If you lost a parent and its been a few years

[karmasabiotch]

Are the weeks surrounding the anniversary of the death still harder for you than other times of the year? My sister isn't affected thus way but I am. I know it was the best thing for my Mom and was what she wanted and I have made peace with that part of it but when this time of year comes around -it will be year 3- I seem to become a mess.

Maybe I need to go to her grave. I haven't ever seen it since the headstone was put up. I wonder if that would help. I'm also still desperate for a sign that never seems to come from her. I would like one from her brother who dies 3 weeks later or my Grabdma too. I wonder why some people get signs and some don't. I don't know what to believe. Sometimes I wish I had religion to fall back on but we weren't raised that way.

Thanks for reading this rambling post. No real point. Just want to get it out and see if others feel the same.

[muppetinma]

I'm a member of the dead mom club. It's been over seven years. It does get a bit easier, but for me at least, the pain doesn't go away. The fall/winter is always really hard on me. We go from the anniversary of her death, to Thanksgiving, to her birthday, to Christmas. She was big into the holidays and I always equate them with her, so I always get into a funk when the weather gets cold.

I don't know if anybody can tell you how to fix that? Maybe talking to a professional would help. For me, I just allow myself to be angry. Over the years, it's become less and less. But if I want to hate the world and be a miserable twat on the anniversary of her death? Who is going to tell me that I'm wrong. It's just how I deal with it.

[moolarkey]

It has gotten better over the years. My mom died the end of October, her birthday is 9/17. I'd find myself being really irritable, stressed, lose focus etc every year starting about Labor Day and it wouldn't hit me what it was until almost the end of October. Each year the "start" date for this has moved further out so it doesn't start at Labor day but later. I don't go the cemetery often but at least twice a year to put out a hanging basket. My DD goes with me and we make a day of it, it's an hour from where we both live. We drive up, go to the cemetery which is out in the country. Then we drive in town and eat lunch and head home.

My dad's death is not so hard for me. He became sick when I was 12 and outlived their predictions by over 25 years. By the time he passed, his death was a blessing as his pain was over.   My mom's death was fairly suddenly, about 6 weeks from not having any problems to dead.  I figured we had another good 10 years with her but I was so wrong.  My mom and I were so close.

My dad died 12/13, his birthday was 2/22, their 50th anniversary 3/3.  Looking at them it looks pretty spaced out but it felt like they were coming right on top of each other and it was awful.   My mom insisted we all go to dinner where they'd planned to have their 50th anniversary. I can't even tell you how horrible that was.  But Dad's being gone has been easier to deal with. My mom's death, on the other hand, very hard.

One thing that I was told and nutty as it sounds I kind of believe it. If you find a penny someone you love that is gone is thinking of you.  After my mom died DD and I would find pennies all over, in places they never should have been and no one was placing them.   I inherited my mom's brand new/paid for car. I gave my 4 year-old/paid off Honda to DS who was in college.  I drove it for 5 years, DD was graduating from college and I was about to buy a new car when H lost his job and was out of work for 5.5 years. That car was a God send. It was a loaded Mercury Grand Marquis. So not my style but Mom was looking out for me.  I finally traded it in December 30, 2013. I found a penny as I walked in the door of the dealership to pick up the car. No one could have placed that penny there as a "set up".  I really believe it was Mom giving me her blessing, that it was time to get a new car.

The only other thing is one night several years ago I woke up in the middle of the night and this is going to sound nuts too. I know what woke me up is that my mom hugged me.  I could still feel the pressure of her arms. I know she hugged me.   Ok so now you all know I'm crazy but I swear it happened. H wasn't in bed, he was downstairs, I was all alone in bed and sound asleep.

[rugbywife]

My mom died at the end of October 2006…I find that sometimes it creeps up on me…so it isn't always the anniversary date that is the worst, just the whole time around it.

Then sometimes it is random days in the middle of year that are hard too. I mean, it has gotten easier, but it is still tough when I am having a moment.

[kaybee85]

My dad died 7 years ago in two weeks. The anniversary of his death isn't really when things hit me. It isn't as predictable, I guess? I actually just realized with this post how soon it is coming up.

I get emotional much more easily over movies. I get upset sometimes thinking about certain things. For example, H and I are planning to TTC this month, and when I think about the fact that none of my kids will meet him messes with me. The pain dulls for sure, but I would say I carry an emotional scar.

