've got lots of great memories of your grandma, and that's wonderful.

I intend to be the mother she was.  She's my role model for motherhood. 

[Amy]

I'd try to go for a middle/maiden/last name of your grandmother to use

[hbear]

Mar 12, 2014 15:12:56 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Mar 12, 2014 15:11:55 GMT -5 hbear said:

  I love Daisy

You will find something, I'm sure. Sounds like you've got lots of great memories of your grandma, and that's wonderful.

I intend to be the mother she was.  She's my role model for motherhood. 

You're making me teary eyed! That's beautiful!

[flgirl]

Daisy is wonderful and has a wonderful memory for you without upsetting your DH.

We were leaning toward a boy name that is my Dh's middle name. Then we find out that the girl his nephew knocked up, but who is now engaged to someone else named the baby the same name. We were bummed about that but we knew his family would be convinced we named after the other baby...they are bizarre people. Luckily it is a girl so no issues.

[Odonata]

I don't think she had a middle name. I just looked up her obit and realized her mother's name was Mary. I would love to carry that name on. Her parents were off the boat from Italy. I've got really strong connection to my Italian grand and great grandparents.

[mrssandro]

There are so many great variations of Mary.

If you have a girl explore those.

We have a family middle name that contains my grandmothers name. Genelle and I love it. I did give it to my DD as a middle name. My grandmothers name was Nell.

[Odonata]

I found Maja - which is pounced "MIE-ah" and has German roots, which is what my husband is.

[Yankees21]

Mar 12, 2014 15:22:57 GMT -5 Odonata said:

I found Maja - which is pounced "MIE-ah" and has German roots, which is what my husband is.

That would be nice. I'm sorry you are having this issue, that really is such a bummer- out of all the names out there, why'd they have to have the same one??

[Odonata]

Mar 12, 2014 15:28:05 GMT -5 Yankees21 said:

Mar 12, 2014 15:22:57 GMT -5 Odonata said:

I found Maja - which is pounced "MIE-ah" and has German roots, which is what my husband is.

That would be nice. I'm sorry you are having this issue, that really is such a bummer- out of all the names out there, why'd they have to have the same one??

I know!  It kills me.  Though I never realized it until after she died and I thought of using her name.

[katiek]

I'm sorry that you guys are having this issue! I have a similar connection to my great-grandma, and will fight to the death to use her name, except H pronounces it wrong. So we were having issues about it too. I know how important that connection can be.

First, I would say to stop worrying until you find out what you're having. We're having a boy, so I don't have to murder my H about it at this point

Second, I love Daisy! An aquatic name would be lovely as well. There are also a million variations. This website is a good resource: www.behindthename.com/name/mary You might find something you love there. I really hope you can find something you'll both be happy with!

[mrspost08]

What was your grandma middle name? Could you use her middle name or last name for a baby name?

[Odonata]

Mar 12, 2014 21:26:47 GMT -5 mrspost08 said:

What was your grandma middle name? Could you use her middle name or last name for a baby name?

No, she didn't have a middle name and her maiden name was Ritzo, which I don't like as any name.

[rbp]

I really like Daisy! I am impressed with the awesome ideas in this thread.

[sillygoosegirl]

My take is that his family will come around if you name your child Mary, and I wouldn't go for a variation. But I may be biased, because I'm a Mary.

[MrsDarcy]

I would have said to use your grandmother's middle or maiden name, but I see that isn't an option.

I had one thought - our girl name when I was pregnant with our son was Maren, but a spelling we considered was Maryn. This is very similar to Mary (and my mother's name is Mary so this was another bonus). Food for thought.

I might use it anyway, and make it very clear it's after your g'mother. I also like the idea of Daisy.

[thatgirl2478]

Mar 12, 2014 14:50:06 GMT -5 CrazyLucky said:

What was your grandmother's middle name or her maiden name? Is there a chance you could use one of those? I like the tradition of giving a boy the mom's maiden name for a middle name, and maybe your grandmother's maiden would work if you have a boy.
Did your grandmother have any special nicknames for you? Could you call your child the nickname?
If the name brings up bad memories for your husband, I think you have to let it go. You don't want DD's name associated with terrible memories for her father.
What does your DH think of variations on Mary?

This is what I was thinking too.

[ringstrue]

If they have Italian roots you could do Maria or Anna Maria for a middle name.

Ooh I got one! You said she loved the water - well there is Stella Maria or Maria Stella which means "Star of the Sea". A beautiful honor to her, specifically.

Here are more plays on Mary if you wanna look into it: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_(given_name)

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2014 10:38:55 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

If they have Italian roots you could do Maria or Anna Maria for a middle name.

Ooh I got one! You said she loved the water - well there is Stella Maria or Maria Stella which means "Star of the Sea". A beautiful honor to her, specifically.

Here are more plays on Mary if you wanna look into it: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_(given_name)

I just found mare (ma-re) that is an Irish variation of Mary and also means "Star of the sea"!

Turns out the name mary also refers to the sea. No wonder she loved it so much.

As for the Italian names im trying to not go too ethnic because my husband's last name is very German. Italian is flowey and German is sharp.

[daisycat]

I like the idea of using daisy or a variation or Mary. Definitely some good options to consider if it turns out you are having a girl.

[anna7602]

Definitely focus on other names/versions of Mary. I know it's hard, but if your H has such strong feelings about it, I think Mary is a no-go. (I'm coming at this one as the person in my relationship who doesn't want to use a name to honor a beloved relative of DH's.)

I like ringstrue's suggestion of Stella Maria. There's also Mariana, Miriam, Marina, Mariska... Mariska could sound very nice with a German last name.