[nannersp]

I'm sorry for your loss. (And everyone else's above, too.)

My dad died in 2003. The death of his anniversary seemed a little tougher last year since it was a full decade, a sad anniversary, of sorts. But like kaybee85, I get more upset throughout the year about certain things, like moments when I realize my girls won't get to see their goofy grandfather in action, or during sad movies & tv shows.

[spitforspat]

Karma, it's like you read my mind. I lost my mom two years ago tomorrow. Last week I found myself standing in the kitchen crying for no reason with a box of cereal in my hand.

Through my grieving I've learned nothing is normal and everything is normal. I hope it gets easier for you. ((Big hugs))

[karmasabiotch]

Hugs to all of you.

[cleo29]

For me, it just depends. Mine has also been a really long time, so it certainly is not as fresh. I do think the anniversary can be tough as are milestones in your life or even that of your child.

I never actively looked for signs, but I do feel like I have gotten some from my dad and my Gram. I know this might be hard to hear, but I would stop looking. I think something will happen, some day and it will feel like a sign. I have had things happen at random like smelling my Grandpa's smell, which was a mix of products he used that just made up "his" smell.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Karma.

[lucky513]

My brothers and sisters always go to the grave on the anniversary of his death and his bday. Like you I haven't been since the headstone was put on, after my dad died I had the most surreal dream of my dad hugging me and it was really weird that my brother had the same dream the same night he was staying the night at my house, I think having that dream has helped me not dwell on it as much. I still think about him everyday and I'm sad that he wasn't around to see me become successful but I was raised to believe that he is looking down on me so that makes it a little better.

[CityLights]

My dad passed away almost 7yrs ago on Father's Day. Father's Day and the few weeks leading up to it is always a bit difficult for me because in addition to having to see a bunch of commercials and advertisements focused on the day, it's also the day we lost him.

Other than that I tend to get sad randomly and it's not really attached to his birthday, or holidays, or the anniversary of his death. The first year was a bit different but as time goes on specific days don't affect me as much.

[mellymel]

My Dad died 2 years ago. Lots of stuff is really hard for me, especially all the milestones (the anniversary of his passing, his birthday, holidays, etc). Sometimes I think I get "signs" from him but then I wonder if I am making them up/trying too hard to find signs from him.

It's all so hard. The passing of time is helping, little by little. I still miss the hell out of him.

I rarely go to his grave. I don't feel a strong connection to him there for some reason. I just realized I didn't even go visit his grave at Christmas and now I feel guilty. Ugh, it's all such a mindfuck.

I guess this isn't helpful at all. But I feel you. Hugs.

[Jermys]

I'm a scumbag and don't think about it at all. I'd actually forgotten that she died in July, and thought it was August.

[wambam]

It's been 16 years (on 3/19) since my biological mother died and that day is challenging. I can still function and everything, it's just a very sad day.

[karmasabiotch]

Mar 12, 2014 20:17:42 GMT -5 Jermys said:

I'm a scumbag and don't think about it at all. I'd actually forgotten that she died in July, and thought it was August.

Your the last person I would call a scumbag. You had a tension filled relationship with your Mom and yet you were there for her in the ways that made sense for you.

[moolarkey]

Now this is my kind of obit: capegazette.villagesoup.com/p/walter-george-bruhl-jr-dupont-co-retiree/1139838?cid=1319543

[savan]

Yes. It has been 9 years since my mom died and I still feel the date coming every year. Some years I am too busy to really dwell on it but I still feel it, like a heavy weight. At this point I don't think it will ever go away.

[karenj]

My mom passed away 12 years ago this September. Some years I feel it more intensely than others. Sometimes I don't even realize the anniversary is coming up but I get so sad and than I'm like oh yeah it's that time again. So sorry for your loss


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[wowhead]

Hugs to all of you. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I haven't lost a parent but I lost my grandpa 4 years ago. My heart hurts around the anniversary of his death every year. The rest of my family doesn't acknowledge it unless I bring it up. I think we all feel his loss at different times.

[orangeblossom]

Yes, I am still affected by anniversary of her death. Honestly, for me, the best thing to do is embrace it and try to remember the good times. I don't see out to be maudlin, but it's subconscious. IMO, your psyche doesn't forget.

My sister's and I make a point to eat something that my mother really liked and talk about what each got to eat.

It's okay to be affected by it, and IMO, completely normal.

If you think going to her grave could help, I would go.

I've been once, .and it was hard, but then it got better as the visit went on. I haven't been since then, but want to go, and may carve out time the next time I'm visiting family.

Hugs.

[sonrisa]

We scattered my dad's ashes up on a ridge overlooking the Pacific. www.jaygraham.com/#/fine-art/marin/20071130_tam_05 We go up each year on the anniversary of his death (late January) and on his birthday (June). We take a picnic for the summer one. The first anniversary of his death was very hard for me. For the months leading up to it I couldn't stop thinking about those last months of his life and about losing him. This year, I didn't have that protracted pain thinking about his suffering. More of the sadness has been focused on what he has missed, especially his new granddaughter. The actual day was tough. I took the baby and "introduced" her. I still have some tricky days.

[brandienee]

((Hugs for everyone)) I am so sorry for all of your losses. 

My mom is going to go very soon, she has lived in a nursing home for 5 years so it sometimes feels like an extended grieving process for me. There are random days I get where I just want my mommy to stroke my hair and tell me it's going to be okay. There are other days where I get mad at the universe, because I just want to have a drink with my mom and laugh at stupid things.

I am most worried about what it is going to be like having our first child with her not here. I am afraid of all of the emotions.

[Birdie]

My dad died in April 1996. For the first 10 years, the entire month of April always sucked. Things got a little easier after the 10th anniversary and by the 15th I had actually gotten to the point where I didn't think about it much besides the day or two before and after. However, it still bothers me enough to where I didn't/don't want any of my kids to be born in April.

[Birdie]

Mar 12, 2014 19:49:17 GMT -5 kaybee85 said:

My dad died 7 years ago in two weeks. The anniversary of his death isn't really when things hit me. It isn't as predictable, I guess? I actually just realized with this post how soon it is coming up.

I get emotional much more easily over movies. I get upset sometimes thinking about certain things. For example, H and I are planning to TTC this month, and when I think about the fact that none of my kids will meet him messes with me. The pain dulls for sure, but I would say I carry an emotional scar.

Since it's been so long since I lost my dad, I don't think about this much with him. However, my aunt, who was like a second mom to me, passed away somewhat unexpectedly two years ago and there were many times I had a hard time while pregnant when I thought about how she would never get to meet my babies.

[kaybee85]

Mar 12, 2014 20:59:57 GMT -5 Birdie said:

Mar 12, 2014 19:49:17 GMT -5 kaybee85 said:

My dad died 7 years ago in two weeks. The anniversary of his death isn't really when things hit me. It isn't as predictable, I guess? I actually just realized with this post how soon it is coming up.

I get emotional much more easily over movies. I get upset sometimes thinking about certain things. For example, H and I are planning to TTC this month, and when I think about the fact that none of my kids will meet him messes with me. The pain dulls for sure, but I would say I carry an emotional scar.

Since it's been so long since I lost my dad, I don't think about this much with him. However, my aunt, who was like a second mom to me, passed away somewhat unexpectedly two years ago and there were many times I had a hard time while pregnant when I thought about how she would never get to meet my babies.

((hugs))

[mcsangel2]

Mar 12, 2014 19:46:28 GMT -5 moolarkey said:

It has gotten better over the years. My mom died the end of October, her birthday is 9/17. I'd find myself being really irritable, stressed, lose focus etc every year starting about Labor Day and it wouldn't hit me what it was until almost the end of October. Each year the "start" date for this has moved further out so it doesn't start at Labor day but later. I don't go the cemetery often but at least twice a year to put out a hanging basket. My DD goes with me and we make a day of it, it's an hour from where we both live. We drive up, go to the cemetery which is out in the country. Then we drive in town and eat lunch and head home.

My dad's death is not so hard for me. He became sick when I was 12 and outlived their predictions by over 25 years. By the time he passed, his death was a blessing as his pain was over.   My mom's death was fairly suddenly, about 6 weeks from not having any problems to dead.  I figured we had another good 10 years with her but I was so wrong.  My mom and I were so close.

My dad died 12/13, his birthday was 2/22, their 50th anniversary 3/3.  Looking at them it looks pretty spaced out but it felt like they were coming right on top of each other and it was awful.   My mom insisted we all go to dinner where they'd planned to have their 50th anniversary. I can't even tell you how horrible that was.  But Dad's being gone has been easier to deal with. My mom's death, on the other hand, very hard.

One thing that I was told and nutty as it sounds I kind of believe it. If you find a penny someone you love that is gone is thinking of you.  After my mom died DD and I would find pennies all over, in places they never should have been and no one was placing them.   I inherited my mom's brand new/paid for car. I gave my 4 year-old/paid off Honda to DS who was in college.  I drove it for 5 years, DD was graduating from college and I was about to buy a new car when H lost his job and was out of work for 5.5 years. That car was a God send. It was a loaded Mercury Grand Marquis. So not my style but Mom was looking out for me.  I finally traded it in December 30, 2013. I found a penny as I walked in the door of the dealership to pick up the car. No one could have placed that penny there as a "set up".  I really believe it was Mom giving me her blessing, that it was time to get a new car.

The only other thing is one night several years ago I woke up in the middle of the night and this is going to sound nuts too. I know what woke me up is that my mom hugged me.  I could still feel the pressure of her arms. I know she hugged me.   Ok so now you all know I'm crazy but I swear it happened. H wasn't in bed, he was downstairs, I was all alone in bed and sound asleep.

I don't think you're nutty, at all. The night that DH's grandfather died, a whole bunch of family members (including us) were inexplicably wakened at the time he passed (middle of the night.)

My dad died in December, and I'm still waiting for a sign. I wish he would come to me in a dream so we could talk. I've had a bunch of dreams where I realize he was there but left, or in the dream I didn't remember he was gone. A couple of dreams where he's there and I do remember he's gone, the dream ends when I start talking to him.

[starlily]

It's been two years since my dad died, and yes, those weeks are difficult. In addition to losing him at that time, my mom's dementia took a dramatic turn for the worse and my relationship with my bro/SIL got majorly strained, so there's a trifecta of things that make me sad that time of year.

Father's Day bothers me a lot, as does Christmas. He was so damn excited about celebrating DD's first Christmas but he died 5 weeks prior to it.

[runforrest]

I'm sorry for your loss.

My dad died five years ago after open heart surgery, and I still have a really hard time leading up to Christmas, his birthday, and the anniversary of his surgery and the days leading up to his passing three days later.

It's like as the anniversary approaches, I relive every moment of those four terrible days like it was yesterday. I find comfort when I visit him at the cemetery, or when I play a favorite song of his, but it still is a very difficult time.

I'm not sure it will ever get easier.

Hugs.

[ginandjucie24]

Hugs to you Karma and to hugs to all.

My Dad passed way, it will be six years next Friday. The date is always on my mind once the calendar turns to March. The day isn't as painful for me anymore, it's still a sad day for my sisters and my Dad's family and for me.

I have my cry in the morning usually in the shower it hurts that my Dad never got to see me be a mom or to know my son, but I know that my Dad lives on through me and my son.

My Dad always said don't be sad, don't make it a sad day. Make the day about family and love because those are some of the most important things in life.

[Marle]

My mom passed away close to 3 years ago. I always have a hard time around her birthday and the anniversary of her death. This year her birthday was not as bad but I know the anniversary will be tough. It doesn't help that she passed a day before my birthday and the viewing was all day on my birthday, though that day I was very peaceful she was not in pain anymore.

I usually just try to relax as much as I can. I try to take those days off and do things for myself. Get a massage, manicure. Stay calm. Alone for a few hours.

It's something that gets better I imagine. As many feelings I used to have more often before are not as frequent or as intense. However I know I'll never be the same. I have not been able to go back to Colombia since. I am planning to celebrate my 40th there next year. And already thinking about actually having a party but with her anniversary right there it's going to be tough. Especially with a catholic family.

I don't think it's abnormal to feel really bad sometimes even after many years. I know that low points for me are those when I'd like to know something only she would know how to answer like "did I ever do this and that like Logan does now?" Stuff like that that only your mom would know. Some times on random days my mind kind of realizes again that she's gone. Like I am dealing with everyday stuff and bam! The thought just pops out .... She's not alive.

I don't believe in signs or anything supernatural around these things. I have taken solace in what she left behind which to me is the real immortality: all the things she taught me, all the things people remember about her, how they remember her and then from that seeing all the ways I am like her. At this point is like even when I identify the bad things (like being a worrier) that undoubtedly I inherited from her, I have to smile